The Journey

Spitting Image

2011-11-21T19:23:00.007-05:00

Wow! Motherhood is a couple of full time jobs!! I can't believe how much this little guy needs all the time, and yet sleeps all the time, too. I am overwhelmed by nursing that takes over every two hours of every day. I am exhausted by the lack of sleep and endless wandering the open spaces of our small home, pacing to keep the little one from crying once I sit down. I am certain that I am wearing a path by my scuffling across the hardwood floors. I have little time to remember to eat and shower, let alone write a blog. So, without making too many excuses, I say that I am a new mom learning this new role and simply have not had a chance to update this blog as I would like. But, I have been mentally writing this post for weeks.

From the moment I learned I was having a boy this pregnancy, I wondered if he would resemble my Ethan. I didn't think too much of it because of course they would be full blooded brothers and most certainly would look somewhat similar. But, when I saw my little boy and really looked him over good, I was in awe. This child is the spitting image of his late brother, Ethan. Aside from hair color and an entire pound weight difference at birth (Ethan was 8#9, and Liam was 7#9), the two could be twins. I shared this sentiment with all of you before and continue to share with people when they ask who Liam looks like; he looks exactly like his handsome daddy and is a spitting image of his brother.

While I was in the hospital, I did not have my photo album of Ethan handy to compare and quite frankly was drugged and sleep deprived too much to really care to compare. But, when we came home from the hospital and I had time to think a little more clearly, I began to investigate this further.

"Shaun, don't you think Liam looks like Ethan?" I asked when Liam was a week old and while Shaun was holding his 7 pound body chest to chest.

"Well, they are brothers, so yeah, I guess, a little."

"I am serious. They look so much alike," I tell him as I get the photo album that contains hundreds of photos of our firstborn, despite the five short days of his life. "Look here," I point to the poloroid taken moments after Ethan's birth. "Can you see it now?"

I was leaning over the arm of the overstuffed chair my husband was sitting in, displaying the album next to him. Shaun turned his head and seemed upset. I hadn't meant to upset him, I just thought it was so cool how the boys looked so much alike. He handed me the baby, while I watched tears stream down his face, "I can't do this," he squeaked out.

Shaun left the room. I felt bad. I certainly had grieved and mourned and allowed God to heal my heart over the last 5 and 3/4 years since Ethan had lived and died. And, I thought my husband had too. We spent many hours in counseling, many hours in prayer, and many hours analyzing our grief process. I hadn't imagined that looking at Ethan's picture would illicit such an emotional response from my 6'4", 255 pound mostly stoic macho man.

A few minutes later, Shaun returned to the living room and picked the album up. "I am sorry I left the room," he said, "but, it just occurred to me that I am doing something I was never able to do with Ethan. We were never able to bring Ethan home and see him grow up, and now we are going to watch what we have been missing out on for so long."

He was right, and I reminded him of what our pastor who had counseled us so many years ago had said, "you can grieve and mourn and try to get over what you have lost, but there will still be moments and times you will be blindsided. And you will have to grieve again as a situation comes about that you haven't experienced before, like the birth of a subsequent baby."

We looked through the photo album together, sitting in the overstuffed chair side by side with Liam, our second-born son, snuggled against my chest. They both bore their mother's unattached earlobes and ears. They both had the same "Plato" forehead. They both had the same shaped face, complete with Shaun's nose, brow bone, eyelids, and unique lip structure. Our two sons have the same long fingers and toes, and a broad puffed out chest. Both have daddy's long healthy fingernails and a curly little toe. Ethan's hair was a light brown with red tint, while Liam has long dark brown hair, but on the top when the light hits it just right a bit of auburn shines through. It's uncanny to me the resemblance. Both of them have tense shoulders like their mom, and Ethan didn't even have any central nervous control! We looked through the album remembering what once was and what might have been and then looked at our little living breathing son we got to take home and fell even more in love. Our God truly was proving that He was in control and was redeeming our loss. We are humbly blessed. Thank you, Jesus.

I don't think these pics do it justice, but here is a glimpse: Ethan's first pic is in the middle, and Liam is on the top and bottom. I also have another pic of Ethan in my profile if you want to try to compare for yourselves. You all may not be able to see it, but trust me...SPITTING IMAGE!!

Sometimes the sleep deprivation gets to me at the 3:30am feedings. I find myself nodding off and then look down at the profile of Liam, lying on a boppy pillow, sleeping in my arms. At least twice I have been transported to the moments before Ethan's death. We knew we had to let Ethan die by removing him from life support, but wanted our friends and family to say goodbye first. That day dragged on and when Shaun's dad was the last person to hold him, just shy of 11pm, Ethan's color turned blue and his pulse ox was declining quickly. The nurse rushed in and said that he was about to die and asked me if I wanted to hold him while he did. I immediately traded places with the grandpa and everyone except Shaun and I were in the private room. Ethan felt so nice in arms, curled up in the fetal position, with his head facing my chest, and while I rubbed his cheeks with my hand. It took about 20 minutes for Ethan's heart to stop beating, even though the tubes were still intact. I caressed him and sobbed as he drifted out of my arms and into the Lord's.

I found myself back into the present with my living son, Liam in my arms, curled up in the fetal position, with his head facing my chest, while I rubbed his cheeks with my hand. The tears dripped from my eyes. I miss my Ethan. I miss the baby he was and the potential he had. I miss the person he was to become. Sometimes it stings and sometimes it burns and sometimes I cry. Yes, I have grieved and mourned and moved on, but there are time when you can't grieve unless you have been there. I wonder how many other situations I am going to find myself in missing my boy who died in my arms.

Thank you Lord for blessing me with a son who looks an awful lot like his brother. I praise you that we all are fearfully and wonderfully made and that you knit us all together in our mother's wombs. I praise you that you are a God of redemption, of finding what was once lost, of restoring what was once broken and healing what was once hurt. I ask you Lord to continue to show me glimpses of your glory by revealing these sorts of things to me at the perfect times. I ask that you continue to bless us, so that we may be a blessing to others. I ask for peace for our souls and our families. I ask that you bless the women reading this blog that are currently pregnant after loss and awaiting news of a healthy baby. I pray that you reach out to them, give them peace and strength and hope for the future. I KNOW it is hard to think about what the positive outcome will be, but I ask you Lord to show them something to let them endure the rest of their pregnancies and births without fear. I ask all this and so much more, in Jesus' name, AMEN!

Delivery Day!!!

2011-10-29T16:19:00.009-04:00

The birth of Liam Alexander Plato 10.13.11: In memory of his brother
Ethan Amari Plato 1.14.06 - 1.19.06

On Thursday, October 13, 2011, I woke up early and prepared for what should be the most life-changing day of my existence. Fearful at some level, but overjoyed at another to meet my little man I have been growing for 38 weeks, I showered, dressed myself, and applied makeup to my face. It was the day I had been longing for since I was in high school, and most recently since I had to send my firstborn son, Ethan, back to Heaven, 5 and 3/4 years ago. I was over packed for my 3-4 day stay in the hospital: a diaper bag full of newborn and 0-3 month sized clothes (I wasn't sure what he might fit in), a large suitcase full of maternity nightgowns and some options for clothing to go home in (I wasn't sure what I might fit in...hehe), a boppy pillow, a manual breast pump, a small suitcase filled with Shaun's clothes, a toiletry bag, a bag full of magazines, books, breastfeeding manuals and other reading material I thought I might have time to catch up on (ha! what was I thinking???!!!), a blanket and a pillow for my hubby, and my aromatherapy to help alleviate some of my anxiety.

We drove the 45 minute drive to the hospital and arrived almost two hours early as requested by the nurse who called the night before to give me pre-operation instructions. I was quickly taken back to the OR recovery room and asked to put on a hospital gown and was hooked up to the contraction and baby heart rate monitors. Shaun had the lavender in a plastic bag, which was for me to smell when I felt anxious. And the peppermint oil in another plastic bag for me to smell when I felt nauseous. I did a lot of deep breathing of hospital air, lavender and peppermint oil. The nurse asked me a lot of questions about my histories, my medication, my current pregnancy and other get to know me questions. Once she was completed with my questions, she inserted an IV, and my doctor came to talk to me. My surgery was scheduled for 12:15pm and it was now 11:30am.

Dr. W. sat at the edge of my bed and asked me how I was doing. I sucked back some tears and told her I would be better in an hour when I returned here with my healthy baby in my arms. She smiled and rubbed my legs. "It's almost time, Sunshine," she said, "hang in there. Do you have your aromatherapy?"

I told her I did and she let me know that I was the first patient she had her of who took aromatherapy into the c-section, but there was no hospital policy to prevent it, so she said, go for it. She walked away from the bed, but sat in a cubicle where I could see her, while we waited for the anesthesiologist to come to talk to me. Moments later, my doctor returned to my bedside, and while she pouted her lip, she said, "Ugh, we have been bumped!"

I sighed and asked if she knew how long. She stated she hadn't been told how long, just that an emergency case had taken precedent and she would call the OR to find out. She did and told us that it would probably be 30 minutes. Shaun's parents had arrived to the hospital at this point. The plan was for them to wait in the lobby while I had surgery and then come into the recovery room once the baby and I were stable. Because of my anxiety, I had previously asked that they not come back to see me until after the surgery was complete. Shaun texted them and let them know of the delay.

My anxiety was heightened, but I pushed through it, lowering the lights, listening to my iPod full of great worship music, and inhaling my scents. Over 30 minutes later, a nurse, whom I had met previously at an NST, came out of the OR, squeezed my hand and said, "It won't be too much longer now, Sunshine. You are next, but we have to take care of this surgery first." She grabbed some supplies and returned to the OR. My doctor came back and told us she was going to grab some lunch and hopefully they will be ready for us when she comes back. This doctor is also pregnant, so I knew she needed to eat.

We continued to wait. Shaun texted my friend, Martha, who is like a mother figure to me, that we were delayed. She had planned on coming up to the hospital about 3pm, after our son was to be born. He texted that we were bumped and didn't know when we would go into the OR.

I prayed for the lady and her child who was in the OR. I understood what it meant to have an emergency c-section and just hoped that they were both ok. Realizing that they had been in surgery for almost 2 hours, I wondered if either of them were ok.

The anesthesiologist came out to talk to me and asked some basic questions. I let him know that I was scared to death of what he was about to do and to be gentle with me. He shrugged his shoulders and basically said, I would be fine and it wouldn't be much longer now. I knew that meant I was soon to be going into surgery, but then the nurse who had came out earlier, came out again and again grabbed my hand and said, "I am so sorry, but you will be going back soon, I promise. Hang in there." I was beginning to hate the nurses and doctors who kept telling me it was about to happen, and then here we were still sitting there.

At 3pm, Shaun received a text saying that my dad and step-mom were in the waiting room. This was such a surprise to me as I had invited them and told them that Liam would be born before 2pm and if they wanted to come they could. I didn't get a response from them, so I assumed that they wouldn't be coming. It was a long drive and not something they typically do. So when I found out that they were in the waiting room, I was so happy and shocked. Moments later, my friend Martha arrived. We welcomed her, telling her what was going on as she didn't check her phone for the text we had sent. She brought me in some flowers and said she would wait for us. Within moments, the nurse anesthetist spoke with me and said we were going back now, and was I ready. I told him, no, but take me back. Martha prayed over me and agreed to go into the lobby and let the parents know that I was just going back in for the surgery and should be out within the hour. We knew that Shaun's dad would be upset that Martha had come in to see me, but risked telling him hoping that he would be excited that I was finally being sent into surgery.

I was wheeled into the OR by a team of doctors and nurses. My doctor W. was waiting for me and helped to curl me into a position to get the spinal anesthesia into my spine. I was shaking all over and told her that I didn't want to be paralyzed. She assured me that my shaking was minimal and would not interfere with the placement of the needle. She held me and put the bag of lavender in front of my nose and told me to inhale deeply. I did and laughed thinking how crazy this aromatherapy thing must seem to everyone. She didn't miss a beat. The nurse grabbed my hand and explained what was happening. "Remember I told you that it would hurt less than the IV did and you will only feel the numbing medication go in."

I felt a poke and another and some cold fluid drain into my back. It burned for about 5 seconds. And then I began to shake again. The nurse looked at me in the eyes and said, "and this part, where he is placing the spinal, you are not going to feel a poke at all. You will feel him touching your spine with pressure, and you will think it is going to be painful, but you will feel nothing at all. There, it is done." She was right, I didn't feel the spinal, but I felt my chest and belly and then finally my legs go cold. The team helped me to lie on my back and began draping the blue paper over me.

Within moments, my hubby came in the room, dressed in a marshmallow suit, complete with blue booties, hair net and mask. He sat beside me and I looked in his direction. Behind him was a glass cabinet and I could see my belly reflecting off of it. "Uh, do y'all realize I can see myself in that cabinet?" The nurse said only a few women report that they can see here and asked me if I wanted it covered up. I did.

My doctor and the nurse anesthetist talked me through the entire thing. I had previously told the NA about my cousin who had a heart attack in her c-section and he let me know that he had nitro nearby if necessary, but I was a young, healthy woman and had nothing to worry about. Just then, I told him I felt like I was about to pass out and looked over to the monitor where it showed my blood pressure as 70/30. He said, "nope, I won't let you," and pushed some meds into my IV which caused the pressure to rise to 100/50.

My doctor said she was starting the incision and asked if I mind if she cut a new incision since my scar from the last c-section was really, really low. I told her to do whatever she felt was the safest thing to do, so she said she was going to make an incision an inch above the other one and it would be shorter in length. Once she got through the skin, she told me that my rectus muscles were strong, and difficult to cut through. I must be doing a lot of sit-ups, she said. I chuckled, thinking to myself, are you stinking kidding me? I do not do sit-ups!

She let me know when she was through the muscles and reached the uterus. "WOW," she said, "you have a beautifully healed uterus, I see no indication of a scar or scar tissue from your previous surgery. You have amazing organs, Sunshine." At that point, I was feeling a bit creeped out by this.

The nurse came around and asked me if I wanted pictures of Liam coming out. I agreed and she took the camera from Shaun. She took a picture of him and me before, and then stepped around to where the surgery was in progress. "Ok, Sunshine, the baby is going to be covered in white vernix since he is being born a couple of weeks early," the doctor told me as I heard a faint whimper of what I thought might be my child. "Shaun, do you want to watch as I lift your son out?" He bounced up and then I heard my baby cry softly beyond the blue drape. I began to tear, but just thanked Jesus, out loud. And then told the doctor, "I think I might be able to do this again."

She laughed and said, "did you hear that, dad? She wants to do this again!"

The doctor showed me my slightly blue baby boy and then they whisked him over to the incubator where the NICU team was evaluating him. The doctor told me that in all c-sections here there was a NICU team of doctors and not to be alarmed by their presence. I could hear him crying, and told Shaun it would be ok for him to go be with Liam while they closed me up. He kissed me on the forehead, tearing up a little and went to be with our son on the other side of the room. Soon after I felt a cramping like pain in my right shoulder/neck area. I told the NA. He said I could move my arm now and undid the strap holding it out. That made it worse. I asked him if it was my carotid artery and he chuckled, telling me it was probably referred pain from my uterus being cut. He shared that this often happens and it was not a sign of any heart problem.

And then I felt dizzy again. I think he had to give me more meds to increase my BP again. The doctor continued to tell me what she was doing as she was doing it. At this point she was examining my organs and continued to praise them saying how beautiful they all were. Then she said she was irrigating the organs and my abdominal cavity. It was then that I felt like I couldn't breathe. I kept coughing, huffing, trying to catch my breath. The NA leaned in and told me that what I was feeling was normal while I was being irrigated. It was soon over and I could breathe again.

I was told my baby boy was born at 3:59pm, when Shaun brought over the camera and showed me the pictures of him. He showed me a picture when Liam was on the scale and it said, 7 lbs, 8.6 oz, and then another picture with his foot touching a tape measure at 49. Shaun said, he is 49 inches long. I just about died laughing and asked my doctor if she heard that one. She said, "didn't you hear me chuckle over here, too?" Shaun gave me a look and the doctor said, "what a long baby, especially since your wife is only 59 inches tall." I told Shaun that was in centimeters and asked the nurse what the length was in inches. She said it was 19 inches long. He didn't seem to find the humor in it. The NA asked me what his name was and I told him Liam, but he didn't have a middle name yet. I said, "since you were such a help through the surgery, I might name his middle name after you. What is your name?"

"Gerard," he said.

"Um, maybe not." I giggled and he did, too.

"We are putting you all back together again," said the resident doctor assisting my doctor. "Like Humpty Dumpty," I said. She retorted. "All the kings horses and men could NOT put Humpty Dumpty together again. We are GOING to put you back together," she said. And soon my doctor told me she was doing a running stitch and was placing steri-strips (little strips of tape) criss-crossed over my stitches for extra protection. I was informed that Liam had apgar scores of 8 at one minute and 8 at five minutes, and no one receives a score of 10 unless they were a pediatricians child. He was healthy and we were both ready to be taken back to the recovery room. The blue drapes were still over me when I asked if my legs were bent up, like my knee was cocked into the air. They told me no, that both were lying flat on the table, but sometimes, the spinal makes you feel like your body was in the same position that it was in when the numbing took effect. Strange, I thought.

The team placed a wheeled board under my back and transferred me to my gurney and a nurse who held my baby led us all to my recovery room cubicle. I began having a reaction to the anesthesia. I was still shaking all over. My arms and shoulders were shaking all over. I seemed to be scratching my face nonstop. The nurse laid the baby on me and I tried to get skin to skin with him. It was hard because the lights were all out and I was having trouble holding him because I was itching so badly. Shaun had left the room to tell our families and our friends that Liam had arrived and we both made it through the surgery well. Meanwhile, I was still shocked and seemed unable to enjoy my little boy because of my symptoms. A nurse gave me some liquid medication that she said would help with the itching. I didn't realize until then that it was a reaction to the meds; I thought maybe I was allergic to something.

Shaun returned and I asked him where our parents and friends were. He seemed to be hiding something. He said that he told our friends that all was well, and they both went home. I was upset, thinking Shaun had asked them to leave, saying, I wanted to see them. He said they told him to tall me congratulations and one of them would be back to see me tomorrow. Then he pulled out his phone and started to leave the room. I asked him what was going on and he said, "alright, so apparently all of our parents left. Your friend, Martha, said my dad screamed at her and the four of them left the hospital even before the surgery began." I responded with "what? where did they go? Call them and tell them to come back." He left the room and was gone a good 30 minutes. During this time, I tried hard to breast feed my little one, but he was so sleepy and I was shaking so badly that I couldn't figure anything out. I just laid there with my baby boy's body on my chest and cried. I cried that I finally had a living, breathing baby that I had dreamed of having for so long. I cried because I wished my mama was there sharing with me the joy of this little one's life, she never would have left. I cried because my body was reacting badly to the medication. I cried because I was all alone, without my husband, without my parents or in laws, without my friends to support me in what was supposed to be the best and most wonderful day of my life. I cried because I couldn't possibly understand why all of Liam's living grandparents would abandon him and his mother during what was the most stressful and most joyful moments of their lives. I cried and sobbed so hard that the monitor kept beeping. I asked the nurse what was wrong with me and she said my pulse ox kept going down whenever I was crying hard because I couldn't catch my breath, but it went up whenever I breathed in again. She asked me if I was ok. I told her yes. I guess she assumed that I was crying because of the emotions from my previous loss. I don't think she caught on to the drama that was happening outside of those walls.

Shaun again returned and read to me the text message he received from his step-mom. The gist of it was his father was hurt that I allowed my friend to visit me before the surgery and because of that the parents all decided that they were going home and were not coming back. Shaun stated that he had called and left voice messages on both sets of parents' cell phones and several text messages were left with both sets. Neither responded except for the one message. And while he was gone, his brother who lives Florida called Shaun and said he had heard about the drama. I was overwhelmed with grief. On what I had envisioned as a day that would have no more grief, I suffered a new loss. The loss of support from both sets of parents. I cried so hard that night. I could barely look at my new little person because I was so ashamed that his birth had caused so much drama.

At 7pm, I was released from recovery and was allowed to go to the mother-baby unit. We received flowers and balloon from my parents, who apparently left them at the desk before they left for the night. We sat in the room, the three of us and stared at one another. While we were elated that we were holding our newest living addition to our family, we were mourning the emptiness of our hospital room. This was supposed to be a day of rejoicing, and here we were weeping. I was quickly transported back to the day Ethan was born. I couldn't stop thinking about the experience and comparing everything that had happened.

I was in awe at how much he looked like his older brother. Spitting image of our firstborn. I remember being so tired. I remember hearing Shaun shouting into his cell phone. I heard him tell the person on the other end of the phone that this was going to be a hard thing to forgive and they needed to come back up to the hospital tonight. All I could think of was how the nurses outside that room could hear us and how I thought there was no way that they were believing that my husband was not abusive. I heard swear words that I had not heard in several years. I heard "you're selfish" and "you abandoned us" and then I heard silence. Shaun had hung up and it was over. They aren't coming back, he said. I cried some more. The rest of the night seemed to be a blur. I was overcome with shock and shame and just couldn't enjoy this little precious baby boy I had in my arms. And my nursing staff were 60+ years old and I didn't relate much to them at all. I wished I could go back and redo the entire day. I so wanted to look at my baby and love him for who he was but all I could see was this poor child was abandoned by his grandparents on the first day of his life because of who his mother was. I WAS DEVASTATED.

I sobbed most of the night while my hubby was on the phone trying to sort out what had happened. We were exhausted and I wasn't even allowed to eat that evening. Only ice chips. For 32 hours I went without food. Only ice chips. I think I chewed 4 gallons of ice that night. Liam was taken to the nursery to have his bath, newborn screening blood and hearing tests done and it was established that all was well with him. I finally could look at this boy and saw the face of his father, some long skinny fingers and toes, with a little toe that curled in. Thick, straight, black hair that if it were not on a newborn, would warrant a good haircut in the back. My baby boy was here and he seemed content.

We were able to get a little sleep that first night, but I was ready for my breakfast in the morning. A resident doctor came in early to check my incision and ripped the bandaged off of my belly. It was so sore, but he said it looked good. Also, that morning Liam had his circumcision. The poor baby. We were challenged nursing as he had been very sleepy after having tylenol for the circumcision, plus I was drained from the emotional day we had just had. We welcomed dear friends as visitors throughout the day and I was finally able to get into the shower and freshen up. I was swollen from my lower back down to my toes and was told this was normal. My hemoglobin was low, so I had to take iron supplements. In the evening, a nurse checked my incision and said she believed I was getting an infection and there was skin peeled from where the doctor ripped the bandage off earlier. She ordered antibiotic cream and said the doctor would be in to check it in the morning.

Saturday morning, a doctor doing rounds came in to look at my incision. He said it looked red and inflamed and told me to be sure to wash it a couple times a day and put on the ointment and he would check it again in the morning. Shaun was still trying to piece together what had happened with his parents and he was unable to get a hold of my parents. We were so consumed with trying to figure out what happened that we didn't call all of the people we had intended to call. I was so upset about the situation that I was in tears most of the time I was in the hospital. It was difficult to talk to anyone when they came into the room to visit or when they called up to the hospital. I was sucking back the snot because I still was in shock by it all. I still tried hard to connect with Liam, but he was still very sleepy and nursing was still a challenge with him not latching, he and I both becoming frustrated and me not sleeping much at all.

On Sunday morning, the doctor examined my incision and said, "hmmm...I am beginning to wonder if this isn't a tape allergy. I am going to take one of the steri-strips off and see. Yes, it appears to be only red and inflamed where the strips are and where the tape was. I am going to remove all the steri-strips and see if this gets better. If you want you can go home today, but we will just need to see you in the office tomorrow to check on this. Otherwise, you can stay here overnight and we will check it tomorrow and if I am right, then it will get better. I don't think it is an infection at all. I will put in discharge orders and if you want to stay then I will discontinue them for today." I was relieved that it wasn't an infection, but thought I would be better staying in the hospital because what if he was wrong, and I didn't want to have to drive 3 hours in the next two days just to have my incision checked.

A couple of hours later, Liam was weighed and we learned that he was down to 6 lbs, 13 oz. He had lost almost 9% of his birth weight and at 10% they usually have to do major interventions. The doctor told us that I would need to supplement him with formula after each nursing session. Twenty minutes on each side and then 20 mL of formula every 2 hours. He was not jaundiced, but was just not getting enough milk from nursing. This regimen was exhausting, especially since Liam and I were having so much trouble with nursing. It seemed as though as soon as he was done with a feeding, it was time to do another because it took so long to get him to latch on.

That afternoon, Shaun's parents finally agreed to come visit, however, they did not say much to me. It was a quiet visit, and there will need to be some conversation when we get home in order for the healing to begin in me.

After they left, Shaun needed to go home and do some homework for several hours on Sunday evening and told me he was scared to leave me. I asked why, and he told me that he was worried that I wouldn't be able to feed Liam or ask for help. That was when I felt like he thought I was inadequate to be Liam's mommy. With all the stress I had had with preparing for the surgery, the delay, the drama with our parents, the emotional strain from crying for a couple days, the sleep deprivation, the unplanned fast, the inability to latch, the potential infection, etc., I felt like the break from my husband was just what I needed. On Sunday evening was when I finally met my little guy and was able to talk to him and enjoy him and that was when I decided his middle name would be Alexander.

The next morning, a resident doctor, who also assisted in my surgery arrived and looked at my incision and told me she thought the rash was clearly where the steri-strips were NOT. I asked her how that could be as the other doctor removed them and said the redness was underneath. She thought maybe it was a reaction to another adhesive substance they may or may not have used. I didn't buy it, but thought, jeez, I just may have to stay another night. Later that morning, one of the doctors from my office came in while I was showering. She said she would wait and decided she would change Liam's diaper while I was drying off. She told me he had a diaper rash. I told her that I knew, but the nurses didn't give me anything for it last night. She went out and got some cream for him, stating that he must have sensitive skin just like his mommy. She inspected my incision and said it was not what the resident had said, however, it was healing. She took a picture of it so I could see it and agreed that I would be okay to go home. I let her know that Liam had lost so much weight and I didn't know if he would be discharged, and she informed me that if he was not discharged, she would change the order for me to be able to stay with him.

I began to pack, and Liam's doctor came in to tell us that he had gained weight. He was up to 7 pounds, 0 ounces and he would be okay to go home only if I went to my pediatrician in the morning for a weight check. We agreed and the doctor said we could back off of supplementing down to every other feeding.

The following day, Liam was weighed at the doctor. Shaun removed the diaper as instructed, and Liam showed his winkie and peed a nice stream up over his head. Some of it landed on his face and we all sighed in disgust when we saw him lick his lips. GROSS! Poor child. Shaun and I really need to figure out how not to make this happen. He was again 7 pounds, 0 ounces. The doctor was not concerned and asked us to come back in a week for another weight check. He also told us to continue to use zinc ointment to take care of his diaper rash.

One week later, last Tuesday, we returned to the doctor for a weight check and he was 7#0. The nurse said, let me reset it and do it again....6#15. Ugh. The doctor again assured us that it may take him a bit longer to catch up to birth weight, so we would do another weight check in a week. He then looked at the rash that was not getting better, but was bleeding, and said it was contact dermatitis and would need hydrocortisone on it in addition to the zinc 3-4 times a day. I still felt inadequate as a mother.

Tomorrow is our next weigh in. Praying that Liam is gaining and thriving.

Father, thank you so much for the blessing of my child. I praise you that I had no major complications in the delivery and everything went as smooth as could be once the delay was over. I praise you that you allowed me to look my Liam in the eyes and see the face of my Ethan as well. Give me the guidance to be the best mother I could be to this child and help me to give all the honor and glory to you.

Lord, help me to be a godly example to my parents and my in-laws. I thank you for allowing me to talk it out with my parents and I ask that you work in my in-laws hearts so I can talk it out with them as well. Help me to forgive and let go of the hurt and anger I possess. Give me the strength to stand up for myself in a positive way and to show mercy where it is due. I ask you to show me the good you will bring of this drama when clearly Satan meant it for evil. I ask all this and so much more, in Jesus' name, AMEN!

37 weeks, 6 days DAY BEFORE DELIVERY!!!

2011-10-12T21:58:00.003-04:00

On Tuesday, I went to the hospital to have an NST done. So far all of these appointments have been pretty well routine. I get hooked to the monitors, I sit there for 20 minutes and Liam does all he is supposed to do and I get to go home. This time, though, not so routine.

At Tiny Purpose on Monday I was blessed with a pregnancy and infant loss ribbon temporary tattoo on my hand to promote October as its national month and to prompt conversation in the community about the memorial walk this Sunday. Unfortunately, I will not be able to attend the walk due to my c-section and subsequent hospitalization, but I was so thankful to have the tattoo so I can honor my other children, while giving birth to my living child.

At the NST, the first nurse asked about the tattoo, but seemed uncomfortable to talk about it. She strapped on tightly both belts onto my belly and made me lay almost flat, whereas most other NSTs I was allowed to be in a seated position. She didn't ask many questions and left the room promptly. The nurse midwife walked in the room shortly later and said she had heard about my tattoo and wanted to come see it and ask me about my losses. I shared quickly with her what it represented and she revealed to me that she too lost a 1 week old son 18 years ago while waiting for a heart transplant. She was so loving and patient with me and we shared a bond quickly. She left the room to call my doctor. The first nurse returned and noticed that my baby's heart rate was having some decelerations or lows that were a little concerning. Shortly after that the nurse midwife returned and brought in an ultrasound machine. She said, "I was just about to call the doctor when I saw these decels and I thought, I would feel better and I know you will feel better if we just check the baby over and make sure he is ok in the womb with the ultrasound. We will check his fluid levels." I told her she was right, and I would be perfectly fine to have this baby today if it is necessary and I appreciated her quick decision.

The nurse midwife was able to check my fluid level and it was about a 19, which seemed down from the 22 it was on Thursday. She said it looked fine and then saw baby making some big movements. He was grabbing and letting go of his umbilical cord. "That's probably why we are seeing some low heart rates. He is reaching to hold onto something and the cord is what it is. He should be fine and we can send you home as soon as we call the doctor." I started to feel real dizzy and my blood pressure dropped from 113/78 at the beginning of the NST to 98/59 and my pulse was racing, too. I didn't feel good and she let me finally be on my side.

