22 weeks, 2 days

I am starting to really get anxious...and I don't mean all in the good way.

I had my 22 week appointment on Friday. I started the day off extremely nauseous. While I was getting ready to leave my house for the 45-50 minute drive to Ypsilanti to the doctor, my hair straightener was warming up in the bathroom and I was pouring my cereal for breakfast, I took one small bite and got this overwhelming feeling of YUCK! I was deep breathing to try to ward off the gag reflex as I made my way to the bathroom. It took me a few seconds to realize that I was getting hot and dizzy. I decided it was better for me to lay on the couch and remove some of my excess clothing -- it was a cool and misty day after all, so I was bundled with long jeans and a long sleeved shirt. As I lay there, breathing heavily and moaning, Shaun stared across the room at me in wonder. "Are you okay?"

"Um, no, I am gonna puke," I tell him.

"Do you want me to cancel the appointment? We are going to be late if we don't leave soon."

I thought about the anxiousness I had been feeling over the last week. I had been contracting a lot more than I thought I should, I had this scraping feeling near my pelvic area, and my friend's who work at St. Joe's just told me that the lead doctor in the practice was no longer apart of the practice and the helicopter service was being merged with another hospital. Plus, it had been a long 3 weeks since I had last seen the doctor. "No, don't cancel. If I am late and they don't let me in, then I will probably want to go to the hospital anyway, since I am feeling anxious about these contractions and excess movement I have been having. Give me a minute to sit up slowly and regain my composure and we can go."

The next few minutes I was certain that I wasn't going to be able to make the almost one hour drive without barfing, so I asked Shaun to find something to take with us for a vomit basin. He found a small waste basket from our computer room to lug along. Slowly, I got up, redressed myself and shut off my hair straightener before leaving.

I managed to will myself to drink the 16 ounces of water one hour before the appointment so the technologist could have a full bladder for my ultrasound. And luckily did not need to use the makeshift basin in the car. We arrived 7 minutes late, but the receptionist did not mention my tardiness, just signed me in as usual.

The ultrasound began and we saw once again our little boy who was growing as he should. The sonographer pointed out that he was a footling breech, which explained to me why it felt as though he was trying to dig his way out of my uterus. One of his feet are hanging down by my cervix and his head is up near my lungs.

Here are my notations for his growth at 22 weeks, 1 day:
Placenta: looking good along the back of the uterus
Heart Rate: 153 beats per minute
Cervical length: 3.1 mm (this is good as long as it is over 3 mm).
Head circumference: 19.55 cm
Head length (BPD): 5 cm
Femur length: 3.8 cm
Abdominal circumference: 16.9 cm
Amt. of amniotic fluid: plenty, we will begin measuring this starting the next ultrasound
Weight: 1 lb, 1 oz
Measuring due date: October 31, 2011 (within a week of the ovulation due date, so due date will remain the same -- October 27, 2011)
Mom weight: 139.8 (up 3.4 pounds from last visit...yuck, gotta get this under control)
Mom BP: 102/78
Mom Pulse: 90 (yep, still anxious and nauseous)
Mom O2: 99

I knew I was going to be meeting with Dr. K., the one doctor in the practice that I had not met with yet. She walked into the room with a bright smile on her face and introduced herself. She stated she had heard my name and knew about me but couldn't believe she had not met with me yet. I just started talking, telling her about my nausea and all the other things I had mentioned. Finally I slowed down and took a deep breath and asked her pointed questions.

