Saturday, December 5, 2009


So my rise in high fertility on my monitor must have been a rise in estrogen that signified that my period would be coming. Praise the Lord I now have had a 30 day cycle, but I did not yet ovulate. I wonder if this month will be the month I will ovulate. I called the doctor on day 30 as instructed and since I hadn't started my period at that point, she wanted me to continue taking the progesterone until Monday. If I were pregnant, it wouldn't be a good idea to abruptly stop taking it for fear of miscarriage, but otherwise, it would still help with my lack of progesterone.

Here I am again...Cycle 4, Day 3, Month 7. At least I know I won't have 80+ day cycles, but I don't know what is in store. And, this progesterone makes me so tired at night and dizzy/drowsy in the mornings.

Father, you are amazing yet again. Thank you for your love and perseverance with me. Thanks for your patience even when I am not. I pray for those who are struggling with their own fertility journey. I pray that you reveal to them what you have in store for them. If they are not going to be able to conceive, help them to accept it and to see what else you have in store for them. If they do conceive, give them the strength to sustain the pregnancy. If there are choices to be made, help them to make them in accordance with your will and with a grateful heart! In Jesus' name, AMEN!

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Month 6, day 25, cycle 3

Ok, I got my very first high fertility reading on my fertility monitor this morning. Remember, I can get a low (always that way), high (which means ovulation is pending) and then peak! I have been taking progesterone 2 times a day since day 17 and will until day 30 or until after the first trimester if I can get pregnant... Maybe I am about to ovulate tomorrow or the next day...keep your fingers crossed...

I will be trying for the next few days and then on day 30 I will call the doc and take a beta Hcg test to see if it worked. At least I am about to ovulate...I was beginning to think I was broken...

Father, thank you for your grace and your perfect timing. I pray for those who are also on this journey that they can find hope in you. In Jesus' name, Amen!

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Month 6; Cycle 3 Day 4

Quick post: I received my period from the Provera challenge...

Results from Doctor -- not PCOS, just unexplained lack of progesterone production. It appears all my other hormones are working, so ... We had the option of starting Clomid or just supplementing my end of the cycles with Prometrium (progesterone pills). Husband is concerned with having a twin pregnancy and putting me at more risk and doctor is concerned with overstimulating my ovaries, so we are going to try the pills at the end of each cycle. So cycle days 17-30 I will take one pill in the morning and one at night. If I don't have a period by day 30, then we will test for pregnancy and if not stop taking pills and start another cycle. We will try this for 3 months and if nothing, then we will do the Clomid.

I am going to call the Fertility Monitor hotline and see if I should tweak my testing or not test at all these months.

Father, thanks for free will to choose how to handle this. I thank you for your provision even if my choices are not what you will. Thanks again for supportive people in my life. In Jesus' name, Amen!

Monday, October 26, 2009

Update about Doctor appointment

I visited my doctor to discuss the obvious lack of ovulation I have. She ordered lots of blood work. I will have all hormone levels tested, fasting blood sugar and fasting cholesterol and others taken tomorrow morning. She doesn't think it is PCOS because I don't fit the appearance profile. But, I may have a mild case. She said there are 3 main reasons for not having a period: Stress, PCOS, or early menopause. Depending on the pattern between the hormones, she will be able to indicate which is most likely. She is also testing for other rare reasons, like thyroid function, cancers, etc. She will call me tomorrow with results of pregnancy test and if not pregnant, I will do another Provera round (5 days of progesterone) in order to induce a withdrawal bleed. Then I will have a follow up appointment next Monday to discuss the results of the tests and see the options I have from there. If there is nothing seriously wrong then I have choices on the best way to become pregnant...

Do I let nature take its course? Or do I try fertility drugs, like Clomid? Vote here!

Father, Thank you for modern medicine and the ability to make informed decisions. I thank you for you being in control of all things and praise you for who you are! Be with my sisters who are also on this infertility journey that they find hope in You. In Jesus' name, Amen!

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Day 61, 2nd cycle?

So, here's the update...

Still no period. Still no sign of ovulation in charting my temps or period. Took a pregnancy test today, just in case. Of course it was negative.

I have a doctor appointment on Monday. It is a discussion appointment. I will be asking why I am not having a period and hope that tests will be ordered for a real understanding of what is going on. Then I will ask about various options I have regarding my next steps. I am not sure what else to say. Any ideas? Any suggestions for questions? Reply please!

Father, be the One who calms my fears and help me to receive the information you will provide through my doctor. Help her to focus on me and my situation and not be a stoic clinician. Thank you for your love and grace through these months. I pray that the answer to why I am not ovulating is that it is just not your perfect timing, and NOT a serious disease. I want your will, Lord, and pray for your revelation at your timing. In Jesus' name, Amen... Also, be with my friends who are still grieving their own losses and help them to find peace through you.

