Tuesday, November 30, 2010

hCG continues to fall

Just wanted to post for all of you that my beta hCG is still falling. On November 17, 2 days after I miscarried and the day before I had my surgery, it was 11,963. Last week, on November 23, it was 559 and today, November 30, it is 101!!!

The nurse told me that it is hard to know how long it will take to get to be zero, and for some it is 3 weeks and others it can take 3 months. So, I imagine that it should come down within the next two weeks. I am not worried about it and am so glad that it is declining rather quickly.

Tomorrow, Wednesday, I have an appointment with Dr. Randolph to discuss whether he thinks the miscarriages and Ethan's loss are related and whether we should do more testing and what the next step from here is. I have a lot of questions prepared and am ready to discuss. Plus, I am thinking that I want to try again, so hopefully these numbers fall quickly and we can get on with it already.

Father, thank you so much for your provision and love throughout these weeks. I pray that you continue to hold us up and give us strength to keep trying if it is your will, or to pursue other options if that is your will. Still praying for my friends who are expecting and worried about the health of themselves and their little ones. I pray that you keep them wrapped tight in your loving care. I pray for my other friends who are still trying to conceive that you fill them with a child soon. I pray for those who are making decisions to not try anymore that you give them peace about this and take away their desire to become parents again. And in the midst of all the baby making, I pray for the family of the 3 little boys in Morenci who are yet to be found. I pray for peace or triumph to come soon. In Jesus' name, AMEN.

Sunday, November 28, 2010


As the holiday season approaches, I am wondering with the miscarriage how I will react to it. In the past, when I have had loss after loss, I am continually reminded about what traditions I am not sharing with my kids, my mom and grandparents. I miss my family, and Christmas is taking on a whole different feeling. I am sad, yes, this year that once again I am not a mom. Once again, I do not have a mom. And once again, I have to endure someone else's plan and tradition for the holidays.

Growing up, I lived in a very matriarchal family. My grandmother moved in with us shortly after my grandfather died when I was 10 years old. Before then, we spent a lot of time at my grandparents house, and my grandma was the epitome of love. I don't ever remember her raising her voice or showing anger. I knew when she was mad, because she would say it straight to someone's face what she thought, but never with a loud voice. She hugged, kissed and read books to me and her other grandchildren. She smiled and always was happy to see us. Christmases were either at her house, or one of her daughter's homes and always included the extended family. When she moved in with us, I appreciated her so much because I never had a sister, so somehow, even though she was 53 years older than me, it felt as though I had a sister, someone to share my life with and teach me how to bake, cook, clean and be a young woman. My mom on the other hand, was a pistol! She enjoyed life completely and was every child in the neighborhood's friend, every niece and nephew she had loved her and she threw the best parties. My mother organized fundraisers for the community and prepared lemonade stands for the road side. She created relay races, bonfires, pin the tail on the donkey and all sorts of fun things to do with the kids. But, on Christmas, she went all out. We decorated the house, we baked cookies and pies and sang Christmas music all throughout the month of December. On Christmas Eve, my Uncle Dave and his kids came to visit us and we exchanged gifts. We each had a line in the 12 days of Christmas that mom required us to sing to, and we dressed up and knocked on doors in the neighborhood to sing Christmas carols to our neighbors. There were no inhibitions. She made life fun and then culminated the Christmas evening by sharing the true Christmas story as found in Luke of the Bible. My mother loved the Lord and sharing about who He was and how His grace was sufficient for her. We lived on government income at various times in our life, but no matter what she knew that God would provide her with her daily bread and still belted out "Oh, Holy Night" with such passion that you would have thought she was blessed beyond measure.

Even though when my grandma was 71, she accepted Christ on her deathbed, once my grandmother died December 21, 1998, my mom's enthusiasm for holidays waned. She learned she had cancer in 1999 and was in the hospital that Christmas after a severe reaction to the radiation and chemotherapy. She died in October of 2000.

That year, I desperately wanted to continue the zest and love for the season she possessed by hosting the holiday the same way she had always done. I tried but failed to match up. Each year since, I have just put aside the traditions and tried to assimilate to my husband's family's plan. While I love being with them and spending the holiday with my nieces and nephews, I lack the matriarchal family and zest my grandma and mom brought. And I just LONG for the day I get to have my own family and host my own traditions and bring up my children into a hope-filled, loving, joyous occasion where they know without a shadow of a doubt that Jesus Christ is Lord and He was born to save the lost and dying.