Me: I have been contracting significantly these last few weeks, do you think I should be monitored?
Dr. K: Any time you want, call us and talk to us about your concerns, and we can send you to triage and have it checked out. It is okay to be anxious after your losses.
Me: Well, I live an hour away, so I don't want to come to triage for nothing. But, I felt my cervix a little lower this morning and it felt like it might have a fingertip opening to it.
Dr. K: Would you feel better if I checked you?
Me: Could you, please? Also, I heard that Dr. B. is gone. How will the office be restructured?
Dr. K: nothing you need to worry about. There will be a doctor on call and one in the office every week.
Me: So, you and Dr. W. will split the duties 50/50 now instead of 40/30/30 before?
Dr. K: yes, and we have a midwife you may see at your office visits sometimes, and we have another doctor in here who will work minimally, but you probably won't see him much.
Me: So, since you have heard about me, I guess you know my history pretty well.
Dr. K: Yes, I have read over everything you have provided to us, including your previous pregnancies and doctor reports regarding that, but don't want you to have to relive all the details of your losses by having to share it once again with me if you don't want to. But, if you want me to know anything more specific, I will let you share whatever it is you want to share with me.
Me: Good, and I don't need to share anything else right now, but may want to at future visits. If I have a bleeding emergency, will it be quicker to send a helicopter or for me to drive to St. Joe's.
Dr. K: Good question. But, you will need to go to your local hospital first even if you want a helicopter to pick you up, they won't pick you up at your home.
Me: I know, but my local hospital was not equipped to deal with my emergency even when I was admitted in the hospital the last time, so I would like to be transported somewhere I could get an anesthesiologist immediately.
Dr. K: Understandable, but think positively that you are not going to have an emergency this time. Do you think you need to take something for your anxiety? Like Zoloft?
Me: I have been doing okay with my anxiety and don't think I need meds. I just have been worried a little more this week.
Dr. K: well, let us know whatever we can do to help you get through this pregnancy. It is going to be okay and we are monitoring you so very closely and want you to be able to enjoy this time and feel okay about it. So, if you think you need meds, please let us know and tell us what you need to feel more comfortable. Speaking of which, have you talked with the other doctors about your delivery.
Me: Well, I was told I couldn't deliver until 39 weeks and that the safest way to do so was by c-section. What do you think?
Dr. K: I always think vaginal deliveries are best except when there is a possibility for uterine rupture from prior surgeries. Plus, you need to not go full term, so I would not recommend induction, but if you were to come in to the hospital at 5 cm dilated at say 35 weeks and you were strong into labor, then we would see how it goes and let you deliver, but at this point, I would suggest a c-section at 38 weeks. Is that ok?
Me: um...yes, ok by me.
Dr. K: good. Cause I just scheduled it for October 13, 2011 at 8am.
Me: um...hmmmmm....ok! Are you going to be the doctor on call that week and deliver me?
Dr. K: yes, that is me. And then you will see our new doctor on Friday morning rounds, but me for the most part. Is that ok?
Me: yep. Ok.
Dr. K: Now let's talk about the potential for gestational diabetes. What do you think about just taking a few random fasting blood sugars at home and a few random 1 hour after meals and tell me if you see any more than a couple highs or detect any patterns instead of having to drink the glucose and doing the 3 hour test again?
Me: Um...ok. But, my batteries in my glucometer are dead.
Dr. K: Well, get some new batteries, and we will give you a script for some test strips. Now, you don't have to do all the blood sugars, but just randomly test them and let us know at each visit what you did.
Me: Ok.
Dr. K: your ultrasound looks good, your cervix is high and closed tight, and I think you are doing great. Now, when would you like to come back again?
Me: When would you like me to?
Dr. K: Whenever will make you feel more confident and comfortable with this process and reduce your anxiety. Was 3-4 weeks too long between visits?
Me: yes.
Dr. K: Ok, then, what if we have you come in 2 weeks from now and do a nurse visit where she will check weight, blood pressure, baby's heart rate and answer any questions from you and if you need to see the doc, we will be right here. And then in 4 weeks you can come in and have a growth ultrasound and then see the doctor. You can alternate every 2 weeks between doc and nurse and then at 32 weeks we will be seeing you twice a week; one for ultrasound and one for NST. And we will deliver you at 38 weeks. But, if you say you can't stand it anymore at 36 weeks, then we will deliver you then, too. What do you think about that?
Me: Perfect.

The visit was over. I scheduled my nursing visit for July 7 and the next ultrasound for July 21. WOW!

I didn't tell the doctor this, but I had been secretly hoping that I would deliver on October 13. On that day, 11 years ago, was the day my mother died. Shaun thinks I am crazy superstitious, but whatever. I would like to honor my son by sharing with him that he was born on the day of his grandmother's death. I feel like this is a great thing as this would solidify this day as a day of happiness instead of a day of dread. However, when my mom died it was Friday the 13th, so I am ultimately glad that this year October 13th falls on a Thursday. :) Ok, Shaun, you are right. I have a little superstition. hehe. I do know that this is not a set in stone date. If for any health reason it is safer for baby boy to come sooner, I will not hesitate to have his birthday be in late September or before October 13. But, under no circumstances do I believe he will be born after this date. So, here it is. In 16 weeks or less, baby boy Plato #2 will arrive. And, I am anxiously awaiting his presence. Both nervously and courageously.

Father, I thank you so much for a very patient doctor who is willing to let me have a little sense of control over this pregnancy to feel confident in my ability to deal with it. I thank you for the changes that have been made in the office that at first seemed to be a burden on me, but has turned into a blessing. I thank you for giving me a glimpse of hope amidst the scariness of this pregnancy by infusing my mother's birth date to Heaven into the potential birth date of her grandson. I thank you that you are forever in control of all the circumstances and outcomes of this pregnancy and all the rest of everything.

I pray that you continue to provide solace and blessing to Shaun and me during the next 4 months and beyond and praise you for your provision with Shaun getting a job this week despite the threat of unemployment being depleted. I praise you that your perfect timing have been proven over and over again and I ask that you continue to astound me with your presence. I thank you and praise you every moment.

I pray Lord for my friend's babies that I blogged about earlier this month and ask that you continue to help them heal. But, praise you from the mountaintops that both of them are home and thriving!!! I pray that you continue to show yourself faithful and merciful to their families by giving them HOPE through your son Jesus and showing them miracles in their everyday advancements. Praise you for a job well done, once again, Great Physician.

I pray all this and much, much more in the mighty name of Jesus, AMEN!

20 weeks, 3 days

This past week has been emotionally draining. With a friend's newborn baby boy in the NICU after his surgery last week, and another friend's 2-month old baby girl having surgery a couple of days ago for the same rare disease, I was just about spent. I can't say that I am particularly close to either of these friends. We are acquaintances in the sense that we don't see each other regularly. In fact, I hadn't met with my first friend face to face since several years ago when she started attending a different church. And the other friend and I are bonded by the loss of our previous children, having met each other in a support group. So, Facebook has made it easier for me to be in contact with people I might not otherwise have a face to face relationship. And for this I am grateful, but will keep their names obscured for the sake of the parents privacy.

