32 weeks, 3 days

I cannot believe the anxiety and excitement and yet PEACE I feel all at the same time.  Maybe I am just always a mess when it comes to identifying one feeling, as it seems as if I write about this trichotomy a lot in my blog.  But, it is a real and necessary part of my journey.  [trichotomy: division into three parts, especially the theological division of man’s nature into the body, the soul, and the spirit.]

My ANXIETY:  Will I make it to my scheduled c-section?  Or will my body decide that I need another surprise?  Will I have any more complications?  Does my few high readings of lunch time blood sugars indicate gestational diabetes?  If so, does it really make too much of a difference if I have a couple of highs here and there, or do I need to be more proactive in my diet because it increases my risk of stillbirth and macrosomia?  Is this sharp tearing pain in my upper right abdomen a torn muscle?  Baby's foot in the ribs?  An early indicator of placental abruption?  A result of my poor posture due to increased frontal weight shift?  Do I have everything for the baby after he is born?  Do I have a day care provider available when I need one?  Is this person a good fit for our family?  Will I have to quit my job so I can be a stay at home mom?  Do I want to quit my job?  Can I stand the thought of separating from my baby?  Will I choose a competent and caring pediatrician?  Am I trying to control way too much of what is ultimately out of my control?  Will my husband get the necessary time off of school and work so he can help me while I am in the hospital and afterward?  Will I have complications during delivery?  What if I start to freak out the day before my surgery?  What if my job lays me off?  What if they lay me off just before I have the baby and then I won't have medical insurance?  How will we be able to afford a baby, a car payment, a mortgage, Shaun's tuition?  How long will I be able to get off of work?  What if I can't breastfeed?  What happens if I have to have a hysterectomy?  Will I resent that I was never able to have a girl?  What happens if my spinal doesn't take?  What if my anxiety overwhelms me so much that I can't possibly think straight?  What if my hubby isn't able to alleviate my anxiety in the delivery room?  Will I feel some of the surgery like my SIL said she felt hers?  Will I have a heart attack like my cousin did?  Will I lose yet another baby Plato?  Is God pleased with how I have let others peer into my life and thoughts or does He think I am still selfish and controlling?  Will He love me even through this crazy cycle I put myself through before I pray?

My EXCITEMENT:  I am beeeeeeeeeeeYOND excited to meet my little man.  And I hope that he is just as excited as I am.  I delight in his rhythmic beats of his little feet in my belly.  I love to see his body parts peek out from the roundness of my skin.  If I weren't so modest, I would wear a bikini top all the time and just stare at the wonder of what he is doing inside of me.  I tickle the skin and gently wake him up so he knows his mama is thinking about him.  He bunches up inside of me and then we play a game.  I love to poke one part in my belly and then stop.  My little boy then tries to kick my hand.  I tickle or prod a different area and he moves his body in relationship to mine.  It's like a game of hide and seek.  Sometimes I am not sure who started it!  My discovery of his tiny body parts; knees, toes, bottom, back is so much fun.  I try to grab the parts and tell him, "I got your toes!"  [Ok, I know I am a dork, but I LOVE THIS!!]  Today in church we were singing You Are God.  The country style song isn't really my kind of tune, but the part where it says, "Life flows from God, it flows from God," was just touching my heart today.  I was tearing because of my love for my son.  So far I have been indifferent standoffish unsure about how I feel about this child.  I wanted him so badly, but feeling love for him was a kinda foreign thought for me.  Maybe it was my mind guarding itself, but today I FEEL LOVE!  Love that only flows from God.  Because Life FLOWS from God.  After all this 2.5 years of trying to get pregnant, losing 2 more babies and now expectantly waiting for his arrival, I know that as much as I wanted to control it all, MY GOD controls the universe and each individual connection within in.  I am so stinking excited to look at his little body, count his fingers and toes, peer into his eyes, sniff his baby fresh skin, cuddle with him in my arms, share my life with him, teach him to be a good man and share the love of the LORD with him.  Although, I gotta tell you that I think he has a thing or two to share with me about our LORD. ;)  I cannot wait to meet him.  39 days.  YAYYYYYY!

My PEACE:  It comes from God alone.  Just look at the sample of the crazy list of questions I worry about all the time.  It has to come from God because in all that I worry about, I feel confident that the LORD will complete this pregnancy journey with a wonderful outcome.  I feel calm most of the time.  The hourly contractions I have been having are but a small inconvenience to me instead of a fearfully trying time.  The pain in my abdomen is but an ache in the back instead of dread that I will be rushed to the hospital.  The worry last week about child care was alleviated when I prayed for His guidance over this issue and He provided (a story will follow in the coming weeks/months...God's timing is AMAZING!!!)  I just feel a great sense of PEACE that all is right in the world.  I know that God will will be done.  And I trust Him.  Period. 

I am hoping that this 5.5 weeks goes by quickly enough so I don't have to experience any more crazy cycles of the anxiety, slow enough so I can enjoy the anticipation and excitement and peaceful enough so I can trust in the journey to do it again! 


Father, I thank you for the opposing and yet real relationship between these feelings and the ability to communicate them with others.  I pray that you bless all who read this and give them a sense of your LOVE, your PEACE, and your provision.  I know, God, that I cannot live this life apart from you and ask that you forgive my shortcomings and moments where I think my way is better than yours.  I pray that you continue to bless my family and myself and give me the wisdom and courage to boldly examine my choices and decisions as you allow me the opportunity to raise one of your own.  Keep me in your arms and teach me to be a great parent and to minister to your people in the midst of my own busy life.  In Jesus name, I pray, AMEN!