12 weeks, 3 days

"Turn right at the driveway before the stoplight, it will have a sign that says, 'Arbor Circle,'" I tell Shaun as we pull up closer to the doctor office. It had been a long one-hour drive and I was nervous. I barely spoke the entire ride, wondering if I would go in the office and not be able to detect the heartbeat as I had in November with my little girl. The only times I did speak was when I begged Shaun to slow down and not tailgate the cars in front of him.

"This one?" he asks as he was driving too quickly to make the turn.

"Nevermind..." I tell him thinking that he was just going to pass the turn and we would just enter the parking lot from a different direction. But, Shaun crazily spun the steering wheel into the direction of the parking lot and I screamed! The wheels skidded across the gravel on the shoulder of the opposite side of the driveway and the car missed the red fire hydrant by a few inches of the driver's side door, as I anxiously looked at the four foot deep ditch we narrowly avoided rolling into. The car stalled out moments before the large metal sign indicating this was our entrance was right in front of our grill.

"Is this it?" Shaun asked. I didn't answer him as I was in shock. I could feel my pulse throbbing out of my neck and I had a lump in my throat. My nerves were more than a little now, I was at my peak. I slammed the car door and speed walked to the office.

Once back in the exam room I waited for the doctor. The male doctor entered and we talked about some of my history again and I asked him what his recommendation was. He told me that he would recommend that even though a normal pregnant woman would be seen every other week starting at 32 weeks, he would like me to come in twice a week. We would do a ultrasound on the first visit that week and then a non-stress test the second visit each week. We would continue to do that checking to be sure all is going ok, that the placenta is fully intact and if all goes well, we would schedule a c-section at 39 weeks. I asked him if I would be considered normal until 32 weeks, and then he told me that he recommends that I get an ultrasound every 4 weeks until then. So, I will have an ultrasound today, then 18 weeks, then 22, then 26, then 30, then 32 and each additional week thereafter. After listening to my history and knowing how much anxiety I have, he decided that he would also like me to come in for another ultrasound two weeks from now for peace of mind. He was very attentive and listened to me and sounded as though he believed that everything was going to go well.

And then came the ultrasound. This little one was quite somber and still, so I worried that something was wrong, and then the sonographer showed me the baby's strong heartbeat -- 161 beats per minute! This test was to check for genetic abnorm-alities that are incompatible with life and down's syndrome. The baby had a nasal bone (good thing, since down's syndrome baby's usually don't at this stage) and the baby's fluid at the back of its neck was 1.37 cm which is right where it is supposed to be. The heart looked good, the legs and arms looked normal, its placenta looked good and the baby measured 12 weeks, 3 days. The baby was 5.83 cm long and looked just perfect to me. I had to have a blood draw to make a final conclusion about whether or not this baby has signs of abnormalities and will get that result in the mail sometime this week.

Shaun and I went to Once Upon a Child afterward to buy a couple maternity clothes and then went home.

Father, thank you again for blessing us with our fourth child to love, to raise and to cherish. We thank you for the way you intricately weave together this 2.5 inch being with all parts intact. I praise you Lord for it all. I ask that you continue to bless us as we continue to journey this path to parenthood. Give me the grace to extend grace to my husband, who didn't try to kill us, but almost did. I pray that you help me to show him that I love him and appreciate him. In Jesus' name, AMEN!

10 weeks, 6 days

WOW! Almost through the first trimester. This is starting to get exciting. However, the fear is still there that things will change in an instant.

Last Monday, when I was 9 weeks, 4 days, I had a nursing appointment at my high risk specialist's group. While there, they interviewed me and recorded all the pertinent information about my medical history, about my previous pregnancies and took a real good history. Unfortunately for me, the weekend prior to this, I had was exposed to someone who broke out in a real fine red raised rash. I didn't think anything of it until I decided to Google it. Yikes. Looked like something bad, like fifth disease or the measles. Long story short, the girl was diagnosed with a viral rash. No one took the time to diagnose it further, but both measles and fifth disease are viral rashes and potentially fatal to the fetus if I were to contract it. I spent the weekend sanitizing my hands, cleaning surfaces and staying away from this person, but I had already been exposed. I let the nurse at the appointment know and she suggested that I get a test done to see if I have any immunity to the fifth disease. If I did get the virus or do not have immunity, then they will be doing serial ultrasounds to be sure the fetus was growing properly.

After an hour of combing through detail after detail about my history, and having been given a new book about Pregnancy and a folder's work of reading material about St. Joe's, the appointment was over. The nurse stood up and was ready to whisk me out the door.

"Would you mind if we could listen to the baby?" I asked, as sweetly as I could be.
"I don't mind, but being that you are only 9 weeks, I don't want you to get upset if we can't hear the heartbeat with the doppler. It is still very early."
I nodded, but secretly was planning the conversation I would have when we didn't hear the heartbeat and begging for an ultrasound.