So, when baby girl was born 2 months prior, I visited her and her mom in the hospital a day after birth. She was so precious, but was having trouble feeding. Days later she was in the NICU and it was discovered she had a rare genetic disease affecting her bowels. She was able to go home within a week when she passed stool on her own, but the doctors knew that soon she would need surgery. I prayed for her and her family the entire week she was in the NICU until her mom was able to bring her home, happy and seemingly healthy.

And when baby boy was born two and 1/2 weeks ago, I was stunned that he too had difficulty with feeding and pooing. He was taken to the NICU and was determined to have the same rare genetic disorder, but was forced to have surgery that day. Immediately I was drawn to prayer. I lifted his little body up to the one who is the Great Physician, certain that He would heal him and bring him home to his mommy. It was the least I could do, I thought, as so many wonderful people had prayed for me during my time with Ethan in the NICU.

And when I asked my baby girl friend to pray for this family too, she gladly agreed and let me know she was meeting with the surgeon this week too.

On Wednesday, I received a message on my answering machine from a support group leader who was sharing with me that baby boy was having complications from surgery and would need to have more surgery. That call shook me to the core. I fell to my knees, begging, weeping, pleading with God to surround the family with his angels and give them peace as they underwent yet another trial. I could not stand to know that this family was enduring more than I thought they could bare. I had never interceded like that in my life. It felt as though God instructed me to pray, stabbing me in my heart, pulling at all my fears at once. The overwhelming need to cry and sob and beg and plead on their behalf took me over. I was in the moment, with God, and asking him to be all that they needed.

It was great to hear news that he had made it through the surgery ok, but sad to know that his recovery time was to be weeks.

The following day, I learned that baby girl was due to have the same surgery as baby boy had the week prior. Knowing what I knew about baby boy, I again interceded with the same intensity that I had previously with baby boy. It is so hard to do anything else. So I will pray. Baby girl's surgery went well and will have some more recovery time.

But, what I learned this past week is no one is exempt from these trials, babies are complex and God is amazing with timing. I cannot describe really how this timing all seemed to work together, but from the way I view it, it has been entirely too perfect. I cannot wait for the day I see baby girl and baby boy crawling and playing with one another, happy and healthy.

And so this week I wept. I wept for remembering my time with a baby in the NICU. I wept for the babies who underwent surgery and NICU stays. I wept for the moms and dads of these infants. I wept for those who are currently pregnant awaiting a healthy newborn. And I wept for those who are still surviving infertility. Yes, I haven't forgotten about you.

People have said that once I was pregnant and expecting I would forget all about the time and torture it took to get here. I assure you, I have not. 6 years ago I was pregnant with my first son. 5.5 years ago I delivered complicatedly my son and within 5 days he died. For two more years I was instructed not to get pregnant so as not to put more risk to me. For an additional 1.5 years we feared another pregnancy. Once we began trying, 6 months passed without a period. 6 additional months passed inducing a period with medications that made me wacky. One month after consulting with a fertility specialist, I achieved and miscarried a second pregnancy. 4 months and no pregnancy later, we decided to endure hormone shots and achieved pregnancy again, only to miscarry my baby girl 2 months later. And for the next grueling 3 months figured that our time to conceive and carry a child to term had ceased, only to find that we were finally expecting a healthy baby to arrive. I feel like I have been trying to have kids for 6 + years. This is the longest pregnancy in the history of the world, it seems. I cannot forget the countless hours I prayed for and wished for and pined for a healthy baby and even though I carry one in my womb, I know too well the hundreds of things that could go wrong. I know too many people who continue to have trials despite surviving others. So, I remember you, my infertility sisters who are still on the journey to achieve pregnancy and I applaud you for still trying. Don't give up and keep trusting that the God who loves you will provide! If he put that desire in your heart, he will fulfill it. BELIEVE IT!!

I close today with a prayer for my NICU babies and for my infertility friends: Father, I pray for baby boy and baby girl who continue in their recovery period after surgery this past week. I pray that you bring peace to the families, strength to the infants and a complete full recovery of them both. I pray for your provision of the other details surrounding the other family members and ask that you be present with them at all times. I pray also for my infertility sisters that you give them glimpses of what you are trying to do within them to bring them the family the so desire. Give them wisdom, good doctors and perseverance despite years of trying. I pray that they achieve pregnancy soon. I pray all this and more in the mighty name of JESUS! AMEN!

19 weeks, 1 day

Oh, the joy of pregnancy. I adore it. Life within me. It is especially affirming when I think I know that baby is kicking daily and the back is up against this side or the head is pounding on my pelvic bone, etc., and then the ultrasound confirms my thoughts. I am in LOVE.

Yesterday was our BIG ultrasound. Thanks to my losing Ethan, I am blessed with many ultrasounds this pregnancy, but this was the main one. The one that proves health and all body structures present and the presence or not of a penis!

My husband was able to get out of a couple of hours of clinicals to go with me. The appointment was in the late afternoon. It has been super important for us to know the gender of the baby so we could finally talk about names. For some reason, Shaun refuses to discuss serious names if he is unsure of the sex.