So, part of me is sad to miss my motherly figures. Part of me is sad to not yet be able to share with my kids about Who He IS!! And yet, I still have a great message to share with all of you, with my nieces and nephews and my family and friends, that the ONE who is name CHRIST is the ONE who came to save. He is God and I am in LOVE.

Father, thank you for allowing me to express some of my desire for female family relationship. Thank you for giving us Christ to save us from this broken world. I pray that you allow me the chance to have children and especially a daughter to pass on this enthusiasm and love for you. In Jesus' name, AMEN!

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Doing okay

Just wanted to post and let all of you know that I am doing okay today. I was able to go for a walk for the first time in a month. My energy is beginning to return, my boobs are deflating, and my bleeding is down to almost nothing. I had to have my beta hCG test today and will know tonight or tomorrow morning what the results of that are, so we can see if the numbers are decreasing. This is supposed to identify if they took out enough tissue and make sure that my body is returning to normal.

Last night, I came home from work at 11:30pm and Shaun was already in bed, as he had to be at the hospital for clinicals at 7:30am. I stepped in to see if he was awake and leaned over to kiss his forehead. He leaped over and wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed my belly and said "I'm sorry. I wanted this baby so badly. I hurt too. And I was bad. I bought Pringles and Oreos. It makes me feel better."

I chuckled a little and remembered that sometimes it takes men a longer time to experience emotion after an event. They tend to do things and then later on FEEL the effects. I feel bad that he has to go through this. But, if Pringles and Oreos make it better, then I will be buying him Pringles and Oreos. And since he suggested it made him feel better, then I decided to give it a try too!

Saturday, November 20, 2010


Today is Saturday. I saw my sweet little one pass out of me on Monday and on Thursday, I did the procedure to be sure the miscarriage didn't cause me any infection due to any unpassed tissue. I went to work Friday and did ok, but today was a different story. Shaun had to take off of his clinicals on Thursday to attend the surgery and so today was his make up day. He is at the hospital and I will soon have to go in to work at 3pm. And this morning, all I can do is sit and shake my head. I am dumbfounded by what has taken place over the last few months. Was this real? Did any of it happen?

And truthfully, I am shaking my head over and over again. This sucks. It just plain does. I hurt. I can't even begin to describe the disappointment I feel. Utterly and completely crushed. I know through my past experiences that I WILL feel whole again. I know that this deep longing and emptiness will not last forever. But, today in this moment, I am broken. Not by fear. Not by past situations. But, by knowing that my sweet child who only was able to flutter his heart for after a short 7 weeks, had to pass on. I miss this little one.

Father, thank you for the gift of feeling emotion. Thank you that you allow us to hurt so that we can help and comfort others who are hurting. I am reminded that you said, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Thanks for calling me blessed, but please attach a human feeling to it so I know within my marrow that I am blessed, because at times it feels like a curse. Help me to continue to see you in this and through this. In Jesus' name, AMEN!

Friday, November 19, 2010

Month 18, Cycle 15, Day 5 & Surgical details

Titling this post with another cycle is difficult. I can't believe that I have been trying for a year and a half without sufficient success. But, here we go again. This cycle is going to be completely natural. In the past that means it could take 90 days to get it going, if it comes at all. But, for now, I will do nothing by way of medication to control this cycle. I have a consultation with my fertility specialist on December 1, to discuss recurrent loss and questions that I have about the whole miscarriage thing. If any of you have significant questions, feel free to send them to me as I may not think of everything.