I was also having some contractions, but the nurse midwife assured me that it appeared to be cramping and irregular, so probably not labor. She left to call the doctor and another nurse came in. This time, this nurse stated she had heard about my tattoo and wanted to tell me that she also had a loss at 7 months, her son, Samuel 21 years ago. She told me how brave and proud she was that I was willing to talk about it as so many people do not. She wished me the best of luck and said she would stop in on Thursday to wish me luck again. I signed the discharge papers. The nurse midwife returned and wanted me to know that she would not be there Thursday, but would be thinking about me.

After I left the hospital, I had to go to the doctor office to get the first of my Betamethasone shots to prevent prematurity of the babies lungs. I anxiously awaited the nurse to come and draw up the medicine as my fear of large needles still sometimes overcomes me. I paced the room when she came in telling her I couldn't look at the needle and asked her to be gentle with me. She was kind and made me bend over a desk and inserted the 1.5 inch needle into my glutious maximus. I felt the sting of the poke and the burn of the medicine going in and even when she said she was done, I could still feel stinging. I had to rub my ass as I was walking out of the office. She gave me a hug, wishing me luck and I said thank you.

I cried most of the way home. My behind was still aching and I called Shaun to have him help me with my anxiety. Seemed like it was all coming to a head. He wasn't very patient with me and I ended up hanging up the phone and praying instead. I wished I would have just done that first. I arrived home and shared with him how I felt he wasn't on my side and after a while he softened saying he is anxious and nervous too and it is hard for him too. I said I understood, but I needed him to be my rock for the next few days. Once I am through the surgery, he can lean on me, but for now, I needed him.

I went to work, feeling yucky. The pain in the butt was gone, but I was shaking all over and my hands especially. I had a headache and seemed consumed with nervousness, even though I didn't really feel anxiety. I was so tired.

This morning, Wednesday, I woke up feeling yucky still. My head was groggy and I just didn't feel right. I checked my fasting blood sugar and it was 111. It is supposed to be lower than 90 and I had never in both pregnancies had a HIGH on a fasting glucose test. I called the doctor to be sure that it wasn't a side effect of the drug before I took the next dose. The nurse said she was sorry that she hadn't told me but that my sugars would be high the next 2-3 days because of the drug and that is probably why I was feeling so bad. Just eat normally and take your sugars, but don't worry about the highs.

I called my friend to do my shot, and since I was still feeling anxiety from the phone call I couldn't slow down my breathing or heart beat. She finally showed up to my house around 12noon and just as she walked in, the labor and delivery called me with pre operation instructions:

I am supposed to be at the hospital at 10:15am. Nothing to eat or drink after 4:15am. No jewelry allowed. She asked about why I was having a c-section at 38 weeks and I told her because I had a placental abruption during my first pregnancy which lead to my son's death. She said, that is a good enough reason and asked me if there was anything she could do to help make this day the best day of my life. She said, with all the routine she was fairly certain that all would go well. I asked her about wearing contacts and makeup...she said both would be fine. I asked about aromatherapy and she stated that sounded very pleasant and that would be fine, too. I asked her about the 2 hours I would wait before surgery and she said I would start out in recovery and the nurse would ask a bunch of questions and do my labs and IV at that time. Then the anesthesiologist would come in to talk to me and ask more questions and prepare me for the surgery. She stated that anything I wished to have done they would try to allow me to do to make this birth experience the best it could possibly be and to make a list of what I would like and bring it with me in the morning to share with my nurse. In fact, when she hangs up, she said, she will go hand pick me out the most patient and most accommodating nurse on the schedule for the morning. And if I had any other questions she gave me her direct phone number and to call back. We hung up.

My friend got the supplies out for the shot. I was still shaking and crazy nervous. She seemed to me that she had not done that many of these types of shots as she has only been a nurse for 2 years and usually does IVs instead of IMs. I just leaned over and said get it over with. She talked me through it and I barely felt a poke and did not feel the medicine go in at all. She was sooo good!!! Thank God that was done! My friend, her 3.5 week old daughter and I celebrated at Arby's. Ironic it was as the day before she had her daughter we sat in the same booth at Arby's anxiously awaiting her baby's arrival.

Once I got home, I called the nurse back as I remembered some questions. I asked if Shaun could stay with me the entire surgery. She said they usually send him and baby back to recovery just as I am transferring gurneys to return to recovery, but if I wanted him there, then he could move into a corner. No problem, just remind them tomorrow. I asked about getting the baby to the breast as soon as possible. She said probably not in the OR, but as soon as we returned to the recovery room we could. I also asked if his blood sugar is low to get him to breast first instead of sugar water in a bottle to avoid nipple confusion. She said they would check his BS and if he needed something, only if it is below 45, we would figure it out then, but the nurses were trained in cup feeding a newborn too. She also stated that my nurse would be Becky, in the morning.

At 2pm, Shaun unexpectedly arrived at the house because he was supposed to do a double shift from 7am -- 11pm today. He brought in 2 pieces of cake and said he was "surprised" with a diaper party for him at his work and had a crap-load of diapers in his trunk. Plus, his clinical instructors gave him the afternoon off. Although, he had to go back at 3pm for work. We stuffed the 15+ boxes and bags of diapers into our closet. Looks like we are set for a while! lol

I went to work for 4 hours just to keep my mind off of things. I felt a little more calm, although, my blood sugars still were high the rest of the night. I cannot wait to see my little one in afternoon. I feel like it is Christmas when I waited up all night to see Santa, couldn't sleep, and yet still missed his arrival and found a plethora of gifts below the tree in the morning.

I came home, did some laundry and some face-booking and tried to get some packing done. I overpack. I do it all the time. I need to work on this some more. Liam is kicking me and I cannot wait to have him kick my arms instead of my ribs.

Father, I thank you for what seems to be such a successful journey to parenthood so far. However, I know all too well how blindsided I was when I was 40 weeks pregnant with Ethan and the unthinkable occurred. I ask that you make this a complete and total change from what occurred with him and restore my faith in my birthing experiences. Give me the peace that only you can give and bless me with a happy, healthy, thriving baby boy about 12 or 1pm tomorrow, October 13, 2011. I thank you that you hand-picked this day, the exact day my mother entered your arms 11 years ago. I thank you that you are going to help bring this day a celebratory day rather than a sad day that it has been for so many years. I thank you that you are wise and that you have guided me in this journey. I pray for the doctors, nurses, anesthesia team and anyone else involved in tomorrow's surgery that they are guided by you, that they know you and that they allow you to take the lead. I pray that you ease any anxiety I have and that you bring redemption 100 fold. I pray for your will to be done and that You bless all who know me because of your goodness being shown. Thank you Jesus for your gifts. In Jesus' name, AMEN!!

37 weeks, 3 days

2011-10-09T11:30:00.004-04:00

EXPECTANTLY AWAITING OUR NEWBORN SON, LIAM, IN 4 DAYS!!!!!

WOW! It's almost time! Here is what you missed the last 2 weeks. I know, I am lazy, but planning for a baby takes a lot of time!

"If you are going to be used by God," writes Oswald Chambers, "he will take you through a multitude of experiences that are not meant for you at all; they are meant to make you useful in his hands."

On Monday, 9/26/11, at 35 weeks, 4 days, I had to have my Non-Stress Test done at St. Joe's hospital due to no nurses in the doctor office this day. The triage nurse was so kind and prepared the computer with all the necessary information she could gather from me to prepare for my surgery. She had basic information in the computer already sent over from the doctor office and was so gentle about my first pregnancy and all of its complications. "You know, your blood pressure rises every time you talk about your sweet Ethan," she said, glancing at me with a sad but affirming look. "I know," I told her, "but I have come so far in the last 6 years."

The non-stress test was reactive like it is supposed to be, baby's heartrate was in the 140's and no contractions measured at all. My blood pressure was a little higher than normal, but within range, 113/68 and I weighed in at 155 lbs. She checked my urine and all was well.

On Thursday, 9/29/11, at 36 weeks, Shaun and I went to the doctor office for a bio-physical profile and growth of the baby ultrasound. All was looking great. Here are the stats:
Placenta: looking good along the back of the uterus
Heart Rate: 144 beats per minute
Head circumference:32.4 cm
Head length (BPD): 8.86 cm
Femur length: 6.82 cm
Abdominal circumference: 33.46 cm
Amt. of amniotic fluid: plenty: 17.6 (not too much or too little)
Weight: 6lb, 9 oz
Measuring: 35 weeks, 5 days
Presentation: head down
Mom weight: 155
Mom BP: 100/58
Mom Pulse: good
Placenta is looking extremely well for a 36 week-er and it posterior!
Baby is 55% on the growth curve!!
I made the sonographer, Jacquelyn check to be sure it was still a boy! YES it is and his testicles have descended. YAY!!

I complained of cramping in my left inner thigh when I walk. Dr. Keeton seems to think it is related to not getting enough calcium or potassium in my diet. I think it is baby pressing on a nerve when I walk. I will eat some bananas and milk more often and I will walk with my legs spread out a little more, too. Cover both angles!!

I have also been having some palpitations where my heart skips a beat hear and there. She stated that this is normal in pregnancy and not to be too concerned unless it is happening very frequently, as in several times a day. Then call and they will check on it.

The doctor had us sign some paperwork for the surgery and gave us the list of risks, what to do, etc. She then said, "Did I tell you about the steroids?"

"Um...no!"

"Well, because you are delivering at 38 weeks instead of 39 weeks, there is a small chance that the baby's lungs are not fully developed. Chances are that baby has made surfactant in his lungs and he will be fully developed, but as a precaution, we could give injections of Betamethasone at 48 hours prior to surgery and again at 24 hours prior and that will cause a sequence to signal to the baby to make surfactant. There are studies that show this to be effective for earlier gestational age and some studies suggest this is worth it for this gestational age as well. The other alternative would be to do an amniocentesis and I think you would much prefer this. Am I right?"

"Um, ok."

So we decided to go ahead with the steroids. But, will need to either drive to AA on Tuesday and Wednesday or give it to myself. I decided I couldn't do an intramuscular injection myself and I most certainly would not trust my hubby to do it for me (insert chuckling here). So, I told the doctor that I would enlist one of my nursing friends to do the deed for me at home.

On Monday, 10/3/11 (36w4d) I had another NST in the office. No problems. All is looking good. Some contractions recorded. BP: 96/60, weight: 156.2 (Can this stop going up, please?)

I had a baby shower at work and was generously showered with gifts from my new sweet co-workers. What a blessing they are! The following day, Shaun went to his radiology class and was surprised by his class of 18 students and professor with a $75 gift card to Target. What a great surprise to us that was as well!!

On Thursday, 10/6/11, Shaun and I traveled to Ann Arbor and spent our gift card on baby essentials we had been lacking. We enjoyed a great lunch at Red Robin and then had our 37 weeks bio-physical profile at the doctor office. The baby did not practice breathing movements immediately like he usually does which concerned us, but the tech was not worried as he still did it within the time frame. He received a score of 8/8 again and had a heart rate of 122! A little low, but he was sound asleep, until we prodded him with the transducer through the belly. The amniotic fluid was up to 22 which indicates polyhydramnios over 20. Placenta looked over really well and shows some signs of aging (as it is supposed to at 37 weeks) but no indication of any clots or problems so to speak. BP: 100/62 and weight: 157.2

The doctor assured me that babies only practice breathing 15% of the time while in the womb, therefore the fact that we get to see it in a short 20 minutes is really good. She also assured me that my elevated fluid level could be off by 4 cms either way, and may not indicate polyhydramnios due to margin. However, since I was delivering in a week anyway, we should not be concerned that it is a sign of anything negative.

We discussed some of the anxiety hubby and I have regarding surgery and Doctor Williams told us to start visualizing a positive outcome. She told us to start focusing on things we can control. I asked her what this was. She said, breathing, whether you want the lights dimmed in the OR (this is her personal favorite, lights dimmed and only overhead lights around the surgical site), if I want music played in the background, ask anesthesia if Shaun can be in the room for the spinal, or she could personally hold me while it is being placed. Take something to do for 2 hours pre-surgery, like crossword, or magazine or ipod, etc.

We asked her about anti-anxiety meds prior to spinal. She suggested no as she didn't want baby to receive it. So, I asked about aromatherapy. She stated she would check with the hospital, but thought that would be fine. We could listen to music, enjoy the fragrance of peppermint, with our lights dimmed low and have a date in the OR awaiting the arrival of our little boy. The nurse could take pictures as he is being lifted out and Shaun could just be present in the moment with me. He would be allowed to stay in the OR while a nurse let our family know that we were ok and healthy until we were back into recovery around 1:30-2pm.

Ahhhhh! That picture sounds so good. I cannot wait. Shaun asked about stitching the incision. So technical. She will use sutures rather than glue. hehe! She reexplained the steroids and its functions and how it causes a stress response in the baby to release a hormone to produce surfactant. This concerned me as I had thought that the stress response is what caused the placental abruption. She said no. Abruptions are poorly understood and therefore we cannot say that a stress response caused it. But, steroids should not be a risk for abruption.

She told us that my NST on Monday would need to be done at the hospital again because of nursing staffing issues again. So, I took that opportunity to ask if I could come in on Tuesday and have them give me my first steroid shot and therefore I would only need the 2nd dose administered at home. The doctor agreed this would be fine and scheduled the NST on Tuesday at 11am at the hospital and then I would come over to the office to have my shot.

I scheduled my post-operation doctor appointments at 1 week past discharge from the hospital and 6 weeks post delivery. So, it's official...I will no longer be pregnant passed Thursday afternoon!!!!!

I am a little anxious. I am a little terrified. I am a little excited. But, I am big time trusting that God will be glorified no matter what. Our God is greater than any of my little quirky feelings.

I expect some praising!!!!

Father, thank you so very much for the blessing in this pregnancy. Most has gone by without any problems and I am so thankful for your provision and your dedication to use me amidst this journey to serve those around me. I ask for you to take the lead physician's chair in the delivery room and direct the procedures as you see fit. I ask that you draw attention to the earthly doctors any potential problems and help them to be wise about what do about this or that. Give Shaun and me the strength, the fortitude, the calm and peace that only You can give us as we endure the next 4 days and I pray that You also give us the joy and grace to accept Your precious gift of a living son to us on Thursday, October 13, 2011! We pray for gentleness and awe in the delivery room and the ability to manage the visitors we plan to receive. We are so humbled and grateful for what you have given us and plan to share your goodness with all those who we encounter. Father, I ask that you are with my sisters who are currently pregnant after loss and help them to ease their anxiety and put their trust in you throughout their experience. I ask that you bless them as richly or better as you did for us and I ask that you provide them with calm through their journeys so they may reach others for you too. I thank you for all the readers I have had and for those who are yet to stumble across this blog and I pray that I continue to be used by you in my future endeavors. In Jesus' name, AMEN!

35 weeks, 3 days

2011-09-25T12:38:00.004-04:00

Hello blog world. The countdown is on. 18 days until my scheduled c-section. I feel uncomfortable in my baby belly, so I am welcoming this transition. I am blessed, however surprising that sounds, that I am having a c-section and this tenderness in the upper belly will soon be replaced by a squirming infant along my breast and a carefully stitched wound in my lower belly. I cannot fathom the thought of it actually happening as having been down this path once before and preparing for its most common outcome, I was met with a whirlwind of unexpected happenings after the last delivery. My son was never put to my chest. He was never allowed to smell my scent. He was never given the opportunity to look his mom in the face. He was whisked away toward a traumatic experience from the words, "It's a boy," to IVs and respirators, to a coffin-like incubator traveling 50 miles away from his mother, to having to be frozen to 90* for 3 days, to "there is no more hope for him." My wound did not just cover my abdomen, but threatened my life due to the traumatic experience requiring blood products, antibiotics, anti-hypertensives. It was a five long days before I realized my real wound would take months, even years to heal. It has been five years before I realized that I may never truly heal from the wound of child loss.

And, yet I am here. Ready to experience what I have been preparing my life for since childhood. I have craved knowledge on child-rearing, being a good parent and creating a loving, healthy atmosphere for my children. I have planned and thought of all kinds of various situations I may encounter with my children and have discussed at length with my hubby about how we would handle such and such and this or that. I now just want to begin this part of my life's journey. If I had never experienced child loss, I would be ecstatic to transition. However, my tainted past has prepared me to expect the unexpected. Prepare for all eventualities. Be aware that the world may not be beginning to fall into place for us, but instead may be preparing us for a world of hurt, disappointment and disarray. Yet, my hope is in the LORD. I know that nothing happens that He hasn't allowed to happen. But, this doesn't mean that everything will be just as I want it to be. It just means I must trust in His plan. His purpose. His desire for me.

My past week has been productive. I had my NST on Monday last week and baby passed that test perfectly. No contractions during the visit and despite my recognizing a couple of decelerations in his heart rate, the nurse midwife assured me that it was normal to have during some movements and since it was not under 100 bpm, I had nothing to worry about.

On Thursday, my hubby and I went to my BPP and doctor appointment. I talked with him about some of my anxious thoughts and how I wished I was able to deliver this baby now with as uncomfortable and sick I feel because I know that he is alive and healthy, but since it was only 35 weeks, I realize that he probably has some growing to do. My hubby was irritated that I would even consider putting my anxiety at a higher priority than the baby's well-being. He insisted that I was being selfish and that he would step in if I put his son in danger. I tried to reassure him that I was just sharing some of my thoughts and concerns as I wrap up the last 3 weeks. He was having none of it. He effectively forbid me from going through with a vaginal delivery if I went into labor on my own before the surgery. And as we pulled up to the office I realized his anxiety is as high as mine, but still I walked briskly toward the door, hoping I would be able to slip into the ultrasound room before he would be able to make it in.

Fortunately, my plan failed and I was taken back to the room as Shaun was walking in the door. Naturally my blood pressure was elevated from the heated discussion. 116/60. Baby boy's heart rate was 140bpm, his amniotic fluid index was 16 and he passed his biophysical profile 8/8! Since I had been having this tender stabbing pain in my upper abdomen and Google told me that Fatty Liver of Pregnancy was a rare, but potentially fatal disease that included this symptom, I had the tech observe my liver as well. She said it looked normal, no masses, no cysts and not enlarged. Whew! Baby's cheeks are so fat and squishy and he is breathing perfectly, blowing amniotic bubbles at times. And yes, he is STILL a BOY!! hehe!

My weight is hanging at 152.6 and my pulse was 72. We asked the doctor a lot of questions regarding my anxiety. She thinks my pain in the upper belly is baby kicking or muscles stretching. She said this is a common complaint from smaller framed moms and this side pain too. I asked if I should be tested for preeclampsia or HELLP syndrome. Her answer was no. I asked if going into labor is the risk for placental abruption, then should I worry about these contractions. She said no. The going into labor isn't the concern. The breaking of the bag of waters is what is concerning when it comes to chorioamnionitis (the infection in the bag of waters that may have been a factor in the placental abruption). So as long as my bag of waters is intact, no worries for infection in the bag of waters. Shaun asked if I would be allowed to labor if I showed up with labor. She said it was entirely up to us. I of course let her know that he absolutely forbid it and she said that was fine, however if I showed up and was 8-10 centimeters dilated, it might be a safer thing to deliver vaginally as it would be difficult to pull the baby's head out of the pelvis during the c-section. She didn't think this would happen though as I am acutely aware of the signs in my body and she didn't think I would be the kind of lady who would risk laboring at home before calling the doctor. So, then I asked her to check my cervix as the contractions that I do have are sometimes painful and I wondered if my body was yet recognizing them as true contractions and dilating me. She agreed only because I insisted as it was not necessary since I was having a c-section.

My cervix was high and pointing toward my back. She said the baby's head was low and I was a slight fingertip dilated in the outside of the cervix, but the inner part was closed tight. Whew! these seemingly uncomfortable contractions are just a pain in my belly, but not a cause for concern at this time! I was given a flu shot and tested for group B strep infection. I was sent on my way until Monday. Tomorrow I will be going to the St. Joe's birth triage center for my NST as there will be no nursing staff in the office. I guess I can make a trial run, just in case I think I am in labor over the next 18 days!!!

Father, thank you for your wonderful gift of life you have blessed me with. I pray that you allow me to experience motherhood soon from the outside of my womb! I pray that you keep Liam safe, that you protect him from the dangers of pregnancy and that you bring him breathing and healthy into this earthy world. I ask that you support me and my husband as we embark on this scary journey that resulted in tragedy the last time for us and help us to feel your peace throughout this transition to parenthood. We are so blessed to have a wonderful manual to raise our children in that you have provided for us and we have a great role model of a parent from your perspective.

Thank you, Jesus, for blessing my friend last week with her baby daughter and keeping both of them safe during their delivery. I praise you because your goodness shines in all that you are and do. I ask that you continue to protect and bless those of my readers who are still expecting and grieving and give them a glimmer of hope through you as they read this blog. I ask all this in Jesus' name, AMEN!

33 weeks, 4 days

2011-09-12T12:31:00.002-04:00

This week has went by in a hurry. I have had 3 doctor visits since my last post.

On Tuesday, Sept. 6 I had my first NST at the MFM office at St. Joe's. The non-stress test measures baby's heart rate in relation to his movements. They also monitor contractions if there are any. See August 26th's post for description of NSTs and BPPs. My baby boy is extremely active and passed this test with flying colors. Mom's weight was 150.4 and blood pressure was 116/60.

On Friday, Sept. 9 I went in for my first Biophysical profile and growth ultrasound. At 33 weeks, these are his stats:

Placenta: looking good along the back of the uterus
Heart Rate: 135 beats per minute
Head circumference:30.94 cm
Head length (BPD): 8.45 cm
Femur length: 6.46 cm
Abdominal circumference: 29.19 cm
Amt. of amniotic fluid: plenty: 21.8 (anything over 10 is good and under 24)
Weight: 4lb, 14 oz
Measuring: 33 weeks, 3 days
Presentation: head down
Mom weight: 149.6
Mom BP: 98/60
Mom Pulse: good
Placenta is looking good and it posterior!
Baby is 47% on the growth curve!!
They do not check for cervical length after 32 weeks. So, this was not necessary. I have been having a lot of braxton hicks contractions, so I worry that my cervix is opening, but they don't seem too concerned.

My BPP score was 8/8! 100% Perfect!

At this appointment I received a Tdap shot for whooping cough and I will get a flu shot in October. The nurse did a consult with me regarding labor, delivery, premature labor, postpartum depression, breastfeeding, etc. I spoke with the doctor about my high after breakfast blood sugars and at this point we are going to try to correct it with diet and wait and see. Here are the answers to some of my questions:

What is this sharp pain in my upper right abdomen: probably baby or ligament. Nothing to worry about.

How many c-sections can I have? No limit at this time, but plan on having the size family you want and we will discuss further after each subsequent pregnancy.

Do you know how much scar tissue I have and will I need a vertical incision? Will not know this until we cut in. Probably won't need a vertical incision.

How soon after baby is born should I do fertility treatments? 18 months as we want the c-section scar to heal properly.

That's a long time!? I know, but let's do this. You are breastfeeding, right? Well, then don't worry about birth control and see if you get pregnant on your own. If you don't, then at 18 months you can see the fertility specialist. (My opinion of this is NO WAY! Maybe I can wait until this boy's first birthday!!)

Can you check my heart murmur as it seemed to be louder after my delivery with Ethan. Do you think this is a problem? She listened and said it sounded like a normal pregnancy murmur.

I was told that I will have a dr. visit at 35 weeks and they will check me for group B strep at that time. Continue to go to my NSTs and BPPs and watch my diet and blood sugars.

Today I went to my NST appointment. I haven't been sleeping well due to baby kicking and contracting. I am quite uncomfortable. Sometimes I have pinching pain in my cervix and backaches. I attribute them to the growing uterus and baby and not really to labor. The nurse checked my BP, it was 100/60, and weight was 151.0. My NST was reactive the way it is supposed to be but I was having a quite a few contractions during the test. The nurse stated that the doctors were out of the office, but would be back at noon and would call me if they felt I needed to be seen in triage. I let the nurse know that I frequently ignore the contractions as I would be a mess and up at triage everyday if I counted all the contractions I felt every day. She just said to let them know when I was having changes in the contractions. I don't think I am in labor, but with all I was telling her she seemed concerned. I have had several contractions since and have not yet received a call from the doctor. I guess I am okay. Next appointment is on Thursday at 11am for a BPP!!!

Father, I pray that you are able to control everything that seems to be out of my hands. I pray that baby boy is healthy, that he comes on your timing and with a smooth transition into this life. I pray for safety and comfort for me through this journey as well.

Father, I lift my sisters who are reading this up and ask that you bless them immensely because of their faith in you. In Jesus' name, AMEN!!

32 weeks, 3 days

2011-09-04T12:38:00.002-04:00

I cannot believe the anxiety and excitement and yet PEACE I feel all at the same time. Maybe I am just always a mess when it comes to identifying one feeling, as it seems as if I write about this trichotomy a lot in my blog. But, it is a real and necessary part of my journey. [trichotomy: division into three parts, especially the theological division of man’s nature into the body, the soul, and the spirit.]

My ANXIETY: Will I make it to my scheduled c-section? Or will my body decide that I need another surprise? Will I have any more complications? Does my few high readings of lunch time blood sugars indicate gestational diabetes? If so, does it really make too much of a difference if I have a couple of highs here and there, or do I need to be more proactive in my diet because it increases my risk of stillbirth and macrosomia? Is this sharp tearing pain in my upper right abdomen a torn muscle? Baby's foot in the ribs? An early indicator of placental abruption? A result of my poor posture due to increased frontal weight shift? Do I have everything for the baby after he is born? Do I have a day care provider available when I need one? Is this person a good fit for our family? Will I have to quit my job so I can be a stay at home mom? Do I want to quit my job? Can I stand the thought of separating from my baby? Will I choose a competent and caring pediatrician? Am I trying to control way too much of what is ultimately out of my control? Will my husband get the necessary time off of school and work so he can help me while I am in the hospital and afterward? Will I have complications during delivery? What if I start to freak out the day before my surgery? What if my job lays me off? What if they lay me off just before I have the baby and then I won't have medical insurance? How will we be able to afford a baby, a car payment, a mortgage, Shaun's tuition? How long will I be able to get off of work? What if I can't breastfeed? What happens if I have to have a hysterectomy? Will I resent that I was never able to have a girl? What happens if my spinal doesn't take? What if my anxiety overwhelms me so much that I can't possibly think straight? What if my hubby isn't able to alleviate my anxiety in the delivery room? Will I feel some of the surgery like my SIL said she felt hers? Will I have a heart attack like my cousin did? Will I lose yet another baby Plato? Is God pleased with how I have let others peer into my life and thoughts or does He think I am still selfish and controlling? Will He love me even through this crazy cycle I put myself through before I pray?

My EXCITEMENT: I am beeeeeeeeeeeYOND excited to meet my little man. And I hope that he is just as excited as I am. I delight in his rhythmic beats of his little feet in my belly. I love to see his body parts peek out from the roundness of my skin. If I weren't so modest, I would wear a bikini top all the time and just stare at the wonder of what he is doing inside of me. I tickle the skin and gently wake him up so he knows his mama is thinking about him. He bunches up inside of me and then we play a game. I love to poke one part in my belly and then stop. My little boy then tries to kick my hand. I tickle or prod a different area and he moves his body in relationship to mine. It's like a game of hide and seek. Sometimes I am not sure who started it! My discovery of his tiny body parts; knees, toes, bottom, back is so much fun. I try to grab the parts and tell him, "I got your toes!" [Ok, I know I am a dork, but I LOVE THIS!!] Today in church we were singing You Are God. The country style song isn't really my kind of tune, but the part where it says, "Life flows from God, it flows from God," was just touching my heart today. I was tearing because of my love for my son. So far I have been ~~indifferent~~ ~~standoffish~~ unsure about how I feel about this child. I wanted him so badly, but feeling love for him was a kinda foreign thought for me. Maybe it was my mind guarding itself, but today I FEEL LOVE! Love that only flows from God. Because Life FLOWS from God. After all this 2.5 years of trying to get pregnant, losing 2 more babies and now expectantly waiting for his arrival, I know that as much as I wanted to control it all, MY GOD controls the universe and each individual connection within in. I am so stinking excited to look at his little body, count his fingers and toes, peer into his eyes, sniff his baby fresh skin, cuddle with him in my arms, share my life with him, teach him to be a good man and share the love of the LORD with him. Although, I gotta tell you that I think he has a thing or two to share with me about our LORD. ;) I cannot wait to meet him. 39 days. YAYYYYYY!

My PEACE: It comes from God alone. Just look at the sample of the crazy list of questions I worry about all the time. It has to come from God because in all that I worry about, I feel confident that the LORD will complete this pregnancy journey with a wonderful outcome. I feel calm most of the time. The hourly contractions I have been having are but a small inconvenience to me instead of a fearfully trying time. The pain in my abdomen is but an ache in the back instead of dread that I will be rushed to the hospital. The worry last week about child care was alleviated when I prayed for His guidance over this issue and He provided (a story will follow in the coming weeks/months...God's timing is AMAZING!!!) I just feel a great sense of PEACE that all is right in the world. I know that God will will be done. And I trust Him. Period.

I am hoping that this 5.5 weeks goes by quickly enough so I don't have to experience any more crazy cycles of the anxiety, slow enough so I can enjoy the anticipation and excitement and peaceful enough so I can trust in the journey to do it again!

Father, I thank you for the opposing and yet real relationship between these feelings and the ability to communicate them with others. I pray that you bless all who read this and give them a sense of your LOVE, your PEACE, and your provision. I know, God, that I cannot live this life apart from you and ask that you forgive my shortcomings and moments where I think my way is better than yours. I pray that you continue to bless my family and myself and give me the wisdom and courage to boldly examine my choices and decisions as you allow me the opportunity to raise one of your own. Keep me in your arms and teach me to be a great parent and to minister to your people in the midst of my own busy life. In Jesus name, I pray, AMEN!

