I received the explanation of benefits from my insurance company and it indicated that I had a procedure code of 629.81. I knew that infertility was 628.9 for unspecified, but I never saw this number before, so naturally....I decided to search the internet for what this code represented.
And then...there it was...in black and white letters...A HABITUAL ABORTER.
Hmmmm...it makes it sound like I committed several crimes that would receive a stiff penalty. I can read it now, the headlines, "Woman from Michigan Sentenced to Prison for Habitually Aborting."
In my head, I know that the medical term for miscarriage is abortion. In my head, I know that habitual means more than once. In my head, I understand this phrase and make no judgements whatsoever about anyone else who has ever been given this diagnosis. But, I feel so guilty in my heart reading this.
I think I remember my mom telling me that she had several miscarriages. Specifically, I remember that my mom had a stillbirth when I was small. I remember that we named her Summer because she was the only sister I had. I remember that my mom told me about her experience bleeding profusely and having to have a D&C and the pathology revealed my mom was carrying a 3-4 month old female fetus. I don't remember her telling me much else, but after my mom died, she left me a bunch of letters that she had written to me when I was a little girl. This one read something like this: My dear Sunshine, you are 2 years old and I am watching you play in the livingroom. I just had a little baby who was too small, they call this a miscarriage to my face, but when I read the doctor's notes it said, "Spontaneous Abortion". I argued with my doctor, pleaded with him not to write abortion in my chart, but he insisted that this is what it was called. I will heal from this loss, but I hope that I will be able to give you some brothers or sisters some day..."
I feel that same sentiment that my mom wrote to me about, and much like many who have had miscarriages. I feel like I wanted this child so much that to label it an abortion is truly unfair to me. I never ever intended to give my unborn baby over to a vacuum or any other procedure to kill it. Abortion is just not what I want to be remembered by and yet, there it was...Habitual Aborter.
Thank the Lord that He knows my heart and my intention. I pray that He will bless me to no longer be known on diagnosis as 629.81, but instead as mother of several living children as a result of several of my full term healthy pregnancies!
Father, thank you for granting my request to be a mother in advance. I know you will provide. In Jesus' name, AMEN!