The wait is driving me crazy. When I was called by the nurse to arrange the ultrasound, she told me that March 6 was the date I could come in. Since it was a Sunday, she told me to pick either Friday or Monday. And before I chose, she suggested that I wait until Monday so as we could probably be able to hear a heartbeat by then. Everything in my being wanted to be able to come in Friday, but since my hubby is out of town today, I decided that Friday would not be good. He wanted to be able to be a part of the ultrasound experience. He wants to see just how many and how healthy each one is for himself. So, in keeping with that theme, allowing Shaun to attend, I also had to postpone it until Tuesday because he would be able to make up his clinical rotations better than missing his Monday morning classes.
So we wait.
4 more days.
4 long worrisome days.
Superstitiously, I think if I share with you what my inclinations are telling me then it won't come true. So, without sharing my full vision, I think this pregnancy is going to be great. I am excited and ready to face this head on. I have to say that 5 years ago this week I was having my 6 week postpartum checkup with my OB. We were discussing the safety of another pregnancy and how waiting 2 years to even try to get pregnant was her recommendation. At that point, I was devastated and confused. Of course I wasn't going to try again, I thought, EVER! That pain was too much to bear.
That fear enslaved me. It captured me then and held me hostage for 3-4 years. The fear I have now is incomparable to what it was then. I fear a life without children. I fear an existence that is self-absorbed. I fear the possibility of wasting what God has called me to do. I am in this moment, right now, to share with you what a blessing He is to me and how grateful I am because HE is my GOD!
Father, I thank you for all that you have shown me in the last 5 years. Sometimes it does take an unthinkable tragedy to remind us of how fragile life is, to teach us to be humble, to examine our faith and to recognize our own limitations. I thank you so much for my Ethan, my baby in June and little girl Plato that you allowed to be apart of our lives for a moment. And I thank you for whatever you have in store for us in this womb. I pray that you bless us, that you take care of the little one(s) in there and you give us a peace of mind on Tuesday and beyond. Please, if it is of your will, allow us to carry this pregnancy to term, to deliver as un-complicatedly as possible and to have health be a result for baby and myself. I pray that you show us favor in this pregnancy and that you guide our every step. I thank you for the friendships I have made because of this blog and I ask that you bless each of the readers in a tangible way. I pray for my TP sister who is about to deliver, that she is comforted and births her little girl without complications or fear. I pray for my other pregnant friends, that they remain healthy despite the flu and colds they encounter and that their little ones do as they are supposed to. I ask you to send a special blessing down today. Touch all of the little ones in the wombs and remind their parents to dedicate their little lives to you. In Jesus' name, AMEN!