The tide comes in again

Discouraged. Disappointed. Increasingly more anxious. Month 20, Cycle 17, Day 2.

I feel less than hopeful today. I had assumed for over a week that this was a dud cycle. My temperatures were low, my breasts were normal, my eating habits were the same. I started to get irritated at things early this week and when I began spotting slightly on Wednesday, I assumed that my period would come shortly. But, on Friday when I still hadn't gotten a flow, I called my doctor. You see, I am supposed to have a day 3 ultrasound each hybrid cycle and if I were to start my period Friday or Saturday, then I wouldn't be able to schedule the ultrasound, so I wanted to know what to do. Before calling the doctor I took a pregnancy test. It was surely negative, but when I turned it at just the right angle, I could see a faint line which may have meant I was faintly pregnant. I told the nurse this when I called and she said I could have my blood test done on Friday, if I wanted, but they wouldn't call me with results until Monday. Or wait to see if I get a period over the weekend and if not, take a blood test on Monday. Well, I decided that I didn't want to know if I had another chemical pregnancy, so I would wait until Monday to take a test. Hence, why I haven't posted anything on the blog yet.

Saturday afternoon, after a very intense few days of crying, pleading, disappointing emotions, I began my flow. I am somewhat relieved to know that I can start again and yet, I don't want any part of it. I feel like I am on a timeline. I have 46 days to prove that my body can get pregnant on these fertility drugs or else I will never have children of my own. I don't know how true this is, but I feel "less than hopeful." I know that the doctors said they were very hopeful that I would be pregnant in these 3 months, but when I asked what if I am not, then they told me that the next step is IVF. Unless there is a miraculous bounty of money to befall us, we will not be able to fund IVF and even then it is not guaranteed. So, we will put "all our eggs" into these next 46 days.

5 years ago today, I buried my son. It was a very cold day in 2006, much like today and my husband was the lone paul bearer of his casket. With pride, he carried his only son and laid him on an altar above his final resting place.

Today, I would be 34 weeks pregnant if I had carried my first chemical pregnancy I lost in June. I would be awaiting a couple weeks until I were to have my c-section.

Today, I would be 19 weeks pregnant with my daughter I miscarried. I would be close to her ultrasound in which I would learn that she was in fact a little girl.

I am heartbroken again. And need to find another little bit of strength left in me to keep trying. Less than hopeful.

Father, thank you for your love. You are the one constant in my life. When everything around me is empty, changing and unsure, you remain. I no longer want my life remembered as the one who has endured much loss, but rather the one who was redeemed for the losses she endured. Please, I ask you to give me some life. I pray that you continue to give me hope for my future that with children or without, you will help me to fulfill my god given abilities. Only you know what they truly are, as I am baffled once again. In Jesus Name, AMEN.