Shaun and I have talked and just feel like we need a break. At least get through the holidays without any medication. I feel sorry for him. I don't know about the rest of you who have had miscarriages, but for me the chemical pregnancy wasn't as devastating. I was just so excited after 1 year of trying that I was successful and knew that the clinic was the way to go. I didn't really grieve except when I couldn't get pregnant after that. But, this loss blindsided me. Shaun was so very excited about FINALLY becoming parents again and he invested his whole heart. It hurts knowing that my body continues to disappoint him. He tells me that he is just so happy that through all our losses that I have survived. Ethan's loss was so traumatic on my body and we just didn't know if I was gonna make it for weeks as my blood had trouble clotting. And so, even though it broke our hearts that Ethan died, we were just so very thankful that God spared my life. So, when it took 4 years for Shaun to finally feel safe enough to let me get pregnant again and both times have resulted in loss and because of our past trauma we were devastated by this loss, and yet the overwhelming fear that trauma was going to happen to me next was just too much. I have sobbed over both this loss and coming to grips with fear. And although I know that this grief journey is not over, I feel great to know that I am not in fear for my life since this surgery yesterday. So a break is definitely what we need.

But, I printed off a basal body temperature chart and reset my fertility monitor because really, we do not want to become pregnant this month. The doctor has asked us to at least wait until my beta hCG is at 0. I have to have weekly tests done to be sure that the pregnancy hormone is completely out of my body. If it doesn't go down, that can indicate that still I have tissue left and if I were to become pregnant this tissue could somehow cause problems for the other fetus, and we wouldn't be able to tell if the hCG is from the last pregnancy or the current one. So, doing the fertility monitor and charting my temp is really for family planning. We are restricted from intercourse for 2 weeks, but we have been restricted for several weeks before that, so as discretely as possible, you all know what I am thinking!!

Anyway. The surgery went off exactly as it was planned. I listened to my ipod filled with great worship music of the contemporary christian variety on the 45 minute ride from Adrian. We arrived in the office at 9am, and I wore my Tiny Purpose hoodie in memory of Ethan and Baby Plato. It felt good to be comforted and share with whoever saw it that my heart was right there. On a side note, when I ordered this hoodie a few months ago, I debated on adding the baby Plato as I said before that the chemical pregnancy wasn't as terrible of a loss, but now I am so thankful that I did just so I could honor this little one. None of the staff mentioned it to me, but EVERYONE in the office, doctors, medical assistants, nurses, receptionists, stood behind me at one time or another and if it got them talking around the office that day I wouldn't be surprised.

So, when I arrived in the waiting room the receptionist gave me a key to a locker and my hospital bracelet and I sat down doing a crossword puzzle. The doctor came out into the lobby to get some coffee and with a pouty lip, he asked, "are you ok?" I told him, "a little nervous, but so much better than yesterday." He smiled tenderly and said, "this will be all taken care of in just a few minutes, and I will make sure everything goes well." This was all in front of other patients. I didn't mind, but I sure felt bad for them. I don't know why they were there, and I don't know if they knew why I was there, but I still felt nervous for them. A few moments later, only enough time for me to solve 4 questions on my crossword puzzle, a medical assistant came out and had me give a weight and then we were in the changing room. Shaun got to wear a "marshmallow suit" as he called it. Basically a fibrous zip up suit that covered his enter body except his shoes and head and hands. On his head a surgical cap and on his feet surgical covers. I wore a hospital gown and cap and foot covers. We locked our things in a locker and I went into the treatment room. After being hooked up to heart monitors, pulse ox on my finger, blood pressure cuff and and IV, I decide one more set of wires from my ipod was too much. I had them playing contemporary christian music on Pandora. They covered me with LOTS of warm blankets and were so very kind. I kept reminding them of my medical history; c-section scar, uterine atony, DIC for 4 days after c-section, asthma, etc. They continued to remind me that this was so very much different than what I had gone through before but would remember what I had said.

Moments later, the medicine went in and a felt pushed back in this reclining chair. It calmed me and relaxed me so well and then they pushed it to table position and put my legs in stirrups. The medicine wasn't so strong that I don't remember anything, but it was strong enough that I couldn't keep my eyes open. I remember the needle to numb my cervix hurt. It was pinching and I could feel the pain inside me, and I yelled ouch a few times. Then that was over. I remember telling the staff that Shaun sometimes get queasy with blood and to watch him. He chuckled and said he was fine. I could hear everything around me but had to ask Shaun what happened later. He said it was a very long syringe that that had a plunger they pulled out and then they pressed a button to suck the tissue out. They had to empty it twice into a silver bowl full of saline. There was an abdominal ultrasound at the same time to make sure the didn't puncture anything and to be sure that they got all the tissue out. And then it was over. No need to dilate my cervix as the medication on Monday already had. And no metal curette was needed. They put my legs down and lifted my body back to a slightly higher elevation and the doctor touched my leg and said, "this is all over, everything went well, we will send this off to pathology and see if it shows us anything. I noticed that you have a consultation with me in two weeks, but the pathology will not be back by then. But, we can still talk. I feel confident that we know exactly how to get you pregnant, and it will happen for you. But, take this time to have a break, regroup and deal with this loss. I am sorry. But, everything went well. Good job." He said good job to Shaun and shook his hand. And, so recovery began. It took about 30 minutes for me to safely come to a seated position without feeling too dizzy. I got up and got dressed and came out to get discharge instructions and although I was really tired and a little dizzy, we walked out of the clinic by 10:45am.

