Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Day 37

Tested again this morning...still negative. I wonder if I am ovulating. In my amateur research I have learned that it can take several months for a woman to ovulate after birth control. This didn't happen before, so I didn't think it would happen this time. Go figure. I will wait until next week to see if I get my period. If not, I will need to call my doctor. Keep praying for me and my sanity. This baby making business drives me crazy!

By the way, are there any of you who want to comment on your latest "get pregnant adventure"? I and others would love to know where you are at! Good luck!

Monday, July 27, 2009

the waiting...

Day 35...

Negative pregnancy test, but still no period. I wonder if my Wal*mart brand tests work. I wonder if I ovulated this month. I wonder if I am making up symptoms in my head. I am sure I am driving my husband crazy.

"Should I test, dear?"
"No, be patient," he replies.
"But this is the longest I have ever went without a period and not been pregnant."
"I know, but you will find out soon enough."
"So, should I?"
"Should you what?"
"Test again," I grit through my teeth.
"Do whatever you want."

I will wait. It shouldn't take too much longer for her to show up. I am thinking that I will be getting a period soon since the test is negative. But, I thought that last week, didn't I?

The crazy cycle. At least for now I am not in the worry cycle. I know that it will come with a positive test. Here's hoping that Ethan is prepping his little sibling for what it's like on Earth. I don't know if that happens, but it sure does make me happy to think that it might!

I will keep you all informed. In the meantime, I love seeing who are my followers! If you haven't posted your profile and pic, do so on the right side of the blog. I am delighted to have you join me on this journey!! Read Psalm 139:13-16, and understand that even if I do not know if I am pregnant and if I am, God knows for sure, and He is in control of all things!

Father, thank you for your gift of patience as I await concrete evidence of pregnancy or not. I am thankful that you allow me the opportunity to see You when I could be easily distracted by seeing what You DO, instead. You are wonderful and I am just in awe at how complex baby making can be. No one can convince me that human life was a series of accidents and collisions of atoms. We are created in Your image and You knit each of us together in our mother's wombs (Psalm 139:13). I am blessed and privileged to serve you in this capacity and thank you for each of my followers. I ask that they are as richly blessed as I am. In Jesus' name, AMEN.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Still crazy

Most TTCers, or people who are trying to conceive, call this period the two week wait. Well, that is what this is -- two weeks of waiting for aunt flow or any other twinge that may indicate pregnancy. I got some spotting yesterday. It is strange that I was pretty sure my period was starting, and then nothing else. Don't know what that means. Today is Cycle Day 32.

When I was pregnant with Ethan, I spotted frequently in the first trimester. I remember that I called the doctor the day I found out I was pregnant and scheduled an appointment for 8 weeks (which would be 3-4 weeks after that call). Two days later I spotted and was cramping. I immediately called the office and they had me come in for a trans-vaginal ultrasound. At that appointment, they only saw a sac and wasn't sure if I was miscarrying or not. I was told it was a "threatened abortion" and had 50-50 chance of miscarriage. I remember being so frightened at every sight of blood, at every cramp and I prayed desperately for my little one. I don't want to be fearful during my next pregnancy. I want to enjoy every single moment of the little one's life. I guess that is why I want to find out as soon as I am able -- so I can celebrate little one's existence the moment LO arrives. I have come to recognize how precious early memories are when that may be the only memories we have.

So, we wait. I don't know how long I can wait to test again, but I will try to wait so that either I know for sure via aunt flo or the home pregnancy test will be more accurate. The plan for now is to test Monday. Can I wait that long?

Father, please give me the wisdom to know about what is to happen this month as You see fit. I pray that you allow whatever is in your will for me and my future little one. I ask that you are faithful as ever and You provide your loving kindness whereever we go.

Be with those who are following along. Bless them as they are such a blessing to me. I thank you Jesus for your grace and praise you for your love. This journey is a tough one, but You are strong, when I am weak... In YOUR name, AMEN

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Where is Aunt Flo?

Ok, I know this is too much information, but she has not visited in 31 days and test was negative two days ago... I don't think I have symptoms of pregnancy or PMS, so I don't know what's going on. Perhaps I am pregnant, so I didn't share a beer with hubby last night over dinner, even though I really wanted one.

I will wait until next week to test again. This can become expensive, not to mention obsessive again. Anyone who is on this journey with me can relate...

Lord, continue to provide patience and peace to my husband and me as we are waiting for answers. We know that you know the plans you have for us that is for a hope and a future according to Jeremiah, and we just wait with anticipation to see what the next chapter of our lives will bring. I thank you Jesus, for your grace and mercy and the freedom to publish this blog that it may help in the healing and growth of others who are grieving and trying again. Thank you for my friendships who are supporting me through this. You are amazing and I cannot praise you enough for your love.

