Sunday, August 30, 2009

Fertility Monitor

Today is Cycle Day 6 of my second cycle since trying to conceive beginning in June. I was able to start this cycle with an electronic fertility monitor!! Thank you to my cousin who loaned it to me, as it can cost anywhere from $170-$250 dollars.

This will help me determine when my hormones are at its peak and pinpoint ovulation if I am having it or not. I have also been charting my temps and baseline is looking like 97.6. So, I imagine that since I have had longer cycles (63 days last month and 34 days the other two months that I have been off the pill since adulthood), that this charting and peeing on sticks thing may take a while before I get a positive indication that I am fertile. Hopefully, the progesterone helped to get the other hormones working and I will be with child before too long. Still praying for God's perfect timing.

I wonder what you other ladies who are TTCing are at and if you are hitting the jackpot this month. Leave a reply and let me know.

Father, thank you dearly for the ability to communicate with people via blog, email, etc. and also for technology like the fertility monitor. You allowed it to be created in this period and I am grateful for being born into this time period. You are amazing and I praise you that you are the ultimate creator! Bring peace, love and hope to my sisters in similar situations and prepare their hearts for greater things to come!! Amen

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

It worked!

CD1 of second cycle!

Today I woke to what used to be an unpleasant surprise, but after 63 days without it, I am pleased to announce that I have started my uh-ahem! You know...

So, now to chart temperatures! Today I started at 97.7 even though I didn't know it was day one until after I got out of bed. So, I jumped back into bed and warmed up to try to get an accurate read. Any veterans out there who have suggestions? This is my first temperature charting experience, and I have no idea how long this cycle may last, so I am hoping for some expert advise.

Praise the Lord that modern medicine is available!! Amen

Sunday, August 23, 2009

CD 62... Took the last progesterone pill yesterday morning. According to doctor, I should have my cycle return in 3-10 days! Online it says it is 90% effective. I hope so. That way I can begin charting my temps and practice trying again! I will buy some ovulation predictor tests and see if God will allow me to become pregnant this month...

Who knows? Well, God does. So, I am putting my trust in Him and the technology and medicine He has allowed in this generation that He has strategically placed me in!

Praise be to Him and Him alone. Speaking of this, a great verse I studied yesterday in my women's group: Ephesians 3:20-21 "Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we can ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."

Tuesday, August 18, 2009


Cycle Day 57...

No period. Took a home test -- negative. Went to dr. yesterday to take a blood serum test -- negative. Will be starting a 5 day regimen of Provera, a progesterone pill, and then hopefully will initiate a cycle to begin within 7-10 days. Not sure if this will get the cycles rolling or not, but I think that is what the plan is. Nurse said to track temps and perhaps get an ovulation predictor kit. But, supposed to wait a year of trying before coming to see the doctor about it.

The wait continues.

Lord, please be the strength I need to continue this and the effects it has on my relationship with my husband. I thank you for allow me to live in an age where medicine has a lot of answers to some things, but still not enough to show that you are in control of ALL things! You are worthy and I praise you. Bless my sisters in the blog community who are trying again and keep them wrapped in the knowledge that you have a plan and a purpose for them and their youngsters' lives. I pray for my pregnant sisters, that you hold and protect their little ones with a great plan for them as well. In Jesus' name, Amen

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Are you gonna try again?

The dreaded question for all of us moms who have lost. It's not that we don't want to have a healthy baby in our arms, it's just we want THE baby in our arms. That baby was loved, wanted, needed and we TRIED hard to keep him here. So at every stage of grieving and healing, we receive this question differently...

My (true) answers to the question at various points...but I never had the courage to say:

First few months after loss... "No, I am not trying again, I have TRIED and succeeded, but my body failed me in protecting him. I am not replacing him with another child! He is the only one I want right now and besides, I almost died...hello? are you serious??? Do you see the other babies and pregnant women? I do. Every single one of them and it pains me to see them. I wish I were still pregnant, and then I would have my baby boy still. I don't want another one. I want my Ethan."

6 months after loss... "Sure, I would like to try again, but this void I am feeling is so tremendous, and just when you think I should have moved on, I feel like the pain has just begun. No, I am not trying again, because I just cannot bear the thought of my possibly dying and the thought of going through that again. Would you seriously want me to be like this again in another year? No thank you. I would love to have kids, but I can't even imagine caring for one in this deep black hole of darkness I live in. Besides, the babies I see are so full of life and I cringe to hear them. It HURTS so bad!"

one year post loss... "They say the first year is the hardest. I tend to agree, but the longer it passes, the most disconnected I become. I feel numb and by the way, my doctor told me to wait two years before trying again. I'm just not going to think about it for a while. Right now, I will just look at my nephews and pretend they are like my own. Sometimes it really hurts me to see them because someone else is able to achieve pregnancy and healthy children without trying. I may never try again. I know that is not what you want to hear, but the fact is that was one LONG year. Imagine being without your child for one year and see if you want to try again. Not so easy is it?"

one and one half years post loss... "Oh MY...this second year is taking forever, I am so ready to move on and get going on having another child, but the doctors orders says to wait. I am not willing to go against anything my doctor tells me because I am so fearful that the same thing will happen again to another child. I miss him terribly, but the pain is starting to diminish. I realize he will not return to me and another child will not replace him, but no, I guess I am not yet ready anyway. But, waiting sucks!"