I was so hungry and thirsty, that I couldn't wait to go home to eat. The doctor had suggested I get Panera Bread while I was in surgery. But, we saw Old Country Buffet and thought that was better. So, we ate. And then I slept most of the ride home, with my earbuds in praising my father for a successful surgery.

I slept off and on most of the afternoon and then I had energy. I hadn't had any energy in months. And so I cleaned. And then I got tired, and sat on the couch, and continued to clean and alternatively relaxed. About 5pm, I received a beautiful flower arrangement from Tiny Purpose. It was a little bunch of wildflowers set in a antique white box with a lid open. It was the size of two decks of cards next to one another but this box was exactly the color of the casket I laid my son Ethan to rest in. And looking at it, I would have been able to fit the gestational sac and fetus into this box. This is our baby's casket. So very fitting. For many of you, you may think this is morbid, but surprisingly, this brought so much comfort to me. I have very few tangible memories of this baby, so I will keep this box, and I will put the ultrasound pic of when this child had a heartbeat in it and this will be Baby Plato's keepsake treasure box. Thank you so much Tiny Purpose.

Father, thank you so much for keeping me safe yesterday and throughout the last few weeks. I pray that I can continue to keep my eyes on you and trust in your plan even when they don't seem to mesh with mine. I love you Lord and pray that my fervor to love and share you with my friends and family never ends. I praise you for a speedy recovery and help in the next few months as we figure out your plan for us. Thank you so much for our huge support system we have. Bless each one of them for their faithfulness in trusting in You. In Jesus' name, AMEN.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Pre surgery

I had the ultrasound today. Francie, the sweet ultrasound tech came in and did the scan. Instantly, I knew that there was no gestational sac in there, and she confirmed that she did not see anything and agreed that what had passed was indeed the sac. She took a lot of pictures and said she didn't see anything, but she wasn't the doctor, so she wasn't sure what they would do. My endometrium lining was 14 mm, and she suspected it was just blood. She took the pics to Dr. Randolph and came back in and said he would come talk to me about my options.

Dr. Randolph entered and said that if appears that I don't have all the tissue removed and we could do one of four things. 1. Wait and see if the tissue passes on its own over the next week, however there is risk of infection. 2. Take the Cytotec again, but my body still may not respond to it enough and then I would need to have a procedure. 3. Have the MVA (Manual Vacuum Aspiration) Procedure, a specific from of D&C, but small risks of infection and requires sedation. 4. General anesthesia operation at the hospital, more risk of bleeding, infection, anesthesia complications. I told him I wasn't sure what I wanted to do and he said he felt comfortable with any of the options. I let him know that my biggest fear was emergency bleeding or other health concerns for me. He said, well, we can tentatively schedule a surgery and then let you wait to see if it passes, but that gets tricky if there is an emergency and you would have to do the operation, which poses bigger risks of bleeding. He said, "I know, you being in the medical profession that you have some real concerns." I chuckled a little and told him I wasn't a med pro, but just research about things associated with my body. He said, yeah, but that kinda makes you a professional, you have a lot of medical knowledge and it shows. But, do what makes sense to you.

At this time, a nurse knocked on the door and asked for him. He shooed her away and said, "I'm talking with this patient." He was so patient with me and went over all the details and risks to each option. He told me that I did nothing wrong. He looked me in the eyes and said, "you are so strong for what you have both been through, I know it is tough and you don't think so, but you are." I asked Shaun what he thought and he adamantly refused for me to take the cytotec again and told the doctor that the longer this goes on the more anxious and fear it will bring for me, so he just wanted it out of me with the least complications as quick as possible. I had to agree with him. Even as anxious as I was with having the procedure.