31 weeks, 1 day

2011-08-26T15:10:00.003-04:00

I cannot believe I haven't posted in 5 weeks. Shame on me!!! It has been a long 5 weeks and I am just exhausted. Here are some of the details of what has happened since I last logged in.

*I am getting fat...people are telling me that I look SOOO BIG and "there is no way you will make it to October." For the record, I am SHORT and therefore my belly sticks out farther than the average pregnant woman and I have gained within my allotted amount, so BACK OFF!!! lol

*I wake up a LOT at nighttime. I am soooo very tired all the time. And then at 4am, most nights, I wake up, wide awake and cannot get back to sleep until 6 or 7am. Good thing I work 2nd shifts as I can sleep some more in the morning. But, this means my housework is getting neglected. UGH!

*On August 6th, I switched units at my job because it made my schedule a bit better in that I don't have to do any 3rd shifts anymore and now get a two day weekend (my days off are Thursday and Friday) rather than having to come in on one of my days off for a staff meeting. The change in units has been rather challenging as I am learning some new skills and the job keeps me on my feet a lot more than the previous one. But, it became available and I had to take it when it opened up. Makes it a bit easier to return to when I return from my maternity leave.

*Since taking my new position, and subsequently moving around more frequently, I have been noticing a LOT more braxton hicks contractions. They happen ALL THE TIME...when I have to go to the bathroom, when the baby moves, when I have gas, when I switch positions in bed, when I wake up, when I lay down, etc. So, on August 9th, I went for a walk with my friend as I do a couple of times a week and I had 6 contractions in my one hour walk. She encouraged me to call the doctor. I didn't want to make a big deal about it because I had had a lot of contractions in my pregnancy with Ethan and had started to dilate about this time in his pregnancy too. I had been hooked up to the monitors several times and given anti contraction medication a couple of times and still never delivered him until 40 weeks. So after I got home from the walk, I lied down on my left side, drank a bunch of water and the contractions subsided. I called the doctor anyway and spoke with one of the nurses who talked to the doctor. They told me that some people have what is called uterine irritability, so these contractions I was having could just be normal for me. I was instructed to call if I had more than 12 in a day and more than 4-6 in an hour and they would assess it again. But, I am not worried.

On 8/18/11 I went into the doctor for my 30 week checkup and ultrasound.

Here are my notations for his growth at 30 weeks, 0 day:
Placenta: looking good along the back of the uterus
Heart Rate: 150 beats per minute
Cervical length: 3.0 mm (this is good as long as it is over 3 mm).
Head circumference: 28.49 cm
Head length (BPD): 7.64 cm
Femur length: 5.69 cm
Abdominal circumference: 26.94 cm
Amt. of amniotic fluid: plenty: 16.6 (anything over 10 is good and under 24)
Weight: 3 lb, 9 oz
Measuring: 30 weeks, 2 days
Presentation: head down
Mom weight: 150.0 (random fact: I was this weight at the beginning of Ethan's pregnancy, so hopefully I won't gain too much more as I worked hard to take off the weight after his pregnancy)
Mom BP: 100/60
Mom Pulse: good
Placenta is looking good and it posterior!

This baby has been consistently in the 55th percentile on the growth curve and is doing just great. The doctor reviewed the ultrasound and came in to tell me that she looked hard to try to find something that was off, but everything is looking just perfect!! I showed her my sugar readings and there were two that were high, so she wanted me to test more of my breakfast time sugars to be sure that was under control. I think it is fine, I just have not been following my diet very closely as I had with Ethan's pregnancy. I am eating a lot of donuts, fast food, sugared cereals, etc. So far, I am not diagnosed with gestational diabetes, so I will not be a slave to the rigidity of the diet until I have to.

We talked a long time with Dr. Keeton as she is so patient with us. She described how the c-section will go, who can be in there with me, what happens to the baby when he is born, where Shaun will be, how anesthesia will manage my care. Again she asked if I needed some counseling as I approach delivery and my anxiety increases. I let her know this is not necessary as I have dealt with the grief, anxiety, and my thoughts. I just needed specific information related to my current care and health and that is what would ease my anxiety. We talked about my cousin who had a heart attack during her c-section and the doctor assured me that this was extremely rare and shouldn't worry about that, but let the anesthesiologist know all my concerns when I get there. So I need to make a list of what I am supposed to remind the anesthesiologist on the day of the c-section. I will do that later.

I have an NST (non-stress test) scheduled for September 6th. I will be 32 weeks, 5 days then and will be at the office twice a week from then on. I will be seen 3 days later for a BPP (biophysical profile) and doctor visit and every 3-4 days the cycle will continue until I deliver.

An NST is where I will have a contraction monitor and a heart rate monitor strapped to my belly. I will mark whenever the baby moves and when a healthy baby moves, the heart rate usually goes up. If the baby moves two or more times in 20 minutes and the heart rate increases by 15 beats and stays increased for 15 seconds, then the baby is probably doing well. The contraction monitor will record how the baby's heart rate reacts to contractions as well as if there are too many contractions at one time.

A BPP is an ultrasound that looks at the baby's muscle tone and movements and checks the baby's breathing movements, the fluid around baby, and the general health of the baby. I have never had this done before, so I am not sure how it assesses health correctly. I will let you know soon enough...2 weeks from now is my first BPP.

So, we are well into the 3rd trimester. My back is aching, my hips hurt and sometimes my belly gets beat up so badly by his little feet that I go numb in some spots. In less than 7 weeks we will meet our little boy!!! I am so stinking excited!!!

Father, thank you so much for blessing our pregnancy and our marriage in this way. We praise you for who you are and what you are doing in our lives. I ask that you be with us for the next 48 days and you show your goodness to all around us!! Your love is beautiful. In Jesus' name, AMEN!

26 weeks, 1 day

2011-07-22T12:18:00.004-04:00

Ok, I am a slacker. Sorry for the lack of report. I am quite tired lately and just haven't been feeling up to blogging.

Two weeks ago I had a checkup with the nurse so to ease some of my anxiety. It was kinda pointless. I knew he was doing well as he kicks the crap out of me daily. So, I traveled there for a blood pressure and weight and baby heart rate visit. We both were doing fantastic. No problems and all was good. So, the 2 hour drive there and back didn't seem worth the 10 minute check-up. Note to self -- you can deal with not going for 4 weeks. If you suspect a problem, have one of your nursing friends check your pulse, blood pressure, and your fellow-obsessive-mama-consultants can check baby's heart rate with their fetal heart monitors. Or call the doc and she will send you to triage. DUH!

So over the last four weeks I have been enjoying this baby. He moves all over the place, he makes my belly jump and I really don't mind maternity clothes. I have some contractions here and there, but nothing I am too concerned about. I have begun walking 3 times a week again and testing my blood sugars randomly has not been too extreme at all. I feel a bit lazy at times and don't really get much of my housework done like I should, but overall, I don't care that much about it either. I find myself waking up to go to the bathroom and often times am up for a few hours afterward. Thankfully, baby is active at this time and we can bond over the Lifetime Movie Network Shows and then we get back to sleep for a few hours. It is hard to get comfortable in bed as once I lay on one side, baby lets gravity move him all the way to the mattress. And then it starts getting uncomfortable again, so I switch sides and he floats back to the other side of the mattress. The game I play is prop a pillow under one hip, so I am not flat on my back and then try to balance him in the center of my belly. This floating made me wonder if he had too much amniotic fluid to move around in.

Yesterday, on the hottest day of the year, I had an ultrasound and doctor appointment scheduled. I haven't really been too affected by the heat as I love summer and hate to complain about something I love. But, it was a hot one! Shandra drove me to AA since I do not have air in my car. (Thanks Shandra!!) The ultrasound was first and since we had just eaten at Chili's less than an hour prior to the appointment, I decided I couldn't wait until after the ultrasound to use the restroom. So, I went and then filled up my bladder again as I am supposed to have 16 oz of water one hour prior. Once in the ultrasound, the tech told me that my bladder was really full. No need to tell me, I already know!!!!!!!!

Here are my notations for his growth at 26 weeks, 0 day:
Placenta: looking good along the back of the uterus
Heart Rate: 155 beats per minute
Cervical length: 3.7 mm (this is good as long as it is over 3 mm).
Head circumference: 21.4 cm
Head length (BPD): 6.5 cm
Femur length: 4.9 cm
Abdominal circumference: 22 cm
Amt. of amniotic fluid: plenty: 15.1 (anything over 10 is good and under 24)
Weight: 2 lb, 1 oz
Measuring due date: October 30, 2011 (within a week of the ovulation due date, so due date will remain the same -- October 27, 2011)
Mom weight: 146.2 (yikes....)
Mom BP: 100/50
Mom Pulse: 68
Placenta is looking good (I had her do a thorough look at it and use color to verify where blood enters and leaves) and his kidneys and bladder are distended like they should be. He is now head down and looked like he was punching me in the bladder!

This little boy is doing fine. No problems with amniotic fluid at all. My sugars are looking great so I will just need to check randomly. Not even as much as I have been.

I asked about a TB test...it is fine to do during pregnancy.
I asked about being in the extreme heat especially at work...it is fine so long as you can get cool and stay hydrated. No prolonged outdoor activities that are like Saunas.
We talked about my high risk condition and what limitations I have that is different from a normal pregnancy. She told me that so far every thing has turned out normally, but we are being overly-cautious because of the outcome of Ethan's pregnancy. No scuba diving, skydiving, horseback riding, climbing ladders, excessive heat, any activity that has the potential for falling or overheating.
We talked about vacationing and how far away I should be from home. She stated that I could travel by car just fine, but if it made me feel better that I could map out the closest big hospitals nearby before I choose a destination and if I needed to call the office for reassurance, I could do so.
We talked about the frequent nose bleeds I had been having, and she decided that I needed to have a CBC (complete blood count) done and she would check my platelets. She also wanted to get my records from Ethan's delivery and subsequent clotting factor labs that I had had done. I thought I had sent them there, but they had not arrived.

After the appointment, I scheduled almost all of the rest of the appointments up to the date of delivery. I will return in 4 weeks for a dr. appt. and ultrasound. Then 2 weeks later I will have a dr. appointment. Then I will have Non stress tests on Mondays, and bio-physical profiles on Thursdays each week until I deliver. Took us 15 minutes just to schedule all the appointments!!!

All in all, I feel great, and baby is healthy. I can't wait to meet little guy.

Father, thank you for such great reports. I praise you because you continue to astound me in your creation and how you worked the human reproduction all out. It is truly amazing and I am beyond blessed. Thank you so much for your faithfulness. AMEN!

22 weeks, 2 days

2011-06-25T09:57:00.003-04:00

I am starting to really get anxious...and I don't mean all in the good way.

I had my 22 week appointment on Friday. I started the day off extremely nauseous. While I was getting ready to leave my house for the 45-50 minute drive to Ypsilanti to the doctor, my hair straightener was warming up in the bathroom and I was pouring my cereal for breakfast, I took one small bite and got this overwhelming feeling of YUCK! I was deep breathing to try to ward off the gag reflex as I made my way to the bathroom. It took me a few seconds to realize that I was getting hot and dizzy. I decided it was better for me to lay on the couch and remove some of my excess clothing -- it was a cool and misty day after all, so I was bundled with long jeans and a long sleeved shirt. As I lay there, breathing heavily and moaning, Shaun stared across the room at me in wonder. "Are you okay?"

"Um, no, I am gonna puke," I tell him.

"Do you want me to cancel the appointment? We are going to be late if we don't leave soon."

I thought about the anxiousness I had been feeling over the last week. I had been contracting a lot more than I thought I should, I had this scraping feeling near my pelvic area, and my friend's who work at St. Joe's just told me that the lead doctor in the practice was no longer apart of the practice and the helicopter service was being merged with another hospital. Plus, it had been a long 3 weeks since I had last seen the doctor. "No, don't cancel. If I am late and they don't let me in, then I will probably want to go to the hospital anyway, since I am feeling anxious about these contractions and excess movement I have been having. Give me a minute to sit up slowly and regain my composure and we can go."

The next few minutes I was certain that I wasn't going to be able to make the almost one hour drive without barfing, so I asked Shaun to find something to take with us for a vomit basin. He found a small waste basket from our computer room to lug along. Slowly, I got up, redressed myself and shut off my hair straightener before leaving.

I managed to will myself to drink the 16 ounces of water one hour before the appointment so the technologist could have a full bladder for my ultrasound. And luckily did not need to use the makeshift basin in the car. We arrived 7 minutes late, but the receptionist did not mention my tardiness, just signed me in as usual.

The ultrasound began and we saw once again our little boy who was growing as he should. The sonographer pointed out that he was a footling breech, which explained to me why it felt as though he was trying to dig his way out of my uterus. One of his feet are hanging down by my cervix and his head is up near my lungs.

Here are my notations for his growth at 22 weeks, 1 day:
Placenta: looking good along the back of the uterus
Heart Rate: 153 beats per minute
Cervical length: 3.1 mm (this is good as long as it is over 3 mm).
Head circumference: 19.55 cm
Head length (BPD): 5 cm
Femur length: 3.8 cm
Abdominal circumference: 16.9 cm
Amt. of amniotic fluid: plenty, we will begin measuring this starting the next ultrasound
Weight: 1 lb, 1 oz
Measuring due date: October 31, 2011 (within a week of the ovulation due date, so due date will remain the same -- October 27, 2011)
Mom weight: 139.8 (up 3.4 pounds from last visit...yuck, gotta get this under control)
Mom BP: 102/78
Mom Pulse: 90 (yep, still anxious and nauseous)
Mom O2: 99

I knew I was going to be meeting with Dr. K., the one doctor in the practice that I had not met with yet. She walked into the room with a bright smile on her face and introduced herself. She stated she had heard my name and knew about me but couldn't believe she had not met with me yet. I just started talking, telling her about my nausea and all the other things I had mentioned. Finally I slowed down and took a deep breath and asked her pointed questions.

Me: I have been contracting significantly these last few weeks, do you think I should be monitored?
Dr. K: Any time you want, call us and talk to us about your concerns, and we can send you to triage and have it checked out. It is okay to be anxious after your losses.
Me: Well, I live an hour away, so I don't want to come to triage for nothing. But, I felt my cervix a little lower this morning and it felt like it might have a fingertip opening to it.
Dr. K: Would you feel better if I checked you?
Me: Could you, please? Also, I heard that Dr. B. is gone. How will the office be restructured?
Dr. K: nothing you need to worry about. There will be a doctor on call and one in the office every week.
Me: So, you and Dr. W. will split the duties 50/50 now instead of 40/30/30 before?
Dr. K: yes, and we have a midwife you may see at your office visits sometimes, and we have another doctor in here who will work minimally, but you probably won't see him much.
Me: So, since you have heard about me, I guess you know my history pretty well.
Dr. K: Yes, I have read over everything you have provided to us, including your previous pregnancies and doctor reports regarding that, but don't want you to have to relive all the details of your losses by having to share it once again with me if you don't want to. But, if you want me to know anything more specific, I will let you share whatever it is you want to share with me.
Me: Good, and I don't need to share anything else right now, but may want to at future visits. If I have a bleeding emergency, will it be quicker to send a helicopter or for me to drive to St. Joe's.
Dr. K: Good question. But, you will need to go to your local hospital first even if you want a helicopter to pick you up, they won't pick you up at your home.
Me: I know, but my local hospital was not equipped to deal with my emergency even when I was admitted in the hospital the last time, so I would like to be transported somewhere I could get an anesthesiologist immediately.
Dr. K: Understandable, but think positively that you are not going to have an emergency this time. Do you think you need to take something for your anxiety? Like Zoloft?
Me: I have been doing okay with my anxiety and don't think I need meds. I just have been worried a little more this week.
Dr. K: well, let us know whatever we can do to help you get through this pregnancy. It is going to be okay and we are monitoring you so very closely and want you to be able to enjoy this time and feel okay about it. So, if you think you need meds, please let us know and tell us what you need to feel more comfortable. Speaking of which, have you talked with the other doctors about your delivery.
Me: Well, I was told I couldn't deliver until 39 weeks and that the safest way to do so was by c-section. What do you think?
Dr. K: I always think vaginal deliveries are best except when there is a possibility for uterine rupture from prior surgeries. Plus, you need to not go full term, so I would not recommend induction, but if you were to come in to the hospital at 5 cm dilated at say 35 weeks and you were strong into labor, then we would see how it goes and let you deliver, but at this point, I would suggest a c-section at 38 weeks. Is that ok?
Me: um...yes, ok by me.
Dr. K: good. Cause I just scheduled it for October 13, 2011 at 8am.
Me: um...hmmmmm....ok! Are you going to be the doctor on call that week and deliver me?
Dr. K: yes, that is me. And then you will see our new doctor on Friday morning rounds, but me for the most part. Is that ok?
Me: yep. Ok.
Dr. K: Now let's talk about the potential for gestational diabetes. What do you think about just taking a few random fasting blood sugars at home and a few random 1 hour after meals and tell me if you see any more than a couple highs or detect any patterns instead of having to drink the glucose and doing the 3 hour test again?
Me: Um...ok. But, my batteries in my glucometer are dead.
Dr. K: Well, get some new batteries, and we will give you a script for some test strips. Now, you don't have to do all the blood sugars, but just randomly test them and let us know at each visit what you did.
Me: Ok.
Dr. K: your ultrasound looks good, your cervix is high and closed tight, and I think you are doing great. Now, when would you like to come back again?
Me: When would you like me to?
Dr. K: Whenever will make you feel more confident and comfortable with this process and reduce your anxiety. Was 3-4 weeks too long between visits?
Me: yes.
Dr. K: Ok, then, what if we have you come in 2 weeks from now and do a nurse visit where she will check weight, blood pressure, baby's heart rate and answer any questions from you and if you need to see the doc, we will be right here. And then in 4 weeks you can come in and have a growth ultrasound and then see the doctor. You can alternate every 2 weeks between doc and nurse and then at 32 weeks we will be seeing you twice a week; one for ultrasound and one for NST. And we will deliver you at 38 weeks. But, if you say you can't stand it anymore at 36 weeks, then we will deliver you then, too. What do you think about that?
Me: Perfect.

The visit was over. I scheduled my nursing visit for July 7 and the next ultrasound for July 21. WOW!

I didn't tell the doctor this, but I had been secretly hoping that I would deliver on October 13. On that day, 11 years ago, was the day my mother died. Shaun thinks I am crazy superstitious, but whatever. I would like to honor my son by sharing with him that he was born on the day of his grandmother's death. I feel like this is a great thing as this would solidify this day as a day of happiness instead of a day of dread. However, when my mom died it was Friday the 13th, so I am ultimately glad that this year October 13th falls on a Thursday. :) Ok, Shaun, you are right. I have a little superstition. hehe. I do know that this is not a set in stone date. If for any health reason it is safer for baby boy to come sooner, I will not hesitate to have his birthday be in late September or before October 13. But, under no circumstances do I believe he will be born after this date. So, here it is. In 16 weeks or less, baby boy Plato #2 will arrive. And, I am anxiously awaiting his presence. Both nervously and courageously.

Father, I thank you so much for a very patient doctor who is willing to let me have a little sense of control over this pregnancy to feel confident in my ability to deal with it. I thank you for the changes that have been made in the office that at first seemed to be a burden on me, but has turned into a blessing. I thank you for giving me a glimpse of hope amidst the scariness of this pregnancy by infusing my mother's birth date to Heaven into the potential birth date of her grandson. I thank you that you are forever in control of all the circumstances and outcomes of this pregnancy and all the rest of everything.

I pray that you continue to provide solace and blessing to Shaun and me during the next 4 months and beyond and praise you for your provision with Shaun getting a job this week despite the threat of unemployment being depleted. I praise you that your perfect timing have been proven over and over again and I ask that you continue to astound me with your presence. I thank you and praise you every moment.

I pray Lord for my friend's babies that I blogged about earlier this month and ask that you continue to help them heal. But, praise you from the mountaintops that both of them are home and thriving!!! I pray that you continue to show yourself faithful and merciful to their families by giving them HOPE through your son Jesus and showing them miracles in their everyday advancements. Praise you for a job well done, once again, Great Physician.

I pray all this and much, much more in the mighty name of Jesus, AMEN!

20 weeks, 3 days

2011-06-12T13:08:00.002-04:00

This past week has been emotionally draining. With a friend's newborn baby boy in the NICU after his surgery last week, and another friend's 2-month old baby girl having surgery a couple of days ago for the same rare disease, I was just about spent. I can't say that I am particularly close to either of these friends. We are acquaintances in the sense that we don't see each other regularly. In fact, I hadn't met with my first friend face to face since several years ago when she started attending a different church. And the other friend and I are bonded by the loss of our previous children, having met each other in a support group. So, Facebook has made it easier for me to be in contact with people I might not otherwise have a face to face relationship. And for this I am grateful, but will keep their names obscured for the sake of the parents privacy.

So, when baby girl was born 2 months prior, I visited her and her mom in the hospital a day after birth. She was so precious, but was having trouble feeding. Days later she was in the NICU and it was discovered she had a rare genetic disease affecting her bowels. She was able to go home within a week when she passed stool on her own, but the doctors knew that soon she would need surgery. I prayed for her and her family the entire week she was in the NICU until her mom was able to bring her home, happy and seemingly healthy.

And when baby boy was born two and 1/2 weeks ago, I was stunned that he too had difficulty with feeding and pooing. He was taken to the NICU and was determined to have the same rare genetic disorder, but was forced to have surgery that day. Immediately I was drawn to prayer. I lifted his little body up to the one who is the Great Physician, certain that He would heal him and bring him home to his mommy. It was the least I could do, I thought, as so many wonderful people had prayed for me during my time with Ethan in the NICU.

And when I asked my baby girl friend to pray for this family too, she gladly agreed and let me know she was meeting with the surgeon this week too.

On Wednesday, I received a message on my answering machine from a support group leader who was sharing with me that baby boy was having complications from surgery and would need to have more surgery. That call shook me to the core. I fell to my knees, begging, weeping, pleading with God to surround the family with his angels and give them peace as they underwent yet another trial. I could not stand to know that this family was enduring more than I thought they could bare. I had never interceded like that in my life. It felt as though God instructed me to pray, stabbing me in my heart, pulling at all my fears at once. The overwhelming need to cry and sob and beg and plead on their behalf took me over. I was in the moment, with God, and asking him to be all that they needed.

It was great to hear news that he had made it through the surgery ok, but sad to know that his recovery time was to be weeks.

The following day, I learned that baby girl was due to have the same surgery as baby boy had the week prior. Knowing what I knew about baby boy, I again interceded with the same intensity that I had previously with baby boy. It is so hard to do anything else. So I will pray. Baby girl's surgery went well and will have some more recovery time.

But, what I learned this past week is no one is exempt from these trials, babies are complex and God is amazing with timing. I cannot describe really how this timing all seemed to work together, but from the way I view it, it has been entirely too perfect. I cannot wait for the day I see baby girl and baby boy crawling and playing with one another, happy and healthy.

And so this week I wept. I wept for remembering my time with a baby in the NICU. I wept for the babies who underwent surgery and NICU stays. I wept for the moms and dads of these infants. I wept for those who are currently pregnant awaiting a healthy newborn. And I wept for those who are still surviving infertility. Yes, I haven't forgotten about you.

People have said that once I was pregnant and expecting I would forget all about the time and torture it took to get here. I assure you, I have not. 6 years ago I was pregnant with my first son. 5.5 years ago I delivered complicatedly my son and within 5 days he died. For two more years I was instructed not to get pregnant so as not to put more risk to me. For an additional 1.5 years we feared another pregnancy. Once we began trying, 6 months passed without a period. 6 additional months passed inducing a period with medications that made me wacky. One month after consulting with a fertility specialist, I achieved and miscarried a second pregnancy. 4 months and no pregnancy later, we decided to endure hormone shots and achieved pregnancy again, only to miscarry my baby girl 2 months later. And for the next grueling 3 months figured that our time to conceive and carry a child to term had ceased, only to find that we were finally expecting a healthy baby to arrive. I feel like I have been trying to have kids for 6 + years. This is the longest pregnancy in the history of the world, it seems. I cannot forget the countless hours I prayed for and wished for and pined for a healthy baby and even though I carry one in my womb, I know too well the hundreds of things that could go wrong. I know too many people who continue to have trials despite surviving others. So, I remember you, my infertility sisters who are still on the journey to achieve pregnancy and I applaud you for still trying. Don't give up and keep trusting that the God who loves you will provide! If he put that desire in your heart, he will fulfill it. BELIEVE IT!!

I close today with a prayer for my NICU babies and for my infertility friends: Father, I pray for baby boy and baby girl who continue in their recovery period after surgery this past week. I pray that you bring peace to the families, strength to the infants and a complete full recovery of them both. I pray for your provision of the other details surrounding the other family members and ask that you be present with them at all times. I pray also for my infertility sisters that you give them glimpses of what you are trying to do within them to bring them the family the so desire. Give them wisdom, good doctors and perseverance despite years of trying. I pray that they achieve pregnancy soon. I pray all this and more in the mighty name of JESUS! AMEN!

19 weeks, 1 day

2011-06-03T11:36:00.004-04:00

Oh, the joy of pregnancy. I adore it. Life within me. It is especially affirming when I think I know that baby is kicking daily and the back is up against this side or the head is pounding on my pelvic bone, etc., and then the ultrasound confirms my thoughts. I am in LOVE.

Yesterday was our BIG ultrasound. Thanks to my losing Ethan, I am blessed with many ultrasounds this pregnancy, but this was the main one. The one that proves health and all body structures present and the presence or not of a penis!

My husband was able to get out of a couple of hours of clinicals to go with me. The appointment was in the late afternoon. It has been super important for us to know the gender of the baby so we could finally talk about names. For some reason, Shaun refuses to discuss serious names if he is unsure of the sex.

The day was beautiful. The sun shone bright amidst a clear blue sky with a light breeze. After an hour's drive to the doctor, we proudly walked in the office. There were several visibly pregnant women there, all waiting on ultrasounds as well. Since this is a high risk office, there is no measuring tape to guess baby's size. Every one has a more accurate ultrasound to assess baby's health.

We met Francie, a distinctly different ultrasound tech from the Francie at the U of M fertility office, but her namesake nonetheless. This dark haired lady hurried me onto the table and dug in with her probe. With my notepad in tow, I asked her to please explain what she was seeing and share with me the details. My list looks like this:

u/s sonographer: Francie
measuring: 19 weeks, 1 day
weight: 275 grams
Placenta: looks good, homogeneous, no clots or sub-chorionic hematomas
Umb. Cord: insertion is good, 3 vessels all flowing
heart rate: 144 beats per minute
Heart: 4 chambers, valves operational
Right and left ovaries: both 2.4 mm, back to normal size
cervical length: 3.5cm (perfectly normal)
anything unusual? Nothing found
10 fingers, 10 toes: YES!
head circumference: 16.22 cm
head diameter: 4.21 cm
femur length: 2.94 cm
abdominal circumference: 14.12 cm
Presence of 2 kidneys, kidney arteries, lungs, amniotic fluid, arms, legs, and a PENIS!!

We were so excited. All in all the ultrasound took 35 minutes. As soon as she revealed the sex, she had me leave the room to empty my bladder so she could see my cervix as baby's head was stuck down there. She turned the lights on, and Shaun was grinning. Probably the biggest grin I have ever seen. Similar to the grin I saw him have when he held Ethan for the first time. Even though we knew at that time that it was 90% likely he would die, Shaun smiled proudly for the camera. I knew he wanted a boy. Almost as much as I wanted a girl. I smiled, too, and said, "well, I guess we are having more kids." I thought if I got a girl, then maybe I would be done with this roller coaster of infertility and pregnancy. I guess not.

The rest of the ultrasound continued and then it was time for the doctor appointment. Luckily I brought with me a copy of a website detailing the exact sizes everything should be so I could compare notes. Every single thing was right on the button. Not a single measurement was off by a couple of mm. Shaun took note that baby's upper lip seemed to be sticking out as far as his nose, "He's gonna be able to stick his tongue out and touch his nose like his mama!" Not something I am currently proud of, but I do have an uncanny ability to do this. Hehe!

I only gained 2 pounds from the last visit 4 weeks ago and that brings my total weight gain to 12 pounds since ovulation day....136.4. Yikes. I finally admitted it. My goal is to stay under 150. That was my starting weight with Ethan's pregnancy. I was much more of a chunkier girl then, and I worked hard for 5 years to bring my weight down, don't want to ruin it now. Blood pressure is low: 100/62 and doctor seems to think I will be getting dizzy over the next few weeks as my blood pressure may drop even lower. She is confident that everything is going great and recommended that I visit her again in 3 weeks. So, next ultrasound and appointment will be June 24 @ 10am!!!

I am so blessed. I wrote in my notebook as we sat in the waiting room in between the ultrasound and the doctor . . . SO OBSESSED WITH THIS LITTLE BOY!

Father, Thank you so much for a calm visit, a healthy baby and a beautiful dream coming true in our 2nd son. We are beyond blessed and ask that you continue to bless this pregnancy. Give us the strength to endure the next 20 weeks, and to bring home this healthy robust young boy to his EARTHLY home!

I pray for my friends who have just given birth, that you continue to show them how much of a blessing they have received. I also pray fervently for baby Sutton who is undergoing surgery at this moment for a bowel obstruction. At only one week old, I beg that you keep him safe, make him healthy and pull him through surgery with your tender loving arms and place him back in his mother's arms. I pray that you allow him to heal quickly so he may go home with his mama as early as next week.

Thank you so much for the blessing of friendship and for so many people you have placed into my life to mentor, to learn from and to love. We ask all this in Jesus' name, AMEN!

16 weeks, 0 days

2011-05-12T14:34:00.001-04:00

I cannot believe how time has gone by. And, I am super-duper excited about Baby Plato. She/he is fluttering a little that I notice a couple of times a week. I can't wait for the daily movements to come. Ah, the life of having life within me. Pregnancy makes me feel younger while infertility continued to make me feel older.

