Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Month 10, Cycle 8, Day7

Took my last dose of Clomid onto 4 1/2 days of estrogen 2 times a day. I am not excited about that! You know, I am one who HATES taking medication. I will suffer with a cold or headache. So, having to take a pill to induce something my body is supposed to do naturally is difficult. Today I woke up 35 minutes past my alarm clock, without realizing I must have shut it off and went back to sleep. Then I felt very strange. I took my pulse and it was weak and fast. I blinked and my vision was flashing every time I blinked and opened. It was very unusual and I am still experiencing some of the flashing. My temps went down for a few days, but today it shot up to 98.1! I am never that high, except after ovulation. So, I tested with my monitor and it looks like I didn't ovulate, but who knows why?

Keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I am super anxious about taking the estrogen. 6 pills every day! Seems overkill. But, hope that it works this time!!!

Father, thank you again for your kindness and I ask you to bless those who are reading this. Thank you for already putting my children's names on the calendar. You know when, where, how and why for all and I just can't wait to get a little glimpse of your plan! In Jesus' name, AMEN

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Month 10, Cycle 8, Day 4

So, I took the plunge. Clomid 150mg dose started yesterday. I have 2 down, 3 to go, then 5 days of estrogen. These are the toughest days. I feel weird!! Kind of like floating, and shaky and then the nagging headaches that Tylenol doesn't touch. I am so light sensitive; even the rainclouds were too bright for me, I needed sunglasses. My temps are not as even as they were last month. 97.9, 97.6, 97.6, 97.9. Last month they were 97.6-97.7 for my entire follicular phase (menstruation through ovulation). So, hopefully I will get a good rise indicating ovulation in about 10 days from today!!! Good thing I am on Spring Break starting Friday!

Keep praying and sending those positive vibes this way, please!! I sure hope my friends out there who are preggo are doing well and those who are not yet, are still encouraged to wait on the Lord. Thank you to my friends who have been there before me and have helped me through this. Thank you to those of you who are supporting me although you have no personal experiences, but are willing to listen and offer hope. Thank you all who I have not mentioned, but are so very supportive in each of your own ways. I appreciate you!

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Month 10, Cycle 8, Day 1

Started my period today. Took 32 days this cycle. I went to the doctor yesterday and she thought I ovulated on Day 18. She wants it to be closer to day 14, so she is wanting me to increase my dose of clomid to 150mg.

I am so anxious. I HATE those pills. I hate feeling crazy and noticing every single twinge, pinch, ache and pain. Dr. says she sees a lot of success in the 3rd month of clomid, and from what I read, if someone hasn't become pregnant by the third month, then success is not likely to happen in that way of treatment. So, if I do the round of clomid, this is probably the last shot. Then, I will need to investigate Reproductive Endocrinologists to see about a sperm specimen and other tests to figure this out. I almost think I should schedule the appointment to be sure I don't miss out on another month of trying.

Anyway, emotions all over the place. I haven't decided if I have the strength to go one more round. I should start Clomid on Saturday if I do decide to do it. If so, then I am gonna need a lot of support from you guys who think this is a great option for me. Keep the encouragement coming. Send good notes, warm feelings, signs from God, messages in a bottle, cards, flowers, candies and personal experience stories. I thrive off of these things. Why do you think I choose to write a blog about my experience? Because I know how much other people's experiences help me.

I forgot to add that for about 4 days I entertained the idea I might be pregnant. Although I was spotting and cramping and my temperature dipped and I had a negative urine test, when Dr. felt my uterus and said it felt fuller to her, I thought, well, maybe!! Then the negative blood test came this morning and I found myself more than spotting. Oh well, I was expecting it, sort of.

Father, thank you again for another chance to become pregnant by allowing me to ovulate and have a period. I appreciate the intricacies about the human body and life cycle. Please help me to become pregnant this month as this may be our last option. I know you are the author of life and you know better than I, but I am asking boldly for my will to be yours. Help others who are trying to help me through this. Give them the right words to encourage me and lift me up. Help me also I am holding others up in their journeys. I love you and thank you again. In Jesus' name, AMEN~!