Sunday, October 11, 2009


Those of you who know me, know that I have experienced lots of loss in my twenties. My mom died when I was 20, my mother-in-law at 23, and my son, Ethan, at 26. These are only the major family deaths I have endured, not to mention the other losses of relationships, dreams, homes, jobs, etc. Anyway, now at 29 I am experiencing a new kind of loss -- infertility.

I cannot really call it infertility, I suppose, as I haven't actually been diagnosed. Nor have I been actively trying to conceive for a year or more. But, I am not ovulating and that trumps the trying. I cannot really confront this loss as a total loss, but as a temporary set back. I feel a bit out of touch. I feel unsure about all my dreams of raising a christian family. It just simply stinks that my sole intention for marriage was to have children, abundantly. And, here I am 7 years post wedding, and no physical children to show for it.
Yes, I know as many will say, I am still young. I have plenty of opportunity to create a family. "Why not consider adoption?" you will ask. "What about other options? In Vitro? Embryo transfer? Surrogacy? Fostering?"

Do you really think I have not thought about these options? Do you think that maybe if you suggest it somehow I might say, "yes, that is the answer. I have been waiting for someone to tell me that all along."

Truly, this road is so much more complex than finding the answer of how am I going to get a baby. Consider these scenarios related to their own various concerns:
Suppose I were able to get pregnant on my own --> miscarriage, stillbirth, complications, fetal or maternal death, etc.
Suppose I were to have infertility treatments (clomid, hormones, in vitro, embryo transfer) to get pregnant --> costs of treatments not covered by insurance, dilemma if I am "playing God", and all the pregnancy variables stated above.
Suppose I were to adopt --> cost not covered by insurance, risk of mother changing her mind, potential inability to bond with child, hubby would only like to adopt if all other options are completely unrealistic.
Suppose I were to foster --> cost of evaluations, risks of multiple losses and inability to protect child from future harm,
Suppose I were to have someone else carry and deliver my embryo --> cost not covered by insurance, is this moral?, will the surrogate want to give child back?

No mention in this list about my current dilemma which is the economy has threatened my job. I have a 50% chance to believe I will not be employed after July next year and will no longer have health insurance. My hubby's unemployment benefits will be exhausted then as well. I try to keep this as the last reason for not trying to get pregnant, but it weighs heavily on my mind.

So, I wait. I plan on calling a doctor on Monday about my not having a period on my own for a check up to see if it may be a serious condition. But, I am not sure about discussing further options. We will see.

In the meantime, last night I grieved. I grieved my mom and MIL's untimely deaths, and lamented over my son who had no chance to even breathe on his own. I grieved the loss of my dreams -- to raise a christian family. I wanted my children to spend their lives living a traditional way -- with grandmothers who doted on them and showed them love beyond anything anyone else can give them. I grieved having the chance to take my would be 3 year old son to halloween activities and other community festivals. I grieved my son being able look forward to his mother bringing him a baby from her belly to meet him in 9 months. I grieved fertility which equals youth in my brain. I feel so old. So out of touch. I grieve... I have done much grieving over my son's death in the three and a half years but only with the expectation that I would be able to have more children. I now wonder if that will ever happen.

Father, thank you again for allowing me to share my story. I know that in all things, you work together for the good of those who love you. I am no less committed to you when I grieve and I thank you that you allow me this human ability to love despite that it sometimes results in loss. You are holy and worthy and I love you more deeply when I know that you are in control. I pray for my sisters who are hurting that they are blessed in similar ways and that they see you in all their circumstances. I pray for your timing, your will, and your direction as I try to make sense of it all. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Day 46, Cycle 2

I know it has been a really long time since I last posted. But, no significant changes happening here. On Cycle Day 46 of Cycle 2 after taking my last active birth control pill on June 20, 2009. The last "period" I had was drug induced due to what I consider to be an anovulatory (without ovulation) cycle. It was 63 days long. So, all in all, I have been waiting for ovulation for 112 days or almost 4 months. Kinda hard to be trying to get pregnant when chances are slim to none that it will happen even if I am "trying". It is truly irritating. During this 2nd cycle I decided to chart my temps, cervical fluids, and use a fertility monitor. It asked me to test for 20 days straight from day 9 and never detected any rise in hormones. I continue to monitor my temps and they are pretty well the same right around 97.6 every day! No real hormonal mood swings. Nothing. I decided to take a pregnancy test anyway, just for fun, this morning, even though I knew what it would say: Negative. Irritating.

So, I consider calling the doctor. I don't know if I should switch doctors or not. Maybe I should see a reproductive endocrinologist, someone who treats infertility? Or should I go see my pre chosen high risk obstetrician? Or should I just continue to monitor and wait it out? Too many questions. I don't really want to take the medroxyprogesterone pills to induce a period again because it didn't seem to work last time. I continue to pray.