This week was Mother's Day. All in all, it was a good day for me, I don't yet consider pregnancy being a mom for me to be honored, so no celebrations took place. Since my mother died in October of 2000, I have not really celebrated this day. Shaun's mom died in July 2003 and so neither of us hold any special significance to this day. In 2005, I barely knew I was pregnant with Ethan and was experiencing bleeding so I didn't think to call myself a mom that day either. And then after he died in 2006, that Mom's day was the worst.

I remember a couple of weeks leading up to it when I was having counseling with one of the pastor's at my church. I noticed the Projection board in the corner of the room with the dates on it and there it was. "Y'all are doing a baby dedication on Mother's Day?" I asked him, annoyed, seeing as though they had never done a baby dedication day in this church as long as I had attended for 4 years.

"Well, so far," he said, "that is the tentative plan."

I looked at Shaun who was sitting silently next to me on the soft plush couch and threw gritted teeth proclaimed, "we are NOT going to go that day!"

My pastor assured me that God was okay with me skipping out on church that day. He recognized that I was in the Anger stage of Grief and needed to set boundaries with certain situations in life. "Over the next year you are going to experience life differently than what you had expected and that is sure to cause you more grief. Give yourself permission to go and cry throughout the whole thing if you want, or stay home and cry too. Anything you choose to do will be the right option for you. But, remember, you will eventually have to face this. You probably don't want to skip Mother's Day every year, do you?"

That sounded like a good plan at the time. Why shouldn't I skip it every year? I don't have moms and I don't have kids. And, at that time, I wasn't planning on EVER having children. It was too scary that I could stare death right in the face again. If it's gonna make me cry each time, I thought, then why bother?

Those next few weeks slowly passed by. Shaun and I discussed whether to go or not to go all the time. The anticipation of it was driving me insane. I finally decided the day before that I would go. I can't hide from my grief and tiny purpose moms told me that usually the anticipation of the event is usually worse than the event itself.

We arrived at the church and I was sad when no one wished me a Happy Mother's Day. Didn't I in fact give birth to an 8 pound, 9 ounce baby boy just 4 short months earlier? But, since my delivery was church wide public knowledge, I knew they were just trying to spare me of being sad. We learned from the church bulletin that the baby dedication was postponed for another couple of weeks and wouldn't be held at the same time as regular church. What a relief, I thought.

The sermon was on What Makes a mother's day? It was tough to listen to. I wrote in my notes, I wonder if I can even have any more kids. I wonder if God thought I wouldn't make a good mom. I wonder if my body will ever get back to normal. I don't remember the details of what the pastor taught, but I remember the prayer.

I was so excited that I made it through the entire service without crying. That was my hope for the day. And then the prayer just before dismissal.

Pastor asked us all to bow our heads to pray and then he invited all the moms, to be moms, and grandmoms to stand up. I was comfortable with my decision to sit. I didn't feel like a mom. I had earned no right to be honored in that way. And when I didn't stand, two women sitting behind me put their hands on my shoulders. Just having the touch me showed me that they acknowledged that I was in that room, hiding from my thoughts, painfully enduring the worst year of my life. And the tears. Would. Not. Stop. I will never forget those two ladies and their kind gesture. And as I write about them, my eyes are filling with tears even now, 5 years later.

Once I gained my composure, I left the auditorium and was greeted by a woman I met and knew only during Ethan's short life. She had come into the hospitals and prayed over both of us for each of the five days we were there. That mother's day, she gave me a gift, telling me that even though I do not have my child here with me, I birthed him after nine long months of pregnancy and she was recognizing that I was a mom, too.

Later that evening, I was asked to speak at my cousin's wedding coming up the next week. I agreed and he and his fiancee had left an envelope with the passage in it. I opened it up and it was a dedication to their mothers. It said something like, nothing is greater in this world than to hold your child against your chest and feel his/her warm skin against yours and watch the tenderness of your child sleeping, etc., etc.

I was appalled! I cried some more even when I thought, surely there are no more tears to cry after having cried all day. And moments later my cousin's fiancee called to see if I got the passage. "Is this a sick joke?" I asked her, almost yelling. "You know that my baby just died and it is mother's day. Do you really think I should be the one to read this at your wedding? I cannot believe you would do this to me. No! I will not speak at your wedding." And I hung up.

Although, I now know that there was no bad intention, it was just terrible timing and a terrible oversight on her part. I cried and yelled and screamed the rest of that night. Too bad my cousin had to deal with his fiancee's reaction to my overreaction, because in her eyes, I was ruining her wedding day. To me, they were desecrating my first mother's day without my son.

The rest of the mother's days after that have been a blur. I knew what to expect and just rolled with the fact, that I know that I am a mom, but others may not recognize me. That's ok to me, most of the time.

So, at 16 weeks pregnant, and having lost 3 babies total, I didn't feel comfortable proclaiming that I was a mom. Because if I end up losing this child, next year, I will not be able to again claim to be a mom. So, once this baby girl/boy is in my arms, breathing, full term and healthy, then I can call myself mom.

If you are a Tiny Purpose mom, I hope you had a gentle Mother's Day. And if you want to share a story here about how your day went, I would love to read it. And look back here to a post about becoming a mother.

Father, I thank you that you are wise enough to know that our emotions are ever changing and that you love us no matter what mood we are in. I praise you that you continue to breathe life into my little one's heart and I ask that you keep him/her safe until delivery day in October.

I pray for my friends who are following this journey, whether they are TP moms, are infertility buddies, are pregnant friends, are male lurkers or female followers. I ask that you bless them, continue to help them to see you through their circumstances and that you love them the same as you do me. I pray that you continue to keep me honest while writing this blog, so that you are glorified. In Jesus' name, AMEN!

15 weeks, 0 days

2011-05-05T18:49:00.003-04:00

Time has flown by these last few weeks. I have been meaning to update all of you but the fatigue is kicking my behind. Plus I am still feeling a little nauseous!

Last week, when I was 14 weeks, 1 day I had an ultrasound. Unfortunately, the doctor was called out on an emergency, so I didn't get to talk to a doc, but that is why I got to come in today for a meeting with him. My scan went wonderfully. Baby is looking great, growing as he/she should be and heartbeat is strong and 158 beats per minute. It measured 8.58cm and that is a couple of days ahead of what should be and my cervix is the right length at 3.44 cm. I asked about my placenta and it appears to be growing normally along the right side and back of uterus with no potential weak spots visible. My left ovary is still enlarged and has multiple follicles on it, but they are decreasing in size. I asked the tech to make an educated guess about gender but she would not, saying that she feels she must be 99% sure of it before she says anything and at this age, no one can be that sure. I am so relieved that I made it through the first trimester without any problems. The doctor says I am out of the woods for an early loss and thinks that I still have only a 3-4% chance of placental abruption throughout the entire pregnancy. WHEW!!!Aww! Look how cute she/he is! I am in love already!!!! That white mark above her/his head is the baby waving...yep that is the hand! Hi there baby Plato~!

My weight has increased by 10 pounds since before pregnancy and I expressed my concern. The nurse didn't think this was a big deal but offered for me to speak with the dietitian. I accepted. Today I spoke with her and she set me on a plan that would be similar to if I in fact has gestational diabetes. I think I was doing fairly well anyway, but she gave me some materials and plans to follow which will make it easier when I want to eat more than I should. At least I will know that I am getting enough food for the baby without causing me grief. The dietitian reported that it was refreshing to her to see someone concerned about weight gain in pregnancy because she finds that most women don't seem to care and some even come in saying they've gained 70-80 pounds.

After the dietary consult, I was able to have a checkup with the doctor. Again my BP was low, 98/52 and the nurse listened to the fetal heart tones instead of ultrasound. 160-165 and she let me listen to it for a good 60 second. Smiling, she said, "isn't that the greatest sound in the world?!" I smiled back saying, "More than you know, after two years of trying, two miscarriages and 5 years after the death of my newborn."

Once the doctor came in, he said that my Nuchal Translucency results were negative. I have a very low chance for Down's or Trisomy 18, 1:26,000 for Down's and 1:14,000 for Tri 18. YAY! He explained that all is looking good and sent me on my way. I will have my next appointment June 2 at 2:40pm and that will be our anatomy ultrasound. I will know if he/she is one or the other! I cannot wait. I am not sure how I will be able to go 4 weeks without hearing little one's heartbeat, but I am hoping I can start to feel something more regularly soon. Oh, by the way, I am feeling the flutters a couple times a week now. Especially when I wake up on my belly. Must be he/she is trying to wake me up and tell me to get back on my side. It is so uncomfortable in my bed. And, I get my new, super-soft, (and medium soft on Shaun's side), King sized bed delivered tomorrow! I am so excited to spread out and be comfortable in my bed.

Anyway, being 15 weeks brings a bit of a relief to me. I got passed the first hurdle of loss. And I feel fairly confident that I can bring a live, healthy, term newborn home in 5 1/2 months. It seems so strange that everything is going well. I expected to have such adversity after all that I have been through. I wonder when the fear will return. I thought I would be so scared of a subsequent pregnancy. So far, I feel carefree. I am once again in awe of how God creates life within a human. It is utterly amazing when I look at the ultrasound pics and think that is my child I helped to create along with my husband and the LORD. I feel assured in God's provision and trust His plan. I am not a victim of my circumstance, I am a survivor of horrific things. I am here and I am able to tell about it. Oh, how I long to share success with all of you in months to come. Oh, praise His NAME!

Father, I thank you so much for continued good news at each visit. I pray that you continue to bless my child and me and give us strength to withstand this pregnancy. I pray for continued health and favor among us. Help me to show others who YOU are through this period in life and teach me to follow your ways.

I pray for my friends and family members who are pregnant. I pray for the one who is experiencing pain in her back and ask that you heal it with minimal intervention, so she can enjoy the pregnancy and do it again some day. I pray for the one who is also 15 weeks that her Gestational Diabetes is taken care of by diet and exercise alone, with no more need for medical intervention. I pray that her heart is healed too as she sometimes fears another loss. I pray for the one who is due in a couple of months, that she will have a swift, painless delivery and her little guy will be healthy. I pray for my friend who just found out she is having a little girl that her pregnancy continues to go smoothly! For all my other pregnant friends I pray for blessing. And for those still trying, or grieving the loss of their babies, I pray that you fill them with your love, your grace and your spirit. I ask all these things and more in JESUS' name, AMEN!

12 weeks, 3 days

2011-04-17T13:18:00.003-04:00

"Turn right at the driveway before the stoplight, it will have a sign that says, 'Arbor Circle,'" I tell Shaun as we pull up closer to the doctor office. It had been a long one-hour drive and I was nervous. I barely spoke the entire ride, wondering if I would go in the office and not be able to detect the heartbeat as I had in November with my little girl. The only times I did speak was when I begged Shaun to slow down and not tailgate the cars in front of him.

"This one?" he asks as he was driving too quickly to make the turn.

"Nevermind..." I tell him thinking that he was just going to pass the turn and we would just enter the parking lot from a different direction. But, Shaun crazily spun the steering wheel into the direction of the parking lot and I screamed! The wheels skidded across the gravel on the shoulder of the opposite side of the driveway and the car missed the red fire hydrant by a few inches of the driver's side door, as I anxiously looked at the four foot deep ditch we narrowly avoided rolling into. The car stalled out moments before the large metal sign indicating this was our entrance was right in front of our grill.

"Is this it?" Shaun asked. I didn't answer him as I was in shock. I could feel my pulse throbbing out of my neck and I had a lump in my throat. My nerves were more than a little now, I was at my peak. I slammed the car door and speed walked to the office.

Once back in the exam room I waited for the doctor. The male doctor entered and we talked about some of my history again and I asked him what his recommendation was. He told me that he would recommend that even though a normal pregnant woman would be seen every other week starting at 32 weeks, he would like me to come in twice a week. We would do a ultrasound on the first visit that week and then a non-stress test the second visit each week. We would continue to do that checking to be sure all is going ok, that the placenta is fully intact and if all goes well, we would schedule a c-section at 39 weeks. I asked him if I would be considered normal until 32 weeks, and then he told me that he recommends that I get an ultrasound every 4 weeks until then. So, I will have an ultrasound today, then 18 weeks, then 22, then 26, then 30, then 32 and each additional week thereafter. After listening to my history and knowing how much anxiety I have, he decided that he would also like me to come in for another ultrasound two weeks from now for peace of mind. He was very attentive and listened to me and sounded as though he believed that everything was going to go well.

And then came the ultrasound. This little one was quite somber and still, so I worried that something was wrong, and then the sonographer showed me the baby's strong heartbeat -- 161 beats per minute! This test was to check for genetic abnorm-alities that are incompatible with life and down's syndrome. The baby had a nasal bone (good thing, since down's syndrome baby's usually don't at this stage) and the baby's fluid at the back of its neck was 1.37 cm which is right where it is supposed to be. The heart looked good, the legs and arms looked normal, its placenta looked good and the baby measured 12 weeks, 3 days. The baby was 5.83 cm long and looked just perfect to me. I had to have a blood draw to make a final conclusion about whether or not this baby has signs of abnormalities and will get that result in the mail sometime this week.

Shaun and I went to Once Upon a Child afterward to buy a couple maternity clothes and then went home.

Father, thank you again for blessing us with our fourth child to love, to raise and to cherish. We thank you for the way you intricately weave together this 2.5 inch being with all parts intact. I praise you Lord for it all. I ask that you continue to bless us as we continue to journey this path to parenthood. Give me the grace to extend grace to my husband, who didn't try to kill us, but almost did. I pray that you help me to show him that I love him and appreciate him. In Jesus' name, AMEN!

10 weeks, 6 days

2011-04-06T19:07:00.003-04:00

WOW! Almost through the first trimester. This is starting to get exciting. However, the fear is still there that things will change in an instant.

Last Monday, when I was 9 weeks, 4 days, I had a nursing appointment at my high risk specialist's group. While there, they interviewed me and recorded all the pertinent information about my medical history, about my previous pregnancies and took a real good history. Unfortunately for me, the weekend prior to this, I had was exposed to someone who broke out in a real fine red raised rash. I didn't think anything of it until I decided to Google it. Yikes. Looked like something bad, like fifth disease or the measles. Long story short, the girl was diagnosed with a viral rash. No one took the time to diagnose it further, but both measles and fifth disease are viral rashes and potentially fatal to the fetus if I were to contract it. I spent the weekend sanitizing my hands, cleaning surfaces and staying away from this person, but I had already been exposed. I let the nurse at the appointment know and she suggested that I get a test done to see if I have any immunity to the fifth disease. If I did get the virus or do not have immunity, then they will be doing serial ultrasounds to be sure the fetus was growing properly.

After an hour of combing through detail after detail about my history, and having been given a new book about Pregnancy and a folder's work of reading material about St. Joe's, the appointment was over. The nurse stood up and was ready to whisk me out the door.

"Would you mind if we could listen to the baby?" I asked, as sweetly as I could be.
"I don't mind, but being that you are only 9 weeks, I don't want you to get upset if we can't hear the heartbeat with the doppler. It is still very early."
I nodded, but secretly was planning the conversation I would have when we didn't hear the heartbeat and begging for an ultrasound.

The nurse went into another room and retrieved the doppler and had me lay flat on a lazy boy chair and pressed the microphone into the top my pubic bone. She heard my heartbeat and wiggled the instrument around and there it was...my little ones very fast 160 beats per minute heartbeat!! I grinned and said thank you and left the room. I was waiting for the test results to come back from my prenatal panel and 1 hour glucose test and they would call me when they came in.

An hour or more later, the nurse called to say that all of my results were normal and where they needed to be except that I still do not have immunity to Rubella. I told this nurse that I had just received a vaccine for this in 2006 after Ethan's birth for the same reason. She said that some people do not build up much immunity, but I would still need to get another vaccine after this birth. AND, the one hour glucose test came back slightly elevated, so I would need to do the 3 hour test. They wanted my number to be under 135, but instead it was 147. I was assuming I would be gestational diabetic, so having to do the 3 hour test did not surprise me. I was to load on carbs for 3 days and then fast 8-12 hours and have the test done fasting, then drink 100g glucola and then take draws at every hour after that. If my results come back high for any 2 of the 4 tests then gestational diabetes it is. I scheduled my test for Monday April 4.

And so I loaded on carbs. Candy bars, ice cream, breads, chex mix, tortilla chips, etc. I hadn't enjoyed this kind of food in years. Since before I had been pregnant with Ethan and discovered I was insulin resistant. I had been dieting fairly well since then in hopes that I would lessen the chance of developing Type 2 diabetes prematurely.

And then on Monday, at 10 weeks 4 days, I had my test. I was sooooo thirsty and tired for the 4 hours I sat at the hospital waiting that I was confident that I was experiencing high sugar reactions. And then the test results came back yesterday.

TEST My result What it should be

Fasting 80 <95
1 hour 142 <180
2 hour 142 <155
3 hour 120 <140

I was in SHOCK! I must have said, "wow" like 100 times when the nurse called me as I was so certain that I would fail miserably. But, no. I did not fail even a single test!!! Other than the fact that I have had 3 losses, this pregnancy is not complicated or high risk at this point!!! I will have to retake the 3 hour test at approximately 24-26 weeks as that is when normal pregnant women start to have more difficulty, but I will take another 14-16 weeks of unrestricted dieting and worry! I am so excited. It makes me realize that it is possible that this pregnancy might work. I feel so much better. With Ethan I spotted on and off the entire first trimester. Looking back now, I am certain that was our first indication of something wrong with the placenta. This pregnancy has presented so much different than my previous ones and I am feeling more and more confident each day.

I know it is very early to begin feeling movements, but I swear I feel the flutters in my low abdomen. Even if it isn't sweet baby Plato, I am so excited to think that this is what is soon to come. I have a doctor appointment on April 15 at 10am. There, we will get another ultrasound as I will be just over 12 weeks pregnant. This ultrasound is a screening test to see if there are any soft markers for spinal cord problems, downs syndrome or other genetic disorders that may be cause for additional monitoring and care of the fetus. We will also have our first prenatal visit with the doctor.

Is this really happening? Am I dreaming? Is my chance to finally be a mom honing in? In the midst of all this I have been reading. Mostly pregnancy books, but my pastor recommended I read the book, Choose to Cheat by Andy Stanley. While I was in the waiting room during my 4 hour test I started and finished this book. I had been complaining about my job interfering with my ability to balance my social life with my husband, my family and my friends. This book challenged me to rethink how I was approaching my job. It encourages people to not spend so much time at work and come home early, etc, yet I found it difficult when I work a shift schedule with little flexibility. Due to my husband's job loss 2.5 years ago, and his subsequent decision to go to college, I have been the sole breadwinner of the family. I gladly took on this role to see my husband pursue a passion within him to become a medical professional. But, now, as his unemployment is finally about to run out, I am becoming a hoarder. We have saved his severance pay in preparation for this time and I worked long hours to save even more money to prepare for this time, but now that the time has come, I don't want to use my savings on this time. Why not work harder and longer and save the savings for a vacation or a car or a down payment on a bigger home, I thought? And then I read this book. I am cheating my family by choosing to work more to have more. So, my critical decision is this. Instead of working all the holidays that I usually work and receive double time and a half's pay, I am going to take the day off and just receive a holiday pay. I am going to quit complaining about not being able to spend time with my family because I work and instead spend time with them because I chose to take a day off. I am going to enjoy taking some of my vacation days this summer and spend time with my nieces and nephews poolside, instead of feeling sorry for myself for missing out on summer because I have to work. And then even though I will need time off for my maternity leave, I am not going to feel guilty if I do not have enough sick/vacation days saved up to pay me during that time. I will just use my savings if necessary. And I will trust that God will know what we need and provide for us just as He always has! After I first read this book on Monday, I thought, this is a nice concept, but just doesn't work for me where I am right now. And then on Tuesday, after prayer about what it could help me in, I had the revelation that I should make this critical decision. AND, not only did I decide this, I filled out time off slips for all of the holidays until the end of 2011, and attached a note to my supervisor explaining my obvious insanity. Those of you struggling with this balance, choose to read this book. It is worth it. Thanks, Pastor Scott.

Anyway, I am hopeful, excited and optimistic. I have 5 other books that I am in process of reading and have more to share with you in another post. But, for now, I leave you as I always do, in prayer.

Father, thank you so much for the series of events that lead up to receiving this book and causing me to make a freeing decision. I had not known that I trusted in money more than You when I began reading it, as I do all the right things with my finances according to how You outline it in the Bible. But, Father, I believe that I will not miss my time at my job, but miss the opportunities with my kids, my husband, my friends and my extended family members once I am in my final days. I thank you for once again giving me clear instructions for living when I can sometimes wonder the relevance of old testament stories to current times.

I pray for my friend who just delivered her baby girl this past weekend that you kept her healthy, safe and free from serious complications in delivery. I pray for this baby girl as she continues to grow and heal and be a blessing to her parents and others. "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1 says and I am faithfully believing that you will continue to bless my pregnancy and continue to give me confidence and hope for a future. I pray for the 3 other friends I have who are due around the same time as me that their little bundles are safe and sound and healthy as can be. I ask that you bless those who read this and give them a sense of peace in and around the situations that they may be facing. I love you Jesus and can't thank you enough for your love, mercy and provision. In Jesus' name, AMEN!

8 weeks, 5 days

2011-03-22T12:20:00.005-04:00

After much contemplation with my husband, I had decided only to interview the doctors at St. Joe's Maternal Fetal Medicine department so as to begin prenatal care as soon as possible. We have met with Dr. Bryant, one of their doctors in the past and were pretty confident that we would transfer our care there anyway, but in light of having toured both U of M and St. Joe's NICUs and OB units, we felt strongly that we wanted to deliver at St. Joe's unless they were not equipped to handle the specific situation we may encounter. Shaun was adamantly against using U of M as the memories of living in that hospital for 5 days in 2006 would be too daunting for him to bear at this time. We also read and reviewed each of your comments and private messages about your experiences with various MFM departments and we weighed your thoughts carefully as well.

So, on Monday I had my appointment at IHA MFM with Dr. Williams at 10:20am. Shaun was unable to come due to having to attend class, but I was unwilling to reschedule as I needed peace of mind about how this pregnancy was progressing. I arrived after a long one hour drive and the receptionist was overwhelmingly friendly and smiley! I waited in the waiting room with several other moms-to-be and tried to calm my nerves. The office was very busy as moms walked in and out every few minutes. I eavesdropped, listening through the glass window as a nurse was talking to the receptionist that was so friendly to me.

"Really? You use glue? Like Superglue?" The middle-aged blonde nurse asked the receptionist. And then a chuckle erupted from all 4 office workers.

"No, not superglue," the young black woman said while stifling her giggles. "You know the glue that you use to glue on eyelashes? Well, the same glue is used for the weave. It sticks real good for about 2 weeks and then it starts to come apart. So I gotta get my hair glued again."

I smiled, looking away, so that the workers didn't know I was listening. It was kinda funny, but I am not sure if they know that they could be heard in the lobby. About 20 minutes later, I was summoned to the ultrasound room. Ironically, the ultrasound tech's name was Francie. Not the same young sweet Francie from U of M, but a woman who attempted to get an ultrasound of my fetus via abdominal scan. We saw the gestational sac and baby this way, but it was hard to tell anything as it was so small. She said my bladder was too full and she would need to do a vaginal scan. So, I emptied my bladder and assumed the position on the table.

An 8 week, 4 day old fetus showed on the monitor. A definitely flickering heart was visible to me and then she scanned over the heart to measure it's beats. And I could hear it...185 beats per minute. Amazing. Thank you Jesus! The baby measured 1.89 cm and they showed me the umbilical cord and how it goes from baby to placenta. My blood pressure was 108/63 and My weight was unmentionable. Perhaps I will feel comfortable posting that here, but for now, no way!! The tech was planning on putting me in a room, but there were none open and available at the time, so they sat me back out into the waiting room.

Once in the waiting room a woman in a blue jumpsuit with orange stripes and bulging silver bracelets connecting her hands in front of her baby bump entered the office escorted by a male and a female correction officer. The officers were cordial and cracked jokes to each other as they waited for the receptionist to check the lady in. "They usually let us sit in a room back there to wait," the female officer tried to whisper to the front desk.

"I know, ma'am, but there are no rooms available as we are super-busy this morning."

"Can we wait in the hallway back there at least?" The female officer continued her plea. I watched the inmate and saw no expression on her face. She was facing one of the most wonderful things, pregnancy, not escorted by her husband or mother, but by the people she would form relationships with because she was forced to. I sensed her sadness and fear as having been a juvenile detention officer for 9 years, I have consoled a couple of young ladies who found herself pregnant and behind bars. The receptionist acquiesced to the request and away behind the doors the entourage left. The buzz in the lobby was astir moments later when families chatted about why there wasn't doctors in prisons and how come she had to come there and a 4 year old girl asking her mom about the silver bracelets she saw on that lady's hands. I was sad to hear what the gossip was, as no one is certain to know what the reason for the lady's current condition. Maybe I have worked in this field too long and have identified with criminals too much to feel a sense of judgment toward the women. I felt sad. We all have done wrong things in our lives and sometimes it is just random on who is caught. I can't say for certain that the woman sitting next to me never stole a package of gum or the man who came in with his girlfriend never used illegal drugs, but because we knew that this woman must have committed a crime for being in prison, then these people felt okay to talk about her. I quietly observed and silently prayed for the people in the room. That helped keep my mind off the fact that it was 11:30, one hour and 10 minutes after my scheduled appointment time and I was still in the waiting room.

And then the nurse called me back to the room. She apologized that it had taken so long as they were so busy this morning. I smiled and asked if I still had time to use the rest room as my bladder was once again full. She said it shouldn't be too long now, but that I did in fact have time for another rest room break.

About 10 minutes later, Dr. Jennifer Williams arrived in the room and apologized to me for running late. She said, "I have to be honest that I usually am late, but never this late. There have been several unexpected circumstances this morning and I am sorry." She went on to say that neither my OB or fertility clinic had sent records so she was hoping that I would fill her in on why I was here.

I was upset, but quickly went through the pregnancy with Ethan and the traumatic delivery and then discussed my infertility and miscarriages journey from the last two years and then said I was here to identify if you will take me on as my doctor or if you would recommend someone else. As I was sharing I had a notebook and folder and papers on the couch next to me. On top of that was Ethan's picture. I had deliberately set this picture here as a test.

Once I was done with my story, a nurse knocked on the door and told the doctor that another doctor was on the phone. Dr. Williams quietly excused herself as she said that this would be a quick call and was an emergent one for one of her patients.

She returned within minutes and then asked to see the picture of my son. I gladly handed it to her and introduced Ethan. She stroked her finger over his pic and said quietly to herself, "what a pumpkin." We talked about many of the details of everything and she said, "I probably won't need to get the documents as you are a wonderful historian."

I asked her if she would recommend her practice over U of M as I knew that she had trained there. She praised Dr. Van de ven at U of M, stating that he had delivered all three of her children and he was her mentor and he would do wonderfully if I decided to go with him. What she did mention was that U of M did some things decidedly better than St. Joe's and St. Joe's did some things remarkably better than U of M, so she felt comfortable saying that as long as I didn't have a twin to twin transference or a cardiac emergency or the baby didn't have a cardiac emergency, then I would have great care here. She also mentioned that the NICUs at U of M and St. Joe's were essentially the same quality except that there was no cool cap at St. Joe's, but of course we should not need that. This practice does not believe in bed rest or pelvic rest as it has not been shown to help the outcomes and instead works against the marriage in intimacy and financial and domestic areas. Mentioning that 90% of their patients were referrals and/or consultations, she felt that with 10% of their patients being lower risk primary patients, they were better able to service us with personalized care.

I continued to ask questions about preemptive antibiotics or tests to check the weak spots of the placenta and Dr. Williams smiled and related that I knew the answers to these questions, that really placental abruptions are very unpredictable, there is no real cause for this and as much as we want to control the outcome, we simply are too limited to do so. Odds are that we will have a very healthy baby in October. If I want to do a trial of labor, I could, and if I wanted to schedule a c-section at 39 weeks, I could. And if there is anything that is alarming or emergent, then we will take care of that. I asked several more questions and then she said, "if you wish to go talk to the U and then decide what you want to do, then let us know."

I told her that I was ready to begin treatment here as I was almost 9 weeks. She scheduled a nursing visit for me next Monday for education (and I can have a scan if I want). She also scheduled a establishing patient appointment for me on April 15. I will be 12 weeks and I will have the newest 1st trimester screening ultrasound for down's symdrome and Trisomy 18. When I asked about how this clinic was as far as being able to provide emotional support, she said, "I don't think you will have to wonder about that. Everyone here, the nursing staff, the office staff and the doctors are compassionate. You won't have to worry about that." She started to tear as I did talking about how scared I was. "Oh, you are gonna make me cry," she said, "this is gonna be a long road for you and we are gonna get you through it."

I am worried, though. I loved the fertility clinic. I guess I will have to just begin to develop relationships with the staff here. I already miss Miss Francie, Dr. Marsh, Dr. Randolph, the MAs, the other staff members. Everyone knew my name and was so patient with me. I feel like starting over. I never even got to go over everything I wanted to because I to spend the time going through my pregnancy history. I forgot about some of my medical history. I left the office with a bottle of glucola for my 1 hour diabetes test and a prescription for my prenatal lab work.

Father, thank you again for keeping my little one alive. I pray that she/he grows up to honor you and live out your purpose for his/her life. I thank you that you continue to provide for me and my child and give us peace about the outcome for the pregnancy. I thank you again for allowing me to miraculously bear a child and to miraculously care for it from the inside of my belly. I love you and praise you for all that you are. You are amazing. I ask that you continue to show faithful by showing a healthy baby growing right on track at each successive visit and I ask that you give my doctors your wisdom in how to treat this pregnancy. I thank you so much and ask you to bless me and my friends who are currently on this journey and I ask you to bless all my readers in their current situations. Only you know what they are and you know how best to navigate this. I pray all these things in Jesus' name, AMEN!