The nurse went into another room and retrieved the doppler and had me lay flat on a lazy boy chair and pressed the microphone into the top my pubic bone. She heard my heartbeat and wiggled the instrument around and there it was...my little ones very fast 160 beats per minute heartbeat!! I grinned and said thank you and left the room. I was waiting for the test results to come back from my prenatal panel and 1 hour glucose test and they would call me when they came in.

An hour or more later, the nurse called to say that all of my results were normal and where they needed to be except that I still do not have immunity to Rubella. I told this nurse that I had just received a vaccine for this in 2006 after Ethan's birth for the same reason. She said that some people do not build up much immunity, but I would still need to get another vaccine after this birth. AND, the one hour glucose test came back slightly elevated, so I would need to do the 3 hour test. They wanted my number to be under 135, but instead it was 147. I was assuming I would be gestational diabetic, so having to do the 3 hour test did not surprise me. I was to load on carbs for 3 days and then fast 8-12 hours and have the test done fasting, then drink 100g glucola and then take draws at every hour after that. If my results come back high for any 2 of the 4 tests then gestational diabetes it is. I scheduled my test for Monday April 4.

And so I loaded on carbs. Candy bars, ice cream, breads, chex mix, tortilla chips, etc. I hadn't enjoyed this kind of food in years. Since before I had been pregnant with Ethan and discovered I was insulin resistant. I had been dieting fairly well since then in hopes that I would lessen the chance of developing Type 2 diabetes prematurely.

And then on Monday, at 10 weeks 4 days, I had my test. I was sooooo thirsty and tired for the 4 hours I sat at the hospital waiting that I was confident that I was experiencing high sugar reactions. And then the test results came back yesterday.

TEST My result What it should be

Fasting 80 <95
1 hour 142 <180
2 hour 142 <155
3 hour 120 <140

I was in SHOCK! I must have said, "wow" like 100 times when the nurse called me as I was so certain that I would fail miserably. But, no. I did not fail even a single test!!! Other than the fact that I have had 3 losses, this pregnancy is not complicated or high risk at this point!!! I will have to retake the 3 hour test at approximately 24-26 weeks as that is when normal pregnant women start to have more difficulty, but I will take another 14-16 weeks of unrestricted dieting and worry! I am so excited. It makes me realize that it is possible that this pregnancy might work. I feel so much better. With Ethan I spotted on and off the entire first trimester. Looking back now, I am certain that was our first indication of something wrong with the placenta. This pregnancy has presented so much different than my previous ones and I am feeling more and more confident each day.

I know it is very early to begin feeling movements, but I swear I feel the flutters in my low abdomen. Even if it isn't sweet baby Plato, I am so excited to think that this is what is soon to come. I have a doctor appointment on April 15 at 10am. There, we will get another ultrasound as I will be just over 12 weeks pregnant. This ultrasound is a screening test to see if there are any soft markers for spinal cord problems, downs syndrome or other genetic disorders that may be cause for additional monitoring and care of the fetus. We will also have our first prenatal visit with the doctor.

Is this really happening? Am I dreaming? Is my chance to finally be a mom honing in? In the midst of all this I have been reading. Mostly pregnancy books, but my pastor recommended I read the book, Choose to Cheat by Andy Stanley. While I was in the waiting room during my 4 hour test I started and finished this book. I had been complaining about my job interfering with my ability to balance my social life with my husband, my family and my friends. This book challenged me to rethink how I was approaching my job. It encourages people to not spend so much time at work and come home early, etc, yet I found it difficult when I work a shift schedule with little flexibility. Due to my husband's job loss 2.5 years ago, and his subsequent decision to go to college, I have been the sole breadwinner of the family. I gladly took on this role to see my husband pursue a passion within him to become a medical professional. But, now, as his unemployment is finally about to run out, I am becoming a hoarder. We have saved his severance pay in preparation for this time and I worked long hours to save even more money to prepare for this time, but now that the time has come, I don't want to use my savings on this time. Why not work harder and longer and save the savings for a vacation or a car or a down payment on a bigger home, I thought? And then I read this book. I am cheating my family by choosing to work more to have more. So, my critical decision is this. Instead of working all the holidays that I usually work and receive double time and a half's pay, I am going to take the day off and just receive a holiday pay. I am going to quit complaining about not being able to spend time with my family because I work and instead spend time with them because I chose to take a day off. I am going to enjoy taking some of my vacation days this summer and spend time with my nieces and nephews poolside, instead of feeling sorry for myself for missing out on summer because I have to work. And then even though I will need time off for my maternity leave, I am not going to feel guilty if I do not have enough sick/vacation days saved up to pay me during that time. I will just use my savings if necessary. And I will trust that God will know what we need and provide for us just as He always has! After I first read this book on Monday, I thought, this is a nice concept, but just doesn't work for me where I am right now. And then on Tuesday, after prayer about what it could help me in, I had the revelation that I should make this critical decision. AND, not only did I decide this, I filled out time off slips for all of the holidays until the end of 2011, and attached a note to my supervisor explaining my obvious insanity. Those of you struggling with this balance, choose to read this book. It is worth it. Thanks, Pastor Scott.