The day was beautiful. The sun shone bright amidst a clear blue sky with a light breeze. After an hour's drive to the doctor, we proudly walked in the office. There were several visibly pregnant women there, all waiting on ultrasounds as well. Since this is a high risk office, there is no measuring tape to guess baby's size. Every one has a more accurate ultrasound to assess baby's health.

We met Francie, a distinctly different ultrasound tech from the Francie at the U of M fertility office, but her namesake nonetheless. This dark haired lady hurried me onto the table and dug in with her probe. With my notepad in tow, I asked her to please explain what she was seeing and share with me the details. My list looks like this:

u/s sonographer: Francie
measuring: 19 weeks, 1 day
weight: 275 grams
Placenta: looks good, homogeneous, no clots or sub-chorionic hematomas
Umb. Cord: insertion is good, 3 vessels all flowing
heart rate: 144 beats per minute
Heart: 4 chambers, valves operational
Right and left ovaries: both 2.4 mm, back to normal size
cervical length: 3.5cm (perfectly normal)
anything unusual? Nothing found
10 fingers, 10 toes: YES!
head circumference: 16.22 cm
head diameter: 4.21 cm
femur length: 2.94 cm
abdominal circumference: 14.12 cm
Presence of 2 kidneys, kidney arteries, lungs, amniotic fluid, arms, legs, and a PENIS!!

We were so excited. All in all the ultrasound took 35 minutes. As soon as she revealed the sex, she had me leave the room to empty my bladder so she could see my cervix as baby's head was stuck down there. She turned the lights on, and Shaun was grinning. Probably the biggest grin I have ever seen. Similar to the grin I saw him have when he held Ethan for the first time. Even though we knew at that time that it was 90% likely he would die, Shaun smiled proudly for the camera. I knew he wanted a boy. Almost as much as I wanted a girl. I smiled, too, and said, "well, I guess we are having more kids." I thought if I got a girl, then maybe I would be done with this roller coaster of infertility and pregnancy. I guess not.

The rest of the ultrasound continued and then it was time for the doctor appointment. Luckily I brought with me a copy of a website detailing the exact sizes everything should be so I could compare notes. Every single thing was right on the button. Not a single measurement was off by a couple of mm. Shaun took note that baby's upper lip seemed to be sticking out as far as his nose, "He's gonna be able to stick his tongue out and touch his nose like his mama!" Not something I am currently proud of, but I do have an uncanny ability to do this. Hehe!

I only gained 2 pounds from the last visit 4 weeks ago and that brings my total weight gain to 12 pounds since ovulation day....136.4. Yikes. I finally admitted it. My goal is to stay under 150. That was my starting weight with Ethan's pregnancy. I was much more of a chunkier girl then, and I worked hard for 5 years to bring my weight down, don't want to ruin it now. Blood pressure is low: 100/62 and doctor seems to think I will be getting dizzy over the next few weeks as my blood pressure may drop even lower. She is confident that everything is going great and recommended that I visit her again in 3 weeks. So, next ultrasound and appointment will be June 24 @ 10am!!!

I am so blessed. I wrote in my notebook as we sat in the waiting room in between the ultrasound and the doctor . . . SO OBSESSED WITH THIS LITTLE BOY!

Father, Thank you so much for a calm visit, a healthy baby and a beautiful dream coming true in our 2nd son. We are beyond blessed and ask that you continue to bless this pregnancy. Give us the strength to endure the next 20 weeks, and to bring home this healthy robust young boy to his EARTHLY home!

I pray for my friends who have just given birth, that you continue to show them how much of a blessing they have received. I also pray fervently for baby Sutton who is undergoing surgery at this moment for a bowel obstruction. At only one week old, I beg that you keep him safe, make him healthy and pull him through surgery with your tender loving arms and place him back in his mother's arms. I pray that you allow him to heal quickly so he may go home with his mama as early as next week.

Thank you so much for the blessing of friendship and for so many people you have placed into my life to mentor, to learn from and to love. We ask all this in Jesus' name, AMEN!

16 weeks, 0 days

I cannot believe how time has gone by. And, I am super-duper excited about Baby Plato. She/he is fluttering a little that I notice a couple of times a week. I can't wait for the daily movements to come. Ah, the life of having life within me. Pregnancy makes me feel younger while infertility continued to make me feel older.

This week was Mother's Day. All in all, it was a good day for me, I don't yet consider pregnancy being a mom for me to be honored, so no celebrations took place. Since my mother died in October of 2000, I have not really celebrated this day. Shaun's mom died in July 2003 and so neither of us hold any special significance to this day. In 2005, I barely knew I was pregnant with Ethan and was experiencing bleeding so I didn't think to call myself a mom that day either. And then after he died in 2006, that Mom's day was the worst.

I remember a couple of weeks leading up to it when I was having counseling with one of the pastor's at my church. I noticed the Projection board in the corner of the room with the dates on it and there it was. "Y'all are doing a baby dedication on Mother's Day?" I asked him, annoyed, seeing as though they had never done a baby dedication day in this church as long as I had attended for 4 years.

"Well, so far," he said, "that is the tentative plan."