SHOULD I DO ANOTHER ROUND? IF SO, WILL YOU SUPPORT ME? Share your opinion and thoughts here.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Month 10, Cycle 7, Day 30, 14 dpo

Two low temps yesterday and today -- 97.6. I tested this morning since I have been having all sorts of pregnancy symptoms. Still negative. I expect aunt flo to be here soon, within 12-24 hours.

Now to decide how to handle the next cycle. Clomid is so taxing to me emotionally. I am not sure I can endure one more month. I don't really know what other options I have, but I will be asking this next appointment. Hopefully there will be other options.

Shaun and I discussed getting a kitty if we were not pregnant this month. We had decided after the last of our three cats died, that we would not get any more pets, but we are desperate to love something! Somehow, a kitten just doesn't feel sufficient today. I guess we could investigate the adoption route a little more. Don't think we can afford that with no jobs after this summer, but it wouldn't hurt to look into it more.

Please pray for our decision. Pray that God will guide us in the direction He has planned for us and that He keeps me and our future children safe and healthy!

Father, thank you again for your faithfulness and love, without which, I am a melting ball of nothing. I thank you so much for everything you are! I pray for Shaun and my future, as you have promised to give us hope and a future. It's sad to see my hubby's heart break with each passing month. Help us to know where to turn or when to stay the course of this journey. It is not easy, Lord. Send your spirit to be our counselor, our guider in this darkness. You alone, Jesus are worthy. Please continue to bless my pregnant sisters, that they are able to go through pregnancy without fear of loss or tragedy. I pray for the other ladies on the same infertility spectrum, that you bring them the desires of their hearts and bless them with the children you promised to gift them -- bless the women whose quiver is TO BE full of them. I pray these things in YOUR name, AMEN.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Month 10, Cycle 7, day 28. 12days past ovulation

I took a test this morning that is the "early" test which measures 25 hcg units (one of the lowest on the market). And it is negative. :(

I have been having symptoms of pregnancy and/or pms for the last 3 days. nausea, tender breasts, cramps, back pain, twinges in abdomen. I don't have an average day for when I get my period, but I would assume that it may match last month which I was on clomid. Last month was 30 days, so I am guessing I should start my period before Wednesday this week. In which case, then, it may be too early to test anyway.

What is my instinct? I think that these signs are more period cramping. I haven't had a lot of experience with my natural signs being as I was on birth control for 15 years. Over this last year, I have learned so much about the woman's cycle. However, mine is not typical!!

This week, my cousin was having her c-section delivery and had a heart attack. She and her baby survived, but her heart attack at age 35 is concerning. From what I understand, she doesn't have blockages or whatever, I think they said it was a mild heart attack caused by a spasm on the outside of the heart. I read the chances are like 6/100,000 cases. Very rare, but apparently our family seems to hit the proverbial jackpot in these cases.

I am again anxious about perhaps having to do another round of Clomid. I thought I could do it til I heard of my cousin. Things continue to be scarier. I try to convince myself that the end product will be so worth all this. I try to believe that for me things will FINALLY work out perfectly healthy. I try to put faith in God and believe that He would not allow me to suffer again. But, reality hits and I realize that He allowed me to live through the devastation once I was obeying Him, and He has not given my any indication that everything would work out exactly as I would hope. I have to just keep praying for His will and for me to hear Him when He speaks to me.

Father, I ask you to bless my cousin who is recovering from her cardiac episode during delivery. Prepare her and her children to have long lives and to experience complete healing that only you can bring. Lord, I ask that you continue to be clear with me regarding pregnancy and I pray that it is your timing and your will for me that you will bring it to completion. Father, pregnancy this month would be great as I am increasingly more anxious and ambivalent as the months pass. Help me to live each day to the fullest and to love those you have called me to in the ways that you have chosen for me. I thank you for the special opportunities I have had this week and praise you for given me the strength to handle those situations. I love you, in Jesus' name, Amen.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Month 10, Cycle 7, Day 23, 8dpo

I couldn't resist the urge to test. Especially since I had those $1 early pregnancy tests from the dollar tree! But, it was negative this morning. There is like a 40% chance of it being positive if I actually were pregnant, so I guess I shouldn't fret. Anyway, I am already starting to think if I should do another round of clomid. Not excited about that, so hopefully the tests will show positive soon! IMPLANT, implant, implant little ball of cells!!!!

