Day 11 Ultrasound:
Right: 17mm, 15.5mm, 9.5mm, 9.5mm
Left: 20.5mm, 18mm, 18.5mm, 14.5mm, 10mm
I was shocked when Francie told me these numbers. She introduced me to the very tall man who walked in with her, "he will be a fellow with us in July!"
"I so hope I don't see you again in July. No offense, I have been coming here since last May, so if I do see you it may be for an IVF cycle, but I don't want to have to do that. But, after everything, I am considering it." I blurted out, not realizing that I told too much to a perfect stranger. He just smiled and said nothing.
That was when Francie told me the above numbers. "Looks like we have 4 mature follicles and a possible fifth! I had a patient who had one mature and a 15.5 and ended up with twins, so it is possible. Start thinking about selective reduction and what you are willing to do. They will probably have you trigger tonight and intercourse today, tomorrow and the next day, but don't do anything until the doctor calls this afternoon."
"You're not gonna believe this," I shout into the voice mail of my husband's cell phone, "They found F-I-V-E mature follicles!!! Get ready, baby, cause we are going for it!!"
I waited until 3:45pm at home, anxiously wondering about the conversation I was about to have with the doctor or nurse. What is selective reduction? I researched the internet, and didn't really like what I was seeing. Procedure at 12 weeks of certain fetuses by way of injecting potassium chloride into its heart. Yikes.
The doctor called and confirmed the above number of follicles. She said that the team had discussed this and felt comfortable with my triggering with Ovidrel that night, but she needed to discuss the risks with me. There is a 10-15% chance of higher order multiples, HOM (more than twins). The risks associated with HOM are higher miscarriage rate, higher premature delivery rate, bedrest, long NICU stays, pre-eclampsia and seizures, fetal demise, etc. She spoke with me about selective reduction and my thoughts on that. But, ultimately the team was leaving the decision up to me to move forward with this cycle by giving myself the Ovidrel or canceling this cycle altogether to avoid these risks. I asked her what she suggested if she were in my shoes. She basically told me that she was a worrier, and thinks that I am too. She also said, that if it were her, she would cancel because it would be too scary for her to endure, knowing all the possibilities of what could go wrong medically. And she said she remembered me telling her that whatever can go wrong with me usually does, so she wouldn't want to tempt fate. On the other hand, she knows that I have been trying a long time and it is hard on my body mentally and physically and she might give it a try because I wanted an end. But, really, she said, it is such a tough decision. She said she would support me in either choice as they are both the RIGHT choice. She said, if I choose to cancel, then undoubtedly it would have been the 10% chance of conceiving quads. But, if I choose to go ahead, then it will be the time I get one or two babies. Think positively, she said, as we don't want you stressing out about this. You don't have to decide now, just need to before 9pm so you can take your shot. she said, talk it over with your husband, and if you need to call and page me tonight to answer some more questions, I would be glad to take your call after hours.
We hung up and fifteen minutes later Shaun arrived home. At this point, I was shaking. He had not listened to my message yet, so I instructed him to do so first. His jaw dropped and he gave me a high five. We discussed everything that Dr. Marsh had counseled me on, and he said, "This is our chance. God promises that he won't give us any more than we can handle, so we will be able to make those decisions when they come. But, for now, our plan is to GET pregnant. This is it. What would you feel if you skipped this cycle and never got pregnant again? You would always wonder if this was the one. So, give yourself the shot, and let's get going!!"
His optimism baffles me. But, I couldn't shut my brain off of the 'what ifs'.
I now have more things to overcome...getting pregnant, miscarriage, multiples, risks associated with multiples, death. I finally just decided that I had to do it. I pushed the shot into my belly and cried and shook uncontrollably. IT IS SCARY! So, the deeds were done. If this means I have sealed my fate, then so be it. It's gonna be worth it, one way or another.
Father, thank you for trusting me enough to witness my testimony to others. At times, I feel overwhelmed by what you have given to me, and other times I feel so blessed that you have given me the gift of loss so that I can help others. You know the plans you have for me, and I trust that you will not give me anything more than I can bear and if so, you will provide a way through it. Like Daniel and his friends in the fire, I pray that you walk through the fire with me and protect me so that not a hair on my head is singed from the flames. You alone are my salvation and I trust you. I pray for those who are in their own places traveling similar and yet different journeys, that you give them HOPE, PEACE, and LOVE. I love you, Jesus. In Jesus' name, AMEN