Graduated

2011-03-08T16:07:00.002-05:00

I want to say that I appreciate all of you readers. Thank you so much for following and seeing what God is doing in our lives. Today was no exception. I thank you for the notes, the emails and likes on facebook. I have been challenged by God to be authentic and sometimes authenticy comes with a price and sometimes it is saying things that need to be said even when it might hurt someone's feelings. I hope that you all know that this is a place of my being real with my emotions, real with my thoughts and real with my heart. Thanks for allowing me to be this way.

My appointment in Ann Arbor began in a hurry. I arrived 10 minutes early and had no wait time. I was quickly asked to get ready for the ultrasound. Miss Francie came in the room singing my name, "Sunshine, I know this is gonna be really good news, I can feel it!" She said she was so excited to hear that I was pregnant and reviewed my chart noting that I had 4-5 mature follicles. We small talked about the storm we had the last time I was there (the blizzard on my birthday) and I told her I was nervous because my beta almost quadrupled. Her eyebrows raised and she inserted the probe.

"Looks like we have one gestational sac!" She announces and then I saw a flutter on the baby. It was the heartbeat. "Awww," she said, "there's the heart just beating away!" I smiled, cautiously waiting to know its measurements. "Are you about 6 weeks?" she asked.

"6 weeks, 5 days," I said to clarify.

"Right on...6 weeks, 5 days!!"

She took about 3-4 different measurements and each one was exactly measuring 6 weeks, 5 days. The crown to rump length was 7.1 mm. Francie looked all over in my abdomen, no other signs of any other babies. She did notice a small tubal cyst, but said she thinks she remembers seeing on there before.

When Francie was done she gave us three ultrasound pics and said the office would call in the afternoon and let me know what their recommendation was, but Francie thought I would have to come in next week just to be sure all was well. She gave both of us a hug and requested that I set up my appointment with my OB now as it may take some time to get in.

Once Francie left the room, Shaun and I didn't say much. Maybe shock. We basically just walked out of the clinic like we have any other time. The receptionist, Rosalyn, with white hair, asked to see our pics. She smiled ear to ear and said how happy she was for us. Again, Shaun and I barely responded except with a small grin. "I have been coming here since May, I sure hope this is it," I tell her.

"I know. Some people come here 3-4 years. I don't know where you women get your stamina. Good luck, Sunshine. I will cross my fingers for you."

We left the clinic and high-fived in the car. After several hours of shopping for size bigger pair of jeans, and a large lunch at Red Robin, we traveled home.

At 3pm, Dr. Marsh called. "Hello there, Sunshine. Are you excited?"

"Anxious," I tell her.

"Well, we are all very happy and pleased with this. Everything looks wonderful and I told you it would only be ONE!"

I smiled saying I remembered that conversation about if I choose to go for it there would be one and if I canceled then that would be the time I would've had 4-5 babies.

"Well, I wanted to be able to call you myself in person and tell you that you are free to go to the high risk doctor now."

"You mean I graduated?"

"Yes, and I have to tell you that we are all so excited for you. When we talked about you at our meeting this afternoon, everyone stood up and cheered for you!"

AHHH! They cheered for me! YAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYY!

"Well, I am gonna miss everyone there," I told her.

"Oh, don't. Just bring that baby in once all is over, okay?"

I am in awe. Next step done. Woohoo! Still not ready to make a truly public announcement as I need to see another good ultrasound just to be sure. So now we must decide on a hospital and doctor. I love my doctor in Adrian, but with 3 losses and a major emergency in my first pregnancy, the clinic has recommended that I go with a high risk specialist. They gave me a list of the doctors at U of M, but Shaun doesn't feel comfortable with being near Holden. I researched Maternal Fetal Medicine Specialists in the area and learned that Toledo Hospital's MFMs only consult with regular OBs, so we probably won't go there. And then the only closest place is St. Joseph's hospital in Ann Arbor. I had previously consulted with Dr. Bryant in 2008. I had planned to go with him, but he now has two other doctors in his practice. After research on them, I discovered that they both graduated from U of M and did there residencies there until 2003. I have scheduled a consultation with them on March 21. That is 13 days away! AHHHHH!

Anyone have any experience with Maternal Fetal Medicine in either Toledo or Ann Arbor and want to give a recommendation? And does anyone know how I tell my Adrian doctor that I am going to go with high risk care without hurting her feelings (we go to the same church as well and she already knows I am pregnant)?

Father God, I praise you that you allowed me to see a perfectly sized, living being within me. I thank you for letting me have peace today. I am incredibly blessed to be your daughter and I am so grateful you are letting me be a parent again. I pray for those who are still trying that they find the strength to continue and I pray that you give peace to those who are currently pregnant after loss that they will carry these babies to term. I am so in awe of your MIRACLE of Life. In Jesus' name, AMEN!

6 weeks, 4 days

2011-03-07T09:19:00.002-05:00

Nervous. Worried. The confidence I had just a couple of days ago has slipped into the other side. I had no reason to fear the outcome of the first ultrasound in October and look at what happened there (couldn't find a heartbeat, then found one, and then came back a week later to learn the baby probably had died). I was confident and happy and just trying to live in the moment and appreciate that for that day I was pregnant and the baby although measuring small, had a heartbeat. Deep in my heart I knew that baby was not going to make it after that first ultrasound but I tried hard to have faith.

Today is similar. I am afraid to go into the appointment tomorrow as I know what the fetus is supposed to look like and what I am supposed to hear. I am afraid that they will tell me there are four embryos. What will I do then? Will I share with you all what I find? Will I have to selectively reduce? Will I survive this pregnancy?

I wonder if I should pull the plug on this blog. The publicity is getting to me. If I hadn't promised God that I would be open and honest on this blog when he asked me to write it, then I don't think any of you would know that I am currently pregnant. I would have kept it a secret until people began guessing from my growing belly that I was carrying life within me. I think the hardest part was when people I am not even friends with on facebook came to me at church yesterday to congratulate me. Shocked, I said, "we'll see." Folks, I don't share my news on here for the sake of gossip or exalting myself. This blog is fully intended to glorify the LORD. I will politely ask you to please direct people here to read the full story rather than "share the prayer request" with others. I am not confident that God will allow me to carry this pregnancy, and neither should you be, as he did not promise me that. I don't feel like a congratulations are in order, because frankly, the doctor said 75% survival rate. That is 25% chance of another miscarriage. REAL LIFE. I know this blog is public, but it has a much bigger purpose than announcing my pregnancy, I promise you that. I don't want my pregnancy to be public knowledge unless they've read this blog. And to be honest, I haven't told any of my family members except via this medium.

I also have endured listening to those well meaning people who keep telling me about your friends who couldn't get pregnant for years and just when they stopped worrying they got pregnant, or who say, don't you think it is great when you hear that God allowed so and so to get pregnant on her own after 10 years when she finally adopted. For you, I say, I am blessed beyond measure that God in his miraculous knowledge and skill as a Physician allowed me to get pregnant 4 times. He did so in 4 very distinct ways, but HE allowed it to happen. Whether or not I used medicine to enhance it has no bearing. Sure, I could have waited for the LORD to bless me on the natural timing, or I could get medication to heal my hormonal imbalances and start living my life sooner. Yes, I know there is a possibility that he could have allowed me to get pregnant on my own, but we know medically that was not likely to happen. Would you tell the person with diabetes that you know of a friend who just relaxed and their diabetes went away? No. That would be absurd, because surely, someone should go the the doctor and get insulin and exercise and eat healthy when they have a medical condition such as that. Diabetes is a condition in which there is a hormonal problem that their bodies do not produce enough insulin. Same with me, my body does not produce enough follicle stimulating hormone or estrogen and progesterone. I am in awe the God allowed me to MIRACULOUSLY become pregnant as much as I am in awe by when HE allowed my good friend who has a similar condition as me to become pregnant on her own and is due the same week as I am!! The LORD works in his own ways in each individual. If I were destined to remain barren, then the medicine would do nothing. God is in control of everything. No, I don't want to hear about your friend because I know that this is the right way for me.

There is still 24 more hours until I know some of the result of this pregnancy. But, these are still just steps in the right direction. We could have 33 more weeks of worrying, obsessing and wondering. I am praying for a healthy pregnancy with a low number of fetuses (one or two) and for a very uneventful pregnancy. Can you also pray with me as I choose my obstetrician and hospital in which I will deliver?

Thank you Jesus again for your MIRACLE of life. 4 times you have allowed me to carry life within me. The first naturally, and the others with medication. I pray that you allow me to bring this or these little one(s) home healthy, able and alive. I promise you that I will teach them to be God-honoring, people-loving, and productive Christian citizens of the world. I pray that you bless us again by giving us more than we are able to ask for or even imagine.

I continue to ask you to bless this blog and let it be a place where people see YOU. Where they learn about your ways and what it means to be faithful. I pray that you teach others about purpose, life and transparency in and through it. I ask for you to calm my heart and mind as I go through the next 24 hours and that you give me the peace that only you can give. I love you LORD and ask all these things and more in Jesus' name, AMEN!

6 weeks, 1 day

2011-03-04T18:18:00.002-05:00

The wait is driving me crazy. When I was called by the nurse to arrange the ultrasound, she told me that March 6 was the date I could come in. Since it was a Sunday, she told me to pick either Friday or Monday. And before I chose, she suggested that I wait until Monday so as we could probably be able to hear a heartbeat by then. Everything in my being wanted to be able to come in Friday, but since my hubby is out of town today, I decided that Friday would not be good. He wanted to be able to be a part of the ultrasound experience. He wants to see just how many and how healthy each one is for himself. So, in keeping with that theme, allowing Shaun to attend, I also had to postpone it until Tuesday because he would be able to make up his clinical rotations better than missing his Monday morning classes.

So we wait.

4 more days.

4 long worrisome days.

Superstitiously, I think if I share with you what my inclinations are telling me then it won't come true. So, without sharing my full vision, I think this pregnancy is going to be great. I am excited and ready to face this head on. I have to say that 5 years ago this week I was having my 6 week postpartum checkup with my OB. We were discussing the safety of another pregnancy and how waiting 2 years to even try to get pregnant was her recommendation. At that point, I was devastated and confused. Of course I wasn't going to try again, I thought, EVER! That pain was too much to bear.

That fear enslaved me. It captured me then and held me hostage for 3-4 years. The fear I have now is incomparable to what it was then. I fear a life without children. I fear an existence that is self-absorbed. I fear the possibility of wasting what God has called me to do. I am in this moment, right now, to share with you what a blessing He is to me and how grateful I am because HE is my GOD!

Father, I thank you for all that you have shown me in the last 5 years. Sometimes it does take an unthinkable tragedy to remind us of how fragile life is, to teach us to be humble, to examine our faith and to recognize our own limitations. I thank you so much for my Ethan, my baby in June and little girl Plato that you allowed to be apart of our lives for a moment. And I thank you for whatever you have in store for us in this womb. I pray that you bless us, that you take care of the little one(s) in there and you give us a peace of mind on Tuesday and beyond. Please, if it is of your will, allow us to carry this pregnancy to term, to deliver as un-complicatedly as possible and to have health be a result for baby and myself. I pray that you show us favor in this pregnancy and that you guide our every step. I thank you for the friendships I have made because of this blog and I ask that you bless each of the readers in a tangible way. I pray for my TP sister who is about to deliver, that she is comforted and births her little girl without complications or fear. I pray for my other pregnant friends, that they remain healthy despite the flu and colds they encounter and that their little ones do as they are supposed to. I ask you to send a special blessing down today. Touch all of the little ones in the wombs and remind their parents to dedicate their little lives to you. In Jesus' name, AMEN!

5 weeks, 1 day

2011-02-25T11:18:00.002-05:00

94 ....

That is the number of hours we spent without power. About two inches of ice fell on Sunday evening and caused major destruction in Lenawee county and surrounding areas. I was at work until 11pm when the storm began and didn't realize its devastation until I drove home. The power had blinked a couple times at my job, but because I work at a correctional facility, we have a giant generator to backup any outage. At 11pm, the power was still on at work. I started my car 20 minutes before the end of my shift and noticed the thick ice encasing it. I spent another twenty minutes scraping the thick stuff off my windshield and rear windows. It was like glass. I had to wear my sunglasses as safety goggles to protect my eyes from debris. I finally chipped away enough ice to drive away, albeit visibility was still poor.

The drive home was difficult. I had to back out of several roads as they were either impassable due to power lines down and/or trees covering the roadway. I passed through the downtown and there was no stoplights or streetlights working. I called my hubby on the way to let him know I was safe, but it was taking longer to get home, however the answering machine did not pick up. That is when I knew we were without power. Just as I was turning onto my street, Shaun called my cell phone.

"I pulled the car further into the driveway to avoid any branches falling on them. Make sure you pull yours in as far as you can too," he said.

I did. I noticed there were already branches from the neighbor's tree in our driveway. I shut off the car and could hear the cracking of the ice on the branches and the whooshing of the wind. My fingers were still frozen from digging at the ice on my car ten minutes earlier. I was worried about getting out of my car. I waited until I heard a lull in the wind and I made a break for the front door. As soon as I safely arrived in my house another branch came crashing. I looked out my window, and sure enough, it landed on the back of my car.

I usually go home and check my email and head to bed. This night I was completely without power, so Shaun and I listened to the storm as he studied for a test by candlelight. "You are not gonna have school tomorrow," I tell him. He shrugged and said he was going to be prepared for the test either way.

When we both couldn't seem to keep our eyes open anymore, we heard a loud crash in our backyard. Parts of the tree out back had fallen and took out the power line to our neighbor's house. So much so that it tore the service off the side of their home. That is when the fear crept in.

"I am not sleeping in the bedroom. There is a branch that hangs over our bedroom. What if it falls? That is just what I need. I finally get pregnant and I die in a winter storm due to falling branches. I can see the headlines now."

Shaun agreed that although he thought I was crazy, we better not sleep under that branch. We pulled our couched together in the livingroom to the innermost place in the house and attempted to sleep. It seems we slept for 20 minute stretches all throughout the night and each time were awaken to loud booms and crashes. At about 3:30am, we heard what sounded like the neighbor's tree had been completely uprooted (the one that branches had fallen into our driveway earlier). We cautiously looked out the window to discover that one of the largest branches on that tree had snapped and fallen, narrowly missing their rooftop, but obstructed their front door and the top branches scraping their vehicles in their driveway. About an hour later we heard another loud crash across the street and noticed the neighbor's tree in their back yard had fallen onto their Ford 150 truck, and by the looks of it, the truck appeared to have been moved a foot crookedly in their driveway. Every so often we heard crashes in the distance, but seemed nearby. We later learned that around our corner half of a tree broke off and fell onto a utility pole and snapped it in half, bringing down the dozen or so lines with it. A couple blocks behind our house and in front of my brother's apartment a utility pole snapped in half and crossed Maumee St.

We didn't sleep more than an hour that night and since Shaun went to school in Jackson, the school had not closed. He headed to class on the ice-covered roads with his carpooling buddy. It was Shaun's turn to drive, but our cars were not leaving our driveway and no one was going to be able to pass through our street from downed trees, so Shaun's buddy picked him up at the corner. They were 5 miles away from school when the teacher called them to tell them that he was canceling class due to lack of people showing up. Thankfully Shaun went with his friend that day, because that friend allowed us to borrow his generator. He was one of the fortunate ones in the county to still maintain power.

It was 54 degrees in my house when they hooked up the alternative power source. However, it was a small portable generator, so conservation of power was a must. We turned on the heat, some lights and refrigerator only 6 hours each day. I sneaked in some Facebook time while Shaun was enjoying using his chainsaw to chip away at the damage in our yard.

Thankfully, I had to work Monday 2nd shift. But when Shaun left me alone all throughout the day Tuesday without the generator on, I thought I was going to freeze to death. You see, I have a cold allergy. Whenever I get too cold, I have difficulty breathing and break out into itchy hives on my legs. It was at 51 degrees on Tuesday afternoon and I was starting to lose it. Scratching myself and starting to feel shortness of breath, I called my mother in law to warm up at her house. I spent the afternoon there, showering, doing laundry and hanging out with grandma, whose home was also without power. Shaun used generator on Tuesday evening and then I worked 3rd shift that night. However, I knew that I would not be able to sleep Wednesday morning freezing, so I slept on the couch at the in laws. The next two days passed by a little better. I had a routine so I would go to in laws to shower and spend the afternoon until Shaun came home. On Thursday, I decided that in order to stay warm I would do some housework. I knew I couldn't run the dishwasher or clothes washer, but I did some dusting, sweeping, organizing of bills, I worked on a Bible study that I neglected since October and generally didn't feel too bad about the outage. Even when Shaun came home last night and hooked up the generator, I felt ambitious and kept working. And then I checked the consumer's website to see when the next estimate for restoration would be and there it was. "There is no outage at this location."

I yelped. "Go outside and see if the neighbor's security light comes on when you walk by it." I told Shaun as I looked outside. I saw that her doorbell light was glowing. "I think we have power."

Shaun turned off the generator and switched to the main circuit. It was on. Hooray!

94 hours. Ugh. But, I learned to be appreciative of the little things. Like extra time in the day to be productive due to artificial lights. We all would be sleeping at 7pm if we didn't have electricity.

In the midst of this week, I was reminded by the tell tale signs that I am pregnant. The nausea. Seems like I feel the sickest between 3am and 9am. I lay in bed holding my belly and moaning. I think maybe I ate too much and maybe I didn't eat enough and oh my gosh I am gonna puke!! And super tired. Maybe the tiredness is from the chill in the air, but I am exhausted and this cutting out caffeine thing is for the birds. I had 4 cups of coffee plus 2 pops on my third shift and still fought the urge to doze off a few times. Don't think I can hack no caffeine. I am going to have to come to a happy medium.

I can't wait until March 8. Eleven more days. Hoping that we have healthy fetuses in there.

Father, thank you for providing for us through this actual storm this week. I have seen you first hand in your amazing natural realm. I love that you use weather as a way to prune trees. I hate that our civilization gets in the way. I pray that you continue to keep those who are still without power safe and warm. I pray that you allow the power companies employees to be safe and without incident, as well as the city workers, mail carriers, tree removal services, gas companies, cable companies, phone companies workers. It is a treacherous place to be but someone has got to do it in our civilized world. I ask that you keep people on the roads safe as we had another round of snow last night. Thank you so much for your provision. Oh, and keep these little ones safe in my womb. I pray all these things in Jesus' name, AMEN!!

Looking good so far!

2011-02-17T15:26:00.002-05:00

4 weeks, 0 days pregnant -- Month 21, Cycle 17, Day 27, 14 dpo

I received my phone call from the clinic. The nurse had left a pretty upbeat message for me to return her call. I felt confident before I even called her just by the tone in her voice on the message. And then the interchange:

"Your numbers are looking great! They more than doubled. Dr. Randolph and all of the staff are very pleased with this."

"Ok. How well are they?" I fumbled over my words.

"One-sixty-seven! And we usually like to see these numbers increased by at least 50% and yours is more than 300%! Congratulations!"

"Should I do another beta in a couple of days?" I asked thinking I would get even more reassurance.

"Nope. Dr. Randolph looked them over and he is very happy with this. We all are!! You can come in for your ultrasound on March 8th at 10am."

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Step two accomplished. Step three is to make it to March 8 without any complications and find out just how many and how healthy each of the fetuses are. At this point, I am thinking 1 or 2 babies!!!!

Thank you all for your support and love. I so appreciate it.

Father, I praise you for this. I thank you for allowing me to again experience pregnancy, for giving me the opportunity to walk this path and try to have children of my own. I pray that you continue to give us glimpses of good news at each step and that you keep my embryos safe from harm. You are the author and PERFECTER of life and I ask that you make sure these babies are perfectly formed. I pray that you are with me to help me stay sane as the next 2.5 weeks pass by. I pray for my pregnant friends as always asking that you protect their little ones. I pray for my ttc-ing friends who are still waiting for their miracle babies that they know when to call it quits and when to keep going. I pray for my followers that they are able to see your miraculous nature through this blog. Without you, LORD, I would be lost and I pray that all see your wonders. In Jesus' name, AMEN!

and the winner is.......

2011-02-15T13:46:00.002-05:00

Beta hCG is 46!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm PREGNANT AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have to get my blood drawn again in 2 days to see if the beta doubles and then I will be able to breathe a small sigh of relief. Today I am going to do exactly as I did in this post back in October. I will celebrate this victory!! Hallelujah!

Praise the Lord. And praying for a positive successful outcome. Can't wait to meet baby Plato in a few weeks on the ultrasound....

And as a reminder, this is just the beginning. Many things can happen unexpectedly and I ask that you respond delicately. Check out the blog for updates and be sure you know what is going on before you post onto Facebook. Some lurkers do not read my blog, but instead only read your Facebook posts and comment without understanding what is happening. Let's make sure they have to come to the source for the gossip!! Let's pray that in two days my beta doubles. Let's pray that in 3 weeks I see a heartbeat and baby growing on track. Let's pray that at each successful office visit, that only good news is to come. Let's pray that in 8 months a healthy, successful breathing, living person will be born into the Plato family. But, only time will tell. I know the pain of chemical pregnancy (early miscarriage). I know the devastation of a deteriorating fetus on the ultrasound. I know the hurt a missed miscarriage and subsequent D&C causes. I know the ache of having a complicated pregnancy. I know the brokenness of delivering a baby that is destined to die due to traumatic delivery. This story is far from over. There is a long battle ahead of us. We have so much more to overcome. I ask that you join me in praying for my little one and our family. I pray that everyone is blessed because of this miracle. I know today, I am blessed!!!

Thank you, Father, for providing me with a miracle yet again. I pray for a long, successful, healthy pregnancy with a result of a healthy, living, breathing baby or two at the end of it. I thank you so much for your generosity. I am truly blessed again. In Jesus' name, AMEN!

Pregnant? Or not pregnant?

2011-02-15T11:29:00.002-05:00

Month 21, Cycle 17, Day 25, 14 days past trigger.

Symptoms:
Slight nausea
Increased appetite
Slightly fuller breasts
Scant spot of blood on Sunday and Monday
Slight low cramping

Pregnancy Test Sunday:
Negative result on Dollar Store brand test

Pregnancy Test Monday:
Very faint pink line on First Response Early Result after tilting the test stick

Pregnancy Test Tuesday:
Faint pink line this morning on First Response Early Result
Faint blue line on Walmart brand Equate

I have been thinking I was going to get my period today as I had one scant amount of blood on my tissue on Sunday morning, and one other incident of it on Monday morning. And then today, I tested. Definitely more possibility of positive on this mornings tests, I thought. But, I am not convinced yet. I figured that since I had 5 follicles, I would get pregnant with multiples, and if so, then the test would be dark and clearly positive. So, maybe there is only one. Or maybe it is another chemical pregnancy.

I called the doctor office this morning and requested a blood test. Just had that done an hour ago. I am waiting (im)patiently for the result...Pregnant?!

Father, I know you know our hearts desires. I know you know how badly my husband is suffering thinking we will never be parents. I know that you have the answers. I pray, Father, that you allow us to bring home one or two healthy infants in the next 8 months. I pray that you have already ordained this time for me and I ask that you reveal to me a peace that surpasses all understanding if and when I hear the positive result. I pray that you continue to be the forefront of my thoughts and that you bless me again.

I pray for my pregnant friends that they continue with their pregnancies and deliver without complications. I pray that you allow them the joy of motherhood as many of them have struggled with infertility and are expecting their first living child. I thank you Jesus for the successful deliveries that I have recently been made aware of and I thank you for their healthy babies that you spared from demise. I Praise you father in the name of the Son, Father and Holy Spirit. In Jesus' name I pray, AMEN!

Heaven is her home

2011-02-09T18:49:00.002-05:00

Father, I thank you so much that we can boldly come to whenever and I thank you that so many people have been reached because of Miranda Cole's birth story. Sadly, for her father here on Earth, Miranda died. But, LORD, we know in whose arms she resides. Her mother cheerfully greeting her long awaited baby, and both of them surrounded in the arms of Jesus. I pray LORD that you hold Chad tight, that you continue to fill his heart and lips with songs of praise as he did in this blog post. I pray that you allow him all the support he needs in the form of how his faith has touched a community. And I pray that only those that wish him well and know him are the ones who choose to respond to his public tragedy. I pray Father that you allow him to grieve on his own timing, in his own way, and that people and timetables do not dictate when he should be healed. I pray that he is able to go through all stages of grief, and that others who loved his wife and child can safely do so on their own, as well. I pray for PEACE. I pray that peace comes in small forms, in tiny reminders that YOU are in control of all things that that YOU redeem us for our losses. I pray that Peace comes to this family by way of a gradual exit of the public profile rather than an abrupt loss as well. I pray that Chad finds comfort from his family and church family without fear of reporters or gossipers to get in the know. I pray for a place he can share his grief, where he can be real, when in the times that he wants to tell people that he just doesn't trust You, he can say so without feeling like he is betraying You or the image of himself that others have put on him. I pray that he finds a new normal, a position in which he is content with going to work, the grocery store, etc. in his own timing. I pray that Chad takes care of himself as it is so easy to self medicate in overeating, indulging in TV, internet, drugs, alcohol and other things. I pray that you allow him to see a bit of a glimpse of his future in which the pain is not so great, and the longing to be with his wife and child is diminishing. I pray that You give him strength to wake up each morning, especially on the mornings that the lump in his throat is so great that even the simple act of breathing causes pain. I pray that You give him permission to let himself feel human and vulnerable around his immediate family members, so as not to bare the burden of this loss all on his own. I mostly just want to ask you to be his ROCK, his Sustainer, his healer, his refuge and his COUNSELOR. You are the Great Physician and your work is not done in this family. It is going to take MANY YEARS for this grief to pass, for him to feel halfway decent, and to be able to not feel jaded. I pray that you teach the people around him how to accept his new self, as much of his old self will be hard to recognize in months and years to come. I pray that when the letters and notes, and cards and flowers and phone calls stop coming, that you remind Chad that Sara and Miranda were chosen, that they were loved and that they mattered. I pray that you remind him that You are taking good care of them and that his purpose here on this Earth has just begun. Remind him how fortunate he was to have been their husband and father and that his life matters.

I pray all these things and more in Jesus' name, AMEN!

MIRANDA COLE

2011-02-08T13:58:00.003-05:00

My heart is torn in two. I ache for a prayer request I received last night. On my knees, sobbing, I cry out to the LORD to hear the cry and prayer of thousands of people on behalf of the Cole family from Jackson, Michigan. An expectant Godly couple who spent 16 months of fertility treatments to finally become pregnant with their first child were awaiting three weeks until their due date. They were traveling on Saturday when a semi-truck collided with their vehicle. The pregnant wife, Sara, sustained serious injuries and died at the hospital where their baby girl, Miranda was delivered after her death. Miranda was born without a heartbeat or breath, and was resuscitated. She was taken to U of M NICU and has been said to have little to no brain activity. It appears that tonight at 7:30pm there will be a meeting to discuss her progress or lack thereof Here is a blog the father has written since her conception.

The story saddens me deeply. I so remember those days my son was in the Holden NICU and had "little to no brain activity." I remember pleading with God to let His will be done. And like Chad, the father, I remember trusting in God's plan, 100%, and knowing that the strength and calm that I showed on the outside was just the handiwork of Christ alone. Ah, but this touching story breaks my heart. Why is it that people who have endured so much already are put into more precarious places to endure? As if this family, this man, hasn't suffered enough, he has to endure the sadness that being in a NICU brings. And 5 years later, my response to this story is endless tears. This is not just a news story, folks. Real life.

He writes: Daddy needs to be honest with you, I'm selfish. I don't want to think that your going to be with mommy and Jesus is an option. I want you right here. I don't want to ask God for a miracle, I want to demand one. I want Him to feel like he owes me this.

The desperation he shows is the same one that Jesus shows for us. Our Heavenly Father is selfish, he doesn't want to think that we are going to die without him is an option. He wants us to choose to be with Him. He doesn't want to ask you to choose Him, he wants to demand that we choose Him. But, He has allowed us the gift of that choice. His heart breaks for you to choose Him as much as and more than Chad's heart breaks to have his daughter leave him.

So, in the stream-of-consciousness type of blog here today, I just wanted to beg that you all pray for this family. Pray that God's will is done here and that this story, whether Miranda miraculously survives or whether God calls her home with her mama, pray that this story is used for the GLORY OF THE LORD GOD ALMIGHTY!

Father, I thank you so greatly that you show us so tangibly that our lives are precious and fragile. I thank you that we can readily come to you day in and day out and that we don't need an appointment to speak to you. I boldly am asking for a miracle for the Cole family and beg that you provide complete healing of Miranda. I pray that she is forever a blessing to this family and is completely devoted and dedicated to your service. I pray that her life is a testament to your love, peace and mercy. I pray that Your glory is shown above all and that people from all over see who you are and call upon your name. I pray for healing for Sara's loved ones as they mourn her untimely death, that peace that surpasses all understanding descends on them and that they see that she is blessed to be with you. I pray for a deep healing of her husband, that he is able to sustain the mental turmoil the next few years bring in raising his miracle alone or in surviving this trauma. Father, your will be done as it always is. I pray that you receive the utmost praise, because LORD, no matter what we endure, you endured the cross so that we might be saved. I praise you, LORD. In Jesus' name, AMEN!

Month 21, Cycle 17, Day 13, 1-2 dpo

2011-02-03T11:57:00.003-05:00

Day 11 Ultrasound:

Lining: 11.6mm
Right: 17mm, 15.5mm, 9.5mm, 9.5mm
Left: 20.5mm, 18mm, 18.5mm, 14.5mm, 10mm

I was shocked when Francie told me these numbers. She introduced me to the very tall man who walked in with her, "he will be a fellow with us in July!"

"I so hope I don't see you again in July. No offense, I have been coming here since last May, so if I do see you it may be for an IVF cycle, but I don't want to have to do that. But, after everything, I am considering it." I blurted out, not realizing that I told too much to a perfect stranger. He just smiled and said nothing.

That was when Francie told me the above numbers. "Looks like we have 4 mature follicles and a possible fifth! I had a patient who had one mature and a 15.5 and ended up with twins, so it is possible. Start thinking about selective reduction and what you are willing to do. They will probably have you trigger tonight and intercourse today, tomorrow and the next day, but don't do anything until the doctor calls this afternoon."