Father, I am praying for your will, not mine, but if mine is yours, then PLEASE send me news of this bambino growing inside. Praying for all my sisters in similar but different journeys. You know what each of them need. In Jesus' name, AMEN!

Friday, March 12, 2010

Month 10, Cycle 7, Day 19 just confirmed that I had ovulation on Day 16! I am 3 dpo. my temp on day16 was 97.2, 17-97.7, 18-98.1 and 19(today)-98.1! I am overjoyed that the torturous meds have worked to cause me to ovulate!!!!

Also, according to this website, I have timed intercourse perfectly! Now, I am just waiting on God and time to see if this month results in pregnancy. Give me 7-10 days and then I can test to see if there is HCG in my urine.

Father, thank you for giving me the patience and fortitude to continue taking this medication this month even though I wholeheartedly did not want to. I thank you for my friends who knew when I needed the encouragement and followed your lead to tell me what they felt on their hearts to share. I pray that my sisters who are currently pregnant, that you continue to bless them. I pray for those who are still trying that you continue to build them up and love on them, and I pray for all who have prayed for me, that you reward them as you see fit. Thank you so much for your grace and love. You know the desire of my heart, I pray that you see it to completion soon, in Jesus' name, AMEN!

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Month 10, Cycle 7, Day 17

I GOT A PEAK READING on my fertility monitor today!!!! This is indicative of a luteinizing hormone surge above that of my estrogen which says ovulation is 24 hours either way. I could have ovulated yesterday or expecting ovulation today!! At any rate, it is my very first "egg" symbol on this machine since I began using it in August...thank you, Beth, for letting me use it!!

My temperature dipped a little yesterday which made me think ovulation was within 24 hours of that. It rose from 97.2 to 97.7, but my coverline or highest pre-ovulation temperature was 97.7 so, not significant enough of a rise to tell me that I have in fact ovulated. I am hoping for a higher temp tomorrow that will confirm all the other signs. My cervix was perfect on Sunday, but is still medium soft, medium position and slightly open today. It's hard to tell about my cervical fluid, what with all the baby making attempts ;)

Anyway, since it is day 17, I am supposed to begin taking my progesterone today. I had heard from you other ttc mamas that I shouldn't take it until 2 days past ovulation otherwise I might not ovulate. So, I have a call in to my doctor and left a message with all this information and I won't take the progesterone until she says that she doesn't think it would inhibit implantation. If I were the one to decide, I would start taking it tomorrow or Friday. Anyway, I am praying, praying, praying that this is the month.

Lord, help me please to conceive a child. I don't believe you would put this desire to have children so urgently on me if you weren't planning on seeing it to completion. Father, comfort me as I continue these next few days and bless those who are making decisions that they would be full of your knowledge and not be swayed to give advice that would impede your will. I pray for your will to be done. That you are glorified in all of this and that your name is praised. Thank you Father for this pregnancy in advance and I pray that my child is blessed. Thank you in Jesus' name, Amen. Father, I also pray for my friends, that positive HPT's are on the verge and that your will is accomplished in them that others may see your goodness in it. I pray for those who still need comfort in their loss and grief journey. I pray for supernatural guidance and protection around them in this most emotional time. Father, you are wonderful and mighty. I thank you for your faithfulness. In His holy name, AMEN!

***UPDATE -- The doctor's receptionist just called to tell me that the doctor says it's ok for me to wait the two days and not start progesterone until day 19! Then the receptionist says, "hope to see you in here real soon!" I hope so too!!!! Crossing my fingers and praying!

