Sunday, November 28, 2010


As the holiday season approaches, I am wondering with the miscarriage how I will react to it. In the past, when I have had loss after loss, I am continually reminded about what traditions I am not sharing with my kids, my mom and grandparents. I miss my family, and Christmas is taking on a whole different feeling. I am sad, yes, this year that once again I am not a mom. Once again, I do not have a mom. And once again, I have to endure someone else's plan and tradition for the holidays.

Growing up, I lived in a very matriarchal family. My grandmother moved in with us shortly after my grandfather died when I was 10 years old. Before then, we spent a lot of time at my grandparents house, and my grandma was the epitome of love. I don't ever remember her raising her voice or showing anger. I knew when she was mad, because she would say it straight to someone's face what she thought, but never with a loud voice. She hugged, kissed and read books to me and her other grandchildren. She smiled and always was happy to see us. Christmases were either at her house, or one of her daughter's homes and always included the extended family. When she moved in with us, I appreciated her so much because I never had a sister, so somehow, even though she was 53 years older than me, it felt as though I had a sister, someone to share my life with and teach me how to bake, cook, clean and be a young woman. My mom on the other hand, was a pistol! She enjoyed life completely and was every child in the neighborhood's friend, every niece and nephew she had loved her and she threw the best parties. My mother organized fundraisers for the community and prepared lemonade stands for the road side. She created relay races, bonfires, pin the tail on the donkey and all sorts of fun things to do with the kids. But, on Christmas, she went all out. We decorated the house, we baked cookies and pies and sang Christmas music all throughout the month of December. On Christmas Eve, my Uncle Dave and his kids came to visit us and we exchanged gifts. We each had a line in the 12 days of Christmas that mom required us to sing to, and we dressed up and knocked on doors in the neighborhood to sing Christmas carols to our neighbors. There were no inhibitions. She made life fun and then culminated the Christmas evening by sharing the true Christmas story as found in Luke of the Bible. My mother loved the Lord and sharing about who He was and how His grace was sufficient for her. We lived on government income at various times in our life, but no matter what she knew that God would provide her with her daily bread and still belted out "Oh, Holy Night" with such passion that you would have thought she was blessed beyond measure.

Even though when my grandma was 71, she accepted Christ on her deathbed, once my grandmother died December 21, 1998, my mom's enthusiasm for holidays waned. She learned she had cancer in 1999 and was in the hospital that Christmas after a severe reaction to the radiation and chemotherapy. She died in October of 2000.

That year, I desperately wanted to continue the zest and love for the season she possessed by hosting the holiday the same way she had always done. I tried but failed to match up. Each year since, I have just put aside the traditions and tried to assimilate to my husband's family's plan. While I love being with them and spending the holiday with my nieces and nephews, I lack the matriarchal family and zest my grandma and mom brought. And I just LONG for the day I get to have my own family and host my own traditions and bring up my children into a hope-filled, loving, joyous occasion where they know without a shadow of a doubt that Jesus Christ is Lord and He was born to save the lost and dying.

So, part of me is sad to miss my motherly figures. Part of me is sad to not yet be able to share with my kids about Who He IS!! And yet, I still have a great message to share with all of you, with my nieces and nephews and my family and friends, that the ONE who is name CHRIST is the ONE who came to save. He is God and I am in LOVE.

Father, thank you for allowing me to express some of my desire for female family relationship. Thank you for giving us Christ to save us from this broken world. I pray that you allow me the chance to have children and especially a daughter to pass on this enthusiasm and love for you. In Jesus' name, AMEN!

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