Please connect anew with any who are reading this and give them strength to face whatever they are to face. Allow your love to infiltrate their minds and hearts. Amen

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Negative on Day 29

Today is CD 29. I know that I should have my period today if I were still on birth control. It was noon I would start. But, in this first month off of birth control pills, I don't know what to expect. I decided to test this morning, because hubby is convinced I am pregnant. Also, after the small amount of bleeding last Tuesday, that I figured must have been implantation, I thought for sure I would get a positive test. I researched pregnancy tests online and found that the Equate brand from Wal*Mart was inexpensive, but the most accurate of all the tests on the market. It can detect 20 mIU of hCG, where e.p.t. detects at 50 mIU. So I bought the three pack at $10 and tested last Saturday, with a negative result and then it says to test 3 days later until I get my period or get a positive result. Well, today, it was negative. I am bummed, but I don't consider that NOT pregnant, just I don't know for sure, yet.

I am reading a book about those of us who are trying for a subsequent pregnancy after a loss. It is by Ann Douglas and John R. Sussman, M.D., and titled, Trying Again: A Guide to Pregnancy After Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Infant Loss. In Chapter 7, "If there's one word that bereaved mothers frequently use to describe their desire to become pregnant again, it's 'obsession,'" it says. This is 100% what I feel. I am obsessed with getting pregnant, and finding out and going through the motions to make a healthy child appear on the other side of this calendar. I have waited 3 and one half years to DECIDE to try to get pregnant. I don't want to wait just as long to actually get pregnant. So, I am obsessed. I have never been known to have fertility issues, and yet I think like someone who has. I am charting my temps, my cervical fluid and postition, making sure I am baby dancing on the right calendar days, fluffing a pillow under my bum to let the little guys swim afterward!! It seems insane, but I don't want to wait, I just want to get it going.

This same book lists the odds of conceiving in any cycle as 10-25% depending on age. For my age, late 20's, it says I have a 15-20% chance of conceiving in any given month if I baby dance regularly, and the average length of time it will take me to get pregnant is 5-7 months! WOW! I cannot imagine the frustration it must feel to spend that long trying to conceive, let alone those who are trying for years. But, I will endure whatever the Lord allows for however long He lets it. At this point, I still feel this is the right time for us, and I will continue to try!

Lord, I pray for those women who are infertile for various reasons. I ask that you give them wisdom and strength to do what you are asking them to do and I ask that you make your love for them tangible and real. I pray that if it is not in your plan for them to have a child again, that you take the desire away from them and that you give them a peace about it that surpasses all comprehension!

I also pray, Lord, that you reveal to me what is in store for me. I ask you to bless me as your will allows and let me do your work in the meantime. I praise you, Father, for you are in control of everything and you know all the plans you have for me and my little ones! Thank you that I can come to you at any time and be who I am without fear of repercussion, because you are a God who loves me enough to let YOUR SON die for me. Give me a spirit of peace and patience as I wait for the positive test and not a spirit of obsession. In Jesus' name, AMEN

Monday, July 20, 2009

Day 28

Here is the latest in my newest journey. I have started my own personal journal, and here are the highlights:

June 23 -- day 1 period began after stopping birth control pills, have been on pills a long time, so I don't know how long my normal cycle usually lasts. Couple months before Ethan was conceived they were 34 days long.

June 27 -- told my dad that we were trying to get pregnant. He teared as he said, "Can't you adopt? I don't want to see you die." I know he and others are scared, but they don't know how much I have worried about the same things. Yes, I know I was so close to death in childbirth with Ethan, but can I really let that keep me from the joy of having a living child? I am willing to take the risk of death to have a family. Yes, dad, I can adopt, but we would really like to have a biological child. Please just pray for us and love us through this journey. When he may have only thought about it a couple of times over the last few years, I have thought, analyzed and prayed for this every day for 3.5 years. It is time to try again!

June 30-July 15 -- fertile days. Many attempts at baby dust here! Surprisingly I am not afraid. Maybe because I have waited 3.5 years to try again..HA!

July 12-18 -- nauseous. I think I have the flu. Stomach is just not right. Can't be morning sickness, can it?

July 14 -- bright red spotting this morning. I am worried. Either I am starting my 2nd cycle early, or I am having an early miscarriage, or this is implantation bleeding. Nonetheless, I went to Cedar Point as scheduled and had a blast! I am in crazy mode now...every twinge I feel, I am either positive I am pregnant, or positive I am not...HOW LONG DO I HAVE TO WAIT TO TEST??

July 18 -- Cycle Day 26: I am a crazy person. I bought 3 pregnancy tests today. It is supposed to be able to show pregnancy “5 days before missed period”, so if I have a 28-31 day cycle, I should be able to know. Well, it was negative today, but I am not convinced I am not pregnant yet. I will test again next week sometime. I told Shaun and he grabbed my belly and talked into it, “Come on, work! Dad says work!” It was cute! He never did touch my belly when I was pregnant with Ethan. He said he thought pregnancy was boring, so this time he is going to be more aware of everything going on. We will see. Plus, I am still not feeling the best.