Father, you are holy and without blame. Thank you for the gift of knowledge you have given to us. Thank you that you are truly a God who loves when your children are irritated with unanswered prayers. I ask you Lord that you lead me in the decisions that will best show your glory to the world. I know your ways are better than mine and I just continue to pray for your will, not mine. Bless those who are reading this for whatever reason they choose. Let them see you in the midst of this. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

quick update

Monitor stopped asking me to test. Apparently it only works for people who ovulate before day 28. That's ok. I probably won't ovulate this month. Today is day 31. I have a stomach virus, I am sure. Some have asked if I am pregnant. I am not going to test at this time. No vomiting, just diarrhea and stomach cramps. Since my monitor and temps are not showing anything, I am just assuming I am not pregnant. I guess there is a slight possibility, but probably not.

Anyone have any idea on what my next course of action should be? I have had no ovulation in 4 months of being off the pill. Should I just wait it out, or try another infertility drug?

Father, thank you for your providence. I know that you know exactly why this is all happening and I wait with expectation to know myself. I pray for the details to work out exactly as you plan!! In Jesus' name, AMEN

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Perhaps I will have another LONG cycle... Today is CD 26 and I have no sign of ovulation pending. Monitor still displays low, I haven't notice cervical fluid and my temps are about the same as they have been. It is hard to get excited about a pregnancy when nothing is happening.

Just wanted to update you. Hoping all of you are successful in your journeys and would love to hear how it is going for you too!

Father, we praise you and thank you for the beauty in all things. Mysterious things especially. Amen!

Saturday, September 12, 2009

still testing

CD 19, test day 11. Yep, I had to buy some more testing sticks because I haven't shown any rise in estrogen or luteinizing hormone (LH) on the fertility monitor, yet.

There can be a low, high, or peak fertility reading on the monitor. High indicates that estrogen is rising, peak indicates LH is rising. High usually lasts 1-5 days before the peak day comes which is the day before or of ovulation. There can sometimes be 2 peak days in a cycle, according to the manual. Anyway, I have had 11 consecutive days of low fertility readings. I wonder if I will ovulate at all and if I will have to have another treatment with progesterone to bring about a period again. It's frustrating. Oh well, nine more days of testing. I wonder if I will have another 10 days if I don't have any changes in this 10 day period???


Father, thanks for all you are. You are worth it. In Jesus' name, Amen

Monday, September 7, 2009

Six days of testing on the fertility monitor. Day 14, I have a low reading out of low, high and peak. If I were a 28 day period person, today should be my peak day (the day of ovulation). We will see what happens. I have 4 more test days scheduled, and if nothing happens, I think the machine will tell me to buy 1o more sticks and continue to test after that.

My temps are odd. I don't understand this charting thing and all the variables. I was down to 96.8 on one day and jumped to 97.6 the next. I think 97.6 is base line, so I don't know. Hubby and I started the every other day plan for now. Let's see how that goes!

Father, thank you again for your love and comfort. Be with those women who are struggling with infertility and can not make sense of why some women get pregnant easily and others never do. I pray for peace and direction to all of us mothers who are out there. I pray for the ladies who are currently pregnant after loss and are worried about the outcomes of this pregnancy. I ask that you hold them tight in your loving arms and give them a peace about them that is beyond all understanding. You are in control and you love us in spite of ourselves. Thank you again for your faithfulness! Amen

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Day 9, second cycle...

First test day according to my monitor. It was a low reading for fertility. Must be my hormones are low this week. I will explain more later. Just wanted to leave a quick note.

Father, thank you for your will to be done. I am appreciative of all you have given and taken away! Praise your name for being faithful and holy. I pray for your perfect timing in all situations and that you are lifted up. In Jesus' name, Amen

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Fertility Monitor

Today is Cycle Day 6 of my second cycle since trying to conceive beginning in June. I was able to start this cycle with an electronic fertility monitor!! Thank you to my cousin who loaned it to me, as it can cost anywhere from $170-$250 dollars.

This will help me determine when my hormones are at its peak and pinpoint ovulation if I am having it or not. I have also been charting my temps and baseline is looking like 97.6. So, I imagine that since I have had longer cycles (63 days last month and 34 days the other two months that I have been off the pill since adulthood), that this charting and peeing on sticks thing may take a while before I get a positive indication that I am fertile. Hopefully, the progesterone helped to get the other hormones working and I will be with child before too long. Still praying for God's perfect timing.

I wonder what you other ladies who are TTCing are at and if you are hitting the jackpot this month. Leave a reply and let me know.

Father, thank you dearly for the ability to communicate with people via blog, email, etc. and also for technology like the fertility monitor. You allowed it to be created in this period and I am grateful for being born into this time period. You are amazing and I praise you that you are the ultimate creator! Bring peace, love and hope to my sisters in similar situations and prepare their hearts for greater things to come!! Amen

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

It worked!

CD1 of second cycle!

Today I woke to what used to be an unpleasant surprise, but after 63 days without it, I am pleased to announce that I have started my uh-ahem! You know...

