Month 18, Cycle 15, Day 5 & Surgical details

Titling this post with another cycle is difficult. I can't believe that I have been trying for a year and a half without sufficient success. But, here we go again. This cycle is going to be completely natural. In the past that means it could take 90 days to get it going, if it comes at all. But, for now, I will do nothing by way of medication to control this cycle. I have a consultation with my fertility specialist on December 1, to discuss recurrent loss and questions that I have about the whole miscarriage thing. If any of you have significant questions, feel free to send them to me as I may not think of everything.

Shaun and I have talked and just feel like we need a break. At least get through the holidays without any medication. I feel sorry for him. I don't know about the rest of you who have had miscarriages, but for me the chemical pregnancy wasn't as devastating. I was just so excited after 1 year of trying that I was successful and knew that the clinic was the way to go. I didn't really grieve except when I couldn't get pregnant after that. But, this loss blindsided me. Shaun was so very excited about FINALLY becoming parents again and he invested his whole heart. It hurts knowing that my body continues to disappoint him. He tells me that he is just so happy that through all our losses that I have survived. Ethan's loss was so traumatic on my body and we just didn't know if I was gonna make it for weeks as my blood had trouble clotting. And so, even though it broke our hearts that Ethan died, we were just so very thankful that God spared my life. So, when it took 4 years for Shaun to finally feel safe enough to let me get pregnant again and both times have resulted in loss and because of our past trauma we were devastated by this loss, and yet the overwhelming fear that trauma was going to happen to me next was just too much. I have sobbed over both this loss and coming to grips with fear. And although I know that this grief journey is not over, I feel great to know that I am not in fear for my life since this surgery yesterday. So a break is definitely what we need.

But, I printed off a basal body temperature chart and reset my fertility monitor because really, we do not want to become pregnant this month. The doctor has asked us to at least wait until my beta hCG is at 0. I have to have weekly tests done to be sure that the pregnancy hormone is completely out of my body. If it doesn't go down, that can indicate that still I have tissue left and if I were to become pregnant this tissue could somehow cause problems for the other fetus, and we wouldn't be able to tell if the hCG is from the last pregnancy or the current one. So, doing the fertility monitor and charting my temp is really for family planning. We are restricted from intercourse for 2 weeks, but we have been restricted for several weeks before that, so as discretely as possible, you all know what I am thinking!!

Anyway. The surgery went off exactly as it was planned. I listened to my ipod filled with great worship music of the contemporary christian variety on the 45 minute ride from Adrian. We arrived in the office at 9am, and I wore my Tiny Purpose hoodie in memory of Ethan and Baby Plato. It felt good to be comforted and share with whoever saw it that my heart was right there. On a side note, when I ordered this hoodie a few months ago, I debated on adding the baby Plato as I said before that the chemical pregnancy wasn't as terrible of a loss, but now I am so thankful that I did just so I could honor this little one. None of the staff mentioned it to me, but EVERYONE in the office, doctors, medical assistants, nurses, receptionists, stood behind me at one time or another and if it got them talking around the office that day I wouldn't be surprised.

So, when I arrived in the waiting room the receptionist gave me a key to a locker and my hospital bracelet and I sat down doing a crossword puzzle. The doctor came out into the lobby to get some coffee and with a pouty lip, he asked, "are you ok?" I told him, "a little nervous, but so much better than yesterday." He smiled tenderly and said, "this will be all taken care of in just a few minutes, and I will make sure everything goes well." This was all in front of other patients. I didn't mind, but I sure felt bad for them. I don't know why they were there, and I don't know if they knew why I was there, but I still felt nervous for them. A few moments later, only enough time for me to solve 4 questions on my crossword puzzle, a medical assistant came out and had me give a weight and then we were in the changing room. Shaun got to wear a "marshmallow suit" as he called it. Basically a fibrous zip up suit that covered his enter body except his shoes and head and hands. On his head a surgical cap and on his feet surgical covers. I wore a hospital gown and cap and foot covers. We locked our things in a locker and I went into the treatment room. After being hooked up to heart monitors, pulse ox on my finger, blood pressure cuff and and IV, I decide one more set of wires from my ipod was too much. I had them playing contemporary christian music on Pandora. They covered me with LOTS of warm blankets and were so very kind. I kept reminding them of my medical history; c-section scar, uterine atony, DIC for 4 days after c-section, asthma, etc. They continued to remind me that this was so very much different than what I had gone through before but would remember what I had said.

Moments later, the medicine went in and a felt pushed back in this reclining chair. It calmed me and relaxed me so well and then they pushed it to table position and put my legs in stirrups. The medicine wasn't so strong that I don't remember anything, but it was strong enough that I couldn't keep my eyes open. I remember the needle to numb my cervix hurt. It was pinching and I could feel the pain inside me, and I yelled ouch a few times. Then that was over. I remember telling the staff that Shaun sometimes get queasy with blood and to watch him. He chuckled and said he was fine. I could hear everything around me but had to ask Shaun what happened later. He said it was a very long syringe that that had a plunger they pulled out and then they pressed a button to suck the tissue out. They had to empty it twice into a silver bowl full of saline. There was an abdominal ultrasound at the same time to make sure the didn't puncture anything and to be sure that they got all the tissue out. And then it was over. No need to dilate my cervix as the medication on Monday already had. And no metal curette was needed. They put my legs down and lifted my body back to a slightly higher elevation and the doctor touched my leg and said, "this is all over, everything went well, we will send this off to pathology and see if it shows us anything. I noticed that you have a consultation with me in two weeks, but the pathology will not be back by then. But, we can still talk. I feel confident that we know exactly how to get you pregnant, and it will happen for you. But, take this time to have a break, regroup and deal with this loss. I am sorry. But, everything went well. Good job." He said good job to Shaun and shook his hand. And, so recovery began. It took about 30 minutes for me to safely come to a seated position without feeling too dizzy. I got up and got dressed and came out to get discharge instructions and although I was really tired and a little dizzy, we walked out of the clinic by 10:45am.

I was so hungry and thirsty, that I couldn't wait to go home to eat. The doctor had suggested I get Panera Bread while I was in surgery. But, we saw Old Country Buffet and thought that was better. So, we ate. And then I slept most of the ride home, with my earbuds in praising my father for a successful surgery.

I slept off and on most of the afternoon and then I had energy. I hadn't had any energy in months. And so I cleaned. And then I got tired, and sat on the couch, and continued to clean and alternatively relaxed. About 5pm, I received a beautiful flower arrangement from Tiny Purpose. It was a little bunch of wildflowers set in a antique white box with a lid open. It was the size of two decks of cards next to one another but this box was exactly the color of the casket I laid my son Ethan to rest in. And looking at it, I would have been able to fit the gestational sac and fetus into this box. This is our baby's casket. So very fitting. For many of you, you may think this is morbid, but surprisingly, this brought so much comfort to me. I have very few tangible memories of this baby, so I will keep this box, and I will put the ultrasound pic of when this child had a heartbeat in it and this will be Baby Plato's keepsake treasure box. Thank you so much Tiny Purpose.

Father, thank you so much for keeping me safe yesterday and throughout the last few weeks. I pray that I can continue to keep my eyes on you and trust in your plan even when they don't seem to mesh with mine. I love you Lord and pray that my fervor to love and share you with my friends and family never ends. I praise you for a speedy recovery and help in the next few months as we figure out your plan for us. Thank you so much for our huge support system we have. Bless each one of them for their faithfulness in trusting in You. In Jesus' name, AMEN.