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Month 10, Cycle 7, Day 14

I think today may be the day. I had the same temperature, but my cervix is doing what it is supposed to do; high, soft, open and slippery ;) So, hopefully hubby will make it home soon! Pray with me to see God do what only He can do. I used Clomid to stimulate ovulation, but God is the Author of Life!!!

Father, if this is your will, I pray that you bless me with a child today! Give me the desires of my heart and redeem me for the loss that I have endured. I pray that you use the situations I have had to bless others and to give them a reason to put their hope and trust in you. You alone are worthy and I praise your name, Jesus! Be with my friends who continue to experience loss and those who are currently trying again. Give them the desires of their hearts as well and heal and hold them until the FEEL your love! In Jesus' name, AMEN!

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Month 10, Cycle 7, Day 13

Day 13...I am not driving to Columbus for a booty call because my stats are almost identical to yesterdays. I bet that I will ovulate tomorrow, Monday or Tuesday, so I should have time to procreate when hubby comes home in the morning and as needed thereafter! I am praying that I haven't squashed my opportunity and this round of Clomid was in vain.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Month 10, Cycle 7, Day 12

My monitor is still reading high, not peak yet. Cervix is becoming more soft, high and slightly open. Ovulation is approaching. Let's pray this is THE month my baby is conceived! Pray also for God's will to be done!

Father, thank you for the opportunity to take medication to help me do what my body forgot how to do. If it is your will, I ask you Lord to please bless me with a child this month. Your word says I have not, because I ask not, so Lord, I am asking you to give me the desires of my heart, not out of my selfish desires, but out of the desire that you placed on my heart to influence young people by being their mother. Psalm 37:4 tells me that if I delight in you, you will give me the desires of my heart. You are amazing and I am in awe at your works and love. Praise the Lord, you are good!! In Jesus' name, AMEN!

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Month 10, Cycle 7, Day 10

Pregnancy test was negative, so doctor says not to worry and just go about as scheduled. 4 more doses of estrogen; tonight, tomorrow, tomorrow night and Friday morning. I got high readings on my fertility monitor for the last three days and that indicates that my estrogen is rising. Good thing because I have been taking high doses of it! So, now I am waiting for any signs of luteinizing hormone; dip in temperature, open, high and soft cervix, watery or egg white cervical fluid and a PEAK reading on my monitor. According to Fertility friend, I should anticipate ovulation between day 15-19, or Monday-Friday next week. Doctor is hoping these extra hormones will make me ovulate on day 14 which is Sunday, so that makes me approaching the fertile period right now.

Hubby and I are starting the babymaking daily routine today. He will be out of town Friday-Sunday, so if I happen to have any of those telltale signs, I may be taking a road trip this weekend. All in good fun!

Father, thanks for your provision and helping keep myself going one foot in front of the other. One step at a time you will show me that you are faithful and keep your promises. I believe Christ! In Jesus' name, AMEN!

Monday, March 1, 2010

Month 10, Cycle 7, Day 8

I finished my last Clomid pill this cycle yesterday. Today I started my estrogen. Then, the red spotting. I was scared! I knew I read in the medical side effects section that the pharmacy supplies to me, that I needed to report this bleeding between periods to my doctor as this is rare, and yet serious. So, I called the doctor and she is asked me to come in for a blood pregnancy test. She doesn't think it is so, since she personally did the urine test 5 days ago, but needs to rule pregnancy out first of all. I should know tomorrow about the test. My worry is that I have grown a cyst that is about to rupture or blood clots or whatever. Or if I am pregnant, did the clomid do irreversible damage to the embyro or worse yet, am I going to have to terminate, or miscarry or it is an ectopic??? The anxiety is a bit much, but I am trying to manage by putting God's truth up around me to protect me. "Fear not, for I am with thee!"

Yes, I know that He is in control of all things, and he would not have put the desire to have children so heavily on my heart, if he did not intend to fulfill it. A friend offered me this advice in a nutshell "just keep swimming, just keep swimming!" I am so close to the end of this road...I can feel it, and I just have to keep my eyes cast on HIM!

LORD, you are worthy and holy and powerful. I praise you! In Jesus' healing name, AMEN!