So, now to chart temperatures! Today I started at 97.7 even though I didn't know it was day one until after I got out of bed. So, I jumped back into bed and warmed up to try to get an accurate read. Any veterans out there who have suggestions? This is my first temperature charting experience, and I have no idea how long this cycle may last, so I am hoping for some expert advise.

Praise the Lord that modern medicine is available!! Amen

Sunday, August 23, 2009

CD 62... Took the last progesterone pill yesterday morning. According to doctor, I should have my cycle return in 3-10 days! Online it says it is 90% effective. I hope so. That way I can begin charting my temps and practice trying again! I will buy some ovulation predictor tests and see if God will allow me to become pregnant this month...

Who knows? Well, God does. So, I am putting my trust in Him and the technology and medicine He has allowed in this generation that He has strategically placed me in!

Praise be to Him and Him alone. Speaking of this, a great verse I studied yesterday in my women's group: Ephesians 3:20-21 "Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we can ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."

Tuesday, August 18, 2009


Cycle Day 57...

No period. Took a home test -- negative. Went to dr. yesterday to take a blood serum test -- negative. Will be starting a 5 day regimen of Provera, a progesterone pill, and then hopefully will initiate a cycle to begin within 7-10 days. Not sure if this will get the cycles rolling or not, but I think that is what the plan is. Nurse said to track temps and perhaps get an ovulation predictor kit. But, supposed to wait a year of trying before coming to see the doctor about it.

The wait continues.

Lord, please be the strength I need to continue this and the effects it has on my relationship with my husband. I thank you for allow me to live in an age where medicine has a lot of answers to some things, but still not enough to show that you are in control of ALL things! You are worthy and I praise you. Bless my sisters in the blog community who are trying again and keep them wrapped in the knowledge that you have a plan and a purpose for them and their youngsters' lives. I pray for my pregnant sisters, that you hold and protect their little ones with a great plan for them as well. In Jesus' name, Amen

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Are you gonna try again?

The dreaded question for all of us moms who have lost. It's not that we don't want to have a healthy baby in our arms, it's just we want THE baby in our arms. That baby was loved, wanted, needed and we TRIED hard to keep him here. So at every stage of grieving and healing, we receive this question differently...

My (true) answers to the question at various points...but I never had the courage to say:

First few months after loss... "No, I am not trying again, I have TRIED and succeeded, but my body failed me in protecting him. I am not replacing him with another child! He is the only one I want right now and besides, I almost died...hello? are you serious??? Do you see the other babies and pregnant women? I do. Every single one of them and it pains me to see them. I wish I were still pregnant, and then I would have my baby boy still. I don't want another one. I want my Ethan."

6 months after loss... "Sure, I would like to try again, but this void I am feeling is so tremendous, and just when you think I should have moved on, I feel like the pain has just begun. No, I am not trying again, because I just cannot bear the thought of my possibly dying and the thought of going through that again. Would you seriously want me to be like this again in another year? No thank you. I would love to have kids, but I can't even imagine caring for one in this deep black hole of darkness I live in. Besides, the babies I see are so full of life and I cringe to hear them. It HURTS so bad!"

one year post loss... "They say the first year is the hardest. I tend to agree, but the longer it passes, the most disconnected I become. I feel numb and by the way, my doctor told me to wait two years before trying again. I'm just not going to think about it for a while. Right now, I will just look at my nephews and pretend they are like my own. Sometimes it really hurts me to see them because someone else is able to achieve pregnancy and healthy children without trying. I may never try again. I know that is not what you want to hear, but the fact is that was one LONG year. Imagine being without your child for one year and see if you want to try again. Not so easy is it?"

one and one half years post loss... "Oh MY...this second year is taking forever, I am so ready to move on and get going on having another child, but the doctors orders says to wait. I am not willing to go against anything my doctor tells me because I am so fearful that the same thing will happen again to another child. I miss him terribly, but the pain is starting to diminish. I realize he will not return to me and another child will not replace him, but no, I guess I am not yet ready anyway. But, waiting sucks!"

two years post loss... "yes, we want to try again, but we have to make sure all our ducks are in a row. I will check out several doctors and ask their opinions and research hospital policies and let's try to give it a go. I desperately want to be a mom of an earthy child, I am still so very scared. Not ready to die at 28 years old. Ummm....maybe not yet. I guess we will just check in with each other each month and see when it is time. Not yet. Too scary. BTW, do you remember my son's name, the one who died? You haven't mentioned him in a LONG time...His name is Ethan and yes, I love to talk about him! It doesn't hurt as much except when he is forgotten."