two years post loss... "yes, we want to try again, but we have to make sure all our ducks are in a row. I will check out several doctors and ask their opinions and research hospital policies and let's try to give it a go. I desperately want to be a mom of an earthy child, I am still so very scared. Not ready to die at 28 years old. Ummm....maybe not yet. I guess we will just check in with each other each month and see when it is time. Not yet. Too scary. BTW, do you remember my son's name, the one who died? You haven't mentioned him in a LONG time...His name is Ethan and yes, I love to talk about him! It doesn't hurt as much except when he is forgotten."

two and one half years post loss... "I am ready but hubby is not. It's scary you know, for him to lose both his son and then to think it is possible to lose another baby plus his wife. I have dealt with the grief up front and personal and though I know I cannot grieve certain aspects until I face the time frame, I feel like I am healing finally. Hubby however is unable to grieve the loss of his wife. I am different. I am forever changed by the scars. I cannot be carefree anymore. That's ok with me but he is struggling. I understand, but just wish he were on the same page as me. I will wait for him because this journey to parenthood is a joint venture and I want what is best for my children. We will wait. I will reluctantly."

three years post loss... "OMG, my baby boy is three! This is my most favorite age. Oh, he would be talking and getting into everything and asking why? all the time. I grieve that. I would have been talking to my hubby about trying again for another child even if Ethan were alive today. Children are such a blessing from God and I can't wait to raise my own. Why is my hubby not ready even yet? He is not, and to tell you the truth, I am getting real angry that I have to wait for him to plan my future with my family. Hubby just lost his job and that is now his new excuse for not wanting to try again. You see, this question is so loaded. No, we are not gonna try again and I don't know if we ever will. Let's see if this marriage lasts anyway."

Three and one half years post loss... "Hubby is coming around. Wise counsel suggests that we are hypercritical of the timing and perhaps letting go and letting God is the best decision. I agree and finally the hubby agrees at the same time! Though, collateral damage has occured in our marriage and we will have to work hard to get things together. The excitement outweighs the fear and that is usually the recipe for trying again."

Three and one half years plus two months post loss... "Yes, we are trying again. Have been off birth control for two months, but a new adventure awaits us. I am not yet ovulating. Can't get pregnant without those eggs. I didn't anticipate at any time that I would face infertility. Boy, do I miss my son, Ethan. Perhaps he wants to be an only child? IDK, but we are ready together to do this and yet again my body is failing me. I am trying to stay positive and not jump to conclusions, but here we are again Lord. Yes, we are gonna keep trying, but it may take several different types of trying to get a healthy baby to us, but please don't judge us in the process. No longer fearful of another pregnancy. I never thought that would EVER happen -- that I wouldn't be scared. Must mean we are healed...or at least forgetting how awful it once was. Regardless the excitement has driven out the fear = time to continue trying! Say a prayer for us and thank you for all your previous prayers."

Anyone else out there who have been here and have their (true) responses to this dreaded question? Please comment and share and become a follower of this blog.

BTW...still no period since getting off birth control, but tests continue to be negative for pregnancy.

Lord, thank you for this opportunity and bless those well meaning friends and family who ask us hurting moms when we are gonna try again. In Jesus' name, Amen

Saturday, August 8, 2009

not bitter


I know this journey is not what I had anticipated. I know that in the past, I let the things I have not anticipated control me. I know that you are a God with a plan greater than mine. I just thank you that you are in control of everything. I praise you that you know all. And I thank you that despite my not being in control, I feel completely safe and secure in your plan. I don't feel an ounce of bitterness, no reason to be angry or dismayed. I feel completely loved by you that my period is not perfectly predictable. I feel in awe that I am not controlling the outcomes of creating a child this month. I feel free that you know it all and are working for the good of those of us who love you.

I can't say that I wanted to not be in control. I can't say that this was my plan. But, I am so happy to know that You are everything that I need and life is much less stressful when I let go. I pray for your perfect will, Lord. I pray for children as abundant as you allow for my husband and myself. I pray that they come to us as your will allows, whether through pregnancy, surrogacy, adoption or fostering. And, I pray that my husband is as wonderfully excited to receive them in whatever form they come (as that, I am sure, will be confirmation of your will). I pray for a blessed, long, faithful marriage in which to raise healthy, well adjusted children. Lord, provide me with a healthy zeal for living and allow my husband and me to continue to see you provide for us. We love you and revere you so.

I pray for my sisters who are pregnant after previous loss and ask that you continue to provide healing for them as they are facing their fears. I pray that you will bless them with a healthy child who will give them hope for the future. I pray for those who are trying to conceive after loss that they feel you among them and know that your timing is better than theirs. Wrap your arms around them and provide them with a mountaintop experience that will forever change their lives. Introduce them to the saving grace of Jesus!


Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Still waiting

Day 44 or 45, I can't remember. Haven't got a period yet. Took another test on Monday, negative! I called the doctor this morning. The nurse told me to wait it out another week and a half and if nothing happens by August 17 (2 months past last period), then come in and take a pregnancy test and if it is negative, they will start me on Provera. Apparently it is synthetic progesterone that I will take for 5 days and it will induce a period in a week to 10 days after that. If it doesn't, I don't know what will happen then.

Anyone feel like you can't win for tryin'? I feel a bit defeated, but we will see. All about God's timing, not mine. He is in control and I want Him to be, so I will wait.

Lord, thank you for your perfect plan to work out according to your will. I love you and thank you for my friends and fellow followers who are joining me. Please bless someone with a precious gift of a child for any of my friends who are trying to conceive after having previous losses. I pray that healing and rejuvenation will follow because of your love for them. Thank you that you are a God who is faithful, and can be a savior and light for all to see! In Jesus' name, Amen