Month 16, Cycle 14, Day 1

Good evening, ladies (and gentleman who dare to travel this journey with me)! I bring you news that once again I am not pregnant. No need for a test to prove it. Auntie dearest arrived and has been a pain in the tummy since early this morning.

All is not lost, however. I am decidedly in a good mood. I am glad that I can move on again into a new cycle. This one is planned to be that much more intense and strategically more effective. I am confident that the LORD is in control of all things and that despite what I obviously lacked in knowing, HE has shown himself worthy over and over again. The plan according to Doctor Randolph at U of M is to come in on day 3 to check my ovaries for cysts or anything unusual. Once that is established, then I will take Femara days 3-7. On day 7, I will give myself a shot of Gonal-f (follicle stimulating hormone) and give myself shots each evening until day 10. On day 10 I will have another ultrasound and blood test and the doctor will call me to tell me to take another shot and for how much dosage and how many days. I will probably have another ultrasound on day 12 and every two days until my eggs are ripe, giving myself a shot each day as directed. Once ripe, the doc will instruct me to give myself the Ovidrel (hcg) and I will ovulate within 36-40 hours of that. Then wait until time to get Aunt Flo or positive pregnancy test. Sounds like 20-30% chance of viable pregnancy with this treatment, I think. I will ask for clarity for my personal situation on Friday. Let's say I am more optimistic.

But, I have to say that the further along in treatment I get, the more I convince myself of how unethical or immoral this may be. So, I have ordered 2 books online regarding grieving infertility and the christian perspective on infertility -- Longing for a Child: Devotions of Hope for your Journey Through Infertility by Kathe Wunnenburg AND The Infertility Companion: Hope and Help for Couples Facing Infertility (Christian Medical Association) by Sandra Glahn. I cannot wait to get these in the mail and begin reading about this issue. For some reason, I was just denying that I am infertile. I was believing in faith that this was just a minor delay in getting my child to earth, but I know that just like any other loss, I must go through the grief journey to accept what is happening to me. Denial is the usual first stage and although I talked about myself as battling infertility, I really didn't see me as an infertile being. Partly because I have birthed a child. Surely one cannot be infertile if they have born a human being into this world, I thought? So, another stage is bargaining. I have been in and out of that for several months, begging God to allow me to have just one little live bambino. I have been in and out of the anger stage, why me? What are you thinking allowing imbeciles who abort their babies to get pregnant, and not me, I would think? I am angry each month my cycle begins. And now, depression. These last few days I have felt utterly hopeless in my journey. I am coming up to close to quitting time and I am just so sad to admit defeat. So, I am not yet ready to accept that I am indeed forever infertile, but I have accepted it enough to be willing to learn more about it, and to overcome my extreme fear of needles and stick myself several times in hopes to one day soon to caress the skin of my little one and watch him/her grow into a respectable adult.

Did I mention my extreme fear of needles before this? Oh, I have stories. How about the one where I had asthma and allergies real bad and was referred to a specialist? Well, I knew that they would need to do some testing and I prepared for some scrapes on my skin. I was comfortable with that. But, then the nurse came in with 40 SYRINGES!!! (Mind you, I am 23 years old at the time.) I cried like a BABY! NO way was I letting someone stick 40 needles into my skin one by one on purpose! With my permission?! No way. I protested and asked for the doctor immediately. He continued to plead with me to do it and I simply refused. He shared that my disease was progressing and he would not be able to properly treat me if I did not. I told him I didn't care and I was leaving. I agreed to take the allergy shot once a week that he was able to treat me with and left it at that. It took me 3 months of forming relationship with my nurse before I would allow them to do the 40 needle test AND, I made her do it, even though she normally didn't administer the testing. I refused to allow anyone to give me shots but her until I was pregnant. Then I was told I had gestational diabetes and may need to give myself shots. I completely and utterly refused then. So badly so that I was diagnosed in my 1st trimester and when I asked the nurse if she thought I was going to have to give shots and she said yes, I told her that if she thought it would come to it, that I was willing to terminate the pregnancy because I was that deathly afraid of needles ( I KNOW. I regret saying this for sure!!). Thankfully I didn't have to give myself shots for diabetes. I hated shots so much that I planned on a completely needle free delivery and even asked the doctor to waive the requirement that I have an IV placed unless it was absolutely necessary. I learned lamaze and other techniques to deliver au natural! Even after I learned that I would have a C-section I asked for more demerol so I wouldn't care about getting the spinal in my back to deliver. AND, when I was anemic and so very sick in the hospital after having Ethan, I knew I had to have blood transfusions and tests and did the minimum required and enacted my own policies...if the lab tech was unable to get the vein on the first try, then the test would not be performed. Each tech was given this instruction very carefully before ever attempting...needless to say, some tests were not performed, at the anguish of the tech and doctor. ANYWAY, this is all to say that I have overcome my fear of needles and am so desperate to have a child that I am willing to stick myself over and over again to give myself the best possible chance.

Tonight my prayer is silent. I will pray for many things, but I am asking you to pray as well. Pray for the babies who are born to unstable families. Pray for them to be cradled by the LORD and that they are given so many opportunities to meet him, to be taken care of by others and for their families to be healed. Pray for adoptions all over the world to be what is best for the little ones and for adopted families to be rewarded for their deeds. Pray for pregnancies in the world that are threatened medically, that the mothers are comforted and that people are there to support mom and baby no matter what the outcomes are. Pray for peace. Even if it is just peace for one moment. Peace of mind. Peace in your heart. Peace in my heart. Pray for those who are blessed that they continue to be a blessing to others. Pray for the families who are enduring childhood cancers, or deaths or other debilitating circumstances. Pray for those who are grieving. Pray for those who are just existing. Just remember to pray. Father, I love you. In Jesus' name, AMEN!