two and one half years post loss... "I am ready but hubby is not. It's scary you know, for him to lose both his son and then to think it is possible to lose another baby plus his wife. I have dealt with the grief up front and personal and though I know I cannot grieve certain aspects until I face the time frame, I feel like I am healing finally. Hubby however is unable to grieve the loss of his wife. I am different. I am forever changed by the scars. I cannot be carefree anymore. That's ok with me but he is struggling. I understand, but just wish he were on the same page as me. I will wait for him because this journey to parenthood is a joint venture and I want what is best for my children. We will wait. I will reluctantly."

three years post loss... "OMG, my baby boy is three! This is my most favorite age. Oh, he would be talking and getting into everything and asking why? all the time. I grieve that. I would have been talking to my hubby about trying again for another child even if Ethan were alive today. Children are such a blessing from God and I can't wait to raise my own. Why is my hubby not ready even yet? He is not, and to tell you the truth, I am getting real angry that I have to wait for him to plan my future with my family. Hubby just lost his job and that is now his new excuse for not wanting to try again. You see, this question is so loaded. No, we are not gonna try again and I don't know if we ever will. Let's see if this marriage lasts anyway."

Three and one half years post loss... "Hubby is coming around. Wise counsel suggests that we are hypercritical of the timing and perhaps letting go and letting God is the best decision. I agree and finally the hubby agrees at the same time! Though, collateral damage has occured in our marriage and we will have to work hard to get things together. The excitement outweighs the fear and that is usually the recipe for trying again."

Three and one half years plus two months post loss... "Yes, we are trying again. Have been off birth control for two months, but a new adventure awaits us. I am not yet ovulating. Can't get pregnant without those eggs. I didn't anticipate at any time that I would face infertility. Boy, do I miss my son, Ethan. Perhaps he wants to be an only child? IDK, but we are ready together to do this and yet again my body is failing me. I am trying to stay positive and not jump to conclusions, but here we are again Lord. Yes, we are gonna keep trying, but it may take several different types of trying to get a healthy baby to us, but please don't judge us in the process. No longer fearful of another pregnancy. I never thought that would EVER happen -- that I wouldn't be scared. Must mean we are healed...or at least forgetting how awful it once was. Regardless the excitement has driven out the fear = time to continue trying! Say a prayer for us and thank you for all your previous prayers."

Anyone else out there who have been here and have their (true) responses to this dreaded question? Please comment and share and become a follower of this blog.

BTW...still no period since getting off birth control, but tests continue to be negative for pregnancy.

Lord, thank you for this opportunity and bless those well meaning friends and family who ask us hurting moms when we are gonna try again. In Jesus' name, Amen

Saturday, August 8, 2009

not bitter


I know this journey is not what I had anticipated. I know that in the past, I let the things I have not anticipated control me. I know that you are a God with a plan greater than mine. I just thank you that you are in control of everything. I praise you that you know all. And I thank you that despite my not being in control, I feel completely safe and secure in your plan. I don't feel an ounce of bitterness, no reason to be angry or dismayed. I feel completely loved by you that my period is not perfectly predictable. I feel in awe that I am not controlling the outcomes of creating a child this month. I feel free that you know it all and are working for the good of those of us who love you.

I can't say that I wanted to not be in control. I can't say that this was my plan. But, I am so happy to know that You are everything that I need and life is much less stressful when I let go. I pray for your perfect will, Lord. I pray for children as abundant as you allow for my husband and myself. I pray that they come to us as your will allows, whether through pregnancy, surrogacy, adoption or fostering. And, I pray that my husband is as wonderfully excited to receive them in whatever form they come (as that, I am sure, will be confirmation of your will). I pray for a blessed, long, faithful marriage in which to raise healthy, well adjusted children. Lord, provide me with a healthy zeal for living and allow my husband and me to continue to see you provide for us. We love you and revere you so.

I pray for my sisters who are pregnant after previous loss and ask that you continue to provide healing for them as they are facing their fears. I pray that you will bless them with a healthy child who will give them hope for the future. I pray for those who are trying to conceive after loss that they feel you among them and know that your timing is better than theirs. Wrap your arms around them and provide them with a mountaintop experience that will forever change their lives. Introduce them to the saving grace of Jesus!


Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Still waiting

Day 44 or 45, I can't remember. Haven't got a period yet. Took another test on Monday, negative! I called the doctor this morning. The nurse told me to wait it out another week and a half and if nothing happens by August 17 (2 months past last period), then come in and take a pregnancy test and if it is negative, they will start me on Provera. Apparently it is synthetic progesterone that I will take for 5 days and it will induce a period in a week to 10 days after that. If it doesn't, I don't know what will happen then.

Anyone feel like you can't win for tryin'? I feel a bit defeated, but we will see. All about God's timing, not mine. He is in control and I want Him to be, so I will wait.