July 20 -- Cycle Day 28: if I had normal length cycles, my period should begin tomorrow. I haven't had any symptoms of pregnancy or PMS. I just don't know. Perhaps I will test tomorrow morning. It still could be too early to tell. It is nice thinking about wanting to be pregnant, but I am not sure how I will react when it actually happens.

Lord, I pray for your blessing on this journey. I ask that your will be done. If it is in your plan for us to be pregnant, I ask that you allow it to happen on your timing. And if it isn't, I ask that you take this desire to be a mom completely away. I pray for your peace, and your strength, and your love to carry me and my husband through this. I thank you that you are a God who loves us and who works all things together for the good of those who love you and are called according to your purpose, as you have showed us in Romans 8:28. I pray for those who are reading this blog that they come to know you through this journey and through their own, that they see that you are faithful and loving! I pray for your guidance upon any and all mothers who are hurting from the loss of their child and I pray that they know you are a God who knows what it is like to hold his child he knows will die and that you are a father who experienced the loss of a child as well. I thank you for who you are in Jesus' name, AMEN!

Tiny Purpose

Tiny Purpose, a nonprofit organization to support mothers who have lost babies due to miscarriage, stillbirth or early infant death, is the reason this blog exists. The intention is to follow me, a fellow mother who has lost a child, as I embark upon the world of trying to conceive and having a subsequent pregnancy and the feelings and fears and prayers that go along with that!

You don't have to be a mother without her baby to read or comment on this post, but please be considerate of those who are. If you are in a similar situation as me, please feel free to share your thoughts and fears as well in the comments section. I hope this blog will give you hope, encouragement and validation to your own feelings! Here's baby dust to those of us who are trying to conceive and lots of love and prayers to those of you who are pregnant and awaiting a healthy child at the end of the nine months!

The Journey begins!

So this is a blog about a journey. Appropriately titled, as it has been a LONG treacherous journey indeed. But in looking forward, the new journey is about to begin!

Four and one half years ago I was pregnant with my first son. I knew what a blessing he was the moment I found out about him. I was delighted to be his mother and that journey began. On January 14, 2006, he was ready to be born, but several complications occurred that ushered in the end of his journey. Ethan was born at 6:34 am by cesarean section and was born without breathing. He spent 5 days on a respirator and in the NICU until it was determined he was not going to make it any longer. His father and I had to decide to remove him from life support. He died at 11:25pm January 19, 2006. For Ethan's and my full story, please go to

The road thereafter has been trying, to put it lightly. I was so sick during Ethan's life. I lost massive amounts of blood and didn't recover well from surgery. It was a scary five days for both Ethan and myself. My husband was worried he would lose us both. Thankfully, I survived. Traumatized, physically and emotionally, but with God's grace and provision, I survived.

I was encouraged to wait 2 years before pursuing a 2nd pregnancy. My doctor was concerned that recurrence was likely. She forwarded me a scholarly journal which supported her advice to wait two years and so my husband and I agreed. It was tough to say goodbye to motherhood for at least two years, but we knew we had some major grief work to do.

The next two years were brutal. But, being type A as I am, I was determined to work it through til the end. We did counseling and talked about our son. We struggled through nine other pregnancies and healthy births in our siblings' families. We celebrated their lives and mourned the life we thought we would have.

After the two years had passed, my hubby and I were still afraid of the complications of pregnancy. We had seriously considered never having children. We didn't even want to entertain the thought of adoption, either. But, we instead chose to see a perinatalogist who could review the two inch stack of medical records and help us determine what our next course of action should be. In April 2008, two years after Ethan was born and died, we met with Dr. B. and he told us that our chances of the same thing happening were no more great than it was the first pregnancy. Somehow, at that moment in time, it was just not enough for us to try again. We decided to do monthly check in's with each other to see if it was time to get off the pill. Every month ended the same way...not yet.

In June 2009, I asked my husband the normal question, "do you think it is time to get off birth control?"
"Umm, maybe, I don't know." he stuttered.
"Well, I think I am ready." I told him with a smile.
"But, I am unemployed and just started school. Do you really think it is a good time?"
"But, I have great medical insurance and maternity leave at my new job and you will receive unemployment while you are in school." I tried to convince him.
"But, we aren't getting along as well as what we used to."
"But, it is getting better!"
"Well, ok, let's get pregnant!"

Whoa! I thought as I had had this very conversation for several months now, and it never ended like this! I was ecstatic. This was the first time I had thought about another pregnancy without fear or dread. This was the first time we decided to try without mourning our firstborn. This was the first time I didn't feel the tug of the Holy Spirit trying to tell me it was not the right time. I believe this is God's perfect timing for us and we are excited to share this journey with you. Please pray for us as we are starting our family again!