I looked at Shaun who was sitting silently next to me on the soft plush couch and threw gritted teeth proclaimed, "we are NOT going to go that day!"

My pastor assured me that God was okay with me skipping out on church that day. He recognized that I was in the Anger stage of Grief and needed to set boundaries with certain situations in life. "Over the next year you are going to experience life differently than what you had expected and that is sure to cause you more grief. Give yourself permission to go and cry throughout the whole thing if you want, or stay home and cry too. Anything you choose to do will be the right option for you. But, remember, you will eventually have to face this. You probably don't want to skip Mother's Day every year, do you?"

That sounded like a good plan at the time. Why shouldn't I skip it every year? I don't have moms and I don't have kids. And, at that time, I wasn't planning on EVER having children. It was too scary that I could stare death right in the face again. If it's gonna make me cry each time, I thought, then why bother?

Those next few weeks slowly passed by. Shaun and I discussed whether to go or not to go all the time. The anticipation of it was driving me insane. I finally decided the day before that I would go. I can't hide from my grief and tiny purpose moms told me that usually the anticipation of the event is usually worse than the event itself.

We arrived at the church and I was sad when no one wished me a Happy Mother's Day. Didn't I in fact give birth to an 8 pound, 9 ounce baby boy just 4 short months earlier? But, since my delivery was church wide public knowledge, I knew they were just trying to spare me of being sad. We learned from the church bulletin that the baby dedication was postponed for another couple of weeks and wouldn't be held at the same time as regular church. What a relief, I thought.

The sermon was on What Makes a mother's day? It was tough to listen to. I wrote in my notes, I wonder if I can even have any more kids. I wonder if God thought I wouldn't make a good mom. I wonder if my body will ever get back to normal. I don't remember the details of what the pastor taught, but I remember the prayer.

I was so excited that I made it through the entire service without crying. That was my hope for the day. And then the prayer just before dismissal.

Pastor asked us all to bow our heads to pray and then he invited all the moms, to be moms, and grandmoms to stand up. I was comfortable with my decision to sit. I didn't feel like a mom. I had earned no right to be honored in that way. And when I didn't stand, two women sitting behind me put their hands on my shoulders. Just having the touch me showed me that they acknowledged that I was in that room, hiding from my thoughts, painfully enduring the worst year of my life. And the tears. Would. Not. Stop. I will never forget those two ladies and their kind gesture. And as I write about them, my eyes are filling with tears even now, 5 years later.

Once I gained my composure, I left the auditorium and was greeted by a woman I met and knew only during Ethan's short life. She had come into the hospitals and prayed over both of us for each of the five days we were there. That mother's day, she gave me a gift, telling me that even though I do not have my child here with me, I birthed him after nine long months of pregnancy and she was recognizing that I was a mom, too.

Later that evening, I was asked to speak at my cousin's wedding coming up the next week. I agreed and he and his fiancee had left an envelope with the passage in it. I opened it up and it was a dedication to their mothers. It said something like, nothing is greater in this world than to hold your child against your chest and feel his/her warm skin against yours and watch the tenderness of your child sleeping, etc., etc.

I was appalled! I cried some more even when I thought, surely there are no more tears to cry after having cried all day. And moments later my cousin's fiancee called to see if I got the passage. "Is this a sick joke?" I asked her, almost yelling. "You know that my baby just died and it is mother's day. Do you really think I should be the one to read this at your wedding? I cannot believe you would do this to me. No! I will not speak at your wedding." And I hung up.

Although, I now know that there was no bad intention, it was just terrible timing and a terrible oversight on her part. I cried and yelled and screamed the rest of that night. Too bad my cousin had to deal with his fiancee's reaction to my overreaction, because in her eyes, I was ruining her wedding day. To me, they were desecrating my first mother's day without my son.

The rest of the mother's days after that have been a blur. I knew what to expect and just rolled with the fact, that I know that I am a mom, but others may not recognize me. That's ok to me, most of the time.

So, at 16 weeks pregnant, and having lost 3 babies total, I didn't feel comfortable proclaiming that I was a mom. Because if I end up losing this child, next year, I will not be able to again claim to be a mom. So, once this baby girl/boy is in my arms, breathing, full term and healthy, then I can call myself mom.

If you are a Tiny Purpose mom, I hope you had a gentle Mother's Day. And if you want to share a story here about how your day went, I would love to read it. And look back here to a post about becoming a mother.

Father, I thank you that you are wise enough to know that our emotions are ever changing and that you love us no matter what mood we are in. I praise you that you continue to breathe life into my little one's heart and I ask that you keep him/her safe until delivery day in October.

I pray for my friends who are following this journey, whether they are TP moms, are infertility buddies, are pregnant friends, are male lurkers or female followers. I ask that you bless them, continue to help them to see you through their circumstances and that you love them the same as you do me. I pray that you continue to keep me honest while writing this blog, so that you are glorified. In Jesus' name, AMEN!

15 weeks, 0 days

Time has flown by these last few weeks. I have been meaning to update all of you but the fatigue is kicking my behind. Plus I am still feeling a little nauseous!

