Sunday, October 11, 2009


Those of you who know me, know that I have experienced lots of loss in my twenties. My mom died when I was 20, my mother-in-law at 23, and my son, Ethan, at 26. These are only the major family deaths I have endured, not to mention the other losses of relationships, dreams, homes, jobs, etc. Anyway, now at 29 I am experiencing a new kind of loss -- infertility.

I cannot really call it infertility, I suppose, as I haven't actually been diagnosed. Nor have I been actively trying to conceive for a year or more. But, I am not ovulating and that trumps the trying. I cannot really confront this loss as a total loss, but as a temporary set back. I feel a bit out of touch. I feel unsure about all my dreams of raising a christian family. It just simply stinks that my sole intention for marriage was to have children, abundantly. And, here I am 7 years post wedding, and no physical children to show for it.
Yes, I know as many will say, I am still young. I have plenty of opportunity to create a family. "Why not consider adoption?" you will ask. "What about other options? In Vitro? Embryo transfer? Surrogacy? Fostering?"

Do you really think I have not thought about these options? Do you think that maybe if you suggest it somehow I might say, "yes, that is the answer. I have been waiting for someone to tell me that all along."

Truly, this road is so much more complex than finding the answer of how am I going to get a baby. Consider these scenarios related to their own various concerns:
Suppose I were able to get pregnant on my own --> miscarriage, stillbirth, complications, fetal or maternal death, etc.
Suppose I were to have infertility treatments (clomid, hormones, in vitro, embryo transfer) to get pregnant --> costs of treatments not covered by insurance, dilemma if I am "playing God", and all the pregnancy variables stated above.
Suppose I were to adopt --> cost not covered by insurance, risk of mother changing her mind, potential inability to bond with child, hubby would only like to adopt if all other options are completely unrealistic.
Suppose I were to foster --> cost of evaluations, risks of multiple losses and inability to protect child from future harm,
Suppose I were to have someone else carry and deliver my embryo --> cost not covered by insurance, is this moral?, will the surrogate want to give child back?

No mention in this list about my current dilemma which is the economy has threatened my job. I have a 50% chance to believe I will not be employed after July next year and will no longer have health insurance. My hubby's unemployment benefits will be exhausted then as well. I try to keep this as the last reason for not trying to get pregnant, but it weighs heavily on my mind.

So, I wait. I plan on calling a doctor on Monday about my not having a period on my own for a check up to see if it may be a serious condition. But, I am not sure about discussing further options. We will see.

In the meantime, last night I grieved. I grieved my mom and MIL's untimely deaths, and lamented over my son who had no chance to even breathe on his own. I grieved the loss of my dreams -- to raise a christian family. I wanted my children to spend their lives living a traditional way -- with grandmothers who doted on them and showed them love beyond anything anyone else can give them. I grieved having the chance to take my would be 3 year old son to halloween activities and other community festivals. I grieved my son being able look forward to his mother bringing him a baby from her belly to meet him in 9 months. I grieved fertility which equals youth in my brain. I feel so old. So out of touch. I grieve... I have done much grieving over my son's death in the three and a half years but only with the expectation that I would be able to have more children. I now wonder if that will ever happen.

Father, thank you again for allowing me to share my story. I know that in all things, you work together for the good of those who love you. I am no less committed to you when I grieve and I thank you that you allow me this human ability to love despite that it sometimes results in loss. You are holy and worthy and I love you more deeply when I know that you are in control. I pray for my sisters who are hurting that they are blessed in similar ways and that they see you in all their circumstances. I pray for your timing, your will, and your direction as I try to make sense of it all. In Jesus' name, Amen.


  1. Actually, I was thinking about you last night!
    I love you...I'm proud of your courage, your honesty, and your faith.
    I'm praying that you will soon enter a decade of blessing!
    Love, Martha

  2. Love you too. Thanks for reading. Hope you are doing well. Sunshine

  3. You are so strong Sunshine! Your time will come to be a mother. And you will be a wonderful one. I am sure of that.

    I can only imagine the roller coaster you are going through right now. I can completely identify with the pain of losing your mom. If you ever want to talk, I will listen.