So, I chose to do the MVA at 9:30am. The doctor reassured me and went over risks, but said, that he is required by law to share them with me, but if he thought for one second that I was going to have any of these complications he would not have me do it here in this office. He said, he has has patients where he has refused to do the procedures because of their high risk. I asked him, "even with my history with abruption, and bleeding out, and uterine atony, and whatever else?" He nodded confidently and said, "yes, even with your history. You will do fine."

The nurse came in to go over the specifics with me. I told her about my surgical anxiety and asked her to go over details with me. I will come in and have versed and Fentanyl and once I am comfortable the procedure will begin and it will take 5 minutes and then it is over and I can start to recover from the meds. Recovery should take 1/2 hour. I should be out of the office by 10:30-11:00am. Sounds like the versed will cause some amnesia, so I shouldn't remember much and I can have any kind of music I want playing on Pandora. So, Contemporary Christian. Anyone have a Contemporary Christian radio station on Pandora they like that I can request? I need some Worship music in the treatment room. Everything happens quickly and Shaun can be right there with me. I told her that I have low blood pressure, so she is making sure that I get fluids just in case it gets low. And, she said that this procedure is done on ladies all the time (probably with abortions) and those ladies don't use meds, so we will use just the minimum amount of meds to make me comfortable. But, she doesn't want me to endure any pain.

I got to see right where it will happen and it is in a reclining chair with stirrups, and they have a blanket warmer. So, I think it is the best possible scenario. I am scared, but I will do it to get it done.

However, doctor did say that if I pass the tissue tonight, which CAN happen, then they will do an ultrasound just before the procedure and if everything is passed by then, they will cancel it. I AM PRAYING that it all passes and I don't have to do it. But, if not, I pray that no matter what God is with me, that he won't allow harm to me, and that HE IS IN CONTROL.

Father, thank you for allowing me to pass the fetus and gestational sac on my own. I am grateful for having seen your creation at its core. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made and ask that you show how you are the Great Physician and you can heal my body. I pray that you allow me to pass the rest of the remaining tissue on my own, but if you choose not to, I pray that you allow the doctor to be guided by your hand, your love and your plan. Give me peace and rest over this night and I pray that you help me to not have fear or anxiety. You are holy and marvelous and I am begging to let your glory be shown above all else. In Jesus' name, AMEN!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Emotionally, as I miscarried

I woke up today after having woke up every 1-2 hours cramping and needing to use the restroom. But, I made it. Yesterday when it started I was so fearful. I was afraid of bleeding out, of seeing a live fetus, of rupturing my uterus through my c-section scar. And then I began shivering and fevering, and then I feared surgery and death. I was afraid to eat because if I had to have surgery, then I could aspirate vomit, and I was afraid of the pain.

And then my fear turned into peace. I prayed and God comforted. I started to cramp and all I could think was to write some of my thoughts and prayers here. My hubby stayed pretty busy, I think he just didn't know what to do for me.

And then I passed it. What a relief. I thought that was what it was, but in my fear, I wondered if it was a huge blood clot or a piece of my uterus. I blogged about it hear and chatted with a friend on facebook who had similar losses. She assured me that what was happening was normal and likely what I was seeing was the gestational sac. That knowledge brought me more peace. Finally, I thought, this was behind me, the labor-like cramps would cease soon and I could relax. But, as I was chatting with her, I began to cramp again. And thinking I had to have a bowel movement, I used the toilet and a loud PLOP! My sweet hubby heard this and turned to me and said, "Oh no, are you ok? Did it happen again?" I was bleeding pretty heavily at this time and started to get a little nervous, thinking these were now, clots as surely there wouldn't be two! But, we checked and it was another sac like thing that had a white-looking something embedded in it. We breathed a sigh of relief and Shaun was certain that it was over. "That's the baby," he said. I told him I wanted to call the doctor because I wasn't sure, and he asked, "are you bleeding through a pad a hour? Are you in writhing pain? Do you have seizures or uncontrollable shaking? Fever? Then, no, you don't need to call the doctor and this has passed." He was right. And so we flushed. Not saving these products of conception because it had been contaminated by the toilet water.