Last week, when I was 14 weeks, 1 day I had an ultrasound. Unfortunately, the doctor was called out on an emergency, so I didn't get to talk to a doc, but that is why I got to come in today for a meeting with him. My scan went wonderfully. Baby is looking great, growing as he/she should be and heartbeat is strong and 158 beats per minute. It measured 8.58cm and that is a couple of days ahead of what should be and my cervix is the right length at 3.44 cm. I asked about my placenta and it appears to be growing normally along the right side and back of uterus with no potential weak spots visible. My left ovary is still enlarged and has multiple follicles on it, but they are decreasing in size. I asked the tech to make an educated guess about gender but she would not, saying that she feels she must be 99% sure of it before she says anything and at this age, no one can be that sure. I am so relieved that I made it through the first trimester without any problems. The doctor says I am out of the woods for an early loss and thinks that I still have only a 3-4% chance of placental abruption throughout the entire pregnancy. WHEW!!!Aww! Look how cute she/he is! I am in love already!!!! That white mark above her/his head is the baby waving...yep that is the hand! Hi there baby Plato~!

My weight has increased by 10 pounds since before pregnancy and I expressed my concern. The nurse didn't think this was a big deal but offered for me to speak with the dietitian. I accepted. Today I spoke with her and she set me on a plan that would be similar to if I in fact has gestational diabetes. I think I was doing fairly well anyway, but she gave me some materials and plans to follow which will make it easier when I want to eat more than I should. At least I will know that I am getting enough food for the baby without causing me grief. The dietitian reported that it was refreshing to her to see someone concerned about weight gain in pregnancy because she finds that most women don't seem to care and some even come in saying they've gained 70-80 pounds.

After the dietary consult, I was able to have a checkup with the doctor. Again my BP was low, 98/52 and the nurse listened to the fetal heart tones instead of ultrasound. 160-165 and she let me listen to it for a good 60 second. Smiling, she said, "isn't that the greatest sound in the world?!" I smiled back saying, "More than you know, after two years of trying, two miscarriages and 5 years after the death of my newborn."

Once the doctor came in, he said that my Nuchal Translucency results were negative. I have a very low chance for Down's or Trisomy 18, 1:26,000 for Down's and 1:14,000 for Tri 18. YAY! He explained that all is looking good and sent me on my way. I will have my next appointment June 2 at 2:40pm and that will be our anatomy ultrasound. I will know if he/she is one or the other! I cannot wait. I am not sure how I will be able to go 4 weeks without hearing little one's heartbeat, but I am hoping I can start to feel something more regularly soon. Oh, by the way, I am feeling the flutters a couple times a week now. Especially when I wake up on my belly. Must be he/she is trying to wake me up and tell me to get back on my side. It is so uncomfortable in my bed. And, I get my new, super-soft, (and medium soft on Shaun's side), King sized bed delivered tomorrow! I am so excited to spread out and be comfortable in my bed.

Anyway, being 15 weeks brings a bit of a relief to me. I got passed the first hurdle of loss. And I feel fairly confident that I can bring a live, healthy, term newborn home in 5 1/2 months. It seems so strange that everything is going well. I expected to have such adversity after all that I have been through. I wonder when the fear will return. I thought I would be so scared of a subsequent pregnancy. So far, I feel carefree. I am once again in awe of how God creates life within a human. It is utterly amazing when I look at the ultrasound pics and think that is my child I helped to create along with my husband and the LORD. I feel assured in God's provision and trust His plan. I am not a victim of my circumstance, I am a survivor of horrific things. I am here and I am able to tell about it. Oh, how I long to share success with all of you in months to come. Oh, praise His NAME!

Father, I thank you so much for continued good news at each visit. I pray that you continue to bless my child and me and give us strength to withstand this pregnancy. I pray for continued health and favor among us. Help me to show others who YOU are through this period in life and teach me to follow your ways.

I pray for my friends and family members who are pregnant. I pray for the one who is experiencing pain in her back and ask that you heal it with minimal intervention, so she can enjoy the pregnancy and do it again some day. I pray for the one who is also 15 weeks that her Gestational Diabetes is taken care of by diet and exercise alone, with no more need for medical intervention. I pray that her heart is healed too as she sometimes fears another loss. I pray for the one who is due in a couple of months, that she will have a swift, painless delivery and her little guy will be healthy. I pray for my friend who just found out she is having a little girl that her pregnancy continues to go smoothly! For all my other pregnant friends I pray for blessing. And for those still trying, or grieving the loss of their babies, I pray that you fill them with your love, your grace and your spirit. I ask all these things and more in JESUS' name, AMEN!

12 weeks, 3 days

"Turn right at the driveway before the stoplight, it will have a sign that says, 'Arbor Circle,'" I tell Shaun as we pull up closer to the doctor office. It had been a long one-hour drive and I was nervous. I barely spoke the entire ride, wondering if I would go in the office and not be able to detect the heartbeat as I had in November with my little girl. The only times I did speak was when I begged Shaun to slow down and not tailgate the cars in front of him.

"This one?" he asks as he was driving too quickly to make the turn.

"Nevermind..." I tell him thinking that he was just going to pass the turn and we would just enter the parking lot from a different direction. But, Shaun crazily spun the steering wheel into the direction of the parking lot and I screamed! The wheels skidded across the gravel on the shoulder of the opposite side of the driveway and the car missed the red fire hydrant by a few inches of the driver's side door, as I anxiously looked at the four foot deep ditch we narrowly avoided rolling into. The car stalled out moments before the large metal sign indicating this was our entrance was right in front of our grill.

