Sunday, April 25, 2010

Month 11, Cycle 8, Day 32, 14 dpo

BFN again...

no spotting this morning, and temp is 98.3, .6 over coverline. I sure don't know what is going on except, I expect period today or tomorrow. My chart matches almost perfectly to the day of last month.

I am grieving. Again. On Friday I found out that I will no longer have my LISD job as of June 22. Bummer. I feel like I am losing a family. My classroom students are like my kids and it seems so unfair. I feel like a parent who is being ripped away from her kids for no reason. Trying to find other employment...I have an interview on Tuesday. The hours stink, the stress is tough and no summer vacation. But, it is employment, so I will try. Hubby is going to go to school and graduate and get a good job in 2 years. Of this I am sure, but I am getting so old. If I wait another two years I will be 32. The chances of getting pregnant significantly decrease in your thirties, so looks like I am not doing well. Plus, in researching adoption agencies, I have found it will cost $10000 in fees and usually those who are in financial crisis are often turned down. I will have medical insurance until August 31, so I am going to do my best to figure everything out before then. Maybe some treatments will be covered, like IUI.

And yet, I am grieving. Fertility. Youth. Employment. Livelihood. Middle Class. Dreams.

So many people I know are pregnant and or have just had a baby after trying at the same time as me. Why oh why can't I?

Father, I am trying hard to trust you but I am feeling so let down. I pray that you will forgive me for my jealousy and for my inability to love others. I desperately want to be a mom and be able to provide for my children. Please allow me that opportunity soon. Please give me the desires of my heart.

I pray for those who are pregnant or have newborns. I pray that they have relatively few complications and experience pure joy in their children and children to be. Please love them and let them know that you are the giver of gifts and author of life. I pray that you are the one they turn to when they count how blessed they are. In Jesus' name, AMEN!


  1. Oh hun...It is hard, I am sure, but keep your chin (and your hopes and thoughts) up. I am confident that you will be a mother yet. It may just be in God's timing, not our own. My husband and I are learning that right now in our pursuit for land. God knows your heart, better than even you. He knows your desires. Keep searching for answers. Keep your trust and your faith in God. If you ever want to talk, I am here. If you ever want to not talk, I am here. If you want to get together and have lunch of coffee, let me know! I would love to!

  2. Sunshine, I am so sorry. I know nothing can be said to take away the pain so I just want you to know that I am praying for you very hard and that I am thinking about you a lot! Tons and tons of hugs!