Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Month 11, Cycle 9, Day 3

Had my doctor appointment. I didn't see the doctor by her midwife. I talked to her about my vision stuff and she said that doesn't sound good. So she talked to Dr. G and she told me to take this month off and go to my appointment on Wednesday and if my vision is still bothersome to go to the eye doctor. So, I guess I am done with Dr. G for now :(. I will be on day 9-10 of my cycle when I see him on Wednesday, so who knows what will happen. I don't know what is covered under my insurance. I know for sure that IVF is not, and anything that happens the day I do IVF. So, I am supposed to call the insurance company when I get procedure codes for the tests or procedures and then they will tell me if they will cover it or not. I will not be doing IVF unless someone else out there has $10000 to give me. And then I might just take it.

So, I wonder if I will ovulate on my own this month. Should happen sometime before May 15. If not, I am sure my new doc and I can come up with a plan.

Father, Thank you once more for your faithfulness. I trust you. In Jesus' name, AMEN!

Monday, April 26, 2010

Month 11, Cycle 9, Day 1

Aunt Flo is here. No baby this month.

Check up with the doctor on Wednesday. We will discuss my vision issues, my irritability and other stresses and then we will discuss my fertility appointment for the following Wednesday. I am pretty certain she won't talk me into Clomid again after the effects, but anything could happen.

Here's hoping that I hear some good news regarding a baby in one form or another in the next few months. This is getting to be ridiculous.

Father, I am trying to be patient, but sadly I am not. Help me to wait on you and your timing. In Jesus' name, AMEN!

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Month 11, Cycle 8, Day 32, 14 dpo

BFN again...

no spotting this morning, and temp is 98.3, .6 over coverline. I sure don't know what is going on except, I expect period today or tomorrow. My chart matches almost perfectly to the day of last month.

I am grieving. Again. On Friday I found out that I will no longer have my LISD job as of June 22. Bummer. I feel like I am losing a family. My classroom students are like my kids and it seems so unfair. I feel like a parent who is being ripped away from her kids for no reason. Trying to find other employment...I have an interview on Tuesday. The hours stink, the stress is tough and no summer vacation. But, it is employment, so I will try. Hubby is going to go to school and graduate and get a good job in 2 years. Of this I am sure, but I am getting so old. If I wait another two years I will be 32. The chances of getting pregnant significantly decrease in your thirties, so looks like I am not doing well. Plus, in researching adoption agencies, I have found it will cost $10000 in fees and usually those who are in financial crisis are often turned down. I will have medical insurance until August 31, so I am going to do my best to figure everything out before then. Maybe some treatments will be covered, like IUI.

And yet, I am grieving. Fertility. Youth. Employment. Livelihood. Middle Class. Dreams.

So many people I know are pregnant and or have just had a baby after trying at the same time as me. Why oh why can't I?

Father, I am trying hard to trust you but I am feeling so let down. I pray that you will forgive me for my jealousy and for my inability to love others. I desperately want to be a mom and be able to provide for my children. Please allow me that opportunity soon. Please give me the desires of my heart.

I pray for those who are pregnant or have newborns. I pray that they have relatively few complications and experience pure joy in their children and children to be. Please love them and let them know that you are the giver of gifts and author of life. I pray that you are the one they turn to when they count how blessed they are. In Jesus' name, AMEN!

Friday, April 23, 2010

Month 11, Cycle 8, Day 30, 12 dpo


I spotted a little last night before bed. Still it is too early to know for sure, but I think I am out this month. I will continue to test each day if I haven't had my period, but I am not optimistic.

Planning for my fertility specialist appointment on May 5. Thank you for those who are following. I hope that you are gaining something from this journey.

Father, thank you again for all you are. Thank you that you allow so many people the opportunity to have children when generations past they would be barren, forever. Thank you that you continue to provide for me and for those out there who are reading. The sorrows may last for the night, but JOY comes in the morning. I praise you and rejoice that you have allowed me to be transparent with people and given me the medium to express myself. You are wonderful and I hope and pray that you continue to remind me that you are God and I am not! Father, I pray wholeheartedly for my pregnant after loss friends -- hold them when they are scared, be with them when they worry, protect their little ones to be sure they receive a blessing that lives on this earth in the due time. I pray only for your will. In Jesus' name, AMEN.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Month 11, Cycle 8, Day 29, 11 dpo

So, my temp dipped a little this morning -- 98.1, but it is still above my pre-ovulation temps. I should start my period Sunday or Monday. I am trying to hold out on testing until Saturday, but I went to the dollar store for 3 tests today. Maybe I will test tomorrow morning. I think there is like a 60% chance of getting a positive if I am in fact pregnant.

The two week wait is TORTURE! When I have been wanting a child for over 6 years and have actively tried for about a year, waiting 3 more days to test seems like sooooooooooooooo long. I can't concentrate on much else. Seems like even when there is other things I could be worrying about, I continue to focus my attention on my pregnancy like symptoms. Cramping could just be a sign of period coming, but today it means I am pregnant, I tell myself. The craziness continues.