Anyway, I am hopeful, excited and optimistic. I have 5 other books that I am in process of reading and have more to share with you in another post. But, for now, I leave you as I always do, in prayer.

Father, thank you so much for the series of events that lead up to receiving this book and causing me to make a freeing decision. I had not known that I trusted in money more than You when I began reading it, as I do all the right things with my finances according to how You outline it in the Bible. But, Father, I believe that I will not miss my time at my job, but miss the opportunities with my kids, my husband, my friends and my extended family members once I am in my final days. I thank you for once again giving me clear instructions for living when I can sometimes wonder the relevance of old testament stories to current times.

I pray for my friend who just delivered her baby girl this past weekend that you kept her healthy, safe and free from serious complications in delivery. I pray for this baby girl as she continues to grow and heal and be a blessing to her parents and others. "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1 says and I am faithfully believing that you will continue to bless my pregnancy and continue to give me confidence and hope for a future. I pray for the 3 other friends I have who are due around the same time as me that their little bundles are safe and sound and healthy as can be. I ask that you bless those who read this and give them a sense of peace in and around the situations that they may be facing. I love you Jesus and can't thank you enough for your love, mercy and provision. In Jesus' name, AMEN!

8 weeks, 5 days

After much contemplation with my husband, I had decided only to interview the doctors at St. Joe's Maternal Fetal Medicine department so as to begin prenatal care as soon as possible. We have met with Dr. Bryant, one of their doctors in the past and were pretty confident that we would transfer our care there anyway, but in light of having toured both U of M and St. Joe's NICUs and OB units, we felt strongly that we wanted to deliver at St. Joe's unless they were not equipped to handle the specific situation we may encounter. Shaun was adamantly against using U of M as the memories of living in that hospital for 5 days in 2006 would be too daunting for him to bear at this time. We also read and reviewed each of your comments and private messages about your experiences with various MFM departments and we weighed your thoughts carefully as well.

So, on Monday I had my appointment at IHA MFM with Dr. Williams at 10:20am. Shaun was unable to come due to having to attend class, but I was unwilling to reschedule as I needed peace of mind about how this pregnancy was progressing. I arrived after a long one hour drive and the receptionist was overwhelmingly friendly and smiley! I waited in the waiting room with several other moms-to-be and tried to calm my nerves. The office was very busy as moms walked in and out every few minutes. I eavesdropped, listening through the glass window as a nurse was talking to the receptionist that was so friendly to me.

"Really? You use glue? Like Superglue?" The middle-aged blonde nurse asked the receptionist. And then a chuckle erupted from all 4 office workers.

"No, not superglue," the young black woman said while stifling her giggles. "You know the glue that you use to glue on eyelashes? Well, the same glue is used for the weave. It sticks real good for about 2 weeks and then it starts to come apart. So I gotta get my hair glued again."

I smiled, looking away, so that the workers didn't know I was listening. It was kinda funny, but I am not sure if they know that they could be heard in the lobby. About 20 minutes later, I was summoned to the ultrasound room. Ironically, the ultrasound tech's name was Francie. Not the same young sweet Francie from U of M, but a woman who attempted to get an ultrasound of my fetus via abdominal scan. We saw the gestational sac and baby this way, but it was hard to tell anything as it was so small. She said my bladder was too full and she would need to do a vaginal scan. So, I emptied my bladder and assumed the position on the table.

An 8 week, 4 day old fetus showed on the monitor. A definitely flickering heart was visible to me and then she scanned over the heart to measure it's beats. And I could hear it...185 beats per minute. Amazing. Thank you Jesus! The baby measured 1.89 cm and they showed me the umbilical cord and how it goes from baby to placenta. My blood pressure was 108/63 and My weight was unmentionable. Perhaps I will feel comfortable posting that here, but for now, no way!! The tech was planning on putting me in a room, but there were none open and available at the time, so they sat me back out into the waiting room.

Once in the waiting room a woman in a blue jumpsuit with orange stripes and bulging silver bracelets connecting her hands in front of her baby bump entered the office escorted by a male and a female correction officer. The officers were cordial and cracked jokes to each other as they waited for the receptionist to check the lady in. "They usually let us sit in a room back there to wait," the female officer tried to whisper to the front desk.

"I know, ma'am, but there are no rooms available as we are super-busy this morning."

