Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Emotionally, as I miscarried

I woke up today after having woke up every 1-2 hours cramping and needing to use the restroom. But, I made it. Yesterday when it started I was so fearful. I was afraid of bleeding out, of seeing a live fetus, of rupturing my uterus through my c-section scar. And then I began shivering and fevering, and then I feared surgery and death. I was afraid to eat because if I had to have surgery, then I could aspirate vomit, and I was afraid of the pain.

And then my fear turned into peace. I prayed and God comforted. I started to cramp and all I could think was to write some of my thoughts and prayers here. My hubby stayed pretty busy, I think he just didn't know what to do for me.

And then I passed it. What a relief. I thought that was what it was, but in my fear, I wondered if it was a huge blood clot or a piece of my uterus. I blogged about it hear and chatted with a friend on facebook who had similar losses. She assured me that what was happening was normal and likely what I was seeing was the gestational sac. That knowledge brought me more peace. Finally, I thought, this was behind me, the labor-like cramps would cease soon and I could relax. But, as I was chatting with her, I began to cramp again. And thinking I had to have a bowel movement, I used the toilet and a loud PLOP! My sweet hubby heard this and turned to me and said, "Oh no, are you ok? Did it happen again?" I was bleeding pretty heavily at this time and started to get a little nervous, thinking these were now, clots as surely there wouldn't be two! But, we checked and it was another sac like thing that had a white-looking something embedded in it. We breathed a sigh of relief and Shaun was certain that it was over. "That's the baby," he said. I told him I wanted to call the doctor because I wasn't sure, and he asked, "are you bleeding through a pad a hour? Are you in writhing pain? Do you have seizures or uncontrollable shaking? Fever? Then, no, you don't need to call the doctor and this has passed." He was right. And so we flushed. Not saving these products of conception because it had been contaminated by the toilet water.

I felt relieved, especially since I only needed 1-600mg Motrin and no need for vicodin. I feel no more anxiety and I feel ok. At different times last week before I had the final ultrasound to determine no progress, I broke down and cried hard, pleading with God to take this from me. I have started the grieving before the physical loss had begun. I know from past experience that in time I will feel pain, I will feel loss and I will feel empty. But, today, right now, I feel relieved to have the worst of it over. I feel ok.

Thank you to all of you for your kind words, your thoughts, prayers and love. I appreciate it more than you know and it has somewhat made up for not having my mother here to go through it with me. I love you and will continue to blog about where God is taking me. Today he is taking me through the Psalms...
Psalm 128
A song of ascents.

1 Blessed are all who fear the LORD,
who walk in obedience to him.
2 You will eat the fruit of your labor;
blessings and prosperity will be yours.
3 Your wife will be like a fruitful vine
within your house;
your children will be like olive shoots
around your table.
4 Yes, this will be the blessing
for the man who fears the LORD.

5 May the LORD bless you from Zion;
may you see the prosperity of Jerusalem
all the days of your life.
6 May you live to see your children’s children—
peace be on Israel.

Father, I pray that you allow me to live to see and help raise my children's children. Thank you for letting this process go quickly and relatively painlessly. I praise you because you are so involved in the details of everything and looking at the sac I am reminded about these details. Your perfection astounds me and I am in awe of your creation. Please help Shaun and I to grieve sufficiently and to in time come to understand what the reason is for all this loss in our lives. Help us to determine what plans you have for us and give us a clearly defined course for us to follow to raise children. You alone have the answers and I pray that you continue to bless me with great friends, awesome family and a positive spirit. I know that without You in my life I would not be capable of enduring this tragedy so peacefully. It is You who brings me peace and I pray that you infiltrate the lives of those who read. In Jesus' name, AMEN!


  1. Ugh!! I just called my doctor to be sure that they felt this was an appropriate amount of bleeding and they said probably not. I am so drained emotionally. I sobbed for 20 minutes. They want me to repeat the cytotec tonight, but I am so stinking nervous about it. She felt my ambivalence and offered to have me come in for an ultrasound in the morning and see from there. I am scared, but I am waiting for my hubby to come home so we can decide what to do.

  2. We will have another ultrasound at 9am. I am fearful of bleeding out and in my fear I have been sobbing...uncontrollably for hours. I can't fathom this not to be over and still can't see how I would be able to put myself in a position to take the meds or surgery. The overwhelming fear I have is from the past trauma I have had. I almost bled to death from tissue that was torn away from uterus 5 years ago. I had nightmares and side effects from anesthesia and pain meds. I don't want to endure any of that again.

    Lord, I am begging you that you reveal tomorrow that all the tissue has been removed and cleaned out of my uterus. I ask that if there is still remaining tissue that you allow me to pass it on my own tonight so I won't have to repeat the meds or have the surgery. You know what is best for me God and I trust you. But, I am pleading with you to take the fear away. Give me confidence that my body can do something on its own, so that when I do get pregnant again I can be confident and less fearful that I can achieve term pregnancy safely. Lord, this is getting too much for me to bear. I know you don't give me any more than I can handle, so please know that any more is too much. Give me rest and peace tonight and give me strength to attend the ultrasound and proclaim that you allowed nature to pass it like it should. You are holy and worthy and I beg you to let me just grieve and heal emotionally, instead of wondering if I still need to heal physically. You know that my fear of death by bleeding out is real, is expected and you know that you can alleviate it. Father, be my rear guard, and protect me from further harm. I am praying for my miracle and remembering that you did similar things when Ethan was here, and you took him home moments before he was to be removed from life support. You can do it again. Remove the remaining tissue, if any, and prove that you can still perform miracles amidst this tragedy. In Jesus' name, AMEN!

  3. If you are interested...I took some homeopthic remedies when I miscarried to make sure my uterus was clear. I also took some remedies to help with the bleeding and emotional part of the loss. All of the remedies were helpful - in fact I never even went to a medical dr. Email me on facebook if you want to know more. Take care of yourself - hugs sent your way. Loretta

  4. Sunshine Thank You so much for sharing your life, good times and bad! You are so transparent and faithful and I love you for that!! I pray for peace and comfort for you and Shaun and I pray that I can do and say the right things for you during this trial! I am here for you no matter what, know that!! I will be talking to you soon! Thinking of you at 9am!!

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