Sad day

Today we saw our pregnancy fading away. Two weeks ago, I saw a slightly underdeveloped pea sized fetus with a heartbeat of 120. Last week, we saw little growth and no heartbeat. This morning, we saw the yolk sac that was breaking up and no fetus or heart. This is what is called in the medical field, a missed abortion. My baby did not develop after the 6-7th week and my body is not expelling it as of yet, two or three weeks later.

Here is the plan. I work throughout the weekend, so if I don't miscarry on my own by Monday night, then I will take Cytotec which will open my cervix and I should start to bleed within 2-3 hours. If this does not induce the miscarriage, then the next day I will take it again and hope that it works. If it does work, then I should bleed and cramp heavily for 5-6 hours and have a period like bleed after that. If it doesn't work, then I will need to have a MVA procedure to remove the products of conception.

Please pray that I will miscarry naturally or via medication as I do NOT want to have this procedure done. It is too much like doing an abortion and I can't have that on my conscience with everything else that is going on.

I asked about recurrent loss and the doctor wants me to come in to talk to my primary RE and possibly have a workup on genetic karotypes to see if that is what is causing all my losses. I haven't decided as of now what we will do. I don't know if I can take another loss. Today, I hurt. It feels like it is too much. I fear bleeding to death again. The doctor assured me that the amount of blood loss will be nowhere near the amount that I had during my pregnancy with a placental abruption. But, just to make me feel better, he gave me his personal cell phone number so I can call him at any time I feel scared or worried about what is happening.

Does anyone have any details to past miscarriage stories that can help me know what to expect? Please share them here, or send them privately to my email...srplato@yahoo.com. I am scared to death about what will happen from here.

Father, today I feel so let down. Today I feel betrayed. I know that you don't show your love only through blessing but I have to say that because I do not have children that you call a reward, I feel like you are withholding your blessing from me. I pray that you change my heart and give me the opportunity to love, raise and hold a child of my own. Or change my heart about having a family. This heartache is just too much. Father, Psalm 126:5-6 says "those who sow in tears will reap with shouts of joy. Though one goes along weeping, carrying the bag of seed, he will surely come back with shouts of joy carrying his sheaves." Lord, you have allowed me to carry 3 seeds. Allow me soon to bring home the harvest of sheaves. In Jesus' name, AMEN!