Monday, October 26, 2009

Update about Doctor appointment

I visited my doctor to discuss the obvious lack of ovulation I have. She ordered lots of blood work. I will have all hormone levels tested, fasting blood sugar and fasting cholesterol and others taken tomorrow morning. She doesn't think it is PCOS because I don't fit the appearance profile. But, I may have a mild case. She said there are 3 main reasons for not having a period: Stress, PCOS, or early menopause. Depending on the pattern between the hormones, she will be able to indicate which is most likely. She is also testing for other rare reasons, like thyroid function, cancers, etc. She will call me tomorrow with results of pregnancy test and if not pregnant, I will do another Provera round (5 days of progesterone) in order to induce a withdrawal bleed. Then I will have a follow up appointment next Monday to discuss the results of the tests and see the options I have from there. If there is nothing seriously wrong then I have choices on the best way to become pregnant...

Do I let nature take its course? Or do I try fertility drugs, like Clomid? Vote here!

Father, Thank you for modern medicine and the ability to make informed decisions. I thank you for you being in control of all things and praise you for who you are! Be with my sisters who are also on this infertility journey that they find hope in You. In Jesus' name, Amen!

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Day 61, 2nd cycle?

So, here's the update...

Still no period. Still no sign of ovulation in charting my temps or period. Took a pregnancy test today, just in case. Of course it was negative.

I have a doctor appointment on Monday. It is a discussion appointment. I will be asking why I am not having a period and hope that tests will be ordered for a real understanding of what is going on. Then I will ask about various options I have regarding my next steps. I am not sure what else to say. Any ideas? Any suggestions for questions? Reply please!

Father, be the One who calms my fears and help me to receive the information you will provide through my doctor. Help her to focus on me and my situation and not be a stoic clinician. Thank you for your love and grace through these months. I pray that the answer to why I am not ovulating is that it is just not your perfect timing, and NOT a serious disease. I want your will, Lord, and pray for your revelation at your timing. In Jesus' name, Amen... Also, be with my friends who are still grieving their own losses and help them to find peace through you.

Sunday, October 11, 2009


Those of you who know me, know that I have experienced lots of loss in my twenties. My mom died when I was 20, my mother-in-law at 23, and my son, Ethan, at 26. These are only the major family deaths I have endured, not to mention the other losses of relationships, dreams, homes, jobs, etc. Anyway, now at 29 I am experiencing a new kind of loss -- infertility.

I cannot really call it infertility, I suppose, as I haven't actually been diagnosed. Nor have I been actively trying to conceive for a year or more. But, I am not ovulating and that trumps the trying. I cannot really confront this loss as a total loss, but as a temporary set back. I feel a bit out of touch. I feel unsure about all my dreams of raising a christian family. It just simply stinks that my sole intention for marriage was to have children, abundantly. And, here I am 7 years post wedding, and no physical children to show for it.
Yes, I know as many will say, I am still young. I have plenty of opportunity to create a family. "Why not consider adoption?" you will ask. "What about other options? In Vitro? Embryo transfer? Surrogacy? Fostering?"

Do you really think I have not thought about these options? Do you think that maybe if you suggest it somehow I might say, "yes, that is the answer. I have been waiting for someone to tell me that all along."

Truly, this road is so much more complex than finding the answer of how am I going to get a baby. Consider these scenarios related to their own various concerns:
Suppose I were able to get pregnant on my own --> miscarriage, stillbirth, complications, fetal or maternal death, etc.
Suppose I were to have infertility treatments (clomid, hormones, in vitro, embryo transfer) to get pregnant --> costs of treatments not covered by insurance, dilemma if I am "playing God", and all the pregnancy variables stated above.
Suppose I were to adopt --> cost not covered by insurance, risk of mother changing her mind, potential inability to bond with child, hubby would only like to adopt if all other options are completely unrealistic.
Suppose I were to foster --> cost of evaluations, risks of multiple losses and inability to protect child from future harm,
Suppose I were to have someone else carry and deliver my embryo --> cost not covered by insurance, is this moral?, will the surrogate want to give child back?

No mention in this list about my current dilemma which is the economy has threatened my job. I have a 50% chance to believe I will not be employed after July next year and will no longer have health insurance. My hubby's unemployment benefits will be exhausted then as well. I try to keep this as the last reason for not trying to get pregnant, but it weighs heavily on my mind.

So, I wait. I plan on calling a doctor on Monday about my not having a period on my own for a check up to see if it may be a serious condition. But, I am not sure about discussing further options. We will see.

In the meantime, last night I grieved. I grieved my mom and MIL's untimely deaths, and lamented over my son who had no chance to even breathe on his own. I grieved the loss of my dreams -- to raise a christian family. I wanted my children to spend their lives living a traditional way -- with grandmothers who doted on them and showed them love beyond anything anyone else can give them. I grieved having the chance to take my would be 3 year old son to halloween activities and other community festivals. I grieved my son being able look forward to his mother bringing him a baby from her belly to meet him in 9 months. I grieved fertility which equals youth in my brain. I feel so old. So out of touch. I grieve... I have done much grieving over my son's death in the three and a half years but only with the expectation that I would be able to have more children. I now wonder if that will ever happen.

Father, thank you again for allowing me to share my story. I know that in all things, you work together for the good of those who love you. I am no less committed to you when I grieve and I thank you that you allow me this human ability to love despite that it sometimes results in loss. You are holy and worthy and I love you more deeply when I know that you are in control. I pray for my sisters who are hurting that they are blessed in similar ways and that they see you in all their circumstances. I pray for your timing, your will, and your direction as I try to make sense of it all. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Day 46, Cycle 2

I know it has been a really long time since I last posted. But, no significant changes happening here. On Cycle Day 46 of Cycle 2 after taking my last active birth control pill on June 20, 2009. The last "period" I had was drug induced due to what I consider to be an anovulatory (without ovulation) cycle. It was 63 days long. So, all in all, I have been waiting for ovulation for 112 days or almost 4 months. Kinda hard to be trying to get pregnant when chances are slim to none that it will happen even if I am "trying". It is truly irritating. During this 2nd cycle I decided to chart my temps, cervical fluids, and use a fertility monitor. It asked me to test for 20 days straight from day 9 and never detected any rise in hormones. I continue to monitor my temps and they are pretty well the same right around 97.6 every day! No real hormonal mood swings. Nothing. I decided to take a pregnancy test anyway, just for fun, this morning, even though I knew what it would say: Negative. Irritating.

So, I consider calling the doctor. I don't know if I should switch doctors or not. Maybe I should see a reproductive endocrinologist, someone who treats infertility? Or should I go see my pre chosen high risk obstetrician? Or should I just continue to monitor and wait it out? Too many questions. I don't really want to take the medroxyprogesterone pills to induce a period again because it didn't seem to work last time. I continue to pray.

Father, you are holy and without blame. Thank you for the gift of knowledge you have given to us. Thank you that you are truly a God who loves when your children are irritated with unanswered prayers. I ask you Lord that you lead me in the decisions that will best show your glory to the world. I know your ways are better than mine and I just continue to pray for your will, not mine. Bless those who are reading this for whatever reason they choose. Let them see you in the midst of this. In Jesus' name, Amen.