Monday, June 28, 2010

Starting over in FAITH

The circle of life...All things have a beginning and and end. And then it starts over again... Yesterday I finally felt a twinge of sadness after the events of the last 10 days. It feels surreal that I conceived and he only survived a few short days in utero.

I am reading a great devotional book that a dear friend passed along to me. It has a page of reading with Bible passages to look up after reading it each day for every day of the year. Sarah Young wrote Jesus Calling: Enjoying Peace in His Presence and I am in awe at what God is teaching me through it. Yesterday's reading was so fitting:

"Rest with me a while. You have journeyed up a steep, rugged path in recent days. The way ahead is shrouded with uncertainty. Look neither behind you nor before you. Instead, focus your attention on Me, your constant Companion. Trust that I will equip you fully for whatever awaits you on your journey.

I designed time to be a protection for you. You couldn't bear to see all your life at once. Though I am unlimited by time, it is in the present moment that I meet you. Refresh yourself in My company breathing deep draughts of My Presence. The highest level of trust is to enjoy Me moment by moment. I am with you, watching over you wherever you go.

Psalm 143:8 ; Genesis 28:15" -- page 186, Jesus Calling

I am so excited to report that GOD is living in me!! For sure!! I am so glad that He didn't lay out for me all that would happen to me as soon as I was able to understand. Yes, time alone is what has allowed me to endure without giving up hope. I am putting my trust in the ONE AND ONLY GOD who is Jesus Christ. Today, I am good. Today, I feel ok. Today I am on my 8th day of my cycle. It is a new one and it has been good. I am hopeful that I will become pregnant again soon, but today I choose to live in the moment. He is watching over me!!!

Father, Thank you Jesus for your protection and love. I am so very grateful for you grace, your mercy and your patience. I pray for you to reveal yourself to any person who reads this and any one in the world, for that matter. I pray that they see only your love and that they cling to you with HOPE; enough for today. Because your mercies are new each morning. Praise you Father for that. Thank you for the positive stories I am hearing regarding this blog and my mentor-ship. I thank you for the young lady who has chosen to try again after a year of grief and her partner being reluctant to try. I praise you for changing his heart in response to prayer. I thank you for the gift of peace, which is beyond understanding. I love you, Lord. In Jesus name, I thank you for TODAY!! AMEN!

Monday, June 21, 2010


Actually is called a chemical pregnancy. My beta on Month 13, Cycle 10, day 32, 17dpo was 5...not pregnant. I have been spotting bright red today. The doctor said that I should just have a regular period and then be able to start fertility treatments again this week! For that I am grateful. I told Shaun last night that I had heard of others who have had miscarriages and their doctors told them to wait 3 months for emotional healing. I told him there was no way I was waiting. We have been waiting 5+ years for a baby. We have dealt with pregnancy loss. We will do this grieving while we are trying again. Even if the doctor told us we should wait, I was planning on requiring him to give me very well researched reasons why we shouldn't try right away. Thank you Lord for not forcing me to press this issue.

As soon as I know which day is day 1 of my period, today or tomorrow, I will call the fertility clinic for a day 14 ultrasound and start taking Femara on days 3-7. We will check out those follicles on day 14 and do another shot of hCG if it is ready.

I feel so very blessed to have achieved pregnancy. It is refreshing to know that my body is able to do it. Now, I pray that the Lord allows me to KEEP the next one. But, no matter what, HE IS STILL GOOD!!! Reminds me of this song...check it out!

Father, You are wonderful. Your name fills the Earth no matter what my situation is. I am so in awe of your creation. Of how careful every single detail of every single thing is made. I thank you for the opportunity to have carried two of your creations. You knit them together and are holding both my Ethan and little Plato.

Thank you for giving me the venue to share my story with so many. Have them see that you are beyond all understanding and that your love alone is sufficient. But, that you gave me the desire to be a parent and that you will fulfill it and redeem me for my losses. For these losses are your gain. As I was a child, I thought, I am going to have many children because what better way to bring people to you than to birth them myself. I never thought I would do so by sending them directly into your arms, but I am so grateful that I had the opportunity to experience life inside me. I don't want to have many miscarriages and losses, but I want to fill your kingdom with your children. Help me to teach others about your goodness and grace and to show that you are the only way!!!!

Be with those who are pregnant and are worrying. Help them to know and be assured that you will sustain their pregnancies. Help those still trying that they are given new spirit each month. Help those who are still deciding to try to have courage and faith in you. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Month 13, Cycle 10, Day 29, 14 dpo = PREGNANT!!!!