I felt relieved, especially since I only needed 1-600mg Motrin and no need for vicodin. I feel no more anxiety and I feel ok. At different times last week before I had the final ultrasound to determine no progress, I broke down and cried hard, pleading with God to take this from me. I have started the grieving before the physical loss had begun. I know from past experience that in time I will feel pain, I will feel loss and I will feel empty. But, today, right now, I feel relieved to have the worst of it over. I feel ok.

Thank you to all of you for your kind words, your thoughts, prayers and love. I appreciate it more than you know and it has somewhat made up for not having my mother here to go through it with me. I love you and will continue to blog about where God is taking me. Today he is taking me through the Psalms...
Psalm 128
A song of ascents.

1 Blessed are all who fear the LORD,
who walk in obedience to him.
2 You will eat the fruit of your labor;
blessings and prosperity will be yours.
3 Your wife will be like a fruitful vine
within your house;
your children will be like olive shoots
around your table.
4 Yes, this will be the blessing
for the man who fears the LORD.

5 May the LORD bless you from Zion;
may you see the prosperity of Jerusalem
all the days of your life.
6 May you live to see your children’s children—
peace be on Israel.

Father, I pray that you allow me to live to see and help raise my children's children. Thank you for letting this process go quickly and relatively painlessly. I praise you because you are so involved in the details of everything and looking at the sac I am reminded about these details. Your perfection astounds me and I am in awe of your creation. Please help Shaun and I to grieve sufficiently and to in time come to understand what the reason is for all this loss in our lives. Help us to determine what plans you have for us and give us a clearly defined course for us to follow to raise children. You alone have the answers and I pray that you continue to bless me with great friends, awesome family and a positive spirit. I know that without You in my life I would not be capable of enduring this tragedy so peacefully. It is You who brings me peace and I pray that you infiltrate the lives of those who read. In Jesus' name, AMEN!

Monday, November 15, 2010

Cytotec induced miscarriage


I took the pills at 3pm, after I got out of work. I have the next three days off so I just planned to get this taken care of and not return to work until Friday at 3pm. I had to take these 4 nasty pills and put them on the inside of my mouth, between my gums and cheek and let them dissolve for 1/2 hour. This is supposed to decrease the chances of gastrointestinal upset. Anyway, one hour after the pills were in my mouth, I spiked a low grade temperature, 100.0. I called my doctor as I was supposed to report any signs/symptoms of infection. Not only did I have this temp, but my body was shaking uncontrollably. I was so afraid that I had an infection. I waited and waited but the doctor didn't return my call. About 6:45pm, I went to use the restroom and had a little bit of red streaking, and little cramping. Shortly after, the doctor returned my call and told me that low grade temps are sometimes a side effect of the medication and not to worry unless it is over 101. Then I should call him immediately. I told him I was worried since it had been a few hours since he called. He assured me that if I call him anytime from here on out, he will answer. He went over several different scenarios in which I would call, if I bleed through a pad in an hour or two, if I have extreme pain instead of cramping, if I have a fever over 101, if I get the chills, etc. He then asked if I had taken any motrin. I told him no as I didn't want to take medicine and the pain was bearable. He encouraged me strongly to take the motrin 600 as the cramping was about to get much worse and if I medicate before it happens, then it won't be as bad. I thanked him for calling and hung up.

I reluctantly decided to take the motrin and moments later I began cramping so much I had to breathe through it. It feels like early labor, cramping in front and lower back pain. I then had to use the restroom again and am now bleeding bright red with dime sized clots. I sure don't like this pain, but I remembered that I had planned to deliver Ethan vaginally and naturally and have a whole slew of relaxation techniques and lamaze type breathing exercises to decrease the pain. I remember that I labored from 10am until 4am with no medication, just breathing and relaxing. I can do this, I tell myself. But, this time, there is no prospect of reward at the end. This time, I will not hold a sweet smelling infant in my arms. This time, I will potentially only see gray hamburger consistency matter that is supposed to have been my child. I am supposed to attempt to catch it in a sterile cup. I am supposed to endure all this with one goal in mind, to dispel the fetus that I so desperately hoped would become my first born living child.