Lord, thank you for your perfect plan to work out according to your will. I love you and thank you for my friends and fellow followers who are joining me. Please bless someone with a precious gift of a child for any of my friends who are trying to conceive after having previous losses. I pray that healing and rejuvenation will follow because of your love for them. Thank you that you are a God who is faithful, and can be a savior and light for all to see! In Jesus' name, Amen

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Day 37

Tested again this morning...still negative. I wonder if I am ovulating. In my amateur research I have learned that it can take several months for a woman to ovulate after birth control. This didn't happen before, so I didn't think it would happen this time. Go figure. I will wait until next week to see if I get my period. If not, I will need to call my doctor. Keep praying for me and my sanity. This baby making business drives me crazy!

By the way, are there any of you who want to comment on your latest "get pregnant adventure"? I and others would love to know where you are at! Good luck!

Monday, July 27, 2009

the waiting...

Day 35...

Negative pregnancy test, but still no period. I wonder if my Wal*mart brand tests work. I wonder if I ovulated this month. I wonder if I am making up symptoms in my head. I am sure I am driving my husband crazy.

"Should I test, dear?"
"No, be patient," he replies.
"But this is the longest I have ever went without a period and not been pregnant."
"I know, but you will find out soon enough."
"So, should I?"
"Should you what?"
"Test again," I grit through my teeth.
"Do whatever you want."

I will wait. It shouldn't take too much longer for her to show up. I am thinking that I will be getting a period soon since the test is negative. But, I thought that last week, didn't I?

The crazy cycle. At least for now I am not in the worry cycle. I know that it will come with a positive test. Here's hoping that Ethan is prepping his little sibling for what it's like on Earth. I don't know if that happens, but it sure does make me happy to think that it might!

I will keep you all informed. In the meantime, I love seeing who are my followers! If you haven't posted your profile and pic, do so on the right side of the blog. I am delighted to have you join me on this journey!! Read Psalm 139:13-16, and understand that even if I do not know if I am pregnant and if I am, God knows for sure, and He is in control of all things!

Father, thank you for your gift of patience as I await concrete evidence of pregnancy or not. I am thankful that you allow me the opportunity to see You when I could be easily distracted by seeing what You DO, instead. You are wonderful and I am just in awe at how complex baby making can be. No one can convince me that human life was a series of accidents and collisions of atoms. We are created in Your image and You knit each of us together in our mother's wombs (Psalm 139:13). I am blessed and privileged to serve you in this capacity and thank you for each of my followers. I ask that they are as richly blessed as I am. In Jesus' name, AMEN.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Still crazy

Most TTCers, or people who are trying to conceive, call this period the two week wait. Well, that is what this is -- two weeks of waiting for aunt flow or any other twinge that may indicate pregnancy. I got some spotting yesterday. It is strange that I was pretty sure my period was starting, and then nothing else. Don't know what that means. Today is Cycle Day 32.

When I was pregnant with Ethan, I spotted frequently in the first trimester. I remember that I called the doctor the day I found out I was pregnant and scheduled an appointment for 8 weeks (which would be 3-4 weeks after that call). Two days later I spotted and was cramping. I immediately called the office and they had me come in for a trans-vaginal ultrasound. At that appointment, they only saw a sac and wasn't sure if I was miscarrying or not. I was told it was a "threatened abortion" and had 50-50 chance of miscarriage. I remember being so frightened at every sight of blood, at every cramp and I prayed desperately for my little one. I don't want to be fearful during my next pregnancy. I want to enjoy every single moment of the little one's life. I guess that is why I want to find out as soon as I am able -- so I can celebrate little one's existence the moment LO arrives. I have come to recognize how precious early memories are when that may be the only memories we have.

So, we wait. I don't know how long I can wait to test again, but I will try to wait so that either I know for sure via aunt flo or the home pregnancy test will be more accurate. The plan for now is to test Monday. Can I wait that long?

Father, please give me the wisdom to know about what is to happen this month as You see fit. I pray that you allow whatever is in your will for me and my future little one. I ask that you are faithful as ever and You provide your loving kindness whereever we go.

Be with those who are following along. Bless them as they are such a blessing to me. I thank you Jesus for your grace and praise you for your love. This journey is a tough one, but You are strong, when I am weak... In YOUR name, AMEN

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Where is Aunt Flo?

Ok, I know this is too much information, but she has not visited in 31 days and test was negative two days ago... I don't think I have symptoms of pregnancy or PMS, so I don't know what's going on. Perhaps I am pregnant, so I didn't share a beer with hubby last night over dinner, even though I really wanted one.

I will wait until next week to test again. This can become expensive, not to mention obsessive again. Anyone who is on this journey with me can relate...

Lord, continue to provide patience and peace to my husband and me as we are waiting for answers. We know that you know the plans you have for us that is for a hope and a future according to Jeremiah, and we just wait with anticipation to see what the next chapter of our lives will bring. I thank you Jesus, for your grace and mercy and the freedom to publish this blog that it may help in the healing and growth of others who are grieving and trying again. Thank you for my friendships who are supporting me through this. You are amazing and I cannot praise you enough for your love.