Ok, today is CrAzY! I arrived at work to have a surprise goodbye party with my students. They were overwhelmingly awesome. I feel completely blessed to have worked with them these few years. I am sad to see them go.

Then I knew that my phone call was coming and I had asked my wonderful administrative assistant to send my call through to my classroom, even though we aren't supposed to. She graciously did and I was told that my Beta was positive, but was lower than what they had hoped. It was 15 mIu/mL hcG. That is a very small quantity that doesn't show up on pee tests yet. She said she was optimistic, but that I had to have another test done on Monday to say whether or not it was increasing and doubling like it should and then we could set up times for ultrasounds, etc. She asked me which pregnancy this was, I informed her, "my second." After other questions about the medicines I take, she gave me the pager number for the RE on call over the weekend and said to call if I have severe cramps or bleeding. I assume this means there is a good chance I could miscarry. From what I read, it could indicate ectopic, impending miscarriage or just early pregnancy. I am scared and excited at the same time. While waiting almost an entire year, to the date -- I stopped birth control June 20 last year -- I am so glad to see progress, so anyway this pregnancy goes, I am happy that it has happened.

Thank you, Jesus, for your sacrifice. You are awesome and I praise you because you have everything in your sight! Thank you for being the creator and author of life, and for blessing me, yet again with another baby. I pray desperately that you let him/her stay here with me to raise as my own and to teach them to love and honor you. I thank you for the doctor who you guided to give me the right meds and treatment. You are so good. Even when I have had negative tests. You have shown me to be patient and to offer myself to others in the midst of my journey. I thank you so much for your love, without which I am nothing. You greatness keeps me humble and appreciative of all you have created. I am in awe of you!!

I pray first for the readers who join me in the pregnancy journey. I ask you to give them your peace that passes all understanding and that you provide them with comfort and love that they have never known. For those who are still trying that you remind them that nothing is a mistake or out of your knowledge and perfect plan. It may seem like it is not fair, but it is so worth it. You alone, God, are the reason for living. Just being God is enough for us to praise you.

I pray for those who are still thinking about it, who have had losses, who are just seeing if they will eventually become pregnant. I ask that you give them courage to face their grief and to talk with their hubbies and doctors and take steps toward becoming who you have called them to be. It is by your grace alone that we are able to come directly to you and I thank you that you have given me the courage to boldly ask and pray for my heart's desires.

With a heart full of gratitude and a desire to give you all the glory in heaven and on earth...In Jesus' name I pray. AMEN!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Month 13, Cycle 10, Day 28, 13 dpo

Ok, I am so very nauseous today. I so hope it's pregnancy, because otherwise I have a bug coming and I don't want it!!!

I called my doc today as instructed and they faxed over an order for quantitative BhCG test to Bixby with a standing order. I went after school to get it done, so I will know in the morning. My pee tests today were negative, but, I don't really know.

Maybe? Maybe not? Just a waiting game. If not, then hopefully I can start my period soon and I can get the next cycle started already.

Thank you Lord for knowing everything even when I don't. I love that you provide everything that I need. Bless all who are reading. Amen.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Month 13, Cycle 10, Day 23, 8dpo

Today is eight days past ovulation and nine past my trigger shot. I am getting very anxious to test soon. So, last night, I went to the dollar store and bought 6 early pregnancy tests. The current thinking in the infertility community is that if you have an hCG trigger shot, you should test before all the hCG leaves your system, then keep testing daily until you have faint lines on your test and then a negative. Once you receive the negative test, then you know that the hCG from the trigger has left your system and then you may start testing for your TRUE hCG.

So, yesterday I peed in a cup and tested it and it was negative (on day 7 past ovulation) and now I can know that if I get a positive test, I am indeed pregnant, and not just remnants of the hCG. I know, complicated, right???

By the way, a nurse from the doctor called this week to tell me that if I don't have a period by Thursday, to call them and set up a blood test. If I get my period, I will start Femara on day 3-7, and then call for a day 14 ultrasound and trigger again. If I get a positive test, then call for a blood test and then schedule a week 6-7 ultrasound. So, I will be testing every day probably starting tomorrow. I am optimistic and excited to soon announce my 2nd pregnancy!

So, I awoke early this week and received an email from a friend who I met because she had been looking for infertility support. We have been emailing back and forth for several months now. Both of us were taking Clomid at one point and neither were successful at it. I finally opted out of Clomid, but she did not. Anyway, I received an email, dated 5:30am with an image of a POSITIVE PREGNANCY TEST! I was so excited and I am now happy to report that Megs is with child(ren), after 19 months of trying. Congratulations!!! It is well-deserved and will keep me on a high for at least a couple of months!

