Month 20, Cycle 17, Day 6
Shaun and I spent some time with his parents last night. We hadn't seen them or talked to them much since Christmas. They don't have the internet, so anything that happens with our fertility, they learn only from our sharing details with them. So, while we sat in the veteran's bar having tacos and beer, I didn't want to say, "hey, we tried again last month and failed once again, but we are trying again this month." It is tough enough to write out my feelings here on a public blog, but to be THAT vulnerable, that frank with two people who hurt similarly that we have trouble conceiving and losing babies is difficult to say the least.
So, somehow I forced a joke into the conversation about not having kids yet -- a way to get the giant elephant in the room that all was ignoring, a voice. Shaun's dad didn't catch the humor in my tone and said, "Well, I know you don't want me to talk about this, but my wife and I have been talking and we want you guys to know that we know that it might not happen and if you want to...you know...then we will accept them and love them just the same." I smiled and quickly changed the subject.
I am not sure how I feel about this. Essentially, Shaun's dad gave us permission to adopt, which means that their hope for us to have biological children is gone. We never wondered if they would accept an adopted child as Shaun's brother has an adopted child, foster children and biological children and we all love all of them just the same. Even the foster kids who were given back to their biological parents, we still feel love and acceptance for them. That has never been an issue. But, the fact that he has given up hope for our fertility hurts. Even when I, too, feel hopeless.
So, this has caused me to do some more research on what my choices are:
1-to pursue having a biological child through continued hybrid cycles (insurance covers the costs and I believe I am limited to these 2 last cycles for now)
2-to pursue having a biological child through IVF (approx. $15,000+ with a 30% success rate per tranfer, additional frozen transfers $3000 each)
3-to adopt through an agency (approx. $15,000+ with a much higher success rate)
4-to adopt through foster (approx. $2,000+ with a lower success rate and bio parents potentially having their child returned)
Sad fact remains that my husband is unemployed, about to not receive any benefits, has 15 months left of school to finish his program, and this year we will make 1/2 of what we made 2 years ago. So, the options requiring financial burdens are low on the priority at this time. We feel it is important to not have debt for any reason but our home. At this time, we have a mortgage, minimal student loans, a 4-6 month emergency fund, and two small retirement funds.
Once these hybrid cycles are done...42 days from now, then we have to make another decision. I am leaning toward IVF, because I can't bear being childless. I had never planned for any of my married life to not have children. I wanted to be pregnant from day 1! Because I knew that marriage was a compromise, I allowed a certain period of time to go by without begging Shaun for children, but once that time period passed, I was angry that he still wasn't willing to compromise. He enjoyed not having children, but it was devastating to me. So, I bullied him into trying. Once we were close the end of my pregnancy, almost 4 years after we were married, he decided that he was comfortable to become a dad. And then when our child died 5 days after his birth, that left me in a traumatically ill position, we just didn't want to think about having kids. The doctor advised waiting 2 years and we did. And then we needed to make absolutely sure that the trauma wouldn't be repeated. And still we weren't ready. One year later, and 7 years after marriage, we still hadn't had children and I was not happy. Life was about existing, only. So, I bullied my husband again and we learned quickly that I was infertile. The last year and a half have passed with two more losses and months of wasted fertility drugs. I cannot imagine my life without kids, because, in almost 9 years of marriage, nothing fulfills that emptiness that childlessness brings. And finally, Shaun is devastated by this. So, the option of remaining childless is only an option of INDECISION. I will not CHOOSE childlessness. It has, thus far, chosen me.
So, IVF? Fostering? Adoption? Anyone have any thoughts about these options? Help me consider all angles as I need to have a plan in place IF the next month and a half go by without success. I covet your thoughts.