Father, help me keep my sanity in the midst of all the drama with trying to conceive and the other societal pressures out there! In Jesus' name, AMEN!

Monday, April 12, 2010

Month 11, Cycle 8, Day 19

My temperature rose from 97.1 to 98.1 today! Looks like yesterday was probably ovulation day. Have to have two more days of higher than 97.7 temps to accurately prove this theory. We timed everything so well. Praying hard that this is the month! The Lord is faithful. I believe Him.

So, 14 days until I should begin my period or in which I find out I'm pregnant. If I am, then I would be due January 2, 2011! Which would make my c-section right before Christmas. What a wonderful Christmas present that will be.

Father, I pray desperately that you bless me with a child this month. You know how much it would be appreciated. My husband and I are looking for your redemption of our loss 4 years ago. We are waiting with anticipation for the day we bring home our healthy baby. As we prayed last night, if it is not too much trouble, two would be nice as well! But, I pray for your will, Lord. Give us what we desire. I also am praying for those who are reading that whatever ails them or gives them grief, that you heal them and fill them with your love. In Jesus' name, AMEN!

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Month 11, Cycle 8, Day 17

PEAKED today!! This monitor is on fire! Two months in a row I peaked! Both on day 17! So I should ovulate today or tomorrow. Good! I have been timing the deed every day this week starting on Monday, so there are plenty of sperm waiting to be the lucky winner!

Today is "The Gathering" for Tiny Purpose. TP moms come together once a year for a conference on baby loss and have a tea party. I miss my son, but know that through God's grace I am healed. I do not feel a need to go to these gatherings for grief counseling or whatever, but just to have the camaraderie of the women who attend. We are all in it together. Each of us scarred by the losses of our children who haven't yet come to be. I find hope there. That there is more to life than just grief. That to have had Ethan, is to celebrate him. I am so very thankful he was born.

This week, a friend's teenage daughter was facing an unwanted pregnancy test. My husband told me he was gonna scream if it came back positive. "Why," he said, "is it that people who don't even want children can do it once and get them? It truly upsets me that God would allow that-- we have the financial means, the ability to care for them, the desire to love them and keep them safe. Why, then, can't we get pregnant?" I have no answer for him except God knows and He will let us know when we get there. Thankfully, no screaming took place this week.

I called a reproductive endocrinologist this week. I thought that since I had the flashing which could be a sign of retinal detachment, I am no longer taking Clomid. I don't want to risk blindness to become pregnant. So, the receptionist said that I wouldn't be able to get in until June. My medical insurance will cover a consultation appointment, but after that I have to call them for preauthorization of any tests or procedures. So, I will call them with my procedure codes that the doctor may order, and then they will tell me if they cover it or not. tape, anyone? So, after I talked with the receptionist about my story a bit, and then she agreed to make the appointment since it was so far out, and if I do find out the Clomid worked, then I could cancel. So, she checked the appointment book and had one appointment for May 5! So, I am on the books! Hopefully, if God doesn't allow this cycle to be successful, then I will soon know exactly why I am not getting pregnant -- and try to correct it.

One more thing, Shaun was accepted into the radiography program, so he will attend specialized training for the next two years! We are so excited about this. Praise God that He is faithful, even when we doubt!!!!

Father, I am so thankful for the radical changes you have made in my life recently. Thank you that you are healing my damaged marriage. Thank you that you continue to provide for us financially even though Shaun is unemployed, and I am facing unemployment in both my jobs. I am grateful that you are the author of Life and know better than I do when it comes to family planning. I pray that you give me my desire to have children abundantly and I pray that this month is the month we see your glory. I pray for all my friends, that they come to know who you are and see you for who you are, and love you forever. Give them what they ask for and help them to grow in you. In Jesus' name, AMEN!

Monday, April 5, 2010

Month 11, Cycle 8, Day 12

Took my last estrogen this morning. Thank you all for the prayers. My anxiety was under control and I didn't freak out at all these last 10 days. Well, except a little when my vision was flashing. It still kind of is, but I can deal with it. The prescription insert says that the flashing in the vision is a side effect and it usually goes away a few days after taking the medication. So, hopefully it will soon be gone.

No peak reading on the monitor yet, but I am having a few signs of impending ovulation in my cervix. Remember, doctor is hoping that I will ovulate on Day 14. My fertility friend website program predicts it to happen on day 15 or 16. Last month it was day 16-18... So, this is the fertile week. Then, two weeks of waiting. I sure am praying hard for a successful month! But, only God knows!

Father, you are amazing and I thank you for sending Jesus to die on a cross and more importantly raising him from the dead on Easter. You have guaranteed us eternal life just by accepting you and I am so very grateful for that! I pray for a child of my own to care for and love and nurture. I ask that you bless me with this gift because you love me and want me to live life abundantly. Father, it is the deepest desire of my heart to raise a family who are in love with you and can contribute so much good to others in this world. I praise you because you are awesome and none compares to you. I pray for all my friends who are struggling in whatever form right now, that you are able to comfort them and love them right where they are and that they will come to know your grace and mercy as well as they know themselves! In Jesus' name, AMEN!