"Is this it?" Shaun asked. I didn't answer him as I was in shock. I could feel my pulse throbbing out of my neck and I had a lump in my throat. My nerves were more than a little now, I was at my peak. I slammed the car door and speed walked to the office.

Once back in the exam room I waited for the doctor. The male doctor entered and we talked about some of my history again and I asked him what his recommendation was. He told me that he would recommend that even though a normal pregnant woman would be seen every other week starting at 32 weeks, he would like me to come in twice a week. We would do a ultrasound on the first visit that week and then a non-stress test the second visit each week. We would continue to do that checking to be sure all is going ok, that the placenta is fully intact and if all goes well, we would schedule a c-section at 39 weeks. I asked him if I would be considered normal until 32 weeks, and then he told me that he recommends that I get an ultrasound every 4 weeks until then. So, I will have an ultrasound today, then 18 weeks, then 22, then 26, then 30, then 32 and each additional week thereafter. After listening to my history and knowing how much anxiety I have, he decided that he would also like me to come in for another ultrasound two weeks from now for peace of mind. He was very attentive and listened to me and sounded as though he believed that everything was going to go well.

And then came the ultrasound. This little one was quite somber and still, so I worried that something was wrong, and then the sonographer showed me the baby's strong heartbeat -- 161 beats per minute! This test was to check for genetic abnorm-alities that are incompatible with life and down's syndrome. The baby had a nasal bone (good thing, since down's syndrome baby's usually don't at this stage) and the baby's fluid at the back of its neck was 1.37 cm which is right where it is supposed to be. The heart looked good, the legs and arms looked normal, its placenta looked good and the baby measured 12 weeks, 3 days. The baby was 5.83 cm long and looked just perfect to me. I had to have a blood draw to make a final conclusion about whether or not this baby has signs of abnormalities and will get that result in the mail sometime this week.

Shaun and I went to Once Upon a Child afterward to buy a couple maternity clothes and then went home.

Father, thank you again for blessing us with our fourth child to love, to raise and to cherish. We thank you for the way you intricately weave together this 2.5 inch being with all parts intact. I praise you Lord for it all. I ask that you continue to bless us as we continue to journey this path to parenthood. Give me the grace to extend grace to my husband, who didn't try to kill us, but almost did. I pray that you help me to show him that I love him and appreciate him. In Jesus' name, AMEN!

10 weeks, 6 days

WOW! Almost through the first trimester. This is starting to get exciting. However, the fear is still there that things will change in an instant.

Last Monday, when I was 9 weeks, 4 days, I had a nursing appointment at my high risk specialist's group. While there, they interviewed me and recorded all the pertinent information about my medical history, about my previous pregnancies and took a real good history. Unfortunately for me, the weekend prior to this, I had was exposed to someone who broke out in a real fine red raised rash. I didn't think anything of it until I decided to Google it. Yikes. Looked like something bad, like fifth disease or the measles. Long story short, the girl was diagnosed with a viral rash. No one took the time to diagnose it further, but both measles and fifth disease are viral rashes and potentially fatal to the fetus if I were to contract it. I spent the weekend sanitizing my hands, cleaning surfaces and staying away from this person, but I had already been exposed. I let the nurse at the appointment know and she suggested that I get a test done to see if I have any immunity to the fifth disease. If I did get the virus or do not have immunity, then they will be doing serial ultrasounds to be sure the fetus was growing properly.

After an hour of combing through detail after detail about my history, and having been given a new book about Pregnancy and a folder's work of reading material about St. Joe's, the appointment was over. The nurse stood up and was ready to whisk me out the door.

"Would you mind if we could listen to the baby?" I asked, as sweetly as I could be.
"I don't mind, but being that you are only 9 weeks, I don't want you to get upset if we can't hear the heartbeat with the doppler. It is still very early."
I nodded, but secretly was planning the conversation I would have when we didn't hear the heartbeat and begging for an ultrasound.

The nurse went into another room and retrieved the doppler and had me lay flat on a lazy boy chair and pressed the microphone into the top my pubic bone. She heard my heartbeat and wiggled the instrument around and there it was...my little ones very fast 160 beats per minute heartbeat!! I grinned and said thank you and left the room. I was waiting for the test results to come back from my prenatal panel and 1 hour glucose test and they would call me when they came in.

An hour or more later, the nurse called to say that all of my results were normal and where they needed to be except that I still do not have immunity to Rubella. I told this nurse that I had just received a vaccine for this in 2006 after Ethan's birth for the same reason. She said that some people do not build up much immunity, but I would still need to get another vaccine after this birth. AND, the one hour glucose test came back slightly elevated, so I would need to do the 3 hour test. They wanted my number to be under 135, but instead it was 147. I was assuming I would be gestational diabetic, so having to do the 3 hour test did not surprise me. I was to load on carbs for 3 days and then fast 8-12 hours and have the test done fasting, then drink 100g glucola and then take draws at every hour after that. If my results come back high for any 2 of the 4 tests then gestational diabetes it is. I scheduled my test for Monday April 4.