Father, thank you for allowing the cytotec to work and for me to begin bleeding promptly. Thank you for allowing my bosses to give me the time off of work and to be supportive, even though I don't have the sick time to take off. Thank you for amazing friends and family members who support me no matter what the events are happening in our lives. Thank you for the emails they send, the prayers they pray and the calls they make. It makes this process less lonely. Thank you for allowing me to remember good memories of my mother when I miss her so terribly. I pray that you allow this miscarriage to pass quickly, completely and as painless as possible. You know the plans you have for me. Plans to prosper me and not to HARM me, plans to give me hope and a future, according to Jeremiah. Father, keep your promises that you will give me hope, a future and that you will heal my brokenheart. In Jesus' name, AMEN!

Friday, November 12, 2010

Sad day

Today we saw our pregnancy fading away. Two weeks ago, I saw a slightly underdeveloped pea sized fetus with a heartbeat of 120. Last week, we saw little growth and no heartbeat. This morning, we saw the yolk sac that was breaking up and no fetus or heart. This is what is called in the medical field, a missed abortion. My baby did not develop after the 6-7th week and my body is not expelling it as of yet, two or three weeks later.

Here is the plan. I work throughout the weekend, so if I don't miscarry on my own by Monday night, then I will take Cytotec which will open my cervix and I should start to bleed within 2-3 hours. If this does not induce the miscarriage, then the next day I will take it again and hope that it works. If it does work, then I should bleed and cramp heavily for 5-6 hours and have a period like bleed after that. If it doesn't work, then I will need to have a MVA procedure to remove the products of conception.

Please pray that I will miscarry naturally or via medication as I do NOT want to have this procedure done. It is too much like doing an abortion and I can't have that on my conscience with everything else that is going on.

I asked about recurrent loss and the doctor wants me to come in to talk to my primary RE and possibly have a workup on genetic karotypes to see if that is what is causing all my losses. I haven't decided as of now what we will do. I don't know if I can take another loss. Today, I hurt. It feels like it is too much. I fear bleeding to death again. The doctor assured me that the amount of blood loss will be nowhere near the amount that I had during my pregnancy with a placental abruption. But, just to make me feel better, he gave me his personal cell phone number so I can call him at any time I feel scared or worried about what is happening.

Does anyone have any details to past miscarriage stories that can help me know what to expect? Please share them here, or send them privately to my email...srplato@yahoo.com. I am scared to death about what will happen from here.

Father, today I feel so let down. Today I feel betrayed. I know that you don't show your love only through blessing but I have to say that because I do not have children that you call a reward, I feel like you are withholding your blessing from me. I pray that you change my heart and give me the opportunity to love, raise and hold a child of my own. Or change my heart about having a family. This heartache is just too much. Father, Psalm 126:5-6 says "those who sow in tears will reap with shouts of joy. Though one goes along weeping, carrying the bag of seed, he will surely come back with shouts of joy carrying his sheaves." Lord, you have allowed me to carry 3 seeds. Allow me soon to bring home the harvest of sheaves. In Jesus' name, AMEN!

Monday, November 8, 2010

My blog-friend's video

Here is a video about infertility and loss that I associate with 100%. Please take the time to view it, it lasts about 8 minutes. I hope that you are richly blessed by her testimony.

Father, Thank you for the use of the internet to connect women together. I pray that you continue to teach us that you have not withheld your blessing from us, but instead that you bless us through each other daily. In Jesus' name, AMEN!

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Where I have come from

This is a letter I wrote to our family, friends, and prayer warriors July 27, 2009! I wanted to remind myself of my purpose in pursuing this pregnancy during such a trying time. Let me remind all of you the journey I have been on for the last 1.5 years and all total through the last 5 years. The theme is still GOD IS SO GOOD!! I am praying that God allows me to carry this baby (because I know He is able to allow it), but if not, I know that this was meant to be for this timing and His purposes. Keep believing that He is Good!

Dear Friends,
Shaun and I are trying to become parents, again! We are ridiculously excited about how far God has brought us in the last 3.5 years and want to include you in our journey! Since our son, Ethan, was born and died January 14 -- January 19, 2006, we have been waiting on full healing and for God's timing to try again. I wasn't sure for many years if I would be emotionally strong enough to endure it again and whether I could take the risk of losing my or another child's life. Shaun has been resistant to anything that might bring about risk until recently. But, we have come to a place now where we are no longer fearing another pregnancy, we are feeling God's leading in going forward, and we are incorporating ministry into this process.

