Monday, July 26, 2010

Month 14, Cycle 12, Day 8

I am patiently awaiting ovulation. I have an appointment scheduled for Sunday at 9am to have my ultrasound and trigger shot. I finished taking the Femara last night. We will the meantime I have the most amazing thing to share with all of you.

So many times in the last 5 years I have been asked, "how have you been able to deal with all this?" And I have been asked, "If I had to go through everything you have been through, I would be so angry with God. But, why aren't you?" Or "How do you keep on trusting?" Or "I don't think I would be able to handle losing a child." "I wonder if you have any tips for me since I am dealing with ______ or ________ and I know that you have been through it?" Or people will call me and tell me about their friend who's child just passed away and they want me to tell them what I did to accept my loss. FRIENDS, HERE IT IS!!

I have finally found someone who was able to share the secret so well. I have tried hard to explain that Jesus is my only refuge. But, I haven't heard a message so well put, so exactly what I have wanted to share to everyone I ever encounter. For the last 3 weeks at my church we have been doing a series about HOPE and my pastor's personal counselor, Tim Butler delivered the series. He was absolutely amazing in sharing this life changing perspective. The 2nd message was right on, exactly what Shaun and I want to share with the world. FOLKS, my hubby is private about his faith, even with me, but when he heard this message, even he said, "That was intense. That's our motto that we have been living by for years!" So, I am sharing with you my secret to pushing through on the days I don't want to push through anymore. Please make a commitment to at listening to these. They are approximately 30 minutes each, but 100% worth the time investment. If you only have time to listen to just one, Part 2 about Perseverance was the one that specifically touched us the most. That is our motto...we persevere!!!

HOPE Part 1
HOPE Part 2 -- Perseverance
HOPE Part 3 -- Peace

Please reply if you get a chance to listen and let me know what you think. I am anxiously awaiting your responses. I absolutely cannot wait.

Father, I pray that the people who make a leap of faith to listen to you as you are speaking though Tim Butler, that they hear what it is that you want them to hear. Thank you for providing me with a way to share with other people how you are working through me. I love you and cannot wait to share you with my children and teach them to love you and the people you have created in infinitely wonderful ways. I pray that you allow me the opportunity to impact my own children as well as the people around me. Thank you again for your gift of life. In Jesus' name, AMEN!

Monday, July 19, 2010

Month 14, Cycle 12, Day 1

Aunt Flo arrived exactly on time, 28 days after she had arrived before. She didn't miss a beat. I knew she was coming from the reminders she was leaving me for the past three days: the headaches, the cramping, the irritability, the spots on my tissue. The first time I met her was when I was 11 years old. What a blessing she was back then. My family threw a party for us because we had met. She introduced me to womanhood. I was so excited to know her because, as my mom told me, she is the reason I will be able to have children someday! That was reassuring; that even though I knew she will nag and cause me grief a few days out of every month, when I am ready she will cease for nine months and I will birth another human being to this world. How wonderful her job is, I thought! I remember thinking that she was the best thing that might ever happen to me. Oh, I knew that children were something that I had always wanted, and I wanted to do it right. She would allow me to get married first, enjoy my husband, and start a career. I knew that because she was faithful every month, that I would be able to count on her when it was time to give my love to another generation. After all, she introduced me to womanhood, shouldn't she follow through with her promise to motherhood? As I sit here in her company tonight, I am disappointed in her. Thank you Aunt Flo for being a welcomed friend in times in my life when the world just wasn't right. And thank you again for reminding me that the world still isn't what it should be.

Just sharing today that I am sad to welcome her presence today. The last month has been too emotional for me. I am grieving my babies and the loss of my vitality. Life suddenly seems very short. I am not completely defeated, though, because MY REDEEMER LIVES! Listen to this song as it mirrors my heart in this very moment. Please stay tuned in the next few days. I have a wonderful message to share with you.