Please connect anew with any who are reading this and give them strength to face whatever they are to face. Allow your love to infiltrate their minds and hearts. Amen

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Negative on Day 29

Today is CD 29. I know that I should have my period today if I were still on birth control. It was noon I would start. But, in this first month off of birth control pills, I don't know what to expect. I decided to test this morning, because hubby is convinced I am pregnant. Also, after the small amount of bleeding last Tuesday, that I figured must have been implantation, I thought for sure I would get a positive test. I researched pregnancy tests online and found that the Equate brand from Wal*Mart was inexpensive, but the most accurate of all the tests on the market. It can detect 20 mIU of hCG, where e.p.t. detects at 50 mIU. So I bought the three pack at $10 and tested last Saturday, with a negative result and then it says to test 3 days later until I get my period or get a positive result. Well, today, it was negative. I am bummed, but I don't consider that NOT pregnant, just I don't know for sure, yet.

I am reading a book about those of us who are trying for a subsequent pregnancy after a loss. It is by Ann Douglas and John R. Sussman, M.D., and titled, Trying Again: A Guide to Pregnancy After Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Infant Loss. In Chapter 7, "If there's one word that bereaved mothers frequently use to describe their desire to become pregnant again, it's 'obsession,'" it says. This is 100% what I feel. I am obsessed with getting pregnant, and finding out and going through the motions to make a healthy child appear on the other side of this calendar. I have waited 3 and one half years to DECIDE to try to get pregnant. I don't want to wait just as long to actually get pregnant. So, I am obsessed. I have never been known to have fertility issues, and yet I think like someone who has. I am charting my temps, my cervical fluid and postition, making sure I am baby dancing on the right calendar days, fluffing a pillow under my bum to let the little guys swim afterward!! It seems insane, but I don't want to wait, I just want to get it going.

This same book lists the odds of conceiving in any cycle as 10-25% depending on age. For my age, late 20's, it says I have a 15-20% chance of conceiving in any given month if I baby dance regularly, and the average length of time it will take me to get pregnant is 5-7 months! WOW! I cannot imagine the frustration it must feel to spend that long trying to conceive, let alone those who are trying for years. But, I will endure whatever the Lord allows for however long He lets it. At this point, I still feel this is the right time for us, and I will continue to try!

Lord, I pray for those women who are infertile for various reasons. I ask that you give them wisdom and strength to do what you are asking them to do and I ask that you make your love for them tangible and real. I pray that if it is not in your plan for them to have a child again, that you take the desire away from them and that you give them a peace about it that surpasses all comprehension!

I also pray, Lord, that you reveal to me what is in store for me. I ask you to bless me as your will allows and let me do your work in the meantime. I praise you, Father, for you are in control of everything and you know all the plans you have for me and my little ones! Thank you that I can come to you at any time and be who I am without fear of repercussion, because you are a God who loves me enough to let YOUR SON die for me. Give me a spirit of peace and patience as I wait for the positive test and not a spirit of obsession. In Jesus' name, AMEN

Monday, July 20, 2009

Day 28

Here is the latest in my newest journey. I have started my own personal journal, and here are the highlights:

June 23 -- day 1 period began after stopping birth control pills, have been on pills a long time, so I don't know how long my normal cycle usually lasts. Couple months before Ethan was conceived they were 34 days long.

June 27 -- told my dad that we were trying to get pregnant. He teared as he said, "Can't you adopt? I don't want to see you die." I know he and others are scared, but they don't know how much I have worried about the same things. Yes, I know I was so close to death in childbirth with Ethan, but can I really let that keep me from the joy of having a living child? I am willing to take the risk of death to have a family. Yes, dad, I can adopt, but we would really like to have a biological child. Please just pray for us and love us through this journey. When he may have only thought about it a couple of times over the last few years, I have thought, analyzed and prayed for this every day for 3.5 years. It is time to try again!

June 30-July 15 -- fertile days. Many attempts at baby dust here! Surprisingly I am not afraid. Maybe because I have waited 3.5 years to try again..HA!

July 12-18 -- nauseous. I think I have the flu. Stomach is just not right. Can't be morning sickness, can it?

July 14 -- bright red spotting this morning. I am worried. Either I am starting my 2nd cycle early, or I am having an early miscarriage, or this is implantation bleeding. Nonetheless, I went to Cedar Point as scheduled and had a blast! I am in crazy mode now...every twinge I feel, I am either positive I am pregnant, or positive I am not...HOW LONG DO I HAVE TO WAIT TO TEST??

July 18 -- Cycle Day 26: I am a crazy person. I bought 3 pregnancy tests today. It is supposed to be able to show pregnancy “5 days before missed period”, so if I have a 28-31 day cycle, I should be able to know. Well, it was negative today, but I am not convinced I am not pregnant yet. I will test again next week sometime. I told Shaun and he grabbed my belly and talked into it, “Come on, work! Dad says work!” It was cute! He never did touch my belly when I was pregnant with Ethan. He said he thought pregnancy was boring, so this time he is going to be more aware of everything going on. We will see. Plus, I am still not feeling the best.

