Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Negative on Day 29

Today is CD 29. I know that I should have my period today if I were still on birth control. It was clockwork...by noon I would start. But, in this first month off of birth control pills, I don't know what to expect. I decided to test this morning, because hubby is convinced I am pregnant. Also, after the small amount of bleeding last Tuesday, that I figured must have been implantation, I thought for sure I would get a positive test. I researched pregnancy tests online and found that the Equate brand from Wal*Mart was inexpensive, but the most accurate of all the tests on the market. It can detect 20 mIU of hCG, where e.p.t. detects at 50 mIU. So I bought the three pack at $10 and tested last Saturday, with a negative result and then it says to test 3 days later until I get my period or get a positive result. Well, today, it was negative. I am bummed, but I don't consider that NOT pregnant, just I don't know for sure, yet.

I am reading a book about those of us who are trying for a subsequent pregnancy after a loss. It is by Ann Douglas and John R. Sussman, M.D., and titled, Trying Again: A Guide to Pregnancy After Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Infant Loss. In Chapter 7, "If there's one word that bereaved mothers frequently use to describe their desire to become pregnant again, it's 'obsession,'" it says. This is 100% what I feel. I am obsessed with getting pregnant, and finding out and going through the motions to make a healthy child appear on the other side of this calendar. I have waited 3 and one half years to DECIDE to try to get pregnant. I don't want to wait just as long to actually get pregnant. So, I am obsessed. I have never been known to have fertility issues, and yet I think like someone who has. I am charting my temps, my cervical fluid and postition, making sure I am baby dancing on the right calendar days, fluffing a pillow under my bum to let the little guys swim afterward!! It seems insane, but I don't want to wait, I just want to get it going.

This same book lists the odds of conceiving in any cycle as 10-25% depending on age. For my age, late 20's, it says I have a 15-20% chance of conceiving in any given month if I baby dance regularly, and the average length of time it will take me to get pregnant is 5-7 months! WOW! I cannot imagine the frustration it must feel to spend that long trying to conceive, let alone those who are trying for years. But, I will endure whatever the Lord allows for however long He lets it. At this point, I still feel this is the right time for us, and I will continue to try!

Lord, I pray for those women who are infertile for various reasons. I ask that you give them wisdom and strength to do what you are asking them to do and I ask that you make your love for them tangible and real. I pray that if it is not in your plan for them to have a child again, that you take the desire away from them and that you give them a peace about it that surpasses all comprehension!

I also pray, Lord, that you reveal to me what is in store for me. I ask you to bless me as your will allows and let me do your work in the meantime. I praise you, Father, for you are in control of everything and you know all the plans you have for me and my little ones! Thank you that I can come to you at any time and be who I am without fear of repercussion, because you are a God who loves me enough to let YOUR SON die for me. Give me a spirit of peace and patience as I wait for the positive test and not a spirit of obsession. In Jesus' name, AMEN

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