And so I loaded on carbs. Candy bars, ice cream, breads, chex mix, tortilla chips, etc. I hadn't enjoyed this kind of food in years. Since before I had been pregnant with Ethan and discovered I was insulin resistant. I had been dieting fairly well since then in hopes that I would lessen the chance of developing Type 2 diabetes prematurely.

And then on Monday, at 10 weeks 4 days, I had my test. I was sooooo thirsty and tired for the 4 hours I sat at the hospital waiting that I was confident that I was experiencing high sugar reactions. And then the test results came back yesterday.

TEST My result What it should be

Fasting 80 <95
1 hour 142 <180
2 hour 142 <155
3 hour 120 <140

I was in SHOCK! I must have said, "wow" like 100 times when the nurse called me as I was so certain that I would fail miserably. But, no. I did not fail even a single test!!! Other than the fact that I have had 3 losses, this pregnancy is not complicated or high risk at this point!!! I will have to retake the 3 hour test at approximately 24-26 weeks as that is when normal pregnant women start to have more difficulty, but I will take another 14-16 weeks of unrestricted dieting and worry! I am so excited. It makes me realize that it is possible that this pregnancy might work. I feel so much better. With Ethan I spotted on and off the entire first trimester. Looking back now, I am certain that was our first indication of something wrong with the placenta. This pregnancy has presented so much different than my previous ones and I am feeling more and more confident each day.

I know it is very early to begin feeling movements, but I swear I feel the flutters in my low abdomen. Even if it isn't sweet baby Plato, I am so excited to think that this is what is soon to come. I have a doctor appointment on April 15 at 10am. There, we will get another ultrasound as I will be just over 12 weeks pregnant. This ultrasound is a screening test to see if there are any soft markers for spinal cord problems, downs syndrome or other genetic disorders that may be cause for additional monitoring and care of the fetus. We will also have our first prenatal visit with the doctor.

Is this really happening? Am I dreaming? Is my chance to finally be a mom honing in? In the midst of all this I have been reading. Mostly pregnancy books, but my pastor recommended I read the book, Choose to Cheat by Andy Stanley. While I was in the waiting room during my 4 hour test I started and finished this book. I had been complaining about my job interfering with my ability to balance my social life with my husband, my family and my friends. This book challenged me to rethink how I was approaching my job. It encourages people to not spend so much time at work and come home early, etc, yet I found it difficult when I work a shift schedule with little flexibility. Due to my husband's job loss 2.5 years ago, and his subsequent decision to go to college, I have been the sole breadwinner of the family. I gladly took on this role to see my husband pursue a passion within him to become a medical professional. But, now, as his unemployment is finally about to run out, I am becoming a hoarder. We have saved his severance pay in preparation for this time and I worked long hours to save even more money to prepare for this time, but now that the time has come, I don't want to use my savings on this time. Why not work harder and longer and save the savings for a vacation or a car or a down payment on a bigger home, I thought? And then I read this book. I am cheating my family by choosing to work more to have more. So, my critical decision is this. Instead of working all the holidays that I usually work and receive double time and a half's pay, I am going to take the day off and just receive a holiday pay. I am going to quit complaining about not being able to spend time with my family because I work and instead spend time with them because I chose to take a day off. I am going to enjoy taking some of my vacation days this summer and spend time with my nieces and nephews poolside, instead of feeling sorry for myself for missing out on summer because I have to work. And then even though I will need time off for my maternity leave, I am not going to feel guilty if I do not have enough sick/vacation days saved up to pay me during that time. I will just use my savings if necessary. And I will trust that God will know what we need and provide for us just as He always has! After I first read this book on Monday, I thought, this is a nice concept, but just doesn't work for me where I am right now. And then on Tuesday, after prayer about what it could help me in, I had the revelation that I should make this critical decision. AND, not only did I decide this, I filled out time off slips for all of the holidays until the end of 2011, and attached a note to my supervisor explaining my obvious insanity. Those of you struggling with this balance, choose to read this book. It is worth it. Thanks, Pastor Scott.

Anyway, I am hopeful, excited and optimistic. I have 5 other books that I am in process of reading and have more to share with you in another post. But, for now, I leave you as I always do, in prayer.

Father, thank you so much for the series of events that lead up to receiving this book and causing me to make a freeing decision. I had not known that I trusted in money more than You when I began reading it, as I do all the right things with my finances according to how You outline it in the Bible. But, Father, I believe that I will not miss my time at my job, but miss the opportunities with my kids, my husband, my friends and my extended family members once I am in my final days. I thank you for once again giving me clear instructions for living when I can sometimes wonder the relevance of old testament stories to current times.

I pray for my friend who just delivered her baby girl this past weekend that you kept her healthy, safe and free from serious complications in delivery. I pray for this baby girl as she continues to grow and heal and be a blessing to her parents and others. "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1 says and I am faithfully believing that you will continue to bless my pregnancy and continue to give me confidence and hope for a future. I pray for the 3 other friends I have who are due around the same time as me that their little bundles are safe and sound and healthy as can be. I ask that you bless those who read this and give them a sense of peace in and around the situations that they may be facing. I love you Jesus and can't thank you enough for your love, mercy and provision. In Jesus' name, AMEN!