Monday, July 20, 2009

The Journey begins!

So this is a blog about a journey. Appropriately titled, as it has been a LONG treacherous journey indeed. But in looking forward, the new journey is about to begin!

Four and one half years ago I was pregnant with my first son. I knew what a blessing he was the moment I found out about him. I was delighted to be his mother and that journey began. On January 14, 2006, he was ready to be born, but several complications occurred that ushered in the end of his journey. Ethan was born at 6:34 am by cesarean section and was born without breathing. He spent 5 days on a respirator and in the NICU until it was determined he was not going to make it any longer. His father and I had to decide to remove him from life support. He died at 11:25pm January 19, 2006. For Ethan's and my full story, please go to

The road thereafter has been trying, to put it lightly. I was so sick during Ethan's life. I lost massive amounts of blood and didn't recover well from surgery. It was a scary five days for both Ethan and myself. My husband was worried he would lose us both. Thankfully, I survived. Traumatized, physically and emotionally, but with God's grace and provision, I survived.

I was encouraged to wait 2 years before pursuing a 2nd pregnancy. My doctor was concerned that recurrence was likely. She forwarded me a scholarly journal which supported her advice to wait two years and so my husband and I agreed. It was tough to say goodbye to motherhood for at least two years, but we knew we had some major grief work to do.

The next two years were brutal. But, being type A as I am, I was determined to work it through til the end. We did counseling and talked about our son. We struggled through nine other pregnancies and healthy births in our siblings' families. We celebrated their lives and mourned the life we thought we would have.

After the two years had passed, my hubby and I were still afraid of the complications of pregnancy. We had seriously considered never having children. We didn't even want to entertain the thought of adoption, either. But, we instead chose to see a perinatalogist who could review the two inch stack of medical records and help us determine what our next course of action should be. In April 2008, two years after Ethan was born and died, we met with Dr. B. and he told us that our chances of the same thing happening were no more great than it was the first pregnancy. Somehow, at that moment in time, it was just not enough for us to try again. We decided to do monthly check in's with each other to see if it was time to get off the pill. Every month ended the same way...not yet.

In June 2009, I asked my husband the normal question, "do you think it is time to get off birth control?"
"Umm, maybe, I don't know." he stuttered.
"Well, I think I am ready." I told him with a smile.
"But, I am unemployed and just started school. Do you really think it is a good time?"
"But, I have great medical insurance and maternity leave at my new job and you will receive unemployment while you are in school." I tried to convince him.
"But, we aren't getting along as well as what we used to."
"But, it is getting better!"
"Well, ok, let's get pregnant!"

Whoa! I thought as I had had this very conversation for several months now, and it never ended like this! I was ecstatic. This was the first time I had thought about another pregnancy without fear or dread. This was the first time we decided to try without mourning our firstborn. This was the first time I didn't feel the tug of the Holy Spirit trying to tell me it was not the right time. I believe this is God's perfect timing for us and we are excited to share this journey with you. Please pray for us as we are starting our family again!

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