Today is Saturday. I saw my sweet little one pass out of me on Monday and on Thursday, I did the procedure to be sure the miscarriage didn't cause me any infection due to any unpassed tissue. I went to work Friday and did ok, but today was a different story. Shaun had to take off of his clinicals on Thursday to attend the surgery and so today was his make up day. He is at the hospital and I will soon have to go in to work at 3pm. And this morning, all I can do is sit and shake my head. I am dumbfounded by what has taken place over the last few months. Was this real? Did any of it happen?
And truthfully, I am shaking my head over and over again. This sucks. It just plain does. I hurt. I can't even begin to describe the disappointment I feel. Utterly and completely crushed. I know through my past experiences that I WILL feel whole again. I know that this deep longing and emptiness will not last forever. But, today in this moment, I am broken. Not by fear. Not by past situations. But, by knowing that my sweet child who only was able to flutter his heart for after a short 7 weeks, had to pass on. I miss this little one.
Father, thank you for the gift of feeling emotion. Thank you that you allow us to hurt so that we can help and comfort others who are hurting. I am reminded that you said, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Thanks for calling me blessed, but please attach a human feeling to it so I know within my marrow that I am blessed, because at times it feels like a curse. Help me to continue to see you in this and through this. In Jesus' name, AMEN!