As difficult as it was to decide to try again, we understand how difficult it is for others who have lost a child and want to try again as well. So, I find it fascinating that God laid it on my heart to be transparent and share my journey via blog so others may find healing and strength to continue. I suggested this to Tiny Purpose (the organization who provide group meetings to women who have had similar losses, so they will know that they are not alone in their grief and that their crazy thoughts are not in fact so crazy!), and we prayed if this would be something that would be beneficial. At the next group meeting, almost all the members were either pregnant again or trying to be pregnant again. We felt that this is exactly what is needed during this season, so the blog began.

I cannot tell you where God will take me. I cannot tell you for sure if He will allow me to experience similar loss again. I just know that I must be obedient and hopefully through my transparency, I will help others in their healing to see God for who He is and at the same time share with all of you what He is doing in my life. If we are allowed to be infertile, that will benefit others via blog. If we are allowed to miscarry, that will benefit others via blog. If we are allowed to have a healthy child born free from any complications, that will help others via blog. Plus, the blog will provide you, my group of prayer warriors, the knowledge to know where we are each day and what it is to pray for at whatever time. I thank all of you for your prayers to date and for the prayers yet to come. May He bless you richly for your faithfulness!

Anyway, the blog address is http://sunshine-thejourney.blogspot.com/ . I am hopeful that those of you on the same journey will be blessed and those of you who are just along for the ride are blessed as well! I ask one thing in defense of my sisters who are hurting out there, please be aware of your comments to my posts that they are sensitive to moms who have just had losses and may never have another pregnancy. This blog is not intended to brag about me, but rather to brag about the amazing God we serve.

You can HELP us in this journey. We are asking that you join us in prayer for God's will for our future. If that includes children (which we think it will) we ask that you pray for God's will over the timing, the circumstances and the outcomes. We know better that our God is in control of all things and we just want to do as He asks us to and on his timing. You can send positive thoughts our way. You can check in on the blog as often as you like and if you have to comment about personal things, please send to my email instead of on the blog. If it is something that will benefit all readers of the blog, please feel free to comment directly on the blog. You can pass this around to anyone you think will pray for us or anyone who are planning a subsequent pregnancy after loss. Please just try to remember that although we are excited, we are also apprehensive about causing anyone else any more pain.

Thank you again for your time and fervent prayers in the previous and next seasons of our lives. We are grateful for everyone of you!

Sunshine and Shaun

Friday, November 5, 2010

Fetal Pole?

My husband and I went to have my ultrasound this morning. It was a followup to my inconclusive ultrasound last week. I am utterly overwhelmed with emotion right now, it is so difficult to put into words what I am feeling...

The tech was able to see the gestational sac clearly. "Here is the gestational sac inside of your uterus and here is a yolk sac. And there may be a second yolk sac here, but I am not seeing a fetal pole." She called the doctor in. In my head, I am thinking haphazardly, "I remember that we had trouble seeing the fetal pole last week, and I cannot believe there may be two!"

The doctor came in and she also saw the same thing as the tech. The sac should be measuring 7weeks, 5 days, but instead measured 7 weeks, 0 days. She kept pointing to different spots where they thought that they could see a heartbeat and continued to doppler it and try to find it. Each attempt futile in its efforts.

After 20 minutes of searching, they told my husband and myself that I may be miscarrying, since they were able to see a fetus last week and now are unable, but they didn't want to say the pregnancy was over at this point. For now, it is a wait and see. We will come back next Friday to have another ultrasound unless I have bleeding or pain before then, and then I can come in earlier than that. Francie again hugged me and said she was sorry and walked out of the room.

I cried hard. My hubby wrapped his arms around me and I just told him to let go. I don't want to admit that I am losing this baby, but can't imagine everything being ok, either. I am conflicted. I am searching a site called www.misdiagnosedmiscarriage.com hoping I can find some hope.

Father, I thank you again for allowing me to conceive another one of your children. I pray that you continue to bless this pregnancy and our marriage. Give us strength to endure whatever it is you have in store for us, whether it be managing this pregnancy for 7 more months or dealing with a miscarriage. I pray that you allow us to be healthy. In Jesus' name, AMEN!