Father, thank you for my friends who have achieved pregnancy in the last year after I had been praying for them. I have seen some who were afraid to try, who are afraid to share, who are afraid of what is to come. I pray that those fears are released to you and that you provide them with peace. I thank you for those who are still trying or convincing their husbands to try again and ask that you soften her husband's heart. I pray that there will be an abundance of healthy babies to born soon! And the rest of us who are trying will see a positive test in the near future. I thank you that children are a gift from you and I ask that you be a plentiful giver to my friends and me! I love you more than I can say and praise you because you are perfectly wonderful. In Jesus' name, AMEN!

Friday, June 4, 2010

Month 13, Cycle 10, Day 16

Oh, I know you all have been waiting anxiously for an update (thanks for the emails). Things have been crazy-busy this week and I am finally rested enough to type. Here is the latest!!!

Day 14 Ultrasound: Shaun and I traveled to AA, early Thursday morning. I was thinking I had missed perfect timing, because I had a high temp the day before and thought Femara may have made me ovulate sooner than I have previously. But, when I arrived, here is what happened.

"Your endometrial lining is 8.4mm thick and it looks like your dominate follicle is on your right side, 22 mm." The young doctor commented as he positioned the sonogram screen for me to see black and white images that meant absolutely nothing to my untrained eye.
"I thought you said it was on my left last week," I questioned his judgment.
"Oh," he moved the transvaginal ultrasound around. "Thanks for keeping us honest -- your uterus rotated slightly and yes, it is your left ovary."
"What does that mean?"
"Your lining is great and your follicle is ready to release the egg. The rotation can be normal. This means we can give you the trigger shot of Ovidrel (hCG, the pregnancy hormone) and your should ovulate within 48 hours."
"So what is the plan for the month?" I asked to make sure I followed this RE's advice, instead of my previous doctor's plan.
"Intercourse today, tomorrow and Saturday and then wait until day 35 to test. No need for Prometrium as you have a nice thick lining and that will shed if you are not pregnant. So, if you have no other questions, I will let the nurse come in to give your injection."
I asked several questions that I won't bore you with here, and then he and the observant med student left the room.
A few minutes later, Dr. Will returned with a syringe in his hand. "The nurses are unavailable at this time, so I will give you your shot."
I stared at him with my eyebrows up. "You have practice with that thing???"
"Yes," he chuckled.
"Well, I am not so into needles and usually request the same nurse when I receive my allergy shots that I have had for 6 years. You sure you have practice?"
The med student couldn't contain her grin. Little did she know that I would flat our refuse if he suggested she do it. No sirree!!
"Yes," the doctor stated. "I have to do them on the weekends when the nurses aren't here and women's cycles correlate to the weekend. It is a small needle anyway. Go ahead and lie on the table and pull your shirt up to reveal your belly button."
"YOU ARE GONNA PUT THAT INTO MY BELLY BUTTON?" I questioned his statement, knowing full well he didn't mean that.
"No, but it needs to be injected into your belly near BY your belly button." He pulled out the needle and readied it to be injected while I lifted my shirt and lay down.
"Wai..wai...wait. Is there side effects of this? Does it hurt? Will I be nauseous? Are you..."
"Relax, I am going to count to three. One, two, three." The needle went in as I exhaled and a small pinch and ooze of serum I felt in my belly. Then it was done.
"Thanks," I told him. "Not so bad afterall," I said as my hubby shook his head in shame.
"So really I have to wait 21 days to test?"
"Well, if you don't have a period in 12 days, you can test." But if you get a negative and still don't have a period by day 35 then you can call us for meds to kick start your period. If you get a positive, you can call us and schedule a week 7-8 ultrasound to check for good pregnancy. If you get your period, call us and schedule your day 14 ultrasound and start Femara on day 3. Any other questions, go ahead and call as well."

I bet he was happy to see me get out of the office that day. I was happy he laughed with me instead of at me. Gotta have a sense of humor or this whole process is a cRaZiFiEd mess! Is that a word? hehe!

So, I got a positive on my ovulation predictor kit Friday, as well as a PEAK reading on my monitor. Then a high temp this morning. I am pretty sure I ovulated yesterday. Yippee!
Now onto the two week waiting period.

Father, thank you for my sense of humor in the midst of all this anxiety. Your the one who created laughter and I thank you that it truly is the best medicine. Asking you to bless my readers as they are traveling different journeys, but are interested to see You in mine. I pray that you continue to reveal yourself and allow the process to have others trust in you. You are worthy and holy and I honor and esteem your name, Jesus, in whose holy name I pray, AMEN!