Thank you Father for your faithfulness despite mother nature's let down. She was never meant to take your place. You are the one and only GOD! I pray Jesus that you show yourself merciful and gracious. I pray that you allow me the opportunity to love others through my sadness and to show them that you are the only way. YOU ALONE ARE WORTHY! I will not bow down to another. I seek you with my whole heart!!! In Jesus' Name, AMEN!

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Month 14, Cycle 11, Day 18, 2 DPO

I think I ovulated on day 16, so I am unofficially in the two week waiting period. I have to wait until one more day of high temps to confirm ovulation, but I am positive it was on Tuesday -- 2 days past my trigger shot. I think I will test on Monday July 19, for those of you who are curious and anxious. My goal is to wait that long. Thanks for the support!!

Father, I praise you because you are wonderful and I am just so thankful to know you. Keep me busy with good things during these next 2 weeks and help me to stay focused on you. In Jesus' name, AMEN.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Month 14, Cycle 11, Day 15

After a spectacular 4th of July, I awoke this morning to a PEAK reading on my monitor. My OPK still says negative, but I am sure it will change by midday.

While at the fertility clinic I ran into my Tiny Purpose friend, who was anxiously awaiting her ultrasound and who would be receiving her Intrauterine insemination TODAY!! God bless her and her husband with another child.

Yesterday morning, I went to the clinic and saw a different resident doctor. This one told me that my follicle on my right ovary was 23.5 mm, and my endometrial lining was 7.5 mm thick. Both perfect for the hCG trigger shot. I got my shot and was informed to have intercourse last night, tonight and tomorrow night. I asked the doctor about chemical pregnancies and the likelihood of recurrence. He said it was hard to tell and then asked me about my previous pregnancies. I gave him a very short version of my losses and with deep compassion and empathy, this doctor emphatically exclaimed his sorrow for my trauma. While doing so, he talked to me about my previous tests and said as far as he knew, the chemical pregnancy and abruption were unrelated, but if another chemical were to happen, then I should have the doctor reexamine my case and look for possibilities of a condition that may be the culprit. It is very unlikely that I would have developed a condition since Ethan's birth, but perhaps more research has been done in the last 5 years and a different correlation may be found, he said.

In the meantime, I am probably OVULATING today!! No need to bore you with the details, but Shaun and I are doing what we need to and hopefully in 14 days I will have another announcement of Pregnancy #3!!

Father, I am praying for your will above all else, but also expressing to you my will...I pray that you allow us to become pregnant with a healthy child that results in a live, healthy, full term birth and that is complication free. I pray that you provide me with all the necessary resources to be the best mother to this child an to give her a loving, supportive home with siblings, to boot! I ask you father to be present at all times in the children's lives and help me to teach them all about you.

Be with all of the women who are conceiving or trying to this month. Help them to look to you and see your wonders...Bless all of us. In Jesus' name, AMEN.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Month 14, Cycle 11, Day 12

So far, I have taken Femara on days 3-7. I have not received a sign of ovulation pending. My monitor says low still (of low, then high, then peak, remember?). And I have taken tests on my ovulation predictor kits that say negative for LH surge. Also, my temps are fairly consistent. In regard to last month, I didn't get a high reading until day 14 and then I got a peak the next day after my hCG shot. I am hopeful that I will get a positive ovulation time on Sunday or Monday.

I have my day 14 ultrasound on Sunday, July 4 at 9am. If at that time my follicle is ready, they will give me my hCG shot and I will ovulate within 36-48 hours. I am so excited to get another positive pregnancy test and I am believing in faith that I will.

Funny thing is, one of my Tiny Purpose friends is having her ultrasound at the same doctor at the same time on Sunday as well!!! I didn't even know she was seeing the specialist! Wouldn't it be great that we both are pregnant at the same time? WAHOO!!!

Father, I am believing in faith that you will redeem my two losses this month with a positive pregnancy test, that results in a healthy full term baby!!! I am praying for my sisters and friends who are in the same situations and asking that you no longer prolong their waits and give them the desires of their hearts. You are the author of life and giver of gifts. Bless us all! In Jesus' name, AMEN!