Monday, July 20, 2009

Day 28

Here is the latest in my newest journey. I have started my own personal journal, and here are the highlights:

June 23 -- day 1 period began after stopping birth control pills, have been on pills a long time, so I don't know how long my normal cycle usually lasts. Couple months before Ethan was conceived they were 34 days long.

June 27 -- told my dad that we were trying to get pregnant. He teared as he said, "Can't you adopt? I don't want to see you die." I know he and others are scared, but they don't know how much I have worried about the same things. Yes, I know I was so close to death in childbirth with Ethan, but can I really let that keep me from the joy of having a living child? I am willing to take the risk of death to have a family. Yes, dad, I can adopt, but we would really like to have a biological child. Please just pray for us and love us through this journey. When he may have only thought about it a couple of times over the last few years, I have thought, analyzed and prayed for this every day for 3.5 years. It is time to try again!

June 30-July 15 -- fertile days. Many attempts at baby dust here! Surprisingly I am not afraid. Maybe because I have waited 3.5 years to try again..HA!

July 12-18 -- nauseous. I think I have the flu. Stomach is just not right. Can't be morning sickness, can it?

July 14 -- bright red spotting this morning. I am worried. Either I am starting my 2nd cycle early, or I am having an early miscarriage, or this is implantation bleeding. Nonetheless, I went to Cedar Point as scheduled and had a blast! I am in crazy mode now...every twinge I feel, I am either positive I am pregnant, or positive I am not...HOW LONG DO I HAVE TO WAIT TO TEST??

July 18 -- Cycle Day 26: I am a crazy person. I bought 3 pregnancy tests today. It is supposed to be able to show pregnancy “5 days before missed period”, so if I have a 28-31 day cycle, I should be able to know. Well, it was negative today, but I am not convinced I am not pregnant yet. I will test again next week sometime. I told Shaun and he grabbed my belly and talked into it, “Come on, work! Dad says work!” It was cute! He never did touch my belly when I was pregnant with Ethan. He said he thought pregnancy was boring, so this time he is going to be more aware of everything going on. We will see. Plus, I am still not feeling the best.

July 20 -- Cycle Day 28: if I had normal length cycles, my period should begin tomorrow. I haven't had any symptoms of pregnancy or PMS. I just don't know. Perhaps I will test tomorrow morning. It still could be too early to tell. It is nice thinking about wanting to be pregnant, but I am not sure how I will react when it actually happens.

Lord, I pray for your blessing on this journey. I ask that your will be done. If it is in your plan for us to be pregnant, I ask that you allow it to happen on your timing. And if it isn't, I ask that you take this desire to be a mom completely away. I pray for your peace, and your strength, and your love to carry me and my husband through this. I thank you that you are a God who loves us and who works all things together for the good of those who love you and are called according to your purpose, as you have showed us in Romans 8:28. I pray for those who are reading this blog that they come to know you through this journey and through their own, that they see that you are faithful and loving! I pray for your guidance upon any and all mothers who are hurting from the loss of their child and I pray that they know you are a God who knows what it is like to hold his child he knows will die and that you are a father who experienced the loss of a child as well. I thank you for who you are in Jesus' name, AMEN!

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