Sunday, March 21, 2010

Month 10, Cycle 7, day 28. 12days past ovulation

I took a test this morning that is the "early" test which measures 25 hcg units (one of the lowest on the market). And it is negative. :(

I have been having symptoms of pregnancy and/or pms for the last 3 days. nausea, tender breasts, cramps, back pain, twinges in abdomen. I don't have an average day for when I get my period, but I would assume that it may match last month which I was on clomid. Last month was 30 days, so I am guessing I should start my period before Wednesday this week. In which case, then, it may be too early to test anyway.

What is my instinct? I think that these signs are more period cramping. I haven't had a lot of experience with my natural signs being as I was on birth control for 15 years. Over this last year, I have learned so much about the woman's cycle. However, mine is not typical!!

This week, my cousin was having her c-section delivery and had a heart attack. She and her baby survived, but her heart attack at age 35 is concerning. From what I understand, she doesn't have blockages or whatever, I think they said it was a mild heart attack caused by a spasm on the outside of the heart. I read the chances are like 6/100,000 cases. Very rare, but apparently our family seems to hit the proverbial jackpot in these cases.

I am again anxious about perhaps having to do another round of Clomid. I thought I could do it til I heard of my cousin. Things continue to be scarier. I try to convince myself that the end product will be so worth all this. I try to believe that for me things will FINALLY work out perfectly healthy. I try to put faith in God and believe that He would not allow me to suffer again. But, reality hits and I realize that He allowed me to live through the devastation once I was obeying Him, and He has not given my any indication that everything would work out exactly as I would hope. I have to just keep praying for His will and for me to hear Him when He speaks to me.

Father, I ask you to bless my cousin who is recovering from her cardiac episode during delivery. Prepare her and her children to have long lives and to experience complete healing that only you can bring. Lord, I ask that you continue to be clear with me regarding pregnancy and I pray that it is your timing and your will for me that you will bring it to completion. Father, pregnancy this month would be great as I am increasingly more anxious and ambivalent as the months pass. Help me to live each day to the fullest and to love those you have called me to in the ways that you have chosen for me. I thank you for the special opportunities I have had this week and praise you for given me the strength to handle those situations. I love you, in Jesus' name, Amen.

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