"Can we wait in the hallway back there at least?" The female officer continued her plea. I watched the inmate and saw no expression on her face. She was facing one of the most wonderful things, pregnancy, not escorted by her husband or mother, but by the people she would form relationships with because she was forced to. I sensed her sadness and fear as having been a juvenile detention officer for 9 years, I have consoled a couple of young ladies who found herself pregnant and behind bars. The receptionist acquiesced to the request and away behind the doors the entourage left. The buzz in the lobby was astir moments later when families chatted about why there wasn't doctors in prisons and how come she had to come there and a 4 year old girl asking her mom about the silver bracelets she saw on that lady's hands. I was sad to hear what the gossip was, as no one is certain to know what the reason for the lady's current condition. Maybe I have worked in this field too long and have identified with criminals too much to feel a sense of judgment toward the women. I felt sad. We all have done wrong things in our lives and sometimes it is just random on who is caught. I can't say for certain that the woman sitting next to me never stole a package of gum or the man who came in with his girlfriend never used illegal drugs, but because we knew that this woman must have committed a crime for being in prison, then these people felt okay to talk about her. I quietly observed and silently prayed for the people in the room. That helped keep my mind off the fact that it was 11:30, one hour and 10 minutes after my scheduled appointment time and I was still in the waiting room.

And then the nurse called me back to the room. She apologized that it had taken so long as they were so busy this morning. I smiled and asked if I still had time to use the rest room as my bladder was once again full. She said it shouldn't be too long now, but that I did in fact have time for another rest room break.

About 10 minutes later, Dr. Jennifer Williams arrived in the room and apologized to me for running late. She said, "I have to be honest that I usually am late, but never this late. There have been several unexpected circumstances this morning and I am sorry." She went on to say that neither my OB or fertility clinic had sent records so she was hoping that I would fill her in on why I was here.

I was upset, but quickly went through the pregnancy with Ethan and the traumatic delivery and then discussed my infertility and miscarriages journey from the last two years and then said I was here to identify if you will take me on as my doctor or if you would recommend someone else. As I was sharing I had a notebook and folder and papers on the couch next to me. On top of that was Ethan's picture. I had deliberately set this picture here as a test.

Once I was done with my story, a nurse knocked on the door and told the doctor that another doctor was on the phone. Dr. Williams quietly excused herself as she said that this would be a quick call and was an emergent one for one of her patients.

She returned within minutes and then asked to see the picture of my son. I gladly handed it to her and introduced Ethan. She stroked her finger over his pic and said quietly to herself, "what a pumpkin." We talked about many of the details of everything and she said, "I probably won't need to get the documents as you are a wonderful historian."

I asked her if she would recommend her practice over U of M as I knew that she had trained there. She praised Dr. Van de ven at U of M, stating that he had delivered all three of her children and he was her mentor and he would do wonderfully if I decided to go with him. What she did mention was that U of M did some things decidedly better than St. Joe's and St. Joe's did some things remarkably better than U of M, so she felt comfortable saying that as long as I didn't have a twin to twin transference or a cardiac emergency or the baby didn't have a cardiac emergency, then I would have great care here. She also mentioned that the NICUs at U of M and St. Joe's were essentially the same quality except that there was no cool cap at St. Joe's, but of course we should not need that. This practice does not believe in bed rest or pelvic rest as it has not been shown to help the outcomes and instead works against the marriage in intimacy and financial and domestic areas. Mentioning that 90% of their patients were referrals and/or consultations, she felt that with 10% of their patients being lower risk primary patients, they were better able to service us with personalized care.

I continued to ask questions about preemptive antibiotics or tests to check the weak spots of the placenta and Dr. Williams smiled and related that I knew the answers to these questions, that really placental abruptions are very unpredictable, there is no real cause for this and as much as we want to control the outcome, we simply are too limited to do so. Odds are that we will have a very healthy baby in October. If I want to do a trial of labor, I could, and if I wanted to schedule a c-section at 39 weeks, I could. And if there is anything that is alarming or emergent, then we will take care of that. I asked several more questions and then she said, "if you wish to go talk to the U and then decide what you want to do, then let us know."

I told her that I was ready to begin treatment here as I was almost 9 weeks. She scheduled a nursing visit for me next Monday for education (and I can have a scan if I want). She also scheduled a establishing patient appointment for me on April 15. I will be 12 weeks and I will have the newest 1st trimester screening ultrasound for down's symdrome and Trisomy 18. When I asked about how this clinic was as far as being able to provide emotional support, she said, "I don't think you will have to wonder about that. Everyone here, the nursing staff, the office staff and the doctors are compassionate. You won't have to worry about that." She started to tear as I did talking about how scared I was. "Oh, you are gonna make me cry," she said, "this is gonna be a long road for you and we are gonna get you through it."

I am worried, though. I loved the fertility clinic. I guess I will have to just begin to develop relationships with the staff here. I already miss Miss Francie, Dr. Marsh, Dr. Randolph, the MAs, the other staff members. Everyone knew my name and was so patient with me. I feel like starting over. I never even got to go over everything I wanted to because I to spend the time going through my pregnancy history. I forgot about some of my medical history. I left the office with a bottle of glucola for my 1 hour diabetes test and a prescription for my prenatal lab work.

