Nervous. Worried. The confidence I had just a couple of days ago has slipped into the other side. I had no reason to fear the outcome of the first ultrasound in October and look at what happened there (couldn't find a heartbeat, then found one, and then came back a week later to learn the baby probably had died). I was confident and happy and just trying to live in the moment and appreciate that for that day I was pregnant and the baby although measuring small, had a heartbeat. Deep in my heart I knew that baby was not going to make it after that first ultrasound but I tried hard to have faith.
Today is similar. I am afraid to go into the appointment tomorrow as I know what the fetus is supposed to look like and what I am supposed to hear. I am afraid that they will tell me there are four embryos. What will I do then? Will I share with you all what I find? Will I have to selectively reduce? Will I survive this pregnancy?
I wonder if I should pull the plug on this blog. The publicity is getting to me. If I hadn't promised God that I would be open and honest on this blog when he asked me to write it, then I don't think any of you would know that I am currently pregnant. I would have kept it a secret until people began guessing from my growing belly that I was carrying life within me. I think the hardest part was when people I am not even friends with on facebook came to me at church yesterday to congratulate me. Shocked, I said, "we'll see." Folks, I don't share my news on here for the sake of gossip or exalting myself. This blog is fully intended to glorify the LORD. I will politely ask you to please direct people here to read the full story rather than "share the prayer request" with others. I am not confident that God will allow me to carry this pregnancy, and neither should you be, as he did not promise me that. I don't feel like a congratulations are in order, because frankly, the doctor said 75% survival rate. That is 25% chance of another miscarriage. REAL LIFE. I know this blog is public, but it has a much bigger purpose than announcing my pregnancy, I promise you that. I don't want my pregnancy to be public knowledge unless they've read this blog. And to be honest, I haven't told any of my family members except via this medium.
I also have endured listening to those well meaning people who keep telling me about your friends who couldn't get pregnant for years and just when they stopped worrying they got pregnant, or who say, don't you think it is great when you hear that God allowed so and so to get pregnant on her own after 10 years when she finally adopted. For you, I say, I am blessed beyond measure that God in his miraculous knowledge and skill as a Physician allowed me to get pregnant 4 times. He did so in 4 very distinct ways, but HE allowed it to happen. Whether or not I used medicine to enhance it has no bearing. Sure, I could have waited for the LORD to bless me on the natural timing, or I could get medication to heal my hormonal imbalances and start living my life sooner. Yes, I know there is a possibility that he could have allowed me to get pregnant on my own, but we know medically that was not likely to happen. Would you tell the person with diabetes that you know of a friend who just relaxed and their diabetes went away? No. That would be absurd, because surely, someone should go the the doctor and get insulin and exercise and eat healthy when they have a medical condition such as that. Diabetes is a condition in which there is a hormonal problem that their bodies do not produce enough insulin. Same with me, my body does not produce enough follicle stimulating hormone or estrogen and progesterone. I am in awe the God allowed me to MIRACULOUSLY become pregnant as much as I am in awe by when HE allowed my good friend who has a similar condition as me to become pregnant on her own and is due the same week as I am!! The LORD works in his own ways in each individual. If I were destined to remain barren, then the medicine would do nothing. God is in control of everything. No, I don't want to hear about your friend because I know that this is the right way for me.
There is still 24 more hours until I know some of the result of this pregnancy. But, these are still just steps in the right direction. We could have 33 more weeks of worrying, obsessing and wondering. I am praying for a healthy pregnancy with a low number of fetuses (one or two) and for a very uneventful pregnancy. Can you also pray with me as I choose my obstetrician and hospital in which I will deliver?
Thank you Jesus again for your MIRACLE of life. 4 times you have allowed me to carry life within me. The first naturally, and the others with medication. I pray that you allow me to bring this or these little one(s) home healthy, able and alive. I promise you that I will teach them to be God-honoring, people-loving, and productive Christian citizens of the world. I pray that you bless us again by giving us more than we are able to ask for or even imagine.
I continue to ask you to bless this blog and let it be a place where people see YOU. Where they learn about your ways and what it means to be faithful. I pray that you teach others about purpose, life and transparency in and through it. I ask for you to calm my heart and mind as I go through the next 24 hours and that you give me the peace that only you can give. I love you LORD and ask all these things and more in Jesus' name, AMEN!