"You're not gonna believe this," I shout into the voice mail of my husband's cell phone, "They found F-I-V-E mature follicles!!! Get ready, baby, cause we are going for it!!"

I waited until 3:45pm at home, anxiously wondering about the conversation I was about to have with the doctor or nurse. What is selective reduction? I researched the internet, and didn't really like what I was seeing. Procedure at 12 weeks of certain fetuses by way of injecting potassium chloride into its heart. Yikes.

The doctor called and confirmed the above number of follicles. She said that the team had discussed this and felt comfortable with my triggering with Ovidrel that night, but she needed to discuss the risks with me. There is a 10-15% chance of higher order multiples, HOM (more than twins). The risks associated with HOM are higher miscarriage rate, higher premature delivery rate, bedrest, long NICU stays, pre-eclampsia and seizures, fetal demise, etc. She spoke with me about selective reduction and my thoughts on that. But, ultimately the team was leaving the decision up to me to move forward with this cycle by giving myself the Ovidrel or canceling this cycle altogether to avoid these risks. I asked her what she suggested if she were in my shoes. She basically told me that she was a worrier, and thinks that I am too. She also said, that if it were her, she would cancel because it would be too scary for her to endure, knowing all the possibilities of what could go wrong medically. And she said she remembered me telling her that whatever can go wrong with me usually does, so she wouldn't want to tempt fate. On the other hand, she knows that I have been trying a long time and it is hard on my body mentally and physically and she might give it a try because I wanted an end. But, really, she said, it is such a tough decision. She said she would support me in either choice as they are both the RIGHT choice. She said, if I choose to cancel, then undoubtedly it would have been the 10% chance of conceiving quads. But, if I choose to go ahead, then it will be the time I get one or two babies. Think positively, she said, as we don't want you stressing out about this. You don't have to decide now, just need to before 9pm so you can take your shot. she said, talk it over with your husband, and if you need to call and page me tonight to answer some more questions, I would be glad to take your call after hours.

We hung up and fifteen minutes later Shaun arrived home. At this point, I was shaking. He had not listened to my message yet, so I instructed him to do so first. His jaw dropped and he gave me a high five. We discussed everything that Dr. Marsh had counseled me on, and he said, "This is our chance. God promises that he won't give us any more than we can handle, so we will be able to make those decisions when they come. But, for now, our plan is to GET pregnant. This is it. What would you feel if you skipped this cycle and never got pregnant again? You would always wonder if this was the one. So, give yourself the shot, and let's get going!!"

His optimism baffles me. But, I couldn't shut my brain off of the 'what ifs'.
I now have more things to overcome...getting pregnant, miscarriage, multiples, risks associated with multiples, death. I finally just decided that I had to do it. I pushed the shot into my belly and cried and shook uncontrollably. IT IS SCARY! So, the deeds were done. If this means I have sealed my fate, then so be it. It's gonna be worth it, one way or another.

Father, thank you for trusting me enough to witness my testimony to others. At times, I feel overwhelmed by what you have given to me, and other times I feel so blessed that you have given me the gift of loss so that I can help others. You know the plans you have for me, and I trust that you will not give me anything more than I can bear and if so, you will provide a way through it. Like Daniel and his friends in the fire, I pray that you walk through the fire with me and protect me so that not a hair on my head is singed from the flames. You alone are my salvation and I trust you. I pray for those who are in their own places traveling similar and yet different journeys, that you give them HOPE, PEACE, and LOVE. I love you, Jesus. In Jesus' name, AMEN

Day 10 ultrasound

2011-01-31T12:41:00.003-05:00

The results are in for this cycle...Month 20, Cycle 17, Day 10

Uterine Endometrium Lining: 8.7-9.4mm (supposed to be greater than 7mm)
Right ovary: 4 follicles: 14.5mm, 13.5mm, 7.5mm & 7.5mm
Left ovary: 5 follicles: 17.5mm, 16mm, 14.5mm, 14mm, & 8.5mm

Yeahhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I only need 1 or 2 mature follicles for a go ahead to give the trigger hCG shot. A mature follicle is 18mm or greater. Since none of mine are completely ready, but because I have NINE follicles, more than I ever had, the doctors will review my results and the result of my estrogen test and let me know this afternoon what to do. The ultrasound tech, Francie, the follicle fairy :) told me that I will likely have to give myself another FSH injection tonight, and begin intercourse, and then come in tomorrow morning for a followup ultrasound and see where we stand. I have an appointment scheduled at 9am 2-1-11.

I am feeling much more optimistic as last month there were only 4 follies total with 2 barely mature. Thank you to those of you who contacted me about my last post. I appreciate all of your thoughts. It is good to know that I have you all on my side. :~)

Father, thank you so much for technology and knowledge, without which I would be considered barren and dried up. I pray that you give wisdom to my doctors, life to my womb and love to those who are reading this. I pray that you continue to bless me so that I can be a blessing to others. I care about your people and thank you for the opportunity to minister to them. It is in you that I find my hope and strength and I am so very thankful that you are who you are. I pray for my pregnant friends to have long healthy pregnancies with successful births. I pray for my infertile friends to become pregnant quickly and see the pure miracle of life that you created. I pray for my followers on this blog to be a witness and testimony of what you are doing in my life that they may also recognize what you are doing in theirs. I pray for your will above all else. In Jesus' name, AMEN!

IVF? Fostering? Adoption?

2011-01-27T13:36:00.003-05:00

Month 20, Cycle 17, Day 6

Shaun and I spent some time with his parents last night. We hadn't seen them or talked to them much since Christmas. They don't have the internet, so anything that happens with our fertility, they learn only from our sharing details with them. So, while we sat in the veteran's bar having tacos and beer, I didn't want to say, "hey, we tried again last month and failed once again, but we are trying again this month." It is tough enough to write out my feelings here on a public blog, but to be THAT vulnerable, that frank with two people who hurt similarly that we have trouble conceiving and losing babies is difficult to say the least.

So, somehow I forced a joke into the conversation about not having kids yet -- a way to get the giant elephant in the room that all was ignoring, a voice. Shaun's dad didn't catch the humor in my tone and said, "Well, I know you don't want me to talk about this, but my wife and I have been talking and we want you guys to know that we know that it might not happen and if you want to...you know...then we will accept them and love them just the same." I smiled and quickly changed the subject.

I am not sure how I feel about this. Essentially, Shaun's dad gave us permission to adopt, which means that their hope for us to have biological children is gone. We never wondered if they would accept an adopted child as Shaun's brother has an adopted child, foster children and biological children and we all love all of them just the same. Even the foster kids who were given back to their biological parents, we still feel love and acceptance for them. That has never been an issue. But, the fact that he has given up hope for our fertility hurts. Even when I, too, feel hopeless.

So, this has caused me to do some more research on what my choices are:
1-to pursue having a biological child through continued hybrid cycles (insurance covers the costs and I believe I am limited to these 2 last cycles for now)
2-to pursue having a biological child through IVF (approx. $15,000+ with a 30% success rate per tranfer, additional frozen transfers $3000 each)
3-to adopt through an agency (approx. $15,000+ with a much higher success rate)
4-to adopt through foster (approx. $2,000+ with a lower success rate and bio parents potentially having their child returned)
5-remain childless

Sad fact remains that my husband is unemployed, about to not receive any benefits, has 15 months left of school to finish his program, and this year we will make 1/2 of what we made 2 years ago. So, the options requiring financial burdens are low on the priority at this time. We feel it is important to not have debt for any reason but our home. At this time, we have a mortgage, minimal student loans, a 4-6 month emergency fund, and two small retirement funds.

Once these hybrid cycles are done...42 days from now, then we have to make another decision. I am leaning toward IVF, because I can't bear being childless. I had never planned for any of my married life to not have children. I wanted to be pregnant from day 1! Because I knew that marriage was a compromise, I allowed a certain period of time to go by without begging Shaun for children, but once that time period passed, I was angry that he still wasn't willing to compromise. He enjoyed not having children, but it was devastating to me. So, I bullied him into trying. Once we were close the end of my pregnancy, almost 4 years after we were married, he decided that he was comfortable to become a dad. And then when our child died 5 days after his birth, that left me in a traumatically ill position, we just didn't want to think about having kids. The doctor advised waiting 2 years and we did. And then we needed to make absolutely sure that the trauma wouldn't be repeated. And still we weren't ready. One year later, and 7 years after marriage, we still hadn't had children and I was not happy. Life was about existing, only. So, I bullied my husband again and we learned quickly that I was infertile. The last year and a half have passed with two more losses and months of wasted fertility drugs. I cannot imagine my life without kids, because, in almost 9 years of marriage, nothing fulfills that emptiness that childlessness brings. And finally, Shaun is devastated by this. So, the option of remaining childless is only an option of INDECISION. I will not CHOOSE childlessness. It has, thus far, chosen me.

So, IVF? Fostering? Adoption? Anyone have any thoughts about these options? Help me consider all angles as I need to have a plan in place IF the next month and a half go by without success. I covet your thoughts.

What I risk for an opportunity

2011-01-24T11:04:00.003-05:00

It is day 3. Today, if I am planning to do this cycle, I need to have an ultrasound. In Ann Arbor. A normally 40 minute drive from my home took one hour and 15 minutes. The light dusting of snow and frigid temperatures were just the combination to make a slippery mess on the roads. Even though I left home an hour before my appointment in anticipation that I would be driving a little slower due to the weather, I was shocked when it was worse than I had thought. I am glad I brought my cell phone with me because when I noticed that it was the time of my appointment, I was still a good 15 minutes away. I called and let the office know that I was running late.

I met the sweet follicle fairy Francie in the exam room and she was training a medical student about what she was doing. She showed him what she was seeing on the monitor, "here is here uterus, which is retroverted. And here is her right ovary." She chuckled a little and said, "Sometimes I don't remember my patients by face, but I can tell you all about their uterus and ovaries! Sunshine has a retroverted uterus and her right ovary is always up here and her left is usually a little more difficult to find...here it is! Is this a sign that I work too much? I know all about each woman's ovaries!" Francie let me know that my endometrium was a nice thin 2 mm, and that I had small follicles on my right ovary but nothing to stop this hybrid cycle from continuing.

So, I will take femara tonight through day 7, and Gonal F day 7-9 and come in for day 10 ultrasound on Jan 31, Monday at 9:30am to see how the follicles and endometrium progressed. Perhaps I will conceive on my 31st birthday, February 1!

On the drive home, the roads didn't seem so bad, so I drove a little faster. And then I came upon an accident scene where a truck and and SUV collided on one of the curves on US12 between Saline and Clinton. It must have just happened moments before I pulled up on it as there was not police there yet and several people were getting out of their cars to check on the victims of the crash. I saw people on their cell phones in an apparent call to 911. I prayed for them as I passed, but from what I could see, it didn't appear to have any severe injuries, as the passengers were talking out of their windows. But, I am grateful that the LORD spared me of that fate. Thank you Jesus. I am risking injury and death for this child.

And moments after I passed this accident, this song came on the radio and reminded me of this verse: "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6. Listen to this song about God's plan for redemption.

Father, thank you so much for your love. You are amazing!! In Jesus' name, AMEN!

The tide comes in again

2011-01-23T13:22:00.004-05:00

Discouraged. Disappointed. Increasingly more anxious. Month 20, Cycle 17, Day 2.

I feel less than hopeful today. I had assumed for over a week that this was a dud cycle. My temperatures were low, my breasts were normal, my eating habits were the same. I started to get irritated at things early this week and when I began spotting slightly on Wednesday, I assumed that my period would come shortly. But, on Friday when I still hadn't gotten a flow, I called my doctor. You see, I am supposed to have a day 3 ultrasound each hybrid cycle and if I were to start my period Friday or Saturday, then I wouldn't be able to schedule the ultrasound, so I wanted to know what to do. Before calling the doctor I took a pregnancy test. It was surely negative, but when I turned it at just the right angle, I could see a faint line which may have meant I was faintly pregnant. I told the nurse this when I called and she said I could have my blood test done on Friday, if I wanted, but they wouldn't call me with results until Monday. Or wait to see if I get a period over the weekend and if not, take a blood test on Monday. Well, I decided that I didn't want to know if I had another chemical pregnancy, so I would wait until Monday to take a test. Hence, why I haven't posted anything on the blog yet.

Saturday afternoon, after a very intense few days of crying, pleading, disappointing emotions, I began my flow. I am somewhat relieved to know that I can start again and yet, I don't want any part of it. I feel like I am on a timeline. I have 46 days to prove that my body can get pregnant on these fertility drugs or else I will never have children of my own. I don't know how true this is, but I feel "less than hopeful." I know that the doctors said they were very hopeful that I would be pregnant in these 3 months, but when I asked what if I am not, then they told me that the next step is IVF. Unless there is a miraculous bounty of money to befall us, we will not be able to fund IVF and even then it is not guaranteed. So, we will put "all our eggs" into these next 46 days.

5 years ago today, I buried my son. It was a very cold day in 2006, much like today and my husband was the lone paul bearer of his casket. With pride, he carried his only son and laid him on an altar above his final resting place.

Today, I would be 34 weeks pregnant if I had carried my first chemical pregnancy I lost in June. I would be awaiting a couple weeks until I were to have my c-section.

Today, I would be 19 weeks pregnant with my daughter I miscarried. I would be close to her ultrasound in which I would learn that she was in fact a little girl.

I am heartbroken again. And need to find another little bit of strength left in me to keep trying. Less than hopeful.

Father, thank you for your love. You are the one constant in my life. When everything around me is empty, changing and unsure, you remain. I no longer want my life remembered as the one who has endured much loss, but rather the one who was redeemed for the losses she endured. Please, I ask you to give me some life. I pray that you continue to give me hope for my future that with children or without, you will help me to fulfill my god given abilities. Only you know what they truly are, as I am baffled once again. In Jesus Name, AMEN.

One more week

2011-01-15T11:15:00.002-05:00

Month 20, Cycle 16, Day 18, 8dpo

Yesterday was Ethan's 5th birthday. I cannot believe it has been that long since I was anxiously anticipating to bring my firstborn home from the hospital. Although I knew his birth was complicated from the delivery and that he has suffered brain injury, I was hopeful that the cooling cap study at U of M would completely reverse the effects of his injury and within a couple of weeks in NICU, after he learned to suck, swallow and breathe on his own, he would come home with us. Five years ago today, the day after his birth, I was recovering in a hospital bed from the most traumatic surgery and illness I had ever had and yet, I was praising my LORD for blessing me with such a wonderful family, friends and prayer support ever. The day after Ethan was born, I lay in my room and a single visitor came to see me before Church. David Town came in to pray for me and to ask me if there was anything I wanted him to pray for. I remember smiling and saying, "I only ask that you pray for God's will. I am willing to accept whatever it is that God has for me." David told me that a few people had arranged a prayer meeting in a conference room at our church. I later learned that many people attended this meeting, a hundred perhaps, who prayed desperately for mine and my son's lives. And I distinctly remember someone tell me that David was faithful to share that I wanted only what God would have for us, His Will ALONE! I thank David for his servitude despite the instinctual desire of many to pray for complete and utter healing of both mine and Ethan's bodies. I am so very thankful that God allowed me to carry my son full term and to allow his life to be honored by those who remember him and those who remember my service in dedication to him. Because when it comes down to it, it is all about the one who defeated death, Jesus, who makes God's will worthwhile.

It was this evening, the evening after his birth, that two women from my church, Lisa and Sharilyn, sneaked into the hospital at 1:30am and dropped off photos of my son to the nurse's desk. I had only seen my son from the side of an isolette three feet away from my bed for moments before he was whisked away to U of M and really was unable to see what he looked like. I remember the nurse who came in to check on my vitals was surprised to see me still awake, as I had not slept in two days. She smiled and said, I have a great surprise for you. She walked out of the room and brought back this picture. I was now IN LOVE with my son. Before this, it all seemed surreal. It seemed as if the last year of my life was a dream, but this baby that had grown inside of me was alive, however unwell, but he was REAL!

So, on Ethan's 5th birthday, yesterday, I received a card from my church's prayer team. In it was an unsigned poem, with a note, that read: Came across this and felt led to send it to you. May God bless you!

Thank you to whomever sent it as this was exactly what I needed yesterday. Read this poem about infertility and loss and feel the intensity of this writer as she longs for a child.

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother:

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

Back into the two week wait

2011-01-08T12:22:00.003-05:00

Month 20, Cycle 16, Day 11, Ovulation Day?

I was strong enough to give myself the Gonal-F (FSH) shots Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. On Friday morning, once I arrived at the clinic, before the ultrasound, I was supposed to have my blood drawn to check my estrogen levels. I had just had the diabetes test earlier this week and had 3 pokes in my arm which left 3 distinct bruises in my elbow space. I joked with the medical assistant showing her my arms and said, "which space you want to bruise some more today?" She laughed and picked the arm that had the least amount of bruising. She attempted to find a vein, and eventually did, but did not get very much blood from this vein. Another tech walked up and said, "are we trying to get a few drops at a time?" And still there was very little blood. The medical assistant insisted that I was dehydrated and needed to drink a cup of water. She had me drink water and said she would try the draw again after my scan. I drank 2 cups of water while I waited for the scan, because needles and I are not friends.

I was greeted in the room by my dear ultrasound tech, Francie. She looked into my uterus via vaginal ultrasound and discovered that my lining was 13mm thick. I asked her if this was too thick, since it was supposed to be over 7mm. She said, "no, this is great. Is has to be over 7 to be good enough and we like em thick." When I got pregnant in September it was just under 8mm. So, 13 sounds great.

Francie looked at my right ovary and found 4 follicles. She measured each one individually. The size the clinic likes to see is 18mm or higher at this stage in the cycle. If there are 1, 2 or 3 over 18, then chances are that they will allow me to give the trigger shot. Francie saw one at 18.5mm, one at 19mm, one at 15.5mm and one at 12.5mm. So I have two mature follicles on the right side. She looked at the left ovary and saw no follicles. But, from the looks of this ultrasound I was fairly confident that they would call later in the day to say that the doctor wants me to give myself Ovidrel to trigger the release of my eggs.

I then had to return to the area to give more blood. The same MA decided to try again, and still after digging around under my skin, was unable to locate a vein. She pulled the needle out and put a cotton ball on it and had me bend this elbow while she attempted again on the other arm. I told her that I didn't feel dehydrated and I had drank two cups of water and thought that I was so cold and that is why my veins are constricted. While I was telling her all of this, she stuck the needle into this other arm and again was unable to find a vein. I told her that maybe I need to have a warm compress to pop the veins out. She agreed and went to get a warm wet washcloth. In the meantime another MA saw me sitting there and asked if I needed help. I told her what was happening and she asked me which arm she was able to take blood from earlier this week. I told her the right one and I lowered my elbow, blood was gushing out of the site the other MA had tried two times earlier. So, this new MA takes out a needle and after cleaning my skin was able to get the draw on the first try. So glad that was over.

I got the call that I could give myself the ovidrel at 2pm. I knew I had to wait until evening to give it, and since I had to work 2nd shift, my hubby and I did what we needed to early in the day.

At 6:30pm, I was cramping and had a spot of blood in the toilet. I called the emergency number for the clinic because I knew that bleeding in between periods is not normal and I didn't want to give my ovidrel shot in case I was overstimulated or whatever. The doctor on call said he thinks it was from the intercourse earlier in the day, so not to worry. He told me to give the shot and he would look over my ultrasound in the morning and if he thought the uterine lining was unstable, he would prescribe me with Progesterone. I haven't heard from him yet, but hope that he was right about intercourse.

The plan is to 1)get busy each day this weekend 2)take a progesterone test on Friday to see if low progesterone is the culprit for miscarriages 3)test for Pregnancy the following Friday.

Father, I thank you so much for you love, your provision and your comfort. I am amazed at how you provide for me. Thank you for special people I have met as a result of my losses and infertility and thank you for allowing my story to help others. I pray that you allow me to conceive again this month and that you allow me to finally be a mother. In Jesus' name, AMEN!

After the scan,

Operation: Discover Sunshine's Uterus

2011-01-05T04:02:00.002-05:00

Month 20, Cycle 16, Day 8

I had a very interesting visit to the Reproductive Endocrinologist office on Tuesday. Out of all the procedures that I have had done, this one rates at the top of the list for most intriguing. It was like watching the discovery channel. Or ER. Or something that wasn't happening inside of me....but it was.

First things first. My glucose tolerance test came back normal and shows that I still just need to eat healthy and exercise regularly and be sure that I don't develop diabetes in the future. So, this indicates that elevated sugar levels was not a cause for the miscarriage.

So, we arrived at the office at 11:30am. The parking lot was completely full. We had to drive around the block and return to catch a van leaving a space 100 yards away from the office, but thankfully we made it to the clinic on time. This year I have resolved to control my anxiety a little better than what I have been used to, so when the doctors still hadn't called me in for my appointment at 12:00pm, one-half hour after the scheduled time, I decided that I was not going to share with my husband how nervous I was getting. Instead, I asked the receptionist if they needed to test my urine, because I needed to go to the bathroom, pronto! She, of course, said yes so I had to wait patiently (or pretend that I was patient) while the Medical Assistant prepared my urine sample cup so I could finally go. She came to get me within a minute, but that time seemed so torturous for a person trying not to show her anxiety.

Five minutes later, the MA called me back to the room. Shaun and I got to see one of the last remaining rooms that I had not been in since I began coming to this clinic in May of 2010. This room was the hysteroscopy suite. Chuckling, I told the MA that I had never been inside of this room. She smiled, and when she left, Shaun said, "Pretty soon we will be able to give the tours of this building."

I responded, "Pretty soon I am going to get my nursing degree and ask them for a job here. I have already recruited three patients to this facility and sent two others to St. Joe's clinic as well."

I hopped onto the table which was covered in blue pads. There was an ultrasound monitor, a hysteroscopy television monitor (really old style computer monitor looking) and a cart with blue pads covering multiple metal pieces of equipment. Again, trying not to cry or make Shaun deal with my anxiety, I tried to contain my fears by talking a lot. And then I pretended to touch the buttons on the ultrasound monitor. "Ooooh, these things look like they are the equalizer on a stereo...maybe I can increase the base. Oh, this button says zoom. I bet I can zoom it in." And so I did. Back and forth, back and forth. I lay back on the table because I was not relaxed sitting with my behind hanging out. And, then I sat up because it seemed weird. Finally, twenty minutes later, a woman walked into our room.

"Hi, I am a resident, and I thought I would answer some questions for you while we wait for Dr. Randolph to finish up with the other patient. Do you have any questions for me?"

"Yes," I tell her, giggling. "Do I have time to go to the bathroom again, because my bladder is not going to take this procedure if I have to wait much longer?"

She allowed me to use the restroom and then moments after I was done, the doctor came in. He told me he was looking for abnormalities in the uterus or polyps or fibroids or scar tissue. I lay back and he inserted a long thin tube into my cervix with a lighted video camera on the end of it and Shaun and I were able to see the inside of my uterus on the monitor. It was Swwweeeeeeeeeeeeet!

Everything looked normal, he said, except there was a small spot of yellowish tissue near one of the openings to my fallopian tubes. He took the scope and scraped against this tissue and said he thinks it is probably where the baby had implanted this last time and it should come out with my next period or within the next few days. He didn't really say what it was, but that it wasn't diagnostic of anything.

So after this procedure was over, he told me that with all the tests I have had done and there was nothing else left to investigate, he is sorry to say that he cannot explain why I had two miscarriages and my baby Ethan died. There is nothing he can correlate it to expect dumb luck. He said, what we know is that we know HOW to get you pregnant, but we just don't know HOW to KEEP you pregnant. Statistically, he said, any pregnancy has 80% chance of live birth. And with all the knowledge that we have about me, such as no abnormalities, no known clotting issues, no diabetes, 3 previous pregnancies with 3 fetal demises, then we can say that my chance for a live birth in another pregnancy is slightly less than the average pregnancy, but not much, probably 75%. But this statistic he gave this time was much better than what he estimated in December when he thought it was clotting related. He said, 60% back then.

Anyway, I asked if I should wait until the next cycle to do the shots to wait for that yellow stuff to go away and he shook his head and said, no, go ahead and give this cycle a go. No reason not to try. And when I asked if intercourse was to be restricted because of this procedure, he said, feel free to be as romantic as you would like to be. (Just for the record, Shaun and I had a nice romantic lunch at the Olive Garden!!!!) Hehehe!

So, I gave myself my very first shot of this cycle. I will give myself a shot on Wednesday and Thursday and then I will have an ultrasound on Friday to see if my ovaries are ready to ovulate. Praying that all is well.

Father, thank you so much for you. I am so blessed to know you and to call you my Savior. I praise you because you are so crafty and creative. Thank you for designing the human body to be so complex. I want to pray that you will bless Shaun and me this time with a little one to hold and raise to be an adult. Please give us the desires of our hearts to raise a child for your kingdom. In Jesus' name, AMEN!

Month 19, Cycle 16, Day 2

2010-12-30T18:28:00.002-05:00

Ok, ok...I had my baseline ultrasound done this morning and everything looks like it is supposed to. I have some small follicles on each ovary, but nothing that is residual from before or hormonally stimulated. My uterus is like it should be...sparing you the details in case there are men reading this blog...hehehe!

So, I will begin Femara tomorrow evening and take it Friday -- Tuesday. On Monday morning I will do a 2 hour glucose tolerance test to be sure I don't have diabetes. On Tuesday, I will have a hysteroscopy to check to be sure my uterus is in tip top shape and if the results of everything comes back normal (which I am confident it will), then I will begin taking the follicle stimulating hormone shots on Tuesday- Thursday. Friday morning I will have an ultrasound to see if the follicles are ready and if they are I will give myself the hCG to begin ovulation. If not, then I will take FSH shots for a couple more days and then give the hCG. On our way to a healthy pregnancy!!!

Thanks so much for the support. I appreciate your love, kindness and prayers. May the Lord bless you as much as He has blessed me (or more)!! In Jesus' name, AMEN!

Wahoo!

2010-12-29T16:11:00.004-05:00

Y'all are never gonna believe this! I started my period this morning. ON MY OWN!!!!!!

I was going to start take Prometrium starting today for two weeks and at the end of the two weeks, I was supposed to start my period. But, I was feeling crampy for the last few days since Christmas and have been spotting a little each day and whammo! Today it begun.

I am flabbergasted. The nurse I spoke with said that sometimes after a pregnancy or coming off of birth control pills, our bodies do what they are supposed to. That was probably why I conceived Ethan naturally back in 2005! So, I had to decide quickly if I was ready to begin another hybrid cycle. And, I said to myself...GO FOR IT!

So, tomorrow I go in for a day 2 (baseline) ultrasound and then I will start taking Femara on days 3-7. On day 7, I will give myself shots. I am looking to see if the doctor can squeeze me in for a hysteroscopy on day 8 and if so, then I will finish this cycle as a hybrid cycle. SO, I could possibly be conceiving again next weekend!

I just want to have a baby already, so I am ready for this. I ordered my shots on Monday when I saw I was spotting, and they arrived today, so I am good to go! Thanks for the prayers and well wishes. As much as I am sad to know that I had a daughter, I am excited to see a son or daughter to arrive in 2011!!!

Father, thank you so much for your surprises when it comes to our bodies. So much of us wants to control it all, and yet, you have it completely under your control. I pray that you bless us with impeccably good news soon!! I also want to thank you for a successful delivery for one of my sojourners who was scared for her daughter's safe arrival. And I thank you for the great news for my friend who had a bleeding emergency in her pregnancy last week. I pray for my other two friends who are awaiting the safe arrivals of their daughters in a few months. I pray that you are still in control and they all feel your loving arms around them. In Jesus' name, AMEN

New adventures are sure to come

2010-12-21T18:20:00.002-05:00

Today I had my blood drawn again...last week it was 14, and today it was 8. The last few weeks have made the pregnancy hormone dwindle very slowly. However, my doctor said that I do not have to have it drawn again and just assume that it is negative for pregnancy as of next week. This means I will begin my regimen of tests and meds and start a cycle soon. I will probably be starting prometrium to induce a cycle beginning next week and could possibly be starting my cycle by the second week in January. If things are looking good as far as tests go, then I may begin the hybrid medications at that time. Who knows, maybe this baby will be conceived on Ethan's 5th birthday, January 14?

By the way, I also had a phone call regarding karyotyping of the tissue that was tested after the D&C. The nurse informed me that everything looked completely normal and that means Shaun and I did not pass down any genetic mutations and we won't need to have our karyotypes tested. I then asked her if she would tell me the sex of the fetus...And she did. I had a little girl. It is weird knowing this. I am glad that I know, but at the same time it makes it more sad to grieve the loss of a daughter as opposed to the loss of a pregnancy. Now, I wished I would have went full term and been able to see my little girl face to face. I feel so bad that my body rejects pregnancy and just want to know that it is not going to happen to any more little ones any more.

Father, Thank you so much for modern medicine that it can map out exactly the chromosomes we have just from a little bit of tissue. If I wanted, I would have been able to ask what color her hair and eyes would have been. You already know this and you were the one who created this entire genetic process. I love that you are intricately involved in our being and I praise you for allowing science to discover what you have designed.

I pray for my friends who are currently pregnant and experiencing fear in regard to possible loss. Some who have scary situations involving bleeding, some who have premature labor, some who have no symptoms except previous loss history. I pray that they are comforted by you and that you fill them with your peace. I pray that you allow their children to live and to thrive in this world. I ask that you protect them and their babies as they journey this path that is paved with fear. You tell us in the bible over and over again that we are to "fear not, for you are with us". I thank you that you walk this journey with us and I pray that you calm the storms.

I pray for all those who are reading that they come to know who you are and seek out a place to experience YOU on your birthday, this Christmas. I pray that they are receptive to your gift and take time to remember that Jesus is the Reason for the Season. In Jesus' name, AMEN!

Anyone want to join me for a special Christmas Eve Church service? Check out this website and send me a message. I will meet you there on Christmas Eve (I work on Thursday, so I can't make that day, sorry!)