Father, thank you again for keeping my little one alive. I pray that she/he grows up to honor you and live out your purpose for his/her life. I thank you that you continue to provide for me and my child and give us peace about the outcome for the pregnancy. I thank you again for allowing me to miraculously bear a child and to miraculously care for it from the inside of my belly. I love you and praise you for all that you are. You are amazing. I ask that you continue to show faithful by showing a healthy baby growing right on track at each successive visit and I ask that you give my doctors your wisdom in how to treat this pregnancy. I thank you so much and ask you to bless me and my friends who are currently on this journey and I ask you to bless all my readers in their current situations. Only you know what they are and you know how best to navigate this. I pray all these things in Jesus' name, AMEN!

Graduated

I want to say that I appreciate all of you readers. Thank you so much for following and seeing what God is doing in our lives. Today was no exception. I thank you for the notes, the emails and likes on facebook. I have been challenged by God to be authentic and sometimes authenticy comes with a price and sometimes it is saying things that need to be said even when it might hurt someone's feelings. I hope that you all know that this is a place of my being real with my emotions, real with my thoughts and real with my heart. Thanks for allowing me to be this way.

My appointment in Ann Arbor began in a hurry. I arrived 10 minutes early and had no wait time. I was quickly asked to get ready for the ultrasound. Miss Francie came in the room singing my name, "Sunshine, I know this is gonna be really good news, I can feel it!" She said she was so excited to hear that I was pregnant and reviewed my chart noting that I had 4-5 mature follicles. We small talked about the storm we had the last time I was there (the blizzard on my birthday) and I told her I was nervous because my beta almost quadrupled. Her eyebrows raised and she inserted the probe.

"Looks like we have one gestational sac!" She announces and then I saw a flutter on the baby. It was the heartbeat. "Awww," she said, "there's the heart just beating away!" I smiled, cautiously waiting to know its measurements. "Are you about 6 weeks?" she asked.

"6 weeks, 5 days," I said to clarify.

"Right on...6 weeks, 5 days!!"

She took about 3-4 different measurements and each one was exactly measuring 6 weeks, 5 days. The crown to rump length was 7.1 mm. Francie looked all over in my abdomen, no other signs of any other babies. She did notice a small tubal cyst, but said she thinks she remembers seeing on there before.

When Francie was done she gave us three ultrasound pics and said the office would call in the afternoon and let me know what their recommendation was, but Francie thought I would have to come in next week just to be sure all was well. She gave both of us a hug and requested that I set up my appointment with my OB now as it may take some time to get in.

Once Francie left the room, Shaun and I didn't say much. Maybe shock. We basically just walked out of the clinic like we have any other time. The receptionist, Rosalyn, with white hair, asked to see our pics. She smiled ear to ear and said how happy she was for us. Again, Shaun and I barely responded except with a small grin. "I have been coming here since May, I sure hope this is it," I tell her.

"I know. Some people come here 3-4 years. I don't know where you women get your stamina. Good luck, Sunshine. I will cross my fingers for you."

We left the clinic and high-fived in the car. After several hours of shopping for size bigger pair of jeans, and a large lunch at Red Robin, we traveled home.

At 3pm, Dr. Marsh called. "Hello there, Sunshine. Are you excited?"

"Anxious," I tell her.

"Well, we are all very happy and pleased with this. Everything looks wonderful and I told you it would only be ONE!"

I smiled saying I remembered that conversation about if I choose to go for it there would be one and if I canceled then that would be the time I would've had 4-5 babies.

"Well, I wanted to be able to call you myself in person and tell you that you are free to go to the high risk doctor now."

"You mean I graduated?"

"Yes, and I have to tell you that we are all so excited for you. When we talked about you at our meeting this afternoon, everyone stood up and cheered for you!"

AHHH! They cheered for me! YAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYY!

"Well, I am gonna miss everyone there," I told her.

"Oh, don't. Just bring that baby in once all is over, okay?"

I am in awe. Next step done. Woohoo! Still not ready to make a truly public announcement as I need to see another good ultrasound just to be sure. So now we must decide on a hospital and doctor. I love my doctor in Adrian, but with 3 losses and a major emergency in my first pregnancy, the clinic has recommended that I go with a high risk specialist. They gave me a list of the doctors at U of M, but Shaun doesn't feel comfortable with being near Holden. I researched Maternal Fetal Medicine Specialists in the area and learned that Toledo Hospital's MFMs only consult with regular OBs, so we probably won't go there. And then the only closest place is St. Joseph's hospital in Ann Arbor. I had previously consulted with Dr. Bryant in 2008. I had planned to go with him, but he now has two other doctors in his practice. After research on them, I discovered that they both graduated from U of M and did there residencies there until 2003. I have scheduled a consultation with them on March 21. That is 13 days away! AHHHHH!

