Saturday, April 10, 2010

Month 11, Cycle 8, Day 17

PEAKED today!! This monitor is on fire! Two months in a row I peaked! Both on day 17! So I should ovulate today or tomorrow. Good! I have been timing the deed every day this week starting on Monday, so there are plenty of sperm waiting to be the lucky winner!

Today is "The Gathering" for Tiny Purpose. TP moms come together once a year for a conference on baby loss and have a tea party. I miss my son, but know that through God's grace I am healed. I do not feel a need to go to these gatherings for grief counseling or whatever, but just to have the camaraderie of the women who attend. We are all in it together. Each of us scarred by the losses of our children who haven't yet come to be. I find hope there. That there is more to life than just grief. That to have had Ethan, is to celebrate him. I am so very thankful he was born.

This week, a friend's teenage daughter was facing an unwanted pregnancy test. My husband told me he was gonna scream if it came back positive. "Why," he said, "is it that people who don't even want children can do it once and get them? It truly upsets me that God would allow that-- we have the financial means, the ability to care for them, the desire to love them and keep them safe. Why, then, can't we get pregnant?" I have no answer for him except God knows and He will let us know when we get there. Thankfully, no screaming took place this week.

I called a reproductive endocrinologist this week. I thought that since I had the flashing which could be a sign of retinal detachment, I am no longer taking Clomid. I don't want to risk blindness to become pregnant. So, the receptionist said that I wouldn't be able to get in until June. My medical insurance will cover a consultation appointment, but after that I have to call them for preauthorization of any tests or procedures. So, I will call them with my procedure codes that the doctor may order, and then they will tell me if they cover it or not. tape, anyone? So, after I talked with the receptionist about my story a bit, and then she agreed to make the appointment since it was so far out, and if I do find out the Clomid worked, then I could cancel. So, she checked the appointment book and had one appointment for May 5! So, I am on the books! Hopefully, if God doesn't allow this cycle to be successful, then I will soon know exactly why I am not getting pregnant -- and try to correct it.

One more thing, Shaun was accepted into the radiography program, so he will attend specialized training for the next two years! We are so excited about this. Praise God that He is faithful, even when we doubt!!!!

Father, I am so thankful for the radical changes you have made in my life recently. Thank you that you are healing my damaged marriage. Thank you that you continue to provide for us financially even though Shaun is unemployed, and I am facing unemployment in both my jobs. I am grateful that you are the author of Life and know better than I do when it comes to family planning. I pray that you give me my desire to have children abundantly and I pray that this month is the month we see your glory. I pray for all my friends, that they come to know who you are and see you for who you are, and love you forever. Give them what they ask for and help them to grow in you. In Jesus' name, AMEN!

1 comment:

  1. Wow. I've been reading back through some of these posts. You're on, and have been on, quite a journey... I'm so sorry for your loss. And so sorry for the struggle that this has been for you.