This week's Beta

2010-12-08T15:49:00.002-05:00

Got my beta tested this week and it is down to 34!!! I am hoping that it drops to 0 next week and we can begin the next set of tests and meds. Looks like I could possibly be giving myself shots by New Years!! Not sure how I feel about this yet.

629.81

2010-12-07T01:29:00.003-05:00

I received the explanation of benefits from my insurance company and it indicated that I had a procedure code of 629.81. I knew that infertility was 628.9 for unspecified, but I never saw this number before, so naturally....I decided to search the internet for what this code represented.

And then...there it was...in black and white letters...A HABITUAL ABORTER.

Hmmmm...it makes it sound like I committed several crimes that would receive a stiff penalty. I can read it now, the headlines, "Woman from Michigan Sentenced to Prison for Habitually Aborting."

In my head, I know that the medical term for miscarriage is abortion. In my head, I know that habitual means more than once. In my head, I understand this phrase and make no judgements whatsoever about anyone else who has ever been given this diagnosis. But, I feel so guilty in my heart reading this.

I think I remember my mom telling me that she had several miscarriages. Specifically, I remember that my mom had a stillbirth when I was small. I remember that we named her Summer because she was the only sister I had. I remember that my mom told me about her experience bleeding profusely and having to have a D&C and the pathology revealed my mom was carrying a 3-4 month old female fetus. I don't remember her telling me much else, but after my mom died, she left me a bunch of letters that she had written to me when I was a little girl. This one read something like this: My dear Sunshine, you are 2 years old and I am watching you play in the livingroom. I just had a little baby who was too small, they call this a miscarriage to my face, but when I read the doctor's notes it said, "Spontaneous Abortion". I argued with my doctor, pleaded with him not to write abortion in my chart, but he insisted that this is what it was called. I will heal from this loss, but I hope that I will be able to give you some brothers or sisters some day..."

I feel that same sentiment that my mom wrote to me about, and much like many who have had miscarriages. I feel like I wanted this child so much that to label it an abortion is truly unfair to me. I never ever intended to give my unborn baby over to a vacuum or any other procedure to kill it. Abortion is just not what I want to be remembered by and yet, there it was...Habitual Aborter.

Thank the Lord that He knows my heart and my intention. I pray that He will bless me to no longer be known on diagnosis as 629.81, but instead as mother of several living children as a result of several of my full term healthy pregnancies!

Father, thank you for granting my request to be a mother in advance. I know you will provide. In Jesus' name, AMEN!

Hopeful news

2010-12-02T13:24:00.002-05:00

I had my appointment with the fertility specialists yesterday. And I believe that I have the best doctors in the world, being as I go to the U of Michigan Hospital and they are 13th top ranked in the world. Anyway, it was a great appointment and I am glad to share it with you here.

Dr. Marsh, the younger female doctor who performed my surgery, came in to speak with me first of all and shared that the initial pathology from the tissue sent from the surgery suggested that there was enough tissue to culture and it would take a few additional weeks to get a final analysis from that on if there were any genetic cause to the miscarriage. She said, unless that comes back positive we do not need to test Shaun and my genetic karyotypes as it has a very low yield to show anything that would be helpful for us. She said that the most likely relationship between the 3 losses (full term abruption, chemical, and 8 week miscarriage) would be random selection. Or possibly a clotting disorder for me. She asked if I had any clotting testing done and I told her that I had. When she searched my file to find it, it was not in my records. I told her that Dr. Gardner sent me to Dr. Mowat, the hemotologist, and he would have the labs, but he had told us 5 years ago that I did not have anything unusual. She told me that they would request the labs and if there were anything that he had not done or that could be retested that they would let me know. But, since I probably don't have any clotting issues, then most likely all of these losses are completely rare and bad luck.

She answered all 36+ of my listed questions. Most noteworthy are:
1. Do these miscarriages teach you anything about my condition? Yes, they say to us that it is not terribly difficult to get you pregnant, except that you have to be here, but we need to identify if there is anything else we can do to help you sustain it, such as adding a baby aspirin or blood thinner when you get a positive test.

2. What would be the next plan of treatment? Do hybrid cycles until you get pregnant. It is very likely that you will get pregnant within the next 3 cycles.

3. Should I consider surrogacy? and is it legal in Michigan? No, it is not legal in Michigan, but if that were the only option, we do have ways to get around the law, and no, we don't think that it is necessary for you to hire anyone to carry your child as we believe it will happen for you shortly.

4. What if I don't get pregnant on the hybrid, what's next? Then we would offer IVF. But, if you were responding well to the hybrid, we would continue to use hybrid since you have said you do not want to do IVF.

5. Do you think with my history I should see a high risk OB or would a regular OB be fine? (she laughed and said emphatically, touching her third trimester pregnant belly) YES, see the high risk, if I were you I wouldn't mess around with the regular OB.

6. How many years of fertility do you think I have left? I want to be able to have more children and wonder if I should try to get pregnant immediately after delivering a live birth? I think you have many years left as you are still young and are responding well to treatment. So, if you wanted to wait a little while to space your kids, you may.

7. How many miscarriages would I need to have before you all tell me to quit trying? We don't have a magic number and it will not be bothersome to your physical health to keep trying, but it would depend on you and your hubby's emotional wellbeing. You two decide what is right for you.

So, then Dr. Randolph, who has worked in the practice for 25 years came in to solidify all that Dr. Marsh had said. He was so patient, kind and came in compassionately, asking both of us how we were doing emotionally. I told him that I was handling it all very well and Shaun agreed he was doing fine too. He asked how Thanksgiving was and what we were going to do to get through the holidays because he knows how rough it is for those of us who have lost. He then said, as long as we were ready emotionally, this would be the next plan:

1. Wait for beta to drop to 0.
2. Get a hysteroscopy (a camera looking inside of my uterus for structural abnormalities) done in the office before period. And take a 2 hour glucose tolerance test to check for diabetes.
3. Start Prometrim 2 weeks after beta is 0, and take for 2 weeks until I start a cycle.
4. If all tests come back, including the pathology from the fetal tissue, then we can start a hybrid cycle, if Shaun and I are ready. If not then we will wait 2 weeks and restart prometrium to induce another cycle.
5. Take Femara on days 3-7 and give shots 7-10, on day 10 ultrasound to see if follicles are ready and then give ovidrel.
6. If I give ovidrel, then 8 days later take a progesterone test.
7. Depending on results of the multitude of tests, then I may begin progesterone or aspirin or heparin blood thinners once a positive pregnancy test is seen.

Shaun and I left the office feeling a sense of confidence. I told the doctors that if they told me that it was unlikely to carry a baby to term that I was willing to admit defeat and move on to the other options, like surrogacy or adoption. They were very passionate about how they believed that I would be pregnant within the next few months and the outcome looks good. All these testings were just to prove that there is nothing wrong and it was all just bad luck.

So, I feel ready to start again. Ready to move on to being parents. Hopefully, next Christmas, we will have a little one to share it with. We believe that God allowed us to be in this place for a purpose and are praising Him for letting us share this journey with you.

Father, I thank you again for modern medicine and allowing doctors the gift of learning and discerning to use medicine and research to help people. I praise you because you are the Great Physician and you have given your knowledge to man. I ask that you continue to provide peace and comfort to all who mourn and to us who are currently on this journey. Give my friends peace who are still trying, who are deciding to stop trying, and to those who are pregnant and worrying. I pray that you allow your will and you give each of us a sense of your will so that the pain only lasts a moment. I pray that you will bless Shaun and me with a child and that you will allow us to be the parents that you have destined and designed us to be. I pray all of this in Jesus' name, AMEN!

hCG continues to fall

2010-11-30T18:28:00.002-05:00

Just wanted to post for all of you that my beta hCG is still falling. On November 17, 2 days after I miscarried and the day before I had my surgery, it was 11,963. Last week, on November 23, it was 559 and today, November 30, it is 101!!!

The nurse told me that it is hard to know how long it will take to get to be zero, and for some it is 3 weeks and others it can take 3 months. So, I imagine that it should come down within the next two weeks. I am not worried about it and am so glad that it is declining rather quickly.

Tomorrow, Wednesday, I have an appointment with Dr. Randolph to discuss whether he thinks the miscarriages and Ethan's loss are related and whether we should do more testing and what the next step from here is. I have a lot of questions prepared and am ready to discuss. Plus, I am thinking that I want to try again, so hopefully these numbers fall quickly and we can get on with it already.

Father, thank you so much for your provision and love throughout these weeks. I pray that you continue to hold us up and give us strength to keep trying if it is your will, or to pursue other options if that is your will. Still praying for my friends who are expecting and worried about the health of themselves and their little ones. I pray that you keep them wrapped tight in your loving care. I pray for my other friends who are still trying to conceive that you fill them with a child soon. I pray for those who are making decisions to not try anymore that you give them peace about this and take away their desire to become parents again. And in the midst of all the baby making, I pray for the family of the 3 little boys in Morenci who are yet to be found. I pray for peace or triumph to come soon. In Jesus' name, AMEN.

Advent

2010-11-28T13:32:00.003-05:00

As the holiday season approaches, I am wondering with the miscarriage how I will react to it. In the past, when I have had loss after loss, I am continually reminded about what traditions I am not sharing with my kids, my mom and grandparents. I miss my family, and Christmas is taking on a whole different feeling. I am sad, yes, this year that once again I am not a mom. Once again, I do not have a mom. And once again, I have to endure someone else's plan and tradition for the holidays.

Growing up, I lived in a very matriarchal family. My grandmother moved in with us shortly after my grandfather died when I was 10 years old. Before then, we spent a lot of time at my grandparents house, and my grandma was the epitome of love. I don't ever remember her raising her voice or showing anger. I knew when she was mad, because she would say it straight to someone's face what she thought, but never with a loud voice. She hugged, kissed and read books to me and her other grandchildren. She smiled and always was happy to see us. Christmases were either at her house, or one of her daughter's homes and always included the extended family. When she moved in with us, I appreciated her so much because I never had a sister, so somehow, even though she was 53 years older than me, it felt as though I had a sister, someone to share my life with and teach me how to bake, cook, clean and be a young woman. My mom on the other hand, was a pistol! She enjoyed life completely and was every child in the neighborhood's friend, every niece and nephew she had loved her and she threw the best parties. My mother organized fundraisers for the community and prepared lemonade stands for the road side. She created relay races, bonfires, pin the tail on the donkey and all sorts of fun things to do with the kids. But, on Christmas, she went all out. We decorated the house, we baked cookies and pies and sang Christmas music all throughout the month of December. On Christmas Eve, my Uncle Dave and his kids came to visit us and we exchanged gifts. We each had a line in the 12 days of Christmas that mom required us to sing to, and we dressed up and knocked on doors in the neighborhood to sing Christmas carols to our neighbors. There were no inhibitions. She made life fun and then culminated the Christmas evening by sharing the true Christmas story as found in Luke of the Bible. My mother loved the Lord and sharing about who He was and how His grace was sufficient for her. We lived on government income at various times in our life, but no matter what she knew that God would provide her with her daily bread and still belted out "Oh, Holy Night" with such passion that you would have thought she was blessed beyond measure.

Even though when my grandma was 71, she accepted Christ on her deathbed, once my grandmother died December 21, 1998, my mom's enthusiasm for holidays waned. She learned she had cancer in 1999 and was in the hospital that Christmas after a severe reaction to the radiation and chemotherapy. She died in October of 2000.

That year, I desperately wanted to continue the zest and love for the season she possessed by hosting the holiday the same way she had always done. I tried but failed to match up. Each year since, I have just put aside the traditions and tried to assimilate to my husband's family's plan. While I love being with them and spending the holiday with my nieces and nephews, I lack the matriarchal family and zest my grandma and mom brought. And I just LONG for the day I get to have my own family and host my own traditions and bring up my children into a hope-filled, loving, joyous occasion where they know without a shadow of a doubt that Jesus Christ is Lord and He was born to save the lost and dying.

So, part of me is sad to miss my motherly figures. Part of me is sad to not yet be able to share with my kids about Who He IS!! And yet, I still have a great message to share with all of you, with my nieces and nephews and my family and friends, that the ONE who is name CHRIST is the ONE who came to save. He is God and I am in LOVE.

Father, thank you for allowing me to express some of my desire for female family relationship. Thank you for giving us Christ to save us from this broken world. I pray that you allow me the chance to have children and especially a daughter to pass on this enthusiasm and love for you. In Jesus' name, AMEN!

Doing okay

2010-11-23T14:27:00.003-05:00

Just wanted to post and let all of you know that I am doing okay today. I was able to go for a walk for the first time in a month. My energy is beginning to return, my boobs are deflating, and my bleeding is down to almost nothing. I had to have my beta hCG test today and will know tonight or tomorrow morning what the results of that are, so we can see if the numbers are decreasing. This is supposed to identify if they took out enough tissue and make sure that my body is returning to normal.

Last night, I came home from work at 11:30pm and Shaun was already in bed, as he had to be at the hospital for clinicals at 7:30am. I stepped in to see if he was awake and leaned over to kiss his forehead. He leaped over and wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed my belly and said "I'm sorry. I wanted this baby so badly. I hurt too. And I was bad. I bought Pringles and Oreos. It makes me feel better."

I chuckled a little and remembered that sometimes it takes men a longer time to experience emotion after an event. They tend to do things and then later on FEEL the effects. I feel bad that he has to go through this. But, if Pringles and Oreos make it better, then I will be buying him Pringles and Oreos. And since he suggested it made him feel better, then I decided to give it a try too!

Hurting

2010-11-20T13:38:00.004-05:00

Today is Saturday. I saw my sweet little one pass out of me on Monday and on Thursday, I did the procedure to be sure the miscarriage didn't cause me any infection due to any unpassed tissue. I went to work Friday and did ok, but today was a different story. Shaun had to take off of his clinicals on Thursday to attend the surgery and so today was his make up day. He is at the hospital and I will soon have to go in to work at 3pm. And this morning, all I can do is sit and shake my head. I am dumbfounded by what has taken place over the last few months. Was this real? Did any of it happen?

And truthfully, I am shaking my head over and over again. This sucks. It just plain does. I hurt. I can't even begin to describe the disappointment I feel. Utterly and completely crushed. I know through my past experiences that I WILL feel whole again. I know that this deep longing and emptiness will not last forever. But, today in this moment, I am broken. Not by fear. Not by past situations. But, by knowing that my sweet child who only was able to flutter his heart for after a short 7 weeks, had to pass on. I miss this little one.

Father, thank you for the gift of feeling emotion. Thank you that you allow us to hurt so that we can help and comfort others who are hurting. I am reminded that you said, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Thanks for calling me blessed, but please attach a human feeling to it so I know within my marrow that I am blessed, because at times it feels like a curse. Help me to continue to see you in this and through this. In Jesus' name, AMEN!

Month 18, Cycle 15, Day 5 & Surgical details

2010-11-19T08:58:00.004-05:00

Titling this post with another cycle is difficult. I can't believe that I have been trying for a year and a half without sufficient success. But, here we go again. This cycle is going to be completely natural. In the past that means it could take 90 days to get it going, if it comes at all. But, for now, I will do nothing by way of medication to control this cycle. I have a consultation with my fertility specialist on December 1, to discuss recurrent loss and questions that I have about the whole miscarriage thing. If any of you have significant questions, feel free to send them to me as I may not think of everything.

Shaun and I have talked and just feel like we need a break. At least get through the holidays without any medication. I feel sorry for him. I don't know about the rest of you who have had miscarriages, but for me the chemical pregnancy wasn't as devastating. I was just so excited after 1 year of trying that I was successful and knew that the clinic was the way to go. I didn't really grieve except when I couldn't get pregnant after that. But, this loss blindsided me. Shaun was so very excited about FINALLY becoming parents again and he invested his whole heart. It hurts knowing that my body continues to disappoint him. He tells me that he is just so happy that through all our losses that I have survived. Ethan's loss was so traumatic on my body and we just didn't know if I was gonna make it for weeks as my blood had trouble clotting. And so, even though it broke our hearts that Ethan died, we were just so very thankful that God spared my life. So, when it took 4 years for Shaun to finally feel safe enough to let me get pregnant again and both times have resulted in loss and because of our past trauma we were devastated by this loss, and yet the overwhelming fear that trauma was going to happen to me next was just too much. I have sobbed over both this loss and coming to grips with fear. And although I know that this grief journey is not over, I feel great to know that I am not in fear for my life since this surgery yesterday. So a break is definitely what we need.

But, I printed off a basal body temperature chart and reset my fertility monitor because really, we do not want to become pregnant this month. The doctor has asked us to at least wait until my beta hCG is at 0. I have to have weekly tests done to be sure that the pregnancy hormone is completely out of my body. If it doesn't go down, that can indicate that still I have tissue left and if I were to become pregnant this tissue could somehow cause problems for the other fetus, and we wouldn't be able to tell if the hCG is from the last pregnancy or the current one. So, doing the fertility monitor and charting my temp is really for family planning. We are restricted from intercourse for 2 weeks, but we have been restricted for several weeks before that, so as discretely as possible, you all know what I am thinking!!

Anyway. The surgery went off exactly as it was planned. I listened to my ipod filled with great worship music of the contemporary christian variety on the 45 minute ride from Adrian. We arrived in the office at 9am, and I wore my Tiny Purpose hoodie in memory of Ethan and Baby Plato. It felt good to be comforted and share with whoever saw it that my heart was right there. On a side note, when I ordered this hoodie a few months ago, I debated on adding the baby Plato as I said before that the chemical pregnancy wasn't as terrible of a loss, but now I am so thankful that I did just so I could honor this little one. None of the staff mentioned it to me, but EVERYONE in the office, doctors, medical assistants, nurses, receptionists, stood behind me at one time or another and if it got them talking around the office that day I wouldn't be surprised.

So, when I arrived in the waiting room the receptionist gave me a key to a locker and my hospital bracelet and I sat down doing a crossword puzzle. The doctor came out into the lobby to get some coffee and with a pouty lip, he asked, "are you ok?" I told him, "a little nervous, but so much better than yesterday." He smiled tenderly and said, "this will be all taken care of in just a few minutes, and I will make sure everything goes well." This was all in front of other patients. I didn't mind, but I sure felt bad for them. I don't know why they were there, and I don't know if they knew why I was there, but I still felt nervous for them. A few moments later, only enough time for me to solve 4 questions on my crossword puzzle, a medical assistant came out and had me give a weight and then we were in the changing room. Shaun got to wear a "marshmallow suit" as he called it. Basically a fibrous zip up suit that covered his enter body except his shoes and head and hands. On his head a surgical cap and on his feet surgical covers. I wore a hospital gown and cap and foot covers. We locked our things in a locker and I went into the treatment room. After being hooked up to heart monitors, pulse ox on my finger, blood pressure cuff and and IV, I decide one more set of wires from my ipod was too much. I had them playing contemporary christian music on Pandora. They covered me with LOTS of warm blankets and were so very kind. I kept reminding them of my medical history; c-section scar, uterine atony, DIC for 4 days after c-section, asthma, etc. They continued to remind me that this was so very much different than what I had gone through before but would remember what I had said.

Moments later, the medicine went in and a felt pushed back in this reclining chair. It calmed me and relaxed me so well and then they pushed it to table position and put my legs in stirrups. The medicine wasn't so strong that I don't remember anything, but it was strong enough that I couldn't keep my eyes open. I remember the needle to numb my cervix hurt. It was pinching and I could feel the pain inside me, and I yelled ouch a few times. Then that was over. I remember telling the staff that Shaun sometimes get queasy with blood and to watch him. He chuckled and said he was fine. I could hear everything around me but had to ask Shaun what happened later. He said it was a very long syringe that that had a plunger they pulled out and then they pressed a button to suck the tissue out. They had to empty it twice into a silver bowl full of saline. There was an abdominal ultrasound at the same time to make sure the didn't puncture anything and to be sure that they got all the tissue out. And then it was over. No need to dilate my cervix as the medication on Monday already had. And no metal curette was needed. They put my legs down and lifted my body back to a slightly higher elevation and the doctor touched my leg and said, "this is all over, everything went well, we will send this off to pathology and see if it shows us anything. I noticed that you have a consultation with me in two weeks, but the pathology will not be back by then. But, we can still talk. I feel confident that we know exactly how to get you pregnant, and it will happen for you. But, take this time to have a break, regroup and deal with this loss. I am sorry. But, everything went well. Good job." He said good job to Shaun and shook his hand. And, so recovery began. It took about 30 minutes for me to safely come to a seated position without feeling too dizzy. I got up and got dressed and came out to get discharge instructions and although I was really tired and a little dizzy, we walked out of the clinic by 10:45am.

I was so hungry and thirsty, that I couldn't wait to go home to eat. The doctor had suggested I get Panera Bread while I was in surgery. But, we saw Old Country Buffet and thought that was better. So, we ate. And then I slept most of the ride home, with my earbuds in praising my father for a successful surgery.

I slept off and on most of the afternoon and then I had energy. I hadn't had any energy in months. And so I cleaned. And then I got tired, and sat on the couch, and continued to clean and alternatively relaxed. About 5pm, I received a beautiful flower arrangement from Tiny Purpose. It was a little bunch of wildflowers set in a antique white box with a lid open. It was the size of two decks of cards next to one another but this box was exactly the color of the casket I laid my son Ethan to rest in. And looking at it, I would have been able to fit the gestational sac and fetus into this box. This is our baby's casket. So very fitting. For many of you, you may think this is morbid, but surprisingly, this brought so much comfort to me. I have very few tangible memories of this baby, so I will keep this box, and I will put the ultrasound pic of when this child had a heartbeat in it and this will be Baby Plato's keepsake treasure box. Thank you so much Tiny Purpose.

Father, thank you so much for keeping me safe yesterday and throughout the last few weeks. I pray that I can continue to keep my eyes on you and trust in your plan even when they don't seem to mesh with mine. I love you Lord and pray that my fervor to love and share you with my friends and family never ends. I praise you for a speedy recovery and help in the next few months as we figure out your plan for us. Thank you so much for our huge support system we have. Bless each one of them for their faithfulness in trusting in You. In Jesus' name, AMEN.

Pre surgery

2010-11-17T12:38:00.004-05:00

I had the ultrasound today. Francie, the sweet ultrasound tech came in and did the scan. Instantly, I knew that there was no gestational sac in there, and she confirmed that she did not see anything and agreed that what had passed was indeed the sac. She took a lot of pictures and said she didn't see anything, but she wasn't the doctor, so she wasn't sure what they would do. My endometrium lining was 14 mm, and she suspected it was just blood. She took the pics to Dr. Randolph and came back in and said he would come talk to me about my options.

Dr. Randolph entered and said that if appears that I don't have all the tissue removed and we could do one of four things. 1. Wait and see if the tissue passes on its own over the next week, however there is risk of infection. 2. Take the Cytotec again, but my body still may not respond to it enough and then I would need to have a procedure. 3. Have the MVA (Manual Vacuum Aspiration) Procedure, a specific from of D&C, but small risks of infection and requires sedation. 4. General anesthesia operation at the hospital, more risk of bleeding, infection, anesthesia complications. I told him I wasn't sure what I wanted to do and he said he felt comfortable with any of the options. I let him know that my biggest fear was emergency bleeding or other health concerns for me. He said, well, we can tentatively schedule a surgery and then let you wait to see if it passes, but that gets tricky if there is an emergency and you would have to do the operation, which poses bigger risks of bleeding. He said, "I know, you being in the medical profession that you have some real concerns." I chuckled a little and told him I wasn't a med pro, but just research about things associated with my body. He said, yeah, but that kinda makes you a professional, you have a lot of medical knowledge and it shows. But, do what makes sense to you.

At this time, a nurse knocked on the door and asked for him. He shooed her away and said, "I'm talking with this patient." He was so patient with me and went over all the details and risks to each option. He told me that I did nothing wrong. He looked me in the eyes and said, "you are so strong for what you have both been through, I know it is tough and you don't think so, but you are." I asked Shaun what he thought and he adamantly refused for me to take the cytotec again and told the doctor that the longer this goes on the more anxious and fear it will bring for me, so he just wanted it out of me with the least complications as quick as possible. I had to agree with him. Even as anxious as I was with having the procedure.

So, I chose to do the MVA at 9:30am. The doctor reassured me and went over risks, but said, that he is required by law to share them with me, but if he thought for one second that I was going to have any of these complications he would not have me do it here in this office. He said, he has has patients where he has refused to do the procedures because of their high risk. I asked him, "even with my history with abruption, and bleeding out, and uterine atony, and whatever else?" He nodded confidently and said, "yes, even with your history. You will do fine."

The nurse came in to go over the specifics with me. I told her about my surgical anxiety and asked her to go over details with me. I will come in and have versed and Fentanyl and once I am comfortable the procedure will begin and it will take 5 minutes and then it is over and I can start to recover from the meds. Recovery should take 1/2 hour. I should be out of the office by 10:30-11:00am. Sounds like the versed will cause some amnesia, so I shouldn't remember much and I can have any kind of music I want playing on Pandora. So, Contemporary Christian. Anyone have a Contemporary Christian radio station on Pandora they like that I can request? I need some Worship music in the treatment room. Everything happens quickly and Shaun can be right there with me. I told her that I have low blood pressure, so she is making sure that I get fluids just in case it gets low. And, she said that this procedure is done on ladies all the time (probably with abortions) and those ladies don't use meds, so we will use just the minimum amount of meds to make me comfortable. But, she doesn't want me to endure any pain.

I got to see right where it will happen and it is in a reclining chair with stirrups, and they have a blanket warmer. So, I think it is the best possible scenario. I am scared, but I will do it to get it done.

However, doctor did say that if I pass the tissue tonight, which CAN happen, then they will do an ultrasound just before the procedure and if everything is passed by then, they will cancel it. I AM PRAYING that it all passes and I don't have to do it. But, if not, I pray that no matter what God is with me, that he won't allow harm to me, and that HE IS IN CONTROL.

Father, thank you for allowing me to pass the fetus and gestational sac on my own. I am grateful for having seen your creation at its core. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made and ask that you show how you are the Great Physician and you can heal my body. I pray that you allow me to pass the rest of the remaining tissue on my own, but if you choose not to, I pray that you allow the doctor to be guided by your hand, your love and your plan. Give me peace and rest over this night and I pray that you help me to not have fear or anxiety. You are holy and marvelous and I am begging to let your glory be shown above all else. In Jesus' name, AMEN!

Emotionally, as I miscarried

2010-11-16T10:59:00.003-05:00

I woke up today after having woke up every 1-2 hours cramping and needing to use the restroom. But, I made it. Yesterday when it started I was so fearful. I was afraid of bleeding out, of seeing a live fetus, of rupturing my uterus through my c-section scar. And then I began shivering and fevering, and then I feared surgery and death. I was afraid to eat because if I had to have surgery, then I could aspirate vomit, and I was afraid of the pain.

And then my fear turned into peace. I prayed and God comforted. I started to cramp and all I could think was to write some of my thoughts and prayers here. My hubby stayed pretty busy, I think he just didn't know what to do for me.

And then I passed it. What a relief. I thought that was what it was, but in my fear, I wondered if it was a huge blood clot or a piece of my uterus. I blogged about it hear and chatted with a friend on facebook who had similar losses. She assured me that what was happening was normal and likely what I was seeing was the gestational sac. That knowledge brought me more peace. Finally, I thought, this was behind me, the labor-like cramps would cease soon and I could relax. But, as I was chatting with her, I began to cramp again. And thinking I had to have a bowel movement, I used the toilet and a loud PLOP! My sweet hubby heard this and turned to me and said, "Oh no, are you ok? Did it happen again?" I was bleeding pretty heavily at this time and started to get a little nervous, thinking these were now, clots as surely there wouldn't be two! But, we checked and it was another sac like thing that had a white-looking something embedded in it. We breathed a sigh of relief and Shaun was certain that it was over. "That's the baby," he said. I told him I wanted to call the doctor because I wasn't sure, and he asked, "are you bleeding through a pad a hour? Are you in writhing pain? Do you have seizures or uncontrollable shaking? Fever? Then, no, you don't need to call the doctor and this has passed." He was right. And so we flushed. Not saving these products of conception because it had been contaminated by the toilet water.

I felt relieved, especially since I only needed 1-600mg Motrin and no need for vicodin. I feel no more anxiety and I feel ok. At different times last week before I had the final ultrasound to determine no progress, I broke down and cried hard, pleading with God to take this from me. I have started the grieving before the physical loss had begun. I know from past experience that in time I will feel pain, I will feel loss and I will feel empty. But, today, right now, I feel relieved to have the worst of it over. I feel ok.

Thank you to all of you for your kind words, your thoughts, prayers and love. I appreciate it more than you know and it has somewhat made up for not having my mother here to go through it with me. I love you and will continue to blog about where God is taking me. Today he is taking me through the Psalms...
Psalm 128
A song of ascents.

1 Blessed are all who fear the LORD,
who walk in obedience to him.
2 You will eat the fruit of your labor;
blessings and prosperity will be yours.
3 Your wife will be like a fruitful vine
within your house;
your children will be like olive shoots
around your table.
4 Yes, this will be the blessing
for the man who fears the LORD.

5 May the LORD bless you from Zion;
may you see the prosperity of Jerusalem
all the days of your life.
6 May you live to see your children’s children—
peace be on Israel.

Father, I pray that you allow me to live to see and help raise my children's children. Thank you for letting this process go quickly and relatively painlessly. I praise you because you are so involved in the details of everything and looking at the sac I am reminded about these details. Your perfection astounds me and I am in awe of your creation. Please help Shaun and I to grieve sufficiently and to in time come to understand what the reason is for all this loss in our lives. Help us to determine what plans you have for us and give us a clearly defined course for us to follow to raise children. You alone have the answers and I pray that you continue to bless me with great friends, awesome family and a positive spirit. I know that without You in my life I would not be capable of enduring this tragedy so peacefully. It is You who brings me peace and I pray that you infiltrate the lives of those who read. In Jesus' name, AMEN!