July 20 -- Cycle Day 28: if I had normal length cycles, my period should begin tomorrow. I haven't had any symptoms of pregnancy or PMS. I just don't know. Perhaps I will test tomorrow morning. It still could be too early to tell. It is nice thinking about wanting to be pregnant, but I am not sure how I will react when it actually happens.

Lord, I pray for your blessing on this journey. I ask that your will be done. If it is in your plan for us to be pregnant, I ask that you allow it to happen on your timing. And if it isn't, I ask that you take this desire to be a mom completely away. I pray for your peace, and your strength, and your love to carry me and my husband through this. I thank you that you are a God who loves us and who works all things together for the good of those who love you and are called according to your purpose, as you have showed us in Romans 8:28. I pray for those who are reading this blog that they come to know you through this journey and through their own, that they see that you are faithful and loving! I pray for your guidance upon any and all mothers who are hurting from the loss of their child and I pray that they know you are a God who knows what it is like to hold his child he knows will die and that you are a father who experienced the loss of a child as well. I thank you for who you are in Jesus' name, AMEN!

Tiny Purpose

Tiny Purpose, a nonprofit organization to support mothers who have lost babies due to miscarriage, stillbirth or early infant death, is the reason this blog exists. The intention is to follow me, a fellow mother who has lost a child, as I embark upon the world of trying to conceive and having a subsequent pregnancy and the feelings and fears and prayers that go along with that!

You don't have to be a mother without her baby to read or comment on this post, but please be considerate of those who are. If you are in a similar situation as me, please feel free to share your thoughts and fears as well in the comments section. I hope this blog will give you hope, encouragement and validation to your own feelings! Here's baby dust to those of us who are trying to conceive and lots of love and prayers to those of you who are pregnant and awaiting a healthy child at the end of the nine months!

The Journey begins!

So this is a blog about a journey. Appropriately titled, as it has been a LONG treacherous journey indeed. But in looking forward, the new journey is about to begin!

Four and one half years ago I was pregnant with my first son. I knew what a blessing he was the moment I found out about him. I was delighted to be his mother and that journey began. On January 14, 2006, he was ready to be born, but several complications occurred that ushered in the end of his journey. Ethan was born at 6:34 am by cesarean section and was born without breathing. He spent 5 days on a respirator and in the NICU until it was determined he was not going to make it any longer. His father and I had to decide to remove him from life support. He died at 11:25pm January 19, 2006. For Ethan's and my full story, please go to

The road thereafter has been trying, to put it lightly. I was so sick during Ethan's life. I lost massive amounts of blood and didn't recover well from surgery. It was a scary five days for both Ethan and myself. My husband was worried he would lose us both. Thankfully, I survived. Traumatized, physically and emotionally, but with God's grace and provision, I survived.

I was encouraged to wait 2 years before pursuing a 2nd pregnancy. My doctor was concerned that recurrence was likely. She forwarded me a scholarly journal which supported her advice to wait two years and so my husband and I agreed. It was tough to say goodbye to motherhood for at least two years, but we knew we had some major grief work to do.

The next two years were brutal. But, being type A as I am, I was determined to work it through til the end. We did counseling and talked about our son. We struggled through nine other pregnancies and healthy births in our siblings' families. We celebrated their lives and mourned the life we thought we would have.

After the two years had passed, my hubby and I were still afraid of the complications of pregnancy. We had seriously considered never having children. We didn't even want to entertain the thought of adoption, either. But, we instead chose to see a perinatalogist who could review the two inch stack of medical records and help us determine what our next course of action should be. In April 2008, two years after Ethan was born and died, we met with Dr. B. and he told us that our chances of the same thing happening were no more great than it was the first pregnancy. Somehow, at that moment in time, it was just not enough for us to try again. We decided to do monthly check in's with each other to see if it was time to get off the pill. Every month ended the same way...not yet.

In June 2009, I asked my husband the normal question, "do you think it is time to get off birth control?"
"Umm, maybe, I don't know." he stuttered.
"Well, I think I am ready." I told him with a smile.
"But, I am unemployed and just started school. Do you really think it is a good time?"
"But, I have great medical insurance and maternity leave at my new job and you will receive unemployment while you are in school." I tried to convince him.
"But, we aren't getting along as well as what we used to."
"But, it is getting better!"
"Well, ok, let's get pregnant!"

Whoa! I thought as I had had this very conversation for several months now, and it never ended like this! I was ecstatic. This was the first time I had thought about another pregnancy without fear or dread. This was the first time we decided to try without mourning our firstborn. This was the first time I didn't feel the tug of the Holy Spirit trying to tell me it was not the right time. I believe this is God's perfect timing for us and we are excited to share this journey with you. Please pray for us as we are starting our family again!