Anyone have any experience with Maternal Fetal Medicine in either Toledo or Ann Arbor and want to give a recommendation? And does anyone know how I tell my Adrian doctor that I am going to go with high risk care without hurting her feelings (we go to the same church as well and she already knows I am pregnant)?

Father God, I praise you that you allowed me to see a perfectly sized, living being within me. I thank you for letting me have peace today. I am incredibly blessed to be your daughter and I am so grateful you are letting me be a parent again. I pray for those who are still trying that they find the strength to continue and I pray that you give peace to those who are currently pregnant after loss that they will carry these babies to term. I am so in awe of your MIRACLE of Life. In Jesus' name, AMEN!

6 weeks, 4 days

Nervous. Worried. The confidence I had just a couple of days ago has slipped into the other side. I had no reason to fear the outcome of the first ultrasound in October and look at what happened there (couldn't find a heartbeat, then found one, and then came back a week later to learn the baby probably had died). I was confident and happy and just trying to live in the moment and appreciate that for that day I was pregnant and the baby although measuring small, had a heartbeat. Deep in my heart I knew that baby was not going to make it after that first ultrasound but I tried hard to have faith.

Today is similar. I am afraid to go into the appointment tomorrow as I know what the fetus is supposed to look like and what I am supposed to hear. I am afraid that they will tell me there are four embryos. What will I do then? Will I share with you all what I find? Will I have to selectively reduce? Will I survive this pregnancy?

I wonder if I should pull the plug on this blog. The publicity is getting to me. If I hadn't promised God that I would be open and honest on this blog when he asked me to write it, then I don't think any of you would know that I am currently pregnant. I would have kept it a secret until people began guessing from my growing belly that I was carrying life within me. I think the hardest part was when people I am not even friends with on facebook came to me at church yesterday to congratulate me. Shocked, I said, "we'll see." Folks, I don't share my news on here for the sake of gossip or exalting myself. This blog is fully intended to glorify the LORD. I will politely ask you to please direct people here to read the full story rather than "share the prayer request" with others. I am not confident that God will allow me to carry this pregnancy, and neither should you be, as he did not promise me that. I don't feel like a congratulations are in order, because frankly, the doctor said 75% survival rate. That is 25% chance of another miscarriage. REAL LIFE. I know this blog is public, but it has a much bigger purpose than announcing my pregnancy, I promise you that. I don't want my pregnancy to be public knowledge unless they've read this blog. And to be honest, I haven't told any of my family members except via this medium.

I also have endured listening to those well meaning people who keep telling me about your friends who couldn't get pregnant for years and just when they stopped worrying they got pregnant, or who say, don't you think it is great when you hear that God allowed so and so to get pregnant on her own after 10 years when she finally adopted. For you, I say, I am blessed beyond measure that God in his miraculous knowledge and skill as a Physician allowed me to get pregnant 4 times. He did so in 4 very distinct ways, but HE allowed it to happen. Whether or not I used medicine to enhance it has no bearing. Sure, I could have waited for the LORD to bless me on the natural timing, or I could get medication to heal my hormonal imbalances and start living my life sooner. Yes, I know there is a possibility that he could have allowed me to get pregnant on my own, but we know medically that was not likely to happen. Would you tell the person with diabetes that you know of a friend who just relaxed and their diabetes went away? No. That would be absurd, because surely, someone should go the the doctor and get insulin and exercise and eat healthy when they have a medical condition such as that. Diabetes is a condition in which there is a hormonal problem that their bodies do not produce enough insulin. Same with me, my body does not produce enough follicle stimulating hormone or estrogen and progesterone. I am in awe the God allowed me to MIRACULOUSLY become pregnant as much as I am in awe by when HE allowed my good friend who has a similar condition as me to become pregnant on her own and is due the same week as I am!! The LORD works in his own ways in each individual. If I were destined to remain barren, then the medicine would do nothing. God is in control of everything. No, I don't want to hear about your friend because I know that this is the right way for me.

There is still 24 more hours until I know some of the result of this pregnancy. But, these are still just steps in the right direction. We could have 33 more weeks of worrying, obsessing and wondering. I am praying for a healthy pregnancy with a low number of fetuses (one or two) and for a very uneventful pregnancy. Can you also pray with me as I choose my obstetrician and hospital in which I will deliver?

Thank you Jesus again for your MIRACLE of life. 4 times you have allowed me to carry life within me. The first naturally, and the others with medication. I pray that you allow me to bring this or these little one(s) home healthy, able and alive. I promise you that I will teach them to be God-honoring, people-loving, and productive Christian citizens of the world. I pray that you bless us again by giving us more than we are able to ask for or even imagine.

I continue to ask you to bless this blog and let it be a place where people see YOU. Where they learn about your ways and what it means to be faithful. I pray that you teach others about purpose, life and transparency in and through it. I ask for you to calm my heart and mind as I go through the next 24 hours and that you give me the peace that only you can give. I love you LORD and ask all these things and more in Jesus' name, AMEN!

6 weeks, 1 day

The wait is driving me crazy. When I was called by the nurse to arrange the ultrasound, she told me that March 6 was the date I could come in. Since it was a Sunday, she told me to pick either Friday or Monday. And before I chose, she suggested that I wait until Monday so as we could probably be able to hear a heartbeat by then. Everything in my being wanted to be able to come in Friday, but since my hubby is out of town today, I decided that Friday would not be good. He wanted to be able to be a part of the ultrasound experience. He wants to see just how many and how healthy each one is for himself. So, in keeping with that theme, allowing Shaun to attend, I also had to postpone it until Tuesday because he would be able to make up his clinical rotations better than missing his Monday morning classes.

So we wait.

4 more days.

4 long worrisome days.

Superstitiously, I think if I share with you what my inclinations are telling me then it won't come true. So, without sharing my full vision, I think this pregnancy is going to be great. I am excited and ready to face this head on. I have to say that 5 years ago this week I was having my 6 week postpartum checkup with my OB. We were discussing the safety of another pregnancy and how waiting 2 years to even try to get pregnant was her recommendation. At that point, I was devastated and confused. Of course I wasn't going to try again, I thought, EVER! That pain was too much to bear.

That fear enslaved me. It captured me then and held me hostage for 3-4 years. The fear I have now is incomparable to what it was then. I fear a life without children. I fear an existence that is self-absorbed. I fear the possibility of wasting what God has called me to do. I am in this moment, right now, to share with you what a blessing He is to me and how grateful I am because HE is my GOD!

Father, I thank you for all that you have shown me in the last 5 years. Sometimes it does take an unthinkable tragedy to remind us of how fragile life is, to teach us to be humble, to examine our faith and to recognize our own limitations. I thank you so much for my Ethan, my baby in June and little girl Plato that you allowed to be apart of our lives for a moment. And I thank you for whatever you have in store for us in this womb. I pray that you bless us, that you take care of the little one(s) in there and you give us a peace of mind on Tuesday and beyond. Please, if it is of your will, allow us to carry this pregnancy to term, to deliver as un-complicatedly as possible and to have health be a result for baby and myself. I pray that you show us favor in this pregnancy and that you guide our every step. I thank you for the friendships I have made because of this blog and I ask that you bless each of the readers in a tangible way. I pray for my TP sister who is about to deliver, that she is comforted and births her little girl without complications or fear. I pray for my other pregnant friends, that they remain healthy despite the flu and colds they encounter and that their little ones do as they are supposed to. I ask you to send a special blessing down today. Touch all of the little ones in the wombs and remind their parents to dedicate their little lives to you. In Jesus' name, AMEN!

5 weeks, 1 day

94 ....

That is the number of hours we spent without power. About two inches of ice fell on Sunday evening and caused major destruction in Lenawee county and surrounding areas. I was at work until 11pm when the storm began and didn't realize its devastation until I drove home. The power had blinked a couple times at my job, but because I work at a correctional facility, we have a giant generator to backup any outage. At 11pm, the power was still on at work. I started my car 20 minutes before the end of my shift and noticed the thick ice encasing it. I spent another twenty minutes scraping the thick stuff off my windshield and rear windows. It was like glass. I had to wear my sunglasses as safety goggles to protect my eyes from debris. I finally chipped away enough ice to drive away, albeit visibility was still poor.

The drive home was difficult. I had to back out of several roads as they were either impassable due to power lines down and/or trees covering the roadway. I passed through the downtown and there was no stoplights or streetlights working. I called my hubby on the way to let him know I was safe, but it was taking longer to get home, however the answering machine did not pick up. That is when I knew we were without power. Just as I was turning onto my street, Shaun called my cell phone.

"I pulled the car further into the driveway to avoid any branches falling on them. Make sure you pull yours in as far as you can too," he said.

I did. I noticed there were already branches from the neighbor's tree in our driveway. I shut off the car and could hear the cracking of the ice on the branches and the whooshing of the wind. My fingers were still frozen from digging at the ice on my car ten minutes earlier. I was worried about getting out of my car. I waited until I heard a lull in the wind and I made a break for the front door. As soon as I safely arrived in my house another branch came crashing. I looked out my window, and sure enough, it landed on the back of my car.

I usually go home and check my email and head to bed. This night I was completely without power, so Shaun and I listened to the storm as he studied for a test by candlelight. "You are not gonna have school tomorrow," I tell him. He shrugged and said he was going to be prepared for the test either way.

When we both couldn't seem to keep our eyes open anymore, we heard a loud crash in our backyard. Parts of the tree out back had fallen and took out the power line to our neighbor's house. So much so that it tore the service off the side of their home. That is when the fear crept in.

"I am not sleeping in the bedroom. There is a branch that hangs over our bedroom. What if it falls? That is just what I need. I finally get pregnant and I die in a winter storm due to falling branches. I can see the headlines now."

Shaun agreed that although he thought I was crazy, we better not sleep under that branch. We pulled our couched together in the livingroom to the innermost place in the house and attempted to sleep. It seems we slept for 20 minute stretches all throughout the night and each time were awaken to loud booms and crashes. At about 3:30am, we heard what sounded like the neighbor's tree had been completely uprooted (the one that branches had fallen into our driveway earlier). We cautiously looked out the window to discover that one of the largest branches on that tree had snapped and fallen, narrowly missing their rooftop, but obstructed their front door and the top branches scraping their vehicles in their driveway. About an hour later we heard another loud crash across the street and noticed the neighbor's tree in their back yard had fallen onto their Ford 150 truck, and by the looks of it, the truck appeared to have been moved a foot crookedly in their driveway. Every so often we heard crashes in the distance, but seemed nearby. We later learned that around our corner half of a tree broke off and fell onto a utility pole and snapped it in half, bringing down the dozen or so lines with it. A couple blocks behind our house and in front of my brother's apartment a utility pole snapped in half and crossed Maumee St.

We didn't sleep more than an hour that night and since Shaun went to school in Jackson, the school had not closed. He headed to class on the ice-covered roads with his carpooling buddy. It was Shaun's turn to drive, but our cars were not leaving our driveway and no one was going to be able to pass through our street from downed trees, so Shaun's buddy picked him up at the corner. They were 5 miles away from school when the teacher called them to tell them that he was canceling class due to lack of people showing up. Thankfully Shaun went with his friend that day, because that friend allowed us to borrow his generator. He was one of the fortunate ones in the county to still maintain power.

It was 54 degrees in my house when they hooked up the alternative power source. However, it was a small portable generator, so conservation of power was a must. We turned on the heat, some lights and refrigerator only 6 hours each day. I sneaked in some Facebook time while Shaun was enjoying using his chainsaw to chip away at the damage in our yard.

Thankfully, I had to work Monday 2nd shift. But when Shaun left me alone all throughout the day Tuesday without the generator on, I thought I was going to freeze to death. You see, I have a cold allergy. Whenever I get too cold, I have difficulty breathing and break out into itchy hives on my legs. It was at 51 degrees on Tuesday afternoon and I was starting to lose it. Scratching myself and starting to feel shortness of breath, I called my mother in law to warm up at her house. I spent the afternoon there, showering, doing laundry and hanging out with grandma, whose home was also without power. Shaun used generator on Tuesday evening and then I worked 3rd shift that night. However, I knew that I would not be able to sleep Wednesday morning freezing, so I slept on the couch at the in laws. The next two days passed by a little better. I had a routine so I would go to in laws to shower and spend the afternoon until Shaun came home. On Thursday, I decided that in order to stay warm I would do some housework. I knew I couldn't run the dishwasher or clothes washer, but I did some dusting, sweeping, organizing of bills, I worked on a Bible study that I neglected since October and generally didn't feel too bad about the outage. Even when Shaun came home last night and hooked up the generator, I felt ambitious and kept working. And then I checked the consumer's website to see when the next estimate for restoration would be and there it was. "There is no outage at this location."

I yelped. "Go outside and see if the neighbor's security light comes on when you walk by it." I told Shaun as I looked outside. I saw that her doorbell light was glowing. "I think we have power."

Shaun turned off the generator and switched to the main circuit. It was on. Hooray!

94 hours. Ugh. But, I learned to be appreciative of the little things. Like extra time in the day to be productive due to artificial lights. We all would be sleeping at 7pm if we didn't have electricity.

In the midst of this week, I was reminded by the tell tale signs that I am pregnant. The nausea. Seems like I feel the sickest between 3am and 9am. I lay in bed holding my belly and moaning. I think maybe I ate too much and maybe I didn't eat enough and oh my gosh I am gonna puke!! And super tired. Maybe the tiredness is from the chill in the air, but I am exhausted and this cutting out caffeine thing is for the birds. I had 4 cups of coffee plus 2 pops on my third shift and still fought the urge to doze off a few times. Don't think I can hack no caffeine. I am going to have to come to a happy medium.

I can't wait until March 8. Eleven more days. Hoping that we have healthy fetuses in there.

Father, thank you for providing for us through this actual storm this week. I have seen you first hand in your amazing natural realm. I love that you use weather as a way to prune trees. I hate that our civilization gets in the way. I pray that you continue to keep those who are still without power safe and warm. I pray that you allow the power companies employees to be safe and without incident, as well as the city workers, mail carriers, tree removal services, gas companies, cable companies, phone companies workers. It is a treacherous place to be but someone has got to do it in our civilized world. I ask that you keep people on the roads safe as we had another round of snow last night. Thank you so much for your provision. Oh, and keep these little ones safe in my womb. I pray all these things in Jesus' name, AMEN!!