Cytotec induced miscarriage

2010-11-15T19:25:00.003-05:00

***WARNING: GRAPHIC MISCARRIAGE DETAILS TO FOLLOW***

I took the pills at 3pm, after I got out of work. I have the next three days off so I just planned to get this taken care of and not return to work until Friday at 3pm. I had to take these 4 nasty pills and put them on the inside of my mouth, between my gums and cheek and let them dissolve for 1/2 hour. This is supposed to decrease the chances of gastrointestinal upset. Anyway, one hour after the pills were in my mouth, I spiked a low grade temperature, 100.0. I called my doctor as I was supposed to report any signs/symptoms of infection. Not only did I have this temp, but my body was shaking uncontrollably. I was so afraid that I had an infection. I waited and waited but the doctor didn't return my call. About 6:45pm, I went to use the restroom and had a little bit of red streaking, and little cramping. Shortly after, the doctor returned my call and told me that low grade temps are sometimes a side effect of the medication and not to worry unless it is over 101. Then I should call him immediately. I told him I was worried since it had been a few hours since he called. He assured me that if I call him anytime from here on out, he will answer. He went over several different scenarios in which I would call, if I bleed through a pad in an hour or two, if I have extreme pain instead of cramping, if I have a fever over 101, if I get the chills, etc. He then asked if I had taken any motrin. I told him no as I didn't want to take medicine and the pain was bearable. He encouraged me strongly to take the motrin 600 as the cramping was about to get much worse and if I medicate before it happens, then it won't be as bad. I thanked him for calling and hung up.

I reluctantly decided to take the motrin and moments later I began cramping so much I had to breathe through it. It feels like early labor, cramping in front and lower back pain. I then had to use the restroom again and am now bleeding bright red with dime sized clots. I sure don't like this pain, but I remembered that I had planned to deliver Ethan vaginally and naturally and have a whole slew of relaxation techniques and lamaze type breathing exercises to decrease the pain. I remember that I labored from 10am until 4am with no medication, just breathing and relaxing. I can do this, I tell myself. But, this time, there is no prospect of reward at the end. This time, I will not hold a sweet smelling infant in my arms. This time, I will potentially only see gray hamburger consistency matter that is supposed to have been my child. I am supposed to attempt to catch it in a sterile cup. I am supposed to endure all this with one goal in mind, to dispel the fetus that I so desperately hoped would become my first born living child.

Father, thank you for allowing the cytotec to work and for me to begin bleeding promptly. Thank you for allowing my bosses to give me the time off of work and to be supportive, even though I don't have the sick time to take off. Thank you for amazing friends and family members who support me no matter what the events are happening in our lives. Thank you for the emails they send, the prayers they pray and the calls they make. It makes this process less lonely. Thank you for allowing me to remember good memories of my mother when I miss her so terribly. I pray that you allow this miscarriage to pass quickly, completely and as painless as possible. You know the plans you have for me. Plans to prosper me and not to HARM me, plans to give me hope and a future, according to Jeremiah. Father, keep your promises that you will give me hope, a future and that you will heal my brokenheart. In Jesus' name, AMEN!

Sad day

2010-11-12T12:40:00.002-05:00

Today we saw our pregnancy fading away. Two weeks ago, I saw a slightly underdeveloped pea sized fetus with a heartbeat of 120. Last week, we saw little growth and no heartbeat. This morning, we saw the yolk sac that was breaking up and no fetus or heart. This is what is called in the medical field, a missed abortion. My baby did not develop after the 6-7th week and my body is not expelling it as of yet, two or three weeks later.

Here is the plan. I work throughout the weekend, so if I don't miscarry on my own by Monday night, then I will take Cytotec which will open my cervix and I should start to bleed within 2-3 hours. If this does not induce the miscarriage, then the next day I will take it again and hope that it works. If it does work, then I should bleed and cramp heavily for 5-6 hours and have a period like bleed after that. If it doesn't work, then I will need to have a MVA procedure to remove the products of conception.

Please pray that I will miscarry naturally or via medication as I do NOT want to have this procedure done. It is too much like doing an abortion and I can't have that on my conscience with everything else that is going on.

I asked about recurrent loss and the doctor wants me to come in to talk to my primary RE and possibly have a workup on genetic karotypes to see if that is what is causing all my losses. I haven't decided as of now what we will do. I don't know if I can take another loss. Today, I hurt. It feels like it is too much. I fear bleeding to death again. The doctor assured me that the amount of blood loss will be nowhere near the amount that I had during my pregnancy with a placental abruption. But, just to make me feel better, he gave me his personal cell phone number so I can call him at any time I feel scared or worried about what is happening.

Does anyone have any details to past miscarriage stories that can help me know what to expect? Please share them here, or send them privately to my email...srplato@yahoo.com. I am scared to death about what will happen from here.

Father, today I feel so let down. Today I feel betrayed. I know that you don't show your love only through blessing but I have to say that because I do not have children that you call a reward, I feel like you are withholding your blessing from me. I pray that you change my heart and give me the opportunity to love, raise and hold a child of my own. Or change my heart about having a family. This heartache is just too much. Father, Psalm 126:5-6 says "those who sow in tears will reap with shouts of joy. Though one goes along weeping, carrying the bag of seed, he will surely come back with shouts of joy carrying his sheaves." Lord, you have allowed me to carry 3 seeds. Allow me soon to bring home the harvest of sheaves. In Jesus' name, AMEN!

My blog-friend's video

2010-11-08T09:05:00.002-05:00

Here is a video about infertility and loss that I associate with 100%. Please take the time to view it, it lasts about 8 minutes. I hope that you are richly blessed by her testimony.

Father, Thank you for the use of the internet to connect women together. I pray that you continue to teach us that you have not withheld your blessing from us, but instead that you bless us through each other daily. In Jesus' name, AMEN!

Where I have come from

2010-11-06T23:55:00.003-04:00

This is a letter I wrote to our family, friends, and prayer warriors July 27, 2009! I wanted to remind myself of my purpose in pursuing this pregnancy during such a trying time. Let me remind all of you the journey I have been on for the last 1.5 years and all total through the last 5 years. The theme is still GOD IS SO GOOD!! I am praying that God allows me to carry this baby (because I know He is able to allow it), but if not, I know that this was meant to be for this timing and His purposes. Keep believing that He is Good!

Dear Friends,
Shaun and I are trying to become parents, again! We are ridiculously excited about how far God has brought us in the last 3.5 years and want to include you in our journey! Since our son, Ethan, was born and died January 14 -- January 19, 2006, we have been waiting on full healing and for God's timing to try again. I wasn't sure for many years if I would be emotionally strong enough to endure it again and whether I could take the risk of losing my or another child's life. Shaun has been resistant to anything that might bring about risk until recently. But, we have come to a place now where we are no longer fearing another pregnancy, we are feeling God's leading in going forward, and we are incorporating ministry into this process.

As difficult as it was to decide to try again, we understand how difficult it is for others who have lost a child and want to try again as well. So, I find it fascinating that God laid it on my heart to be transparent and share my journey via blog so others may find healing and strength to continue. I suggested this to Tiny Purpose (the organization who provide group meetings to women who have had similar losses, so they will know that they are not alone in their grief and that their crazy thoughts are not in fact so crazy!), and we prayed if this would be something that would be beneficial. At the next group meeting, almost all the members were either pregnant again or trying to be pregnant again. We felt that this is exactly what is needed during this season, so the blog began.

I cannot tell you where God will take me. I cannot tell you for sure if He will allow me to experience similar loss again. I just know that I must be obedient and hopefully through my transparency, I will help others in their healing to see God for who He is and at the same time share with all of you what He is doing in my life. If we are allowed to be infertile, that will benefit others via blog. If we are allowed to miscarry, that will benefit others via blog. If we are allowed to have a healthy child born free from any complications, that will help others via blog. Plus, the blog will provide you, my group of prayer warriors, the knowledge to know where we are each day and what it is to pray for at whatever time. I thank all of you for your prayers to date and for the prayers yet to come. May He bless you richly for your faithfulness!

Anyway, the blog address is http://sunshine-thejourney.blogspot.com/ . I am hopeful that those of you on the same journey will be blessed and those of you who are just along for the ride are blessed as well! I ask one thing in defense of my sisters who are hurting out there, please be aware of your comments to my posts that they are sensitive to moms who have just had losses and may never have another pregnancy. This blog is not intended to brag about me, but rather to brag about the amazing God we serve.

You can HELP us in this journey. We are asking that you join us in prayer for God's will for our future. If that includes children (which we think it will) we ask that you pray for God's will over the timing, the circumstances and the outcomes. We know better that our God is in control of all things and we just want to do as He asks us to and on his timing. You can send positive thoughts our way. You can check in on the blog as often as you like and if you have to comment about personal things, please send to my email instead of on the blog. If it is something that will benefit all readers of the blog, please feel free to comment directly on the blog. You can pass this around to anyone you think will pray for us or anyone who are planning a subsequent pregnancy after loss. Please just try to remember that although we are excited, we are also apprehensive about causing anyone else any more pain.

Thank you again for your time and fervent prayers in the previous and next seasons of our lives. We are grateful for everyone of you!

Sunshine and Shaun

Fetal Pole?

2010-11-05T12:17:00.002-04:00

My husband and I went to have my ultrasound this morning. It was a followup to my inconclusive ultrasound last week. I am utterly overwhelmed with emotion right now, it is so difficult to put into words what I am feeling...

The tech was able to see the gestational sac clearly. "Here is the gestational sac inside of your uterus and here is a yolk sac. And there may be a second yolk sac here, but I am not seeing a fetal pole." She called the doctor in. In my head, I am thinking haphazardly, "I remember that we had trouble seeing the fetal pole last week, and I cannot believe there may be two!"

The doctor came in and she also saw the same thing as the tech. The sac should be measuring 7weeks, 5 days, but instead measured 7 weeks, 0 days. She kept pointing to different spots where they thought that they could see a heartbeat and continued to doppler it and try to find it. Each attempt futile in its efforts.

After 20 minutes of searching, they told my husband and myself that I may be miscarrying, since they were able to see a fetus last week and now are unable, but they didn't want to say the pregnancy was over at this point. For now, it is a wait and see. We will come back next Friday to have another ultrasound unless I have bleeding or pain before then, and then I can come in earlier than that. Francie again hugged me and said she was sorry and walked out of the room.

I cried hard. My hubby wrapped his arms around me and I just told him to let go. I don't want to admit that I am losing this baby, but can't imagine everything being ok, either. I am conflicted. I am searching a site called www.misdiagnosedmiscarriage.com hoping I can find some hope.

Father, I thank you again for allowing me to conceive another one of your children. I pray that you continue to bless this pregnancy and our marriage. Give us strength to endure whatever it is you have in store for us, whether it be managing this pregnancy for 7 more months or dealing with a miscarriage. I pray that you allow us to be healthy. In Jesus' name, AMEN!

2010-10-28T12:02:00.002-04:00

Shaking, I walked into the fertility clinic at 10am. I was nauseous and had to go to the bathroom, but I was waiting for them to call me back because I was sure they would need a urine sample. Fifteen minutes later I was escorted to room #7.

"Do you need a urine?"
"Nope, go ahead and use the restroom and remove your clothes from the waist down."

I thought for sure I was going to throw up while I waited for the ultrasound tech, Francie, to come into the room. And then she came in and asked how I was feeling. I told her nauseous and scared. She asked why? and then remembered that I had 3 mature follicles when I was here last. HEHE!

She inserted the probe and there it was. A gestational sac with a yolk sac inside. "There is only one," she said. And digging through with the probe, she began looking more intently. "Usually we don't have you come in this early and I am having trouble seeing the fetal pole. Let me zoom in."

"Is the baby too small for the dates?" I asked. It seems as though I know way too much about the details of all of this.

"Yes, you are only measuring less than 5 weeks," she says to me and then asks the resident observing, "could you go outside and get a doctor so I can get another set of eyes to find the fetal pole."

I know that fetal pole means heartbeat, so I am starting to tear out the corner of my eye. "It's ok," she said, "don't do that yet."

After 5 minutes, a doctor I have never met before enters the room and points out what he calls flickers and tells the tech he thinks that is it. She pokes around some more and she says, "I still don't see it." I start to tear some more.

Eventually, she notices what he sees and they explain that I should come in next week and there will be no doubt if it is there or not. He continues to talk and tell me about a bunch of things and it is just like background noise to me. I tried to pay attention, but all I wanted to know was does it have a heartbeat. He asks if this was my first pregnancy and I sadly say, "no, 3rd. I had a full term loss 5 years ago and an early loss 5 months ago." And then the tech tells me, "120 beats per minute and a 6 week, 2 day old fetus!"

I was elated. Thank the LORD that he has allowed me to conceive again and to have a baby that is right on track. The doctor tells me not to worry and that there was a study done that said frequent ultrasounds after loss shows the current pregnancy less likely to result in loss. He said probably due to not being stressed. So he said that anytime I feel scared, or see some spotting, just call them and they will do another ultrasound, but for now, set one up for next week.

The tech who has done an ultrasound on me every month since May gave me a hug and I cried.

Father, thank you so much again for allowing me to carry another one of your creations. You are amazing and I love you! Please bless this little one. In Jesus' name, AMEN.

MY SPEECH!

2010-10-17T23:35:00.002-04:00

For those of you who were unable to attend, here is my speech in its entirety. May it give you hope and encouragement as you journey where you are as well! Father, Thank you that you allow me to speak to amazing people everyday through this blog. You are awesome and wonderful and I am blessed to be your daughter!! In Jesus' name, AMEN!

Tiny Purpose Walk to Remember 2010 Speech

What an honor it is to stand here and speak to you, a group of people who are remembering the loss of a baby. Four years earlier, I stood where you are, listening to someone speak at this event for the very first time. I wondered how someone could go through this tragic loss and still stand among you and speak as though it hadn’t completely destroyed who they were. I wondered, four years ago, whether I would ever “get over” my loss. I thought that if I wasn’t sad anymore, then I was forgetting my child. You see, in the midst of it, I wasn’t able to see beyond the hurt, beyond the void, but here I am today, proudly ready to share my journey with you.

My story begins by telling you that I had wanted to be a mom my entire life. I babysat all the neighborhood kids as a teen; I gravitated toward babies and genuinely couldn’t wait to have a dozen of my own. Yes, I said it, a dozen. I wanted as many kids as I was able to have and being a stay at home mom would be great as well.

When we got married, though, I compromised. My husband, Shaun, said he only wanted 2, and I agreed that 2-4 was acceptable. But, as we were only 22 years old at the altar, we decided to wait a couple years before trying to have children – we were young and thought we had plenty of time. Almost 3 years after we were married, we got pregnant within the first two months of coming off of the birth control pill. I was ecstatic. There were a few complications in the early pregnancy, but nothing major.

In the beginning of the third trimester, I had to be put on pills to control my gestational diabetes and that made me a little more high risk, but it was common, nonetheless. I saw a specialist monthly and had extra tests done and the specialist determined that everything was normal and I should not have any diabetes related problems. At 36 weeks, he said I was able to go into labor on my own, and deliver at the local hospital, and would no longer be considered high risk.

When I was almost 40 weeks pregnant, I had had a non-stress test that said that the baby was healthy, thriving and doing well. I went into labor the next day, a Friday night in January. After the contractions were more regular and I was clearly in pain, my hubby decided that it was time to go to the hospital. It was 2am and I had labored most of the day at home because I wanted to have a natural birth and I knew as soon as I got to the hospital, there would be pressure for drugs. But, my hubby overruled when he saw me in pain and off to the hospital we went.

We arrived at 2am and I was still only 4cm dilated. The contractions slowed down, so the doctor chose to break my water, which was stained with meconium. This could suggest that the baby was stressed, but the monitors didn’t seem to show any other signs, so doctor just told me that a pediatrician would be there when I delivered to make sure the baby’s lungs didn’t fill with that fluid. A few hours went by while I was contracting and laboring. I was handling it well, until at one point, when I had an extreme contraction that made me scream with terror and caused me to vomit, it hurt so badly. The nurse administered some narcotics and I slept for about 20 minutes. When I woke up, I was shivering. She checked my temperature and it was showing a fever. The nurse claimed that when a patient shivers it usually means she is close to pushing so she was going to check my cervix as well. I rolled over and she saw some blood, but thought that it also meant I was closer to delivery. Then she checked me.

She pulled out her hand and bright red blood just gushed all over the bed. She immediately pressed the call button and called for the doctor to come into the room stat! I was drugged, so I really didn’t understand. I thought she was calling the doctor to prep me to push. When the doctor came in and checked, she told me that my placenta abrupted. She explained that the placenta must have torn away from the uterus and she had to do an emergency c-section because this is dangerous for him and he would not be able to breathe without my placenta. She checked me to see if I was far enough along to begin pushing him out right then, but I was still only 6-8 cm and blood continued to gush. I was immediately wheeled into the OR at 5:45am, narrowly missing the walls as they rounded the corners. I was scared. Everyone seemed so serious and in such a hurry. I looked around and asked the doctor, “Am I going to die?” Staring me in the eyes she said, “That’s why we’re doing the surgery, hon, to make sure you don’t.” While we waited for the anesthesiologist to arrive, I saw the nurses and doctor in a panic. They all seemed to be checking the clock, instruments ready. When the anesthesiologist finally arrived, the surgery began. My son was born at 6:30am, 8lbs, 9oz. We named him Ethan Amari Plato. I was told he had a heart beat, but was blue and wasn’t breathing. My hubby followed the nurses who took Ethan to a different room to work on him.

I, in the meantime, was bleeding to death. My blood wasn’t clotting and the doctor gave me multiple doses of medication to stop the bleeding. I was coming in and out of consciousness and just knew I was dying. Eventually, they were able to stop the bleeding in my uterus and finished the surgery. After switching me to a clean bed, I watched the doctor and nurse squeeze the blood stained sheets into a container to measure how much was lost. I thankfully did not have to have a hysterectomy, but I did have to have several blood transfusions due to losing over half of my blood volume. Amazing, now that I think of it, how I survived that trauma.

It was hours before I knew what was happening with Ethan. I found out that my baby had essentially been suffocating inside of me while we waited for the surgery. He had to be ventilated and was quickly sent to the university hospital to have a cooling study done to possibly reverse the brain damage due to lack of oxygen from the placental abruption. At U of M, Ethan had to have his body cooled to 90 degrees for 72 hours. There was a slight 1 in 8 chance of complete reversal of the brain damage and we were praying for that miracle.

We called our church family shortly after the delivery and started a prayer chain right then. My son and I were fighting for our lives, and my husband was torn between the two hospitals containing the two people he loved most in the world. I had developed pre-eclampsia after delivery and still was having clotting issues. The combination of my high blood pressure and being unable to clot my blood was a serious medical situation. We didn’t sleep for 3 days awaiting word that our miracle was provided to us from God. Since we were faithful followers of Christ, we believed that He would heal us and had trusted Him since the beginning of our pregnancy. But, what we found out at the three day mark, after Ethan was removed from the cooling cap, was that he still had bleeding on his brain. Since I was still very sick in the other hospital, I was just waiting for myself to be well enough to go see him. My husband insisted that Ethan had squeezed his finger and we still didn’t believe that he was destined to die. That night I decided that I needed a nurse or doctor to tell me, directly, how my son was doing. I knew that my husband was probably holding onto any hope there might be, and I needed to hear from someone else that his hope was true. I called a nurse at the university hospital and she told me, “He has little chance of survival and it is important that you come see him soon as he doesn’t have much time left.”

I was in shock. How dare God? I thought. I had trusted Him with my entire life just a few years earlier and thought that once I became a Christian, these kinds of things didn’t happen. Two members of our church, who became our adopted parents in Christ, were in the room with me when I made this call. They instantly fell to their knees and prayed with me, asking God to provide a miracle, but if a miracle was not to be had, to give my husband and me a sense of peace and come to an understanding of what was to happen next. I lay in my bed while the three of us wept. They wrapped their arms around me and promised me that this was not in God’s plan, but instead would be used for the good of those who love God according to Romans 8:28. I was heartbroken. Not only because I had news that my son was about to die, but that I also had not yet seen or held him. I had spent nine complete months loving him and holding him from inside my belly, but I had not held him close to my heart. I wondered if he wondered where his mama was. I felt disgusted that I had abandoned my son in his time of need.

My doctor was reluctant to release me as my condition was still unstable as my blood pressure skyrocketed with this news. But the next afternoon, after a Tiny Purpose leader pleaded with her, the doctor graciously let me go, with the instruction that I be checked if I felt unusual at all. When I saw my child for the first time, I sobbed. How is it possible, I thought, that I dreamed of the day I was going to see my newborn and now all I was thinking about how is how I was going to watch him die? I was told I couldn’t hold him as he was too sick, but I did get to hold him after several hours when the doctor said he would not make it through the night. It was bittersweet, as I held him with the mattress on my lap and took pictures preparing for him to die. But, then he didn’t. He pinked up and was surviving still, we wondered if our miracle was coming. After a brief nap, the next day my husband and I were told by a team of doctors that we had to choose to remove him from life support. I asked them, “and what if we choose not to?” He said, “Then we will choose for you. There is no hope that your child will live. He is brain dead.” The doctors left the room and the words, “NO HOPE” flooded over us. Shaun and I knelt down in the conference room underneath a long table and prayed for clarity and strength to choose this most difficult decision. And a peace overwhelmed us when we decided that we would remove him from life support.

Later that evening, we allowed our family and friends to visit him one last time before he was to die. It crushed me when I watched my father in law hold him tenderly in his arms, while my mother in law sat next to him caressing his swollen cheek. And then Ethan became blue. The nurse told us that he was not going to make it and asked if I wanted to hold him as he lay dying. I said yes, and slid myself into the chair my father in law was sitting in. This time when I held him, it was without the mattress to protect him. He fit so perfectly into the crook of my arm. It felt so comfortable and at that moment I actually felt like I was a mom. I wanted to do everything I could to protect him. I wanted to see his face pink up and know that everything was all right in his world. I wished I could see his eyes lock with mine. He was my first born son and I was watching him slowly lose his color, his body become colder, and then the monitor flat lined. Our son died that night, January 19, 2006, 5 days after he was born.

My husband and I looked to God throughout the next week, depending on Him for each breath. We thanked him for not making us remove the life support and instead taking Ethan on his own timing. We were utterly amazed at the support of the people who loved Ethan by the hundreds of people who showed at his funeral and the meals that were provided for us for weeks and the prayers we heard for months. We knew that God was taking care of us, He was our HOPE. We learned over the next year about God’s sovereignty through weekly Christian counseling and how HE is in control of everything and how everything has a purpose in life. We were able to accept that God’s ways are higher than ours and that even if we never knew the reason for Ethan’s death, that we were so blessed to have been his parents. We learned that just because someone is a Christian it doesn’t exempt them from trials; it just makes them better able to withstand them. We learned that our lives are much richer having known the Lord and depending on Him for everything. Sure, our family and friends wonderfully took care of us in physical need, but in the middle of the night when I noticed that my crib was empty and that my womb was hollow, it was God who kept me from ending my own life. He is the one who gave us hope to keep living despite every inclination to be with our son in Heaven. We know that because we choose to believe that Jesus Christ died for us, that we will be able to be with our son in Heaven when it is time for us to go and clearly it was not yet our time.

The trauma from being close to death and watching our son die kept us from even talking about the possibility of having more children. Fearful on so many levels, especially knowing the hundreds of ways babies die, when the doctor recommended that we wait 2 years, we didn’t argue. After 2 years, we saw a specialist who told us that it was unlikely for this to recur and to go ahead with a pregnancy. Truthfully, I was hoping that he would say that it was a bad idea altogether to try again just so I could grieve the loss of having my own children, and figure out a different way to fill the void that losing Ethan had brought. I didn’t want to admit that I was afraid of losing more children, yet when the specialist said I had a good chance of having a healthy child of my own, I started to be excited about a family again, but we were still too afraid. “What if you die?” my husband asked, “I don’t want to raise kids by myself.” I pretended that I understood, and we lived our lives trying to be okay without having children. But, nothing fills that void. Over the next two years, our marriage suffered. We resented each other and began hating the other. Several times we suggested we divorce, just so we could quit all the arguing and maybe we wouldn’t blame the other for not having children.

Thankfully, we decided on counseling again and after intense therapy we were able to see that our choosing not to get pregnant was really the culprit of our marital distress. In May 2009, three years since Ethan’s death, Shaun and I agreed to try again as our hope finally outweighed our fear. After two months of not getting a cycle and a big fat negative pregnancy test, I called my doctor. We attempted various ways to jumpstart my cycles, but it just wasn’t happening. The doctor had taken tests to see why I wasn’t having them and found no reason. In January 2010, after 7 months of waiting for a cycle, I started taking Clomid to try to ovulate. I did this for three months and it made me absolutely crazy, especially month after month realizing that I was still not pregnant. I asked my doctor to refer me to a fertility specialist and I went to the university hospital for this. It was determined that I had ploy cystic ovaries, which means I don’t ovulate often, and it was by some fluke that I was able to get pregnant so quickly the first time.

In June 2010, one full year of trying to get pregnant without success, we started a new medicine, called Femara and the very first month, I learned that I was pregnant, but I was cautiously optimistic as the nurse said my hormone levels were low. So, I wasn’t surprised when 4 days later I miscarried. At this point, I was so happy to have been able to conceive that the miscarriage didn’t appear to bother me. It wasn’t until 4 more cycles, and 4 more negative pregnancy tests later, that I was beginning to think about where I might be in that pregnancy. I would be 5 months pregnant, learning about whether or not it was a he or a she. I would be showing a little baby bump and would be so excited. And as of last month, I am saddened that I had lost a child who had not even had a chance to be formed. I am saddened that I am dealing with infertility. I am heartbroken that Shaun and I had two babies and they both died. We wonder if we may never be able to have children long enough to bring them home. This infertility and pregnancy loss just stinks. I still feel baby-less and still hurt, trying to attain a family that I had thought God had promised me. I mistakenly thought that since I had endured one of the most excruciating things that a person could bear, that I might be spared from any further pain. I know that God has a plan and his way is better than mine, but if He would just understand how much it hurts. If he would just long for his unborn children and wait for them to smile at him and call him Daddy. If he would just know what it was like to lose a child. And then I realize, OF COURSE HE DOES!! He completely relates to it. He longs for each of us to smile at Him after we have been born again and call him Daddy. He allowed His son to die for us on the cross so that we may have eternal life. I know that He allowed me to let my children die because it will serve a greater purpose. And that is what Tiny Purpose is all about. A place that seeks to show us that our babies were real, that they were loved and that they were in existence for a purpose.

I am still on a mission to bring home several healthy newborns and begin raising my family. I intend to encourage others to continue to try to get pregnant and deal with their emotions during pregnancy and infertility after having had losses. I write a blog of my experience that you can find a link to on the Tiny Purpose website. I hope to inspire others who are fearful of another pregnancy to not give up, but to trust in the Lord who gives them Hope. I am determined not to allow Ethan’s and Baby Plato’s lives to have been lost in vain. They are so much a part of who I am.

I don’t know how God will redeem me for my losses, or whether or not he will do it here on Earth, but I know for certain that He WILL! Isaiah 61:1-3 says, “He was sent to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners . . . to comfort all who mourn . . . to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.” At this current time, after having given myself injections last month, I am praising God again for another pregnancy, and awaiting 9 months to see my third child. I am believing that God will allow me to carry this one and bring him/her home. But I know that even if He doesn’t, even if I have to endure another loss, even if I lose my fertility forever, MY GOD IS STILL GOOD!!

I can remember the pain of the loss just like it was yesterday. I can quickly be transported into the depth of despair. I know that the pain is utterly unbearable, but I am living proof that God can transform your heart. He can make you whole and he can give you hope. There is life after loss. Do the grief work. Honor your children and your marriages and hold onto God with everything that you have! So, here I am standing before you offering you hope. My hope does not come by way of a pregnancy, but in the LORD. Take hold of Him, ask Him to bring you peace, and to fill the void that your loss has brought you. He will provide. Thank you.

4 weeks PREGNANT!

2010-10-11T14:32:00.002-04:00

My beta came back on day 16dpo at 190, and at day 13dpo it was 47, so it is looking good so far! I will have the appointment at U of M to have an ultrasound on Oct. 28, and then I move on to a regular OB! I am so excited!

Thank you Lord for blessing me again. I pray that this one you let me bring home healthy and thriving 8 months from now!! AMEN!

Month 17, Cycle14, Day 24, 13dpo

2010-10-08T13:54:00.003-04:00

"This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it" Psalm 118:24

So I bought a new book called Longing for a Child by Kathe Wunnenburg. And part of Devotion 23 describes how I feel today...entitled Hope and Joy. "If and when you receive good news -- any good news -- give yourself permission to celebrate ... allow yourself to feel the joy of this moment ... Refuse to be robbed of this day's excitement ... Embrace hope!"

I took my urine test this morning and it was negative. I called to have my blood test done and when I received a phone call from the nurse, she said, "Congratulations! You're pregnant!"

I was shocked. My beta was 47 this morning and for those of you who know about betas, that is ok for this early. I have to have another beta on Monday to be sure they are doubling, and then she said, I would be able to breathe a sigh of relief. AND if it is good, then I have an ultrasound on October 28!! I guess I will be drinking Sprite for the toasts!

Praise the Lord. I am rejoicing that you are good and I thank you for your gift. Three children I now have held in my womb. I pray that you allow me to keep this one! My past disappointments and my future fears are at a battle to steal my joy. You are my hope. I surrender my disappointments and fears to you today. Fill me with faith, hope and love. I trust in YOU! In Jesus' name, AMEN!

Month 17, Cycle 14, Day 23, 12 dpo

2010-10-07T15:02:00.002-04:00

Today I am anxiously awaiting taking a test. I will test tomorrow morning, and even if it is negative, I will call my fertility specialist and get a blood draw. I have two weddings this weekend and just don't want to be waiting to find out all weekend. So, if it is positive, then I know I shouldn't toast with champagne, but instead enjoy the celebration! And if it is negative, I can deal with the disappointment and Friday and enjoy the weddings in style!

So, wish me luck!

Father, I am anxious but know that you are most assuredly going to bless me with children soon. I pray that I have wonderful news to share with my friends and family tomorrow. What a wonderful blessing that will be indeed. And, even if I don't I will share that you